Aw, Crap

The world famous paranormal investigator and alleged harbinger of the apocalypse, Hellboy. Affiliated with Citta Alveare. Indie-friendly.

[drinkinwithskeletons]

You awake to discover 4 or 5 presents stowed away in your abode, all of which have been boxed in pristine, vibrantly wrapped boxes adorned with bows. Some of these boxes contain: a pack of high quality cigars, a collection of VHS tapes of outdated action movies, an anthology of books of the Western setting and genre, a selection of ancient charms and sigils and a spanking new rug. (This is not to be published or responded to until the 25th. Merry Christmas!)

What the...

With some effort, Hellboy shoved all the crap out from under his bed at once. Twelve empty beer cans, two unopened beer cans, a stack of comic books, uncounted empty takeout boxes, and this...mysterious gift.

Christmas was mostly a tipsy blur consisting of too much food, too many cigars, and a mini fridge full of beer, so it wasn't a huge surprise that some presents got overlooked- but for so long?

It was like another Christmas. A mini-Christmas in February.

Hellboy opened the box, picked up one of the VHS tapes, and grinned.

"I know what I'm doin' today."

He proceeded to monopolize the couch for the entire evening.

[interweb-slinger-deactivated201]

drinkinwithskeletons said:’missin taco nite’ ‘I know, I’m on a job. Save me some?’ ‘wll do my best. no promises.’ ‘Gee, thanks.’

[interweb-slinger-deactivated201]

From… several months ago. Found it in the drafts.

Read More

[scarredandsardonic]

devils dance floor || drinkinwithskeletons

   Of course as soon as Wade got his invitation, Hellboy was informed that he would be Wade’s arm candy for the night. Begrudgingly, the [half]demon had accepted if only to make Wade happy. Or so that’s what he was telling himself. But bless his little heart, the merc had worked endlessly to ensure that they both had something that fit and would be considered appropriate by polite company.

   Much to Hellboy’s chagrin, that meant a monkeysuit. But Wade had put such care and time into it just to ensure that he wouldn’t be too uncomfortable. Which must be why he’s fussing so much with the damn tie. 

   ”I'm gonna be goin' around and around with this stupid thing all night, I'm telling you now.” He mused, tongue sticking out as he tried once more to get the thing to knot properly.  

    “So if I randomly haul you away from your time spent skulking in the corner you know why.” 

[drinkinwithskeletons]

"Do you gotta- hh- tie it so damn tight, though?" complained the big red demon in question, reaching up to readjust the tie- and pulling it askew again.

Hellboy was fine with parties, generally. He liked people, he liked music, and if you got enough beer into him, he even liked dancing. Fancy parties, though, those were an entirely different beast.

Nothing highlighted the differences between Hellboy and a human man quite like putting him in a suit- his too-broad chest, his tail, his hooves poking out at the end of his pantlegs. They never fit right and he'd always felt like an animal trying to play dress-up- it's why he didn't even attempt to dress 'normally' most of the time. Why even bother trying? He wasn't a human, as much as he might want to be. He just had to make the best of what he was.

This time, though. This time things were different. He wouldn't be the only non-human in the room, for one thing- which helped a lot. And for another, his suit was tailored to fit him instead of ordered and altered afterwards for his proportions, which is what usually happened with his clothes back home.

As he looked in the mirror at Wade and himself, he even realized that-

"We look damn good, don't we?" he asked, partly to Wade and partly in slight disbelief to himself.

[glaciaterx]

"Oh, boys?"

"I’m glad I’ve caught you both, there’s something I wanted to tell you."

Gliding into the lounge, Lissandra sat near the corner of the table. She paused for a moment, a hesitation typically unusual for her. She placed her hands onto the surface, rolling the fingers of her left hand. On the ring finger of which a neat platinum band of snowflakes supporting a glacial gem sat.

"Well, two things actually.”

[drinkinwithskeletons]

"What'd we do this time?" Hellboy joked good-naturedly as he ambled over to sit opposite her at the table.

Her new ring caught the light as she flexed her fingers, but Hellboy decided not to mention it until she did. It wasn't polite to assume about that kind of thing, after all.

"I'm all ears, Liss. Whatcha got for us?"

scarredandsardonic

[mizpollard-deactivated20160816]

Hellboy: Weird Tales #1 - Party Pooper is still like my favorite story, so I made some art.

Happy Birthday, HB

[mizpollard-deactivated20160816]

These drawings are 2-3 years old now BUT STILL

[drinkinwithskeletons]

Here’s to old times!

----

To getting drunk and baking badgermole bread.

Here's to you, shortstack.

