The last thing I remembered was a shadow hanging over me in my bedroom, and material being pressed against my lips before my vision betrayed me.
I don’t know where I am, but I know I’ve been here for days, and the only reason I know that is because of the tiny crack of light I can see through the gap in the blacked out window. It might just be the only thing keeping me sane.
Every now and then she comes through the door on the far side of the room; it’s rare, but she doesn’t speak sometimes, just sits there, smiling.
I talk to her, question her, shout at her and cry. She cradles me and apologises for what she’s done, but proceeds to tell me she doesn’t regret it anywhere in her heart.
“You can’t keep me here,” I protest, pacing the room with the handcuffs digging into my wrists. “People are gonna realise sooner or later.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” she laughs. “You’re here! You have been for a week now, silly.”
“Why are you doing this?” I ask, struggling for the hundredth time against the handcuffs. “This isn’t worth it, whatever you wanna get out of this, it won’t be worth the end result.”
“I’m doing this for you baby-”
“But you are my baby, and besides, you can’t do much to stop me.” She grins up at me, a spark of evil swirling in her eyes.
It feels unusual to sit here tied and incapable of getting away from her; if I saw this woman walking down the street, I’d think she was just a normal woman. She’s beautiful with bright eyes and full cheeks, and she’s always dressed in something fancy.
“I want to look good for you,” she said when I asked her. I didn’t like the idea of her dressing up for me, not when it’s her opinion alone that should matter.
“Why me?” I ask now as she leans against the door,
“Because.” She moves closer to me and my body slams into the wall in attempt to move away. “I love you,” she whispers with such sincerity in her voice that I almost believe her. “I can care for you, be here for you, and make sure no one else comes between us.”
“And you couldn’t say all of this after politely introducing yourself to me? Maybe a year down the line? I don’t appreciate handcuffs,” I hiss and her bright gaze doesn’t vanish like I thought it would.
“That’s a shame, really, it is.” She shakes her head. “I thought they’d come in handy further down the road when you’ve warmed up to the idea of us.” A cheeky smile meets her lips and I can only wonder what kind of crude thoughts are running through her mind.
I stifle a reply, knowing too well that it isn’t worth it. She plays with the end of her dress as she watches me closely and I feel myself shift under her eyes.
“You don’t have to be scared of me, please don’t be-”
“I’m not scared of you, I’m scared for you. Baby, your world is gonna be a shit storm when I get outta here,” I grin and I watch as her smile inches into a pout.
“Who said you’re getting out?” she asks, tilting her head. “You’re never gonna get away, you can’t leave me.”
My heart beats fast. I reassure myself that I’m not going to die here, not in her hold. Although, it’s hard to concentrate when her eyes are burning into the side of my face.
“What’s your name?” I ask, watching her closely. She doesn’t reply but walks towards the door, leaving me colder than I already am.
“I can get you a chair if you want,” she says, leaning her back against the door. “Your legs’ll just give way if you keeping standing like that.”
“Fuck off,” I snap, feeling the fatigue taking over my body.
“That’s not very nice,” she teases, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. I notice earrings dangling free from them. “I may have kidnapped you but I do care about you.”
“Sure,” I laugh, leaning my head against the stone wall.
“I’ll go get you that chair,” she says far too sweetly and rushes out of the door before locking it. I swallow a ‘thank you’ and let the silence take over the room.
I’ve been here so long I don’t attempt to look for a means of escape; I merely sit and wait for the next time I hear the key hitting against the metal before her familiar figure appears in the doorway.
My kneecaps ache and I can be almost certain that next time I bend my legs multiple cracks will vibrate through them. My entire body feels hard done to, if I sit down there’s a high chance I won’t get back up.
The key is inserted and I hear the familiar clicks telling me the door is unlocked and the dread has permission to enter my body. I’m starting to feel like a wild animal, cruelly caged and left merely for entertainment. If I ever get out alive, I’ll never step foot in a zoo again.
She comes in dragging a chair across the floor, the wood screams against the floor and I flinch.
“Here you go,” she mutters, dropping it against the wall in the far corner of the room. “I think you’ll feel safer in the corner.”
“Why would you care if I feel safe? Nothing can make me feel safe here,” I say, frowning at her with daggers.
“How many times do I have to tell you? I care!” she shrieks and motions towards the chair. “Now c'mon, sit.”
