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@driftin-microbe-galaxy
idiots when a woman does something wrong: beat her to death! she deserves the WORST punishment ever! BURN HER!!
idiots when a man literally raped or prostituted someone: we can't know for sure, we don't have enough information yet. We don't know enough yet.
people think I'm exaggerating when I say doing a PhD is easier than school and undergraduate studies. obviously, the stuff you're learning and doing is harder, but also:
I have no classes or lectures
I get to mostly choose my work hours and schedule to my liking
I'm learning exactly what I am interested in
I am in environment with a fantastic teacher (more senior department members) to student ratio
I get to be more or less independent, while still having regular meetings with my supervisors to provide some structure
I get to do things my way as long as they work, even if it's unconventional
I get the time to actually understand and be invested in things instead of blindly memorising them for tests and exams. extensive reading, looking deeper into things until you get to things that don't yet have an answer and discussions about the science, for the sake of science, are encouraged
I don't have to deal with bullying unlike in school where it made me miserable and dread going to classes
I don't have presentations and projects where I'm graded down for things I can't control like "shaky or monotone voice" or "stiff body language" even though the content of the presentation is good. If the science is good, then I did good and that is all that matters
I don't have exams so I don't have to deal with being in big scary exam halls with hundreds of students that make me so anxious I throw up before and afterwards
I literally have no problem working for 8 hours a day now when I could barely attend one lecture a week
so while yes, the work is harder, I'm not constantly stressed and on the verge of a mental breakdown by just existing
Forever thankful for that post I saw on here about how even though a gorilla can lift more weight than male humans or a cheetah can run faster than them, we don’t consider these animals superior to men so why do we consider men superior to women because they can do these things?
Don’t you love it when a man jumps into your conversation, has no background information and offers a solution you surely haven’t thought about and will only shut up when the man you talked to defends you?
- Yeah, me neither!
Sometimes I wonder if my childhood trauma perfectly prepared me for academia or got me tangled in this hell in the first place.
voice message to my bf: "I don't even know what to say. I could scream, you know... [3:56 rant]"
next voice message: [trying to calmly tell the end of the story; another 1:16 scream rant]"
text message to my bf: ok, I guess, I actually did scream (:
another voice message: "But what annoys me the most... [2:50 trying to explain connections and what actually upsets me so much but truly just scream ranting again]
Just Another Complaint
One reason I was hired is because I know how to clone and I enjoy it.
First day, here goes a new software to use for that.
I'm fine. I can make this work. They are all the same anyways right?
I subscribe to the one month test version. They are all the same. Smooth sailing. I still enjoy cloning.
Test trail ends. It takes another 2 months until I finally get one of the full versions - bought in 2015, not updated ever since. (That's when I started studying btw.)
Ok, I can still make this work. Less features, but DNA did not change as much, right? Cloning didn't either.
Second step into the new plasmid the software crashes. Everything I did so far: GONE.
Ok, I can still make this work? Several tries in: I can but it is a huge work-around.
6 months into my PhD I complain the first time to my supervisor. He doesn't believe me.
The first constructs worked in reality.
The next ones did again. Smooth sailing in the lab.
More plasmids to be constructed. I use my work-arounds. It takes forever - especially if you need to correct something. I doubt my joy about cloning.
I complain another time. This time he listens, offers to check for newer versions.
I offer to help. He declines.
Ok, I guess I first had to prove myself to him - fair.
Nothing happens. I am on the next constructs. I gently remind him. He blows up. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong person to ask.
1.25 years into my PhD. Now the software sometimes (without any visible reason) deletes all annotations and doesn't change what I asked it for. I dread cloning by now.
I complain again. My supervisor is surprised, he never encountered that kind of problems. (Well, he does not change the make up of big plasmids that often - if at all.) And promises to buy new versions soon.
By now I have wasted days on in silico constructions. Not to mention the days I wasted in the lab because the work-around is error prone and I did not check close enough once.
Nothing happens until today when he realized we needed more seats than before due to new PhD students, who never cloned, coming in. Their projects not being supposed to be as cloning intense as mine.
His plan: new versions for him, the post-doc, the technical assistant and the new PhDs. The rest can still use the old version. Period. That was not a question.
This time the whole conversation happens with my PI in the room - as well as the rest of the staff. I gather up my courage to complain again. Knowing perfectly well this will backfire in some kind of way. I've seen it before when I was pissed.
But I AM having problems. It constantly crashes. And that's what I tell them.
direct supervisor (DS): You are using it wrong!
Me (thinking: Are you f***king serious?!, suppressed anger clearly spilling all over my words): How am I using it wrong?
DS: It happens with Gibson Assembly, right?
Me: Yes.
DS: You are using weird overhangs and do everything in one step.
Note: he never had a single look at my constructs - let alone the overhangs.
