How do you say nerd in Gnommish

This is an Artemis Fowl sideblog

[naradreamscape]

Let it be known that “Josh Gad unhinges his jaw and turbovores and shits out dirt” is INFINITELY worse if you’ve eaten an edible beforehand

[af-answers]

So I guess 2019 is #ArtemisFowl movie time? Seen the trailer?

Foaly: It wasn’t a proper trailer because I wasn’t in it, and what’s an Artemis Fowl movie without its star?

[mentosmorii]

Would LEP have HR? No. No they would not.

[thefriendlyquasar]

[personalcathedrls-archive]

even though ive never read the books nor have any intention to watch the movie, reading reviews for the artemis fowl one is so funny like

[saturnscope]

I watched the Artemis Fowl movie so you don’t have to

Mulch narrates the whole thing which is just as bad as it sounds

Artemis gets angry when he finds out that his dad is being accused of criminal activity, because “he’s my dad he would never!”

There’s this awful amazing scene where Arty is skateboarding with one of those one-wheel things and I laughed way more than I should

Yes Disney just decided to kill off his mum before the movie even takes place which makes no sense

Artemis spend quality time with his dad?? And his dad says I love you while they’re hugging??? Very out of character for everyone involved

The actual dialogue is very bad, very cliche and just.... *shudders*

Instead of it being a pile of stolen gold it’s some weird weapon thingy. Might be cuz I haven’t read the books in years but I don’t remember that at all

Butler is v strange. Yeah they made him black instead of following the actual representation in the books because That’s Disney Baby! But they also gave him super bright blue eyes which look very fake.

Apparently Artemis Senior is just trying to protect humanity... seems fake but ok

Jokes about fake discrimination that I don’t really understand

And that’s just the first 20 minutes!!

Yes Disney ruined the awesome thing about Holly being the first girl in LEP and in doing so ignored the presentation of gender inequality and how Holly defies that

Yeah she’s white ouch

Haven city looks like a ripoff of any Star Wars scene ever

At exactly 24:47 Foaly makes the stupidest noise ever it’s funny but not in a good way

They made Holly seem bad and inexperienced for no reason

“Stay shielded at all times Holly!”

*bursts out of a volcanoe screaming and flying over a city*

Foaly is my only solace in this movie. He’s beautiful and he’s a centaur and he wears a skirt. What more is there to say?

Half an hour left and I have a feeling of remorse that it hasn’t ended

They did not make Julia or Butler cool at all

Kind of spoilers but Butler started dying at one point and I don’t actually know why. All he says when he recovers is “I didn’t cry did I?” Congrats on reinforcing toxic masculinity Disney

MULCH’S MOUTH AHHHH WTF

There’s slow motion a couple times and it’s very jittery and stuttery

For some reason no one other than Artemis and Dad Artemis actually has an Irish accent

Imma be real with you guys I felt a bit hollow when I finished. God that sucked. That troll wasn’t even rendered well.

-69/10 Artemis didn’t even get any gold

[lackingsaint]

[dragonsareawesome123]

The fact that they HAD the scene where Artemis tortured the sprite for her book in Ho Chi Minh City, and then they just didn’t include it in the final cut????????? The AUDACITY! This scene is the best scene of the movie and it’s not even in it!

[brekkie-bing]

I’m not angry. Just disappointed

[july-19th-club]

artemis fowl books + the onion

you know the drill

“Artemis Fowl”:

“The Arctic Incident”:

“The Eternity Code”:

“The Opal Deception”:

“The Lost Colony”:

“The Time Paradox”:

“The Atlantis Complex”:

“The Last Guardian”:

[algernoninwonderland]

Yeah, the Artemis Fowl film is an insult to both its source material and the very concept of “film” but please don’t give the actors hell for their performances!

[michellejackson]

[mori-melodrama]

I have so many thoughts on the Artemis Fowl movie, but mostly

[leona-florianova]

sometimes…its ok to punch a child

[mentosmorii]

a VERY funny take on book 1 would be that up until Holly’s capture, Butler saw Artemis’ desire to kidnap a fairy and ransom them for gold as like, the 12-year-old equivalent to how Angeline had sunk into a fantasy world to avoid confronting the fact that her husband was most likely dead. The eventual failure of Artemis’ mission (in Butler’s eyes) would bring catharsis and usher in the healthy realization that it was time to move on, and although this was on track… BOOM they get mind-bogglingly lucky and run into holly, suddenly its_all_frighteningly_real.png, and Butler is embroiled in an inter-civilizational conflict that leads to him having to melee fight a troll at 2 am

[brawltogethernow]

Butler: What is that?

Artemis: It’s the fairy? That we’ve been hunting?

Butler:

[caps-clever-girl]

aye you can sure fuckin say that again

[jewishdragon]

I wonder how the Artemis Fowl movie is going to handle the fact that for the first four books, but especially the first one, Artemis is the “bad guy”. He has some decent motives that are revealed at the end

but he’s literally a criminal mastermind, who kidnapped and tortured people in book 1, and it takes him 4 books to become a “good guy” and 4 more to become a genuinely good person

[jewishdragon]

Ah i see

They didn’t handle it