“Don’t be such a baby, it’s just a chair.” She rolls her eyes and laughs. “Take a seat.”
“No. Fuck you,” I spit, and press my back further into the wall. I feel my eyes stinging with tears.
“Don’t cry,” she whispers, eyebrows furrowed. “Please don’t, it’s okay.”
“Let me go.” I swallow a sob threatening to escape my lips. “I want to go home. If you care so much, you’d want what’s best for me.”
“Just sit down,” she says, bringing the chair closer to me and I inch away. “I’ll leave for now, just rest.”
She gives me another look before leaving the room without another glance. I don’t see her for the rest of the night, or maybe it’s the day. I don’t bother to check through the gap. I collapse onto the hard chair and sigh heavily.
The handcuffs locked around my wrists have created permanent outlines on my skin, marking my tattoos. I attempt to move the steel up and down to let the skin breath but it’s useless.
I ponder on how long it’s been since I’ve done things I used to take for granted. I can’t remember the last time I’ve sat and listened to the sounds of nature, or had my favourite meal, or told the people I love how much they mean to me. I’m suddenly regretting everything I haven’t done.
There’s a knock on the door - a new touch, actually - before the door is unlocked. The woman walks in and smiles at me.
“Oh, is that what it is?”
“Mhm.” She nods as though she doesn’t understand my sarcasm, that or she’s choosing to ignore it. “How are you?”
“I’m alright, thanks. Just a little tied up but it’s all great.”
“You’re very sarcastic,” she points out. I hold back yet another comment.
“Oh, of course, silly me. I’ll be back with something!” She hurriedly makes her way out of the door and I realise how stupid that move would be if stating I’m hungry was my way of attempting an escape, but I have nothing, not even energy.
My stomach growls at me, but I don’t get excited at the idea of food being on its way due to the fact that the only food I’ve been getting so far is buttered bread and water, forced down my throat each morning, and night if I’m lucky.
Waiting, I’m neither patient nor impatient; I simply don’t care. I tap my heel against the leg of the chair and enjoy the thumping sound.
She takes longer than usual, and when she comes back I realise why. My stomach lets out a moan rather than a growl when I see the stack of pancakes piled high. I’m sure the reason she smirks is because she sees the immense hunger that’s probably smeared across my face like permanent ink.
“I thought I’d do you something special today.” She uses the heel of her foot to close the door before moving over to me. I don’t bother looking at her as I see all the food on the tray. To my disappointment, she puts it on the floor so she can grab the chair that sits in the other corner, pulling it up in front of me. I only pay slight attention to this because my mind is settled elsewhere.
I watch as she cuts the food up and I close my mouth tight to stop myself for drooling. My leg is bouncing up and down with excitement. I feel the hunger pains deep in my stomach.
“Open up,” she whispers, bringing a fork to my mouth. I don’t hesitate to meet her halfway, and definitely don’t hold back my moans as I chew.
“Fuck,” I whisper. “They’re good.”
She giggles. “I’m glad you like them. I’ve always been a little self-conscious about my cooking skills.”
“Don’t be. They remind me of back home, I used to live on pancakes when I was younger. Gimme more,” I mutter, opening my mouth as she feeds me.
I see her watching me intently as I eat, and there’s something deep in her eyes that I keep an eye on. Every so often, there’s pauses where I swallow and wait for more. Eventually, she knows to have the next forkful ready.
But it comes to an end, and before I know it, she’s putting the plate back on the floor but staying in her chair.
“Did you enjoy that?” she asks, eyes searching my face. I nod, licking my lips. “I’m glad.”
There’s a silence while she looks at me as though she’s searching for something. I chance a quick glance at her before staring at the ground or my lap.
“You’re very beautiful,” she murmurs, playing with her fingers.
“It’s a shame my beauty is being wasted in here then, isn’t it?”
“It’s not wasted, I appreciate it every day.” She smiles.
“Oh, that’s okay then.” I roll my eyes. “Can you at least take these handcuffs off?”
“Nope,” she says, popping her 'p’. “I think they suit you.”
“You’re insane.” I scoff.
She flinches, looking as though I slapped her across the face or at least raised a hand to do so. “This is for your own good,” she mumbles; I only just catch what she says.