[drinkinwithskeletons]

Dante would’ve been there to open presents with his Uncle Grandpa, he really would, if he hadn’t already promised to open his with his brother. Family first, you know? Still, he made sure to make his presents the brightest and shiniest ones of the bunch. They even came with little red devils on them, with tiny pitchforks and Santa hats. And, of course, there was a letter. ”To My Dearest Old Geezer

Merry Christmas, y’ol’coot! I guess , huh. I hope y’like my presents, I picked ‘em out real carefully. Only th’best f’my grandpa. Wish I could open these with y’! I woulda killed t’see it! Maybe a lil’ later y’can come to my place n’ watch th’Christmas Story marathon. Can’t make any promises ‘bout th’popcorn, though. 

Love, y’lil shit.” One of them was a whole box of cigars, the real genuine deal, straight from Cuba. How he got cigars from Cuba was a mystery. Maybe from the Cultural Sector? Man, who knows. Regardless, they were some real beauties.  The other was a bright red waffle maker, complete with a box of waffle mix, all nice and new. It was a fairly simple looking one, nothing too complicated — you could probably do it with one hand, if you wanted to. The mix was a special holiday gingerbread mix, of course. You could probably make some right now! Hey, it was still morning. No one could blame you!  Lastly, in the smallest one, there was a glove. Not a pair of gloves, mind you, just… a glove. A very large glove, given, and a comfy looking at that. Very vintage, one might even say… Grandpa like. It came with a note, saying only — ‘Sorry, didn’t find any big ‘nuff f’y’slugger hand. Too bad!’ 

Oh, Dante. 

----

Hellboy pulled on the glove, flexing his hand within the supple leather. "Grandpa, huh?"

He snorted and shook his head, smiling. "Smartass."

Maybe he could con Steve into adding festive waffles to Christmas dinner.

[drinkinwithskeletons]

In a short, dark blue box was a collection of cigars of a sublime quality. Rich texture and full taste. The snowflake spotted note read "A bit hypocritical, but I'm sure you'll enjoy. I think you would have liked Bilgewater. -Lissandra"

Hellboy inhaled one of his new gifts with relish.

"Maybe I would, if all their smokes are like this. Thanks, Liss."

[sereinementvotre]

When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it.

Caitlyn Siehl (via insanity-here-i-come)

[drinkinwithskeletons]

Hellboy’s gift wasn’t exactly glamorous; a good sized box with a shitty wrapping job and doodles of Hellboy and everyone else in the haus scribbled all over the paper in red sharpie. Inside was initially a card and layer of tissue paper, the card stuffed with more red sharpie sentiments and like all the other ones Wade sent — an unnecessary amount of glitter.  

Rum Runner,  so this is a thing.  happy holidays. please appreciate the stuff because now i can’t show my face in some of the shops in this city bc of the shit i did to get them.  ~ DP 

Beyond that— 

Comics. A lot of comics. Enough to fill the box nearly to its top, all of them of the same hero, some aged and others in various states of condition. 

------

Hellboy picked up one of the comics and shook off its layer of glitter.

"Jesus, Wade, you didn't have to go and..."

He opened it, and smiled.

Damn if it didn't bring back memories.

[drinkinwithskeletons]

A small box can be found among Hellboy’s presents, long and thin and wrapped in green-and-Santa-and-Rudolph wrapping paper with “Do not open until Christmas” written neatly in place of a giver on its sticker. Inside is a long steel case with a slot for two cigars on one side and a secure flask cap beside it, and a small matchbook on top of the case. There’s a small piece of paper wrapped around the two cigars occupying the space:

"Reminded me of you. Merry Christmas.

- Vergil”

"Aww. Wouldn't expect any less from my oldest drinkin' buddy."

"He even remembered how to spell my name, Hellboy- P A T R I C K. So many people mess that up."

[drinkinwithskeletons]

To Hellboy, 

I know we haven’t met properly but this is just a little thanks for lettin’ me stay with you guys. (Tried to stock it up too). 

Have a great Christmas! 

-Cpt. S. G. Rogers

-----

"...Well, I know what I'm doin' today."

[tinostoprunning]

"R-right! I promise not to hurt anyone with my powers. Especially not you, because you’re nice." She peered up at him with an expectant smile, hoping she was doing the right thing.

[drinkinwithskeletons]

He nods sagely at the child. "Sounds good to me."

"So, Tiny, riddle me this- how is it you and your hammer got into the middle of my lawn?"

[interweb-slinger-deactivated201]

AΓIADNE - Team Collateral Damage (CA EVENT)

[scarredandsardonic]

   Oh. That certainly was a thing.

     With a wide grin Wades swords were out and he was heading straight for the thing, chattering on about how Matt LeBlanc was the rabbit hole for TBS. He leapt up to stab the thing but got a rude awakening as he went.. absolutely nowhere. Something was stopping him from moving forward.