Me: Things that should take me 20 min, take up to 3 h.
My PI jumps in. Her: Does it work with the new version?
I am slightly surprised
Me: It worked perfectly when I had the trial version.
Her: Ok, so who thinks they need a new version?
Suddenly neither my supervisor nor the post-doc need the new version. Are you kidding me?
I am glad my supervisor finally got the order to just order the new version. But I am so f***king pissed how he would try to belittle one of the few skills I am certain of - in front of everyone.
And since he cannot say "sorry" he now reverted to being overly warm and updating me on every single step of his ordering journey. You know what? IDC at all anymore! Just like you did not care about my problems for almost 2 years. Buy it and leave me alone until you have the new log in!
We've been here a thousand times before - ok, maybe just a hundred times or even less, I stopped counting after the first few storms. It's always the same routine that we will run through:
I ask something you think I should know or I just ask it when you are too busy. Sometimes I just say something you take too personal. I just headlessly steered my ship into your wide ocean.
Lightning strikes, followed directly by a deafening roll of thunder. The sea rises into unapologetic waves. You lash out, make me feel stupid and selfish.
My brain panics. I rip on the wheel. You are my direct supervisor, you carry my boat. I need you! So I pick the next best relativizing response from my stressed brain. If I can think of a sympathetic one I will pick that one instead. I learned this steals your thunder the fastest. All while I know perfectly well, I should respond with something that shows your behavior is inappropriate.
You calm down just as fast as you blew up.
The thunder is over but I know I still have to maneuver myself to the shore avoiding the sharp cliffs that hide behind the mist rising from the waters now. So I go quiet. No matter how pressing my issue was before - its not anymore. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong person to ask.
The rest of the day I will tiptoe my way around you, leave the room whenever possible to avoid being the target of your sudden out burst again. Or even witness you drowning someone else. All the time turning the situation over and over in my head until I finally find a way to blame myself.
Next day the waters will be calm as if it did not try to rip sailors from their ships and forever swallow them. The sea is so blue and the sky so sunny and warm as if nothing happened. One could believe nothing ever did if you weren't just a tat too warm and overly understanding.
I learned my way around your unpredictable currents that are not as unpredictable as one might think. I study the sky and the rushing of your waves, I can smell the thunder coming. And then I will intentionally avoid talking to you when its this time again. I became a sailor - obviously not a good one because I still get caught by your storms from time to time. But I learned to weather your storms. My skin got more leather like over time. I'm fine. And I will be even if I have to continue pulling more and more students from your cold dark waters. But not everyone was born to be a sailor and they shouldn't have to be to survive the academic waters.
5 years of grad school have taught me intelligence means very little in scientists you mostly just need to be obsessive and slightly deranged
Things that happened when I finally broke up with my sublimely controlling partner within only one month
Smiling came naturally again.
Life got way less stressful even though I had more chores to do.
I fell back in love with research.
The first colleague expressed romantic interest in me which felt highly inappropriate to me.
My back pain practically gone.
I enjoy cooking and eating more.
My cats became so much more relaxed and stopped fighting.
Basically everyone I know offered a huge range of help.
I get out of bed way easier.
Bonds between colleagues/friends became so much deeper.
I finally see my future as bright and full of opportunities.
Once upon a time a Bachelor, a Master and a PhD student with red hair met in biological research. They became a coven and suffered happily ever after. The end.
Just another memory to forget
It feels like I summoned this. Two days ago I asked myself if anyone from my past also gets the urge to contact me - as a friend. And fights it down like I mostly do. Obviously nobody had slipped like I did in the past because I would have known.
Yesterday I get a dm from an old friend, I haven’t thought about in years. Rightfully so because he tried to betray his then pregnant girlfriend with me and this was just the last straw. Before that we had a one night stand when he claimed to not have a girlfriend (which was not true as I realized later on).
Apparently he is father of two kids now and renovating his parent’s house (to move into with his partner and kids?). Seems like he’s changed to the better…
So I replied nicely and mentioned I moved to the other side of the country. It wasn’t a long response and I asked questions. No reason not to reply.
He read it 2 hours after I sent it. No reply yesterday. No reply today. Nothing.
Was this what I think it is but he realized it wasn’t worth the drive of 9 hours? This is almost the same situation I faced when he tried to get laid last time.
Thank you dear universe. I don’t think I want anyone to slip and text me after years of no contact anymore. I’m good with not being remembered as the person one can betray their partner with.
When people are saying that rape is worse for male victims than for female victims, I feel like the quiet part is "because women are used to it."
i can turn you into poetry but i cannot make you love me.
(creds will be added in a hot sec! my bad y'all ;p)
A soulmate is someone who is committed to working through things together & doesn’t see giving up as an option – they’re willing to have difficult conversations & are always dedicated to finding solutions that make you both feel loved, reassured & respected in the relationship.
