I'm a fucking mess sometimes

25 | enby/pan | they/them

[borrowed-thoughts]

I’m doing so fucking horrible but in like a super chill way

[dreamy-mess]

Thinking about getting worse again. Fuck all those big good upwards steps i did. Fuck on „wow really pulled myself up there didnt i“ fuck this fuck it. I want to do badly again. Want to not think. Cause at least then ppl noticed me. Asked me how j was doing. Gave me any damn spark of attention without me having to literally beg for it. Was looking bad enough, didnt had to do the begging part. Please please notice me please ask me things please talk to me without me having to beg for attention and a conversation. Please im so tired

[dreamy-mess]

Why do i care so much why do i care so fucking much i wish i wouldnt care but i do care so much fuck

[mafuyuh]

witch hat atelier | manga vs. anime

[dreamy-mess]

Currently thinking about 10.000 different versions of coming out to my sister and all of them end badly.

[dreamy-mess]

Having anxiety and panic attacks but also POTs means having a real fun time not only once but twice. /sarcasm

You recover from your anxieyt/panic attack and the crashing again cause the POTs also raises a hand.

[dreamy-mess]

Being in recovery or on a healing path means standing up in the morning despite your brain screaming at you to just keep on laying there. Rotting. It means (trying to) eating and drinking enough despite your brain screaming „why?!“ and „you really deserve that?!“. It means doing daily tasks, small, big, despite your brain screaming that you dont have the energy, that you just want to run away.

Being in recovery or on a healing path means your brain is constantly screaming for validation. It means constantly working against it. It mean looking fine on the outside and hellfire on the inside. It mean seeking validation for something you so badly try to hide.

[dreamy-mess]

Why is feeling alone such an intense emotion? It feels like my heart is being ripped out and squeezed tightly. It hurts so much. It drains out all my energy. Im sinking to the floor like a puddle of water. Unable to get up. Unable to see that there are actually ppl that care about me, theyre just out of reach right now. Not because they don’t like me but just simply cause they have their own life, their own things going on.

[dreamy-mess]

„Oh hey why did you do it that way?? You dont need to do it that way. You can do it in this way! So why did you do it that way?? Go change it.

Oh i dont know… maybr cause you didnt answer my question?? You know that one (1) very simple question i asked in a very short trxt?? Jesus christ why is it so hard to answer one fucking question??!

Oh right. Yeah i can change it no problem :)

[dreamy-mess]

I know you have a lot going on yourself. And I know you cant focus your entire energy and emotinal capacities at me. But when was the last time you asked me how my day was? How Im feeling? I feel like I have to do all the talking all the time and if I dont text our chat would be blank the entire day. Maybe longer but I pressed you into saying good night and good morning at least. feel so fucking left alone here. Im craving attention and emotions from you and its like im reading a blank book all the time. Im so hurt and fucked up by this. I know our relationship is important to you. I know it. But do you even have the capacities for it?? Cant even give me 5% of fucking anything. Feels like im begging for it again. Walking on eggshells to not disturbe any good mood or scared to waken any bad one. Fuck this fuck this fuck this.

[dreamy-mess]

When you wake up out of a maladaptive daydream and realize 4 hours have passed and you feel so out of touch with reality

Thought i was better now

Words don’t make sense

Everything feels wrong and off

[dreamy-mess]

Hey so mh i actually need help here-

„Ah yes Im sure you manage. Just tell me when you‘re done. You‘re always so good at those things“

Yeah…cause I always had to. Cause nobody listened when I actually needed help. So I never actually learned how to ask for help. And you‘re exactly proving my point here. Sure…i manage…just dont be surprised when I crash. And don‘t you dare to ask me why I didn‘t ask for help then.

[dreamy-mess]

Maybe I don‘t really have bpd.

Maybe I don‘t actually need my meds.

Maybe everything is just an act.

[dreamy-mess]

i feel so lost. so out of breath. trying to fit in somewhere somehow but it seems like it'll never be possible.

[pisces-core]

[dreamy-mess]

There are no heroes. The only person who can save you is yourself.

[dreamy-mess]

I'm at that point in therapy where my head is screaming for pain. screaming screaming screaming. but i know i actually don't want this. i don't want to feel the pain. i don't want to take care of it afterwards. i know it's just about being in control. but now I'm just frozen on the sofa. head screaming, spiralling, feeling dizzy, full of itself. it's an itch i don't want to scratch but it keeps itching.