“Y'know, you keep saying that but so far, I’m not seeing how it is.”
“The world is a horrible place. It’s so, so cruel and harmful.”
“Then you should realise that I’m protecting you. You should appreciate that.”
“You’re not protecting me, you’re imprisoning me. Don’t you see that?” I ask, watching her closely. Her eyes are bright, even in the darkness of the room.
She exhales softly. “I understand why, why it would be seen like that. But I’m keeping you here because I love you! I don’t want anyone else to have you, you shouldn’t live in fear out in the world where there’s such cruelty,” she exclaims, throwing her hands in the air. I watch her and lean my head back against the wall.
Her name is [Y/N]. I think she eventually grew the confidence to tell me. It suits her.
My emotions are bottled up inside of me, choking me. I can’t breathe. [Y/N] talks to me and all I want to do is scream at her until my voice can’t take it anymore.
“Can I get you anything?” she asks, sitting crosslegged on the chair opposite me at the other side of the room. I appreciate the fact she doesn’t come closer.
“Go away, I can’t stand the sight of you. I hate you,” I spit.
I feel dirty and broken. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt hot water running through my hair and down my back, or soap cleansing my skin. I’ve noticed my skin has a grey tint now.
“Oh yeah? Why shouldn’t I? Please, enlighten me!” I shout, glaring at her. She looks as though she’s seconds from crying.
“Oh but I do, I really do,” I respond instantly, hesitating when I see a tear rolling down her cheek. “I hate how you pretend to care and how you’re constantly watching me, and how you feed me just to keep me alive. If this is the rest of my life, fucking kill me now.”
“You’re just angry. I’ll leave you alone for a little bit, maybe we need space.” She was far too calm.
Throughout the next week, the only time I saw her was when she pushed a tray of food through the door before locking it. If I wanted to eat I had to get on my handcuffed hands, and knees, and eat like a dog. She didn’t sit and talk, and I felt more alone than ever.
“Morning,” she whispers, closing the door behind her for the first time in a while, she’s holding a tray in her hands. “How are you?”
The room is cold but the gaze she gives me is far from it. I keep my mouth closed. She sighs.
“I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time accepting this, but I won’t apologise for it. I don’t regret it. I’m still so glad I went along with this. I’ve never been so happy.”
I want to shout at her, hurt her in any way possible, make her feel how I’m feeling. However, I keep quiet, biting the inside of my cheek.
Another sigh falls into the air and she places the tray in my lap before turning to leave. Not another word is said.
The food quality has slowly improved since the beginning, even if it is cold by the time it arrives sometimes. My stomach doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.
I miss variety and choice, but I decide that while I’m here, I can’t afford to be picky.
[Y/N] sits with me while I eat now - I’m struggling but just managing to eat with handcuffs, even if both my hands have to raise so I can use a fork - just watching me, sometimes making conversation. I don’t mind when she does because my mind is mainly focused on the food.
“Favourite animal?” she asks, picking a piece of bread of my plate.
I shrug. “I don’t know, it’s not something I sit and think about, despite how much time I have to waste.” Fries are shoved into my mouth as I forget to give myself time to breathe. “You?”
“I wanna say an animal really majestic and powerful but honestly, it’s probably frogs.”
I raise an eyebrow, smirking slightly.
“What?! They’re cute,” she protests.
I ignore her as I take a bite of the burger, trying to savour it.
“What are these questions? What, are we five years old now?”
“I’m just curious,” she argues.
I pause to think about it. “I like the colour of your eyes.”
At this, her cheeks flourish. “Really?”
I nod, swallowing the last bite, already wanting more.
“I like yours too, I always loved caramel.”
There’s a brief moment where our eyes meet at the exact same time; she looks eager. Her face is young and bright, and for the first time I notice the natural and subtle marks on her skin.
“I’ve got to go,” she says, taking the plate that sits on my lap.
“Don’t go.” I speak before I can think about what I’m saying and I can tell it surprises [Y/N] as much as it does me.
“So? I don’t have anywhere to be,” I somehow manage to joke. She smiles, making her eyes shine.
“I thought I had goals, I thought I had potential and drive to really do something. I don’t know what happened,” she confesses, sitting across from me on the floor. “I think when you’re younger, you kinda think anything is possible.”
“I know I definitely had bigger dreams as a kid, so I get that,” I say, locking my fingers together.
