For the Aesthetic

a place for my writings - hi my name is hannah and i'm the shittiest person in the world - cis girl (she/her), bi as hell? - this is my second account so i can't follow back i'M SORRY

[grussell63]

I fully understand Peter Parker, because I too would trust Jake Gyllenhaal with my whole life and would not question anything he tells me.

[drugcanons]

she kinda rewrote everything i ever knew about love and friendship

i had never known friendship could be like that until i met her. she’s someone who craves my presence almost as much as i crave hers.

she’s really something special. i’ve never met anybody who randomly texts me about the shit they find in their house before, and i’ve never thought i’d like hearing about it.

i know i’ve got a big crush on her again. this is probably the sixth time. it’s hard when you’re almost in love with your straight best friend. sometimes i feel bad about it. she doesn’t know that i (almost constantly) wonder what it’d be like to kiss her. sometimes it makes me feel guilty, or even gross. i haven’t quite figured out how to deal with it.

but when she’s sitting on the bed across from me, and we’re lauging close to each other, and if’s pure happiness and smiles and bliss, can you really blame me for imagining what would happen if the distance between us closed a little more? what would happen if she were gay and she liked me too?

the dialogue in my head is a constant back and forth of what i want to be true and what is true. what i want is for my feelings to disappear. i feel sneaky, carrying this gay love in my heart while she has no idea. what is true is this is the sixth time this crush has come back, and i’m not quite sure what to do.

if i were more ballsy i’d probably tell her. but the simple fact is i can’t even get the guts to tell her i’m bi. three things could happen: (1) she could tell me that she has gay love for me too! and we become soft gfs & we go to europe on our class trip and then we go to different colleges and break each others hearts & maybe meet each other years later for one last night of closure & she’d be my first girl love & i’d be happy (2) she could be indifferent, nothing would change, and we continue on as usual (3) she could be indifferent, or eveb disgusted, and everything would change. i wouldnt see her ever again. i wouldnt know how to cope.

another rant dump bc i seem to have fallen in love again & i’d rather not be

[drugcanons]

Her eyes sparkled as I described the events of my day. The laugh that emerged from her lips made my heart flutter. Suddenly I was very aware of our proximity and aware of the longing that I wanted to be much, much closer. Her head was on her pillow, watching me as I told my story, as  I thought about how we were sharing such a small blanket, and that if I wanted to, I could’ve complained about how it wasn’t covering my legs enough. I could’ve scooted closer until our feet were touching. I wonder what that would’ve felt like.

I spoke of how dumb the boys in our school were, and she laughed again. It was small, a tiny chuckle, but something pulled at my heart, more insistent this time. I watched her face as I continued my story. I was too scared to lay down on the pillow next to her, too. Instead, I rested up on my elbows as I almost got lost in her electric blue eyes. They reminded me of a mermaid lagoon, and how, at any moment, a mermaid could’ve jumped up and pulled me in even further. I wouldn’t have minded.

I did my best not to stare at her mouth, but when she laughed I couldn’t help it. I snuck a glance, and I wondered what her laugh would feel like against my mouth. I wondered if our lips touched, would I manage to feel her happiness? It was the realization that I was the one who was causing her to laugh that almost pushed me over. 

I put my head on the pillow, then, wishing with all my soul that our hands could touch, that our faces would grow closer, that we’d kiss, and I would feel her smile against my tongue. 

It didn’t happen then. Maybe it will one day. 

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[alekdar]

*Thought Draco: And what everyone found in this Gryffindork? Idiot of humble origin *lift up Harry’s chin* Always shaggy *nose brushes away a lock of hair from Harry’s forehead* Potter is just… - *sleepy* Draco? -My treasure

[drugcanons]

i

miss 

him.

anyone of my friends would kill me if they ever heard me say that. they wouldn’t understand. i don’t even have a crush on him anymore. sure, i would date him in a heartbeat if he ever broke up with his girlfriend and asked me, but i barely even think about him anymore, and that is precisely the problem. 

my life used to be so straightforward. there was a boy, and i loved him. when he hurt me, i would hate him until i got sick of that and started loving him again. it sucked, sure, but i thought of him everyday. i was consistent. my first thought when i woke up, and all i thought about as i went to sleep.