    “Okay, this isn’t totally annoying or anything—” He mused as he uselessly swung at the beast, the lion looking at him in an unimpressed manner before reaching out and slamming Wade into the nearest wall. A muffled ‘im alright’ came from the mercenary as he sat there, trying to get his bearings through the five alarms of ‘ow that hurts’.

    “Alright. Think. Why can’t you move. Something tells me it has something to do with that weird ass bracelet. What did it say? HEY! PADOWAN! Wait shit— NEVERMIND you’re blind you didn’t see it okay. Thinkthinkthin-”

   He pulled himself up and shook himself off. Okay so figure that out later, problem of the moment was that thing threatening to barbeque them. Picking up his swords, Wade huffed and made another attempt to stab the chimera. 

@earthrumblechampion

[seismicsight]

    Hellboy’s warning came just in time for Toph to erect a wall, and after the inital shock of ‘seeing’ such an outlandish creature wore off, she  began to bend chunks of the ground at the thing. In mid-stomp, she nearly toppled over from the force of some unknown pull.

   The moment Wade took off for the beast, she felt a weird tugging sensation, had to plant her feet firmly to keep from being jerked forward.

    What the-!? 

回—— "Hey Matches, was that you!?" she called out, more suspcious than ever about the bracelet that had been placed on them upon finding themselves in this place. She just knew it had to be why all this was happening.

    Another unexpected pull came from Wade’s direction as he went at the chimera.

回—— "Hey! Cut it out! I think you’re pulling me!"

        She dug in her heels and erected a wall to appear in his way. This was just as the chimera lashed out, and as its tail met the hard stone, a loud crunch reverberated in the small passageway.

interweb-slinger

[interweb-slinger-deactivated201]

Hellboy’s warning, while appreciated, wasn’t entirely needed on Peter’s part as his spidey sense blared at him to roll away from the fire. He felt the heat on his back as he attempted to find somewhere to web up to in order to get an aerial attack on the thing—

A force sent him to the ground from the jump out of his roll. His spider sense had made no comment on it, just continued to have that odd buzz from the chimera confined with them.

Another tug at his body in Wade’s direction had Toph’s theory confirmed. “You’re not the only one! He’s pulling me too!” Peter stood up, hearing the wall go up more than anything, and moved to join Wade.

There was a tug from two directions—one back at Hellboy and another where Toph was, preventing him from moving forward. On instinct, he shrugged hard and pulled his wrist, trying to break whatever force was there, and realizing a moment too late that he was probably pulling the other two towards him and Wade.

"Whoops!" Maybe instead he could pull the chimera towards them…?

drinkinwithskeletons

[drinkinwithskeletons]

The weird mark on Hellboy's hand flared with a strange red light as his friends ran around willy nilly, each tugging him in a different direction.

Well, this wasn't good.

"I think we're all tied together somehow!" he bellowed, fighting the invisible ropes tying him to his friends as he dodged another gout of fire breath. "We gotta get up close and personal on this one, folks- I'll grab it, try to choke out the fire head-"

With that, he gave in to the trifold pull towards the beast and sprinted at it, vaulting over the earthen wall Toph had erected to protect Wade - "S'cuse me, Deads," Hellboy said as he flew over the man- and landing roughly on the back of the creature.

Hellboy hooked an elbow around the neck of the goat head and wrenched it backward by one of its horns as it bleated in rage. Fire streamed out of its mouth and into the air above the chimera in a useless geyser of flame, away from the other three fighters. The lion's head snapped at him, but he managed to kick it away with a growled "None of that, you!"

scarredandsardonic

[interweb-slinger-deactivated201]

"Before you comment on the smell—I tried roasting chestnuts and it backfired horribly… though it’s all good now. We’ll just need a new fire extinguisher. And maybe a new rug, but, holiday cheer, right?”

Now he’s just depressingly cracking nuts with an average hand cracker while a poor painted Nutcracker man laid on its side in front of him. 

Holiday cheer is rough.

[drinkinwithskeletons]

"Rug and a fire extinguisher? I'll put 'em on the ol' Christmas list."

Hellboy makes a valiant attempt to not laugh at Peter as he pats the other man on the shoulder and sits down next to him at the kitchen table. He fails, but at least the snickering isn't that loud.

"What happened to 'em, did they explode?" he asks, taking one of the chestnuts in his stone hand and easily splitting the shell with a dull crunch.

[tinostoprunning]

"Haha! I didn’t know I was this strong!" She floated over to Hellboy and papped him on the arm, not seeming to notice the way her hand drifted through his limb. "Are you okay? I’ll kiss your boo-boo better!"

[drinkinwithskeletons]

He smiles down at the little ghost and shakes his head. "Nah, I'm fine. You just gotta watch out where you point those things, kiddo. 'With great power comes great responsibility', and all that."

[ginchycomics]

[Hellboy: Buster Oakley Gets His Wish]