“But you still seem like you have something left in you, like there’s still something you’re aiming for. How do you still have that?”
I find it ironic that she’s asking me this, being the person who’s taken it all away from me. I don’t say anything about it however.
“I just remind myself that life is worth living. There’s always going to be something you can do that can give you faith and a meaning, a purpose.” I shrug. “It sounds a little corny but it’s how I see it.”
“No, I like that. I feel like you get me.”
She reaches across and takes my hand; it was a dangerous move. I think about throwing it back but something deep inside me doesn’t allow it. I grip it instead. I run my thumb across the top and discover the pure softness of her skin.
She smiles but tries to pry her hand away. “I really have to go Justin, but I’ll be back tomorrow. You know that.”
The floor is cold when she leaves, but I press my back against it while trying to sleep. If my spine could scream, I knew it would.
The next evening, [Y/N] comes through the door holding a bag in her hand. I itch to know the contents.
“Hey, sorry I didn’t come see you this morning. I know you’re probably hungry, I’ll go and get you something soon.”
I don’t say anything but my stomach gives a low rumble a few seconds later.
“I, uh, I got you something today. I thought you could do with to have a new one.” The bag rustled as she pulled out what I eventually realised was a black sweater. “I know you probably get quite cold in here.”
“I can put it on you, if-if you want.”
“Please,” I mutter. I can feel the goosebumps on my skin.
“You have to promise not to try anything though,” she says as she locks the door. “Obviously, I’m gonna have to take the handcuffs off.”
[Y/N] looks hesitant as she grabs a key from her back pocket before taking a hold of my arm. A shiver trickles through my body at the contact and I suddenly can’t wait for her to be putting them back on. Once they’re off, I moan softly.
She’s grabbing the end of my shirt and it startles me, I flinch away.
“No, no, I’m gonna get it washed for you. You can wear this for now and then you can put the shirt on underneath when it’s clean.”
The shirt comes over my head and I notice she pauses, taking in all of my tattoos, or my chest, or maybe both. I watch her lick her lips and my body stiffens. It’s been a while.
Despite how much I wished she’d touch me, she just grabs the sweater and pulls it over my head, letting me put my arms through. I already feel warmer as it hugs my skin.
[Y/N] rolls up the sleeves slightly and wraps the metal around my wrists once again. I like her fingers brushing on my skin but despise the tightness of the handcuffs.
A shy smile sits on her lips and she nods.
“How have you been today?” she asks while folding up the plastic bag, maybe to distract herself.
A flash of emotion crosses her face and maybe she thinks I don’t notice it, but I do. I have an inkling it could be guilt because she reaches out and runs a hand through my hair and I fall into it, letting my eyes fall shut.
“Do you want a hug?” she whispers hesitantly.
But she hugs me and I don’t make any attempt to push her away. Her body passes warmth through to my own and for the first time in so long, I don’t feel so alone.
[Y/N] trails a hand down my arm as I lay between her legs. Her other hand is playing with my hair. I use her for comfort, I tell myself. It’s been this way every day since the first time she wrapped her arms around me. I can feel myself getting used to being held by her.
“Do you want me to leave, or do you want to try and sleep?” she asks, never stopping her movements while gazing down at me.
“I don’t know who I am,” I say, holding her hand. I look up and see the mesmerising sight of her eyes boring into my own. “I’ve always wanted to be free, I’ve spent so long wanting to get away, why am I changing my mind? This is dangerous baby,“ I whisper, only using half of my energy to speak.
“This. You shouldn’t be doing this. I’ll never leave if you keep holding me this way. I don’t think I want to be anywhere else and that in itself is bad.”
“I think that’s a good thing. I don’t want you to leave-”
"It’s not, it’s really not,” I say. “Look what you’ve done to me. They’ll be coming to find me soon, if they’re not already. You’ve got me, you’ve tied me down and I want to be angry but-”
"Sshh, there’s no one here to tell you it’s wrong. You’re overthinking. You’ve known from the start that I care about you, I’d never let anything hurt you. I promise.”
I fall deeper into her, feeling all of my worries and cares drift away as I do. Together we’re alone and I know that I won’t let anyone hurt her either; not my family, not my friends, and definitely not the police. The last thing I remember is her adoring smile as I drift into a deep sleep.