now my brain runs rampant. there are too many things in the world to think about, like girls and school and fear and love and maybe not ever finding love. i haven’t slept well all month.

i finally got some sort of closure, though. it was beautiful. he looked me right in the eyes as he held my hand and told me that he was genuinely sorry. i told him that he had been a part of my life for so long that i was more thankful for everything he did. he hugged me a grand total of three (3) times. i felt so much better afterward. 

but he is still not a constant in my life anymore. it’s so difficult. i have lost a grand majority of my close friends (in the sense where i am civil, but no longer close with). the people who i talk to the most i am not close to. 

last night, i listened to hamilton for three hours, just trying to get back to who i was in eighth grade. she was a badass, and i miss her. 

[drugcanons]

i want to cry. 

i’ve been feeling it for a while now. it’s the moments just before your eyes overflow and the tears spill out. i blink, just as one does, to clear my vision, but my tears never fall. i get the same weird feeling in my jaw just like before i have to scrunch up my face to keep from sobbing, except it never comes. 

if you wanna talk about “no tears left to cry,” this is it. except not in the good way. sometimes you just need to cry, and it took me a while to learn that. the one moment where i really want to- and i can’t.

i’ve been thinking of “that damn boy again” and listening to all my sad playlists, and just trying in general to get so upset to the point where the tears come out. they won’t. 

i feel stuck in the middle of a spectrum. i am not happy, not at all, though i can pretend and laugh with my friends at school. however, i cannot cry at night, even when i need to. i feel stuck, as if i am floating in the middle of nowhere. my crushes used to ground me. at the moment, i think of them and feel nothing. 

it’s so odd, how i feel the moment i look at any one of them. i used to be able to think of somebody when i was upset, and i’d feel better. it doesn’t work like that anymore. i try not to think of my crushes when i’m upset now, because i am feeling nothing, and i hate thinking of any one of them as i am feeling nothing. 

sometimes you just need to cry. i need to cry. why can’t i cry?

[drugcanons]

good morning, let’s get this bread.

(i’ve been needing to type out my thoughts for so long and i finally got the chance holy fuck okay)

there’s so many stories i want to share and work through. i’m pretty sure i’m being catfished, i miss my best friend and haven’t talked to her in a hot minute, and i told a girl i had a crush on her and goddammit that didn’t turn out well at all. 

i’ve got so many issues goddamn i think i’m gonna start abstractly first, then go into specifics if i need to. 

[the-two-germanys]

[drugcanons]

i remember a while ago (i was like 11?) we got in line for the hogwarts express at universal and these two girls w/ matching outfits got in line behind us and i turn around & all of the sudden they were so close & holding hands and being hella gay and i couldnt stop staring at them (they saw me a couple times, they probably thought i was judging) but it was just such a cute expression of love to me i didnt wanna look away

i bring this up now bc i have now figured out that i am now hella gay and i would like to go on the hogwarts express with my beautiful girlfriend and blow some little future lesbian’s mind

[drugcanons]

this sucks

this weekend felt so strange and almost... not real?

on thursday i was talking to my best friend about something that happened with a few of my other friends.

to set up the scene and make things absolutely clear: we’ll call my best friend Abi. she has been my friend for about 3 1/2 years, and also the first person i came out to. we went to the same middle school. there was also a clique in our middle school, which we were definitely not cool enough to be apart of. fast forward a year or two to high school. Abi and I have always kinda hated the kids in that clique, but I had realized that they rlly weren’t that bad, and gotten much closer to them.

Abi and I have most of the same friends, except she is a tad closer to the kids from our old p.e. class, and I am a tad closer to the old clique from middle school (she is not friends with those people). we are also friends with the gay/emo/theater kids, and tho i love them lots, i don’t quite fit in with them bc i dont listen to most of the same music (even though i’m dying to ask one of them to make me a playlist, bc i know ultimately they are “my kind” of people)

anyway, back to thursday, when i am talking with Abi mentioning something that happened with the old clique. she said something along the lines, “oh you mean your fake friends?” i know she hates them, so i ignored it and let it slide, but the voice in the back of my mind kept saying- if those are your fake friends, you really don’t have any real ones.

so all weekend i’ve felt like shit, because there is no one group i fit into, and because of the very offhanded phrase that Abi said, i feel like i’ve got no friends.

i’ve been on the verge of a breakdown all weekend, but nothing has been enough to tip me over the edge, and being in this strange grey area is the thing i hate the most. i have homework and laundry and cleaning to do, but i can’t seem to get out of my bed simply because nothing feels real right now. this sucks.

[bookeworm94-deactivated20200223]

May your bookshelves be full and your tea always warm.

[drugcanons]

why is it that when i’m happy i can only think of you?

maybe it’s something conditioned in me. maybe i get happy, and my brain thinks “oh it must be because of you.”

i think that must be it, because i find myself missing you even while i’m in a happy relationship. i suppose that’s cheating-wanting someone while i'm with someone else-but our relationship exists solely in my head so it has to be okay. in the real world, i’m sure sometimes you forget i exist.

and of course that’s okay. feelings are never reciprocated, and i’ve been in love with you for so long that i’ve gotten quite used to it.

it has been a bit detrimental to my health, unfortunately. a big majority of my panic and anxiety attacks are caused by thoughts of you.

but how can i not think of you, when you’re the only person who comes to mind when i am happy?

[drugcanons]

...You matter to the people who love you. Because There Are. people who love you. You matter to all the other people out there who struggle with similar thoughts. You should matter to yourself. You are way more than your anxious thoughts. You are kind. You are lovable.

thank you, anon, for your kind message. i responded to both on this post and i kinda forgot how asks work so i’m answering this one in case it leaves you a message that i answered? 

but i thought that this message was also perfect for anyone who needed it so this is for all my followers who need to hear this <3

[drugcanons]

i wanted to answer on one post instead of two, so i apologize for not directly answering this ask; hopefully you’ll still be able to find this response?

anyway, all i wanted to say is that you are so, so sweet. like unbelievably kind. i didn’t expect anyone to read my post, and if they did i figured they would just ignore it.

but you are so kind, you went out of your way just to leave me a message to try and make me feel better. and even though the words themselves probably didn’t help much (they were beautiful, it’s just so hard to believe at the moment), it’s the fact that you left a message at all that really resonated with me. 

so thank you, anon, for taking a bit of time out of your day to leave this insecure girl a message. you mean so much to me just for that, and i am sending much love to you <3

[drugcanons]

Read Trigger Warning First?

/i still don’t know how these work but i’m kinda hating myself rn and i’m picking myself apart, so if you’re getting over a period like that, who knows, it might send you back, so maybe don’t read/

i used to think that having a boyfriend would solve all my problems. i wouldn’t feel so lonely at random times, because there was somebody that i could just randomly text whenever i was sad. somebody would be there to listen as i tried to talk through my anxiety attacks, and he’d stay up all night with me when my insomnia won’t go away. but most of all, i thought having a boyfriend would make me feel better about myself. i thought i’d be able to look at myself and not see a body full of fat. i thought that i could look at my chin and see a place where someone would want to kiss me absently, instead of another chin under it that was just so, so fat. i thought my stomach and my thighs would magically shrink because people only want to date someone beautiful, and getting a boyfriend would make me feel beautiful.

it’s only been a week, and maybe he’s not really my boyfriend, but i’ve never felt more awful about myself. i look in the mirror wanting to scream at my stupid, ugly, curly hair, because why won’t it just stay flat and straight like the other girls’? nobody can ever take candid pictures of me, because my face has gotten so big that my lips always look too small, and my double chin is always showing way too much, and my cheeks block my eyes from looking properly when they’re smiling.

i have someone who always tells me that i’m pretty. almost everyday. he assures me that i’m beautiful. but i don’t believe him. he goes to a different school, he doesn’t see me everyday. he doesn’t know what i look like on a daily basis, and i am so very certain that if he did, he wouldn’t like me anymore.

and that’s one of those most hurtful things of this whole realization.

[drugcanons]

excesoft fingertips

brushing soft lips

tracing over shoulders and thighs and hips

and over a chest where a heart is doing flips

laying on the bed on our sides

looking into each other’s eyes

our legs are all intertwined

and i’m grasping her arm because she is mine

i wake up from my daze

wishing that was the reality of my days

except we’re always going our separate ways

i just want to be with her always

-

i want her to be mine