I am learning to express and understand my insecurities. This is based on demons from my past. I also understand and respect that everyone has vastly different insecurities in their life. We all are our own unique beautiful imperfect creatures.
When it comes to being a working person I am a very confident person. When it comes to a gym healthy type of life I am confident. If in either place I feel that I am doing something wrong or that I need help, I will ask, I have no issues seeking input. I will watch and learn to become better at what it is that I am trying to accomplish.
Where I lack confidence, at times, is within myself and in relationships.
With myself, because I feel I have never done anything right. Even when I am deciding with the best of intentions, eventually, I will feel that maybe I have made the wrong decision. Leaving a well paying job to struggle but doing it because I was very unhappy. I know it was the right decision but the road has been long and hard. Living in a way that is stifled, driving a car that seems like it may go any day now. Again I believe it was the right decision but when I see other paths ahead of me I have self-doubt and fear that I will choose wrong and fall 10 steps back. As I get older and I have to realize my time is limited on this planet how many setbacks can I have? I am scared to make a change even when I know a change is needed.
At moments I falter and my self doubts are projected onto my relationships and they should not have anything to do with that but it happens. Not in a harmful to anyone way but in a way where I hear voices saying that I am not good enough. They were not with me when I was a little boy or a young man dealing with issues. I say I’m sorry but I fear that I will project again and I don’t want to. My biggest fear is failing everyone and making them all feel as if they are not important enough to me. That someone doesn’t show me enough when they do. But I ruin everything. Even when I try to do things with the best of intentions I screw up and put myself back again. I get tongue-tied and sound stupid. I get scared to speak because I don’t want to fuck up or make things worse. So I smile but on the inside I am scared and the worry is hidden. Now mind you, this does not happen often but more than once is enough for me. I think sometimes all of this keeps me alone and it’s better to just isolate.
As the 2nd definition up top goes as danger or threat. I am my own worst enemy, I am the one that sets me back, there is no one to blame but me. The burden of my stupidity from a lifetime of mistakes. I do scare myself but not in the sense that I’m a terrible person or a danger to those I love or anyone. I have been a great father, I’m told that I am a good man a good friend. I just worry with self-doubt and it causes my steps to stutter tripping me up. In everything.
I am learning to understand this within myself and it means I am doing a lot soul searching, reflecting. I need to understand that these insecurities have also helped make me a decent person. I am just guarded at times with others. I have these walls put up I don’t allow anyone through them. I have trust issues because from childhood to adulthood people have betrayed me. I have anxiety because of these things, they sometimes spiral me into depression. Because the voices in my head can be loud and sometimes they are mean and full of anger. They whisper that I am not worthy of anything in this life. They want me to scream at the world. They make me want to run and hide like a scared child.
But I am here and I am doing the best I can. I am continuing to make what I believe are the right decisions. I am quieting the voices, I tell them I can do this that I am strong and capable. That I’m not stupid, that I’m good, and it doesn’t matter if sometimes I still get lost. But I continue to put my best foot forward. To be positive, to show love, to be good. Deep breath, breathe…
The decisions I make today and tomorrow I accept. I tell myself not to live in a box of fear and self-doubt. That there are moments that I will stumble and fall to my knees but I won’t give up, so I get back up and dust myself off and take steps forward again. I will fail again and I understand that, I need to understand that. I accept my life situation as of now and I know that someday it will be better, my car will be better, my job will be better. Life overall will be better.
Does it matter how much life is left at that point? Voice of self-doubt, maybe someday it won’t be there. Maybe my insecurities will fall away and I will be freer and happier. But for now, it’s all there and I am still learning to listen and to ignore…because I am not done yet.
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