WARNING: this is not a funny text post. it’s not a joke, it’s not something to laugh at. if you’re looking for something helpful or sweet or funny, this is not it. but if you’re looking for a window into someone’s most secret soul, then read on.
On Saturday, I will embark on the most terrifying and fascinating journey of my whole life: I start phlebotomy classes. For 8 hours each Saturday, for 5 weeks, I’m going to be lectured, and then practice sticking people with actual needles. I have to meet ~10 new people (and hopefully attempt to make friends with them!) all while trying to learn everything about phlebotomy that I can. I’m terrified, curious, nervous, excited, all at once. I’ve tried colleges before, 3 of them actually, and each time (despite knowing what I wanted to do), became so afraid of everything that I quit after a few months. I won’t be able to follow that path anymore; I’m too old, my SAT score is going to expire, I can’t drive, etc. So I chose a new path: drawing blood, becoming a literal bloodsucker. I love it, but I’m also so afraid.
I haven’t told anyone else about this plan either. Of course my parents know, since they’re the ones who have access to my college fund, and therefore must pay for the classes. I’ve told my boyfriend, who has been with me since the very, very beginning, who knows me better than even I do. My sister, who is a doctor, and my brother, who is a dick (lol), also know. But other than that? Nobody. Every time I try school again, I post about it everywhere, and then I get scared and quit. The phantom pressure that I feel from everyone gets to be too much. So, here I am, posting this on tumblr for a couple of strangers to read, even if it is almost 4AM.
I’m afraid, so afraid I can’t breathe. But I’m going to try my absolute best to finish these classes. I want to, for my boyfriend, for my family who has always supported me. For my future animals, as I am a huge bleeding heart and I want all the animals. But most of all, for me. For the shy girl who is never the first to speak; for the girl who fought mental illness for 14 years and did it, whatever ‘it’ is; for the girl who quit, every time, because doing anything is so much harder than just trying. I want to succeed. I want to win. So, that’s why I’m here, confessing my fears to you, the stranger on the internet. Thank you for reading this, and joining me on my journey :)
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