Yoko: Nope. Recipes for the most mind blowing, absurdly tasty-as-fuck pastries that will ever bless your mouth.
Divina: *incredulous stare*
Divina: Youâre telling me that Wednesday Arsenic-is-a-Seasoning Addams recites entire goddamn recipes in dead languagesâ
Divina: ârecipes for ludicrously delicious baked goods, whenever Enid bangs the grumpy out of her?
Yoko: *hopeful* Yes. That is exactly what Iâm saying.
Divina: đ¤Ś
Yoko: Babe? Do you need an ibuprofen? That vein isâ
Divina: Give me a cookie.
Yoko: Er, what?
Divina: *holds out a hand* Or a brownie. Muffin. Whatever the fuck you made from one of these supposed recipes. If one isnât in my hand in ten secondsâŚ
Yoko: đ˛
Yoko: *scrambles to her desk, rummages, and return with something*
Yoko: Here! Try this! Made this one yesterday.
Divina: *takes theâŚ* Churro. This is just a churro.
Yoko: Trust, babe. I promise you, itâll all make sense. Just try it.
Divina: *eyes the churro*
Divina: *takes a bite*
Divina: *chews*
Yoko: So whatcha think?
Divina:
Divina: *filthy moan*
Yoko: *relieved fist pump*
Divina: Holy⌠Holy fucking shit. I think my tongue just came. What the actual fucking fuck?
Yoko: So am I off the hook?
Divina: Off the hook? Babe, imma need more like this, stat. Does she do this every time?
Yoko: Just about. Toughest part is the actual translating.
Divina: Iâll get Biancaâs help.
Yoko: You think sheâd be interested?
Divina: Are you kidding me? She once kneecapped me at swim camp over the last cupcake.
Yoko: Yikes. Okay, so wanna help me translate the rest of this one?
Divina: Sure. Do I just try writing the phonetics for this part?
Laptop: *slurred post-orgasm gibberish*
Yoko: *quickly stops the recording* Oh fuck no. NEVER the shit after she comes.
Divina: Why is that? Are those recipes not-so-great?
Yoko: Less recipe, more ritual. I only tried one and that summoned The Bone Gorger.
In the future, after Wednesday gives her daughter something she brought back from her research trip to Scotland.
Shelley: *cradling a small white rabbit* Thank you, Mother!
Wednesday: You are quite welcome, my tiny terror. Now go show your new hunting companion our territory.
Shelley: *squeals and takes off* Bunny, bunny, bunny, BUNNY! YAAAAAY!
Enid: *smiles as she eyes her wife appraisingly*
Enid: So⌠you bringing back an adorable pet bunny from one of your trips was not on my Bingo card.
Wednesday: That creature is no pet. It is Shelleyâs companion and, should circumstances require, her guardian.
Enid: *giggles* A guardian bunny? Babe, Shelleyâs a werewolf. Iâm pretty sure sheâll be the one doing the guarding.
Wednesday: And that creature was from the Cave of Caerbannog.
Enid: CaerbaâŚ? What are youâ OH!
Enid: *laughing* Ohmygosh. I canât believe youâve seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail!
Wednesday: *confused look* I assure you, I have never encountered a python named âMontyâ, and the holiest vessel Iâve beheld is the communion cup Uncle Fester uses to contain his shed toenails.
Enid: EW! I did NOT need that image in my⌠in myâŚ
Enid: đŚ
Enid: đŤ˘
Enid: Wednesday, my delicious donut of damnation, please tell me you didnât just give our 5-year-old daughter a killer rabbit for a pet.
Wednesday: Companion.
Enid: *sharply* Wednesday.
Enid: đĄ
Wednesday: đ
Wednesday: đ
Wednesday: Oh. Look. My writing hour. If youâll excuse meâŚ
Enid: WEDNESDAY! GET YOUR GOTHY LITTLE ASS BACK HERE ORâ
Enid: Shelleyâs up in her room. She got in trouble at preschool.
Wednesday: Oh?
Enid: *sighs* Yeah. Shelleyâs teacher caught her telling the other kids that we said girls can get married.
Wednesday: Which is entirely true.
Enid: Yes, but thatâs not the issue. When her teacher tried to tell her that it wasnât the time to be talking about that, Shelley screamed âNo! My mommies said girls can get married!â.
Wednesday: I still do not see an issue with her behