It’s world mental health day.
I wish I could sit here and lie. Say that I feel amazing everyday and that I’m no longer depressed. That would be a fucking lie. I look at older posts from way back when and see how depressed I felt. I can see how much I hated myself and my body. I can see how much I self harmed and on which ways I planned on killing myself. I want to scream. I mourn for the child who grew up with mental health issues. Never feeling good enough, never feeling like enough for the world.
Real time. I still struggle. I struggle with an anxiety and panic disorder and a few other mental health issues. I would love to say how easy it is now I have accepted myself for who I am but realistically it doesn’t make it any easier, it just makes it bearable when I’m not in some sort of mental, fucked up state. Because even then I still find my mental health issues unbearable on occasions.
BUT, here’s the difference. I don’t dwell on how bad life is today, I just know tomorrow will be better. I depend on tomorrow being better and put my trust in knowing tomorrow I will feel good again. I never used to think I would feel good again and felt like once I was down, I would just stay down. But that’s not how this roller coaster of a life works. Tomorrow will come and the sun will rise. Living with mental illness is hard enough when we call it a fucking illness. I do it. It is not my illness it’s who I am. It’s me. I am not an depressive, I am not a multiple personality disorder. I am not defined by my anxiety. BUT I am an over thinker. I am a worrier. I do have a negative way of thinking sometimes. I do sometimes feel like I’m having a stroke. BUT in no way does this define who I am.
Life throws shit at you. The best way to deal with it is to carry on and try and improve on yourself every day. As long as I am the best human I can be right now I am winning at this game called life. One day I’ll look back and be proud that I went to work when I didn’t sleep last night due to anxiety. I will be proud I went for a job in retail even though answering the phones makes me nervous. I will be proud of who I am now because I am proud of where I have come from on this blog. I am proud I don’t self harm to deal with my issues. I am proud I don’t dig myself into depression anymore.
I am proud of how far I’ve come and in another 7 years I’ll be proud of how far I’ve come from this moment. I AM PROUD.
