Denise

my own life as a boring corny blog

[dumbclover]

hi im Denise, im 20 and im pretty sure im depressed. ive decided to start writing a blog in order to overcome my desire to disappear. ill use this as my personal diary from now on because lately even grabbing a pen seems too tiring. i dont think anyone will ever read this and im cringing as im writing, but i think this is one of the least scary ways out of this.

i dont really have any interests, and i dont think i can enjoy anything anymore. i used to paint, write and take pictures as hobbies. i used to like disgustingly recorded indie movies, bad and loud dream pop music. and the only thing i can recall now is that i have an addiction for green tea as if it were nicotine. i dream almost every day about someone that i used to love, i miss my dead dog, i get colds too easily and i find myself every day binging on 9/11 documentaries. ive been looking for a 4 leaf clover since i was like 16 and im scared of dolls.

im regretting this blog but i dont think god wants me anywhere else right now so here i am, opening my heart to a dumb hidden blog on tumblr

[kitties-of-flickr]

Paranapiacaba, an old little city, SP!!

2005

[dumbclover]

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i dont think you think about me. its kinda selfish to even complain about this because i dont really think about you either, it makes me sad because maybe ur the only person thats always there even though i feel like youre never truly there at all

it feels weird because it really seems like you love me but i cant feel it even a little bit. recently i started feeling things for music again. i think im slowly becoming myself again, but i dont feel you in any way. i dont feel you close and i dont feel like you care at all, maybe its ugly for you to see me cry, to see how bad i can get sometimes, but it only bothers you because im drifting away from what you met and from what you once thought was pretty and nice to have around and i feel really stupid because i feel the same way about you.

i have no idea whats happening in my heart but i know very well that im not in love with anyone and i dont even know if ill ever be able to fall in love again. i like some people but it never goes beyond that and i dont know if i can handle everything thats going through my head right now. i dont know if ill ever feel satisfied again i dont know if ill have the courage to find what i want and i dont know if im gonna die without ever finding that beautiful feeling again and that hurts more than anything else in the world

[dumbclover]

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lately love feels too overwhelming to be something enjoyable. when my brain cant load up on dopamine, it feels pointless having someone close to me. i wish this emptiness wasnt so big, so consuming. i wish i didnt have to force a smile every time you tell me you love me. i wish it were simpler, more innocent, and not so twisted. all i really want is attention, and thats more than clear. it makes me feel selfish, it makes me angry at everyone because i hate being the way i am.

i wish your brain could process these emotions the way mine does, or better yet, i wish your heart knew how to deal with mine.

[one1tap]

[slaughtered-angel]

[dumbclover]

i wish there were a way to show you everything that goes through my head so i could know if what you genuinely feel for me is real. like some kind of mri but instead of seeing my blurry, ugly brain, you could see my thoughts like a powerpoint presentation, i feel like that would make things so much easier. you have no idea how badly i wanted to feel something that day when we went for a walk. i would’ve loved to be in love in that moment, and for every joke you made to actually seem funny to me.

[dumbclover]

i genuinely love autumn

[dumbclover]

i know that there are like a lot of things wrong with me, but people who dont really know me, and that i dont really know, and for sure dont care about me, keep asking me if i am ok. idk if its related to my huge eye bags or my weird body posture, but i think its getting too bad, i used to be a ghost, now that i dont want attention i feel like im in the spotlight. omg she hasnt slept for three days and also showered just today after 72 hours of not doing it LOOK AT HER

i dont enjoy making myself look miserable on the internet but it is what it is. also i dont think anyone is reading :p

[dumbclover]

im trying to make myself enjoy music again. its been difficult lately since even my favorite artists sound like shit. im trying to discover new genres and also concentrating more on the melody and lyrics instead of just hating it because it bores me

[unlucky2011]

[dumbclover]

im actually extremely scared of not finding anyone to love ever again. you dont understand how bad that feeling is until you find someone who loves you like is nothing but you cant feel anything. it is even scarier when you cant even love your favorite song, your mom or the sun rising on another day.

[dumbclover]

today was a slow day at the uni, i cried a bit before getting ready to go but it wasnt that bad. now i get to take a nap after a good meal so thats cool. the autumn cold finally reached my city today, excellent news for a tea lover like me. my only concern for the day was that my old and rusty jacket is getting a little too old and rusty and im afraid of letting her go.

pic unrelated, just wanted to flex my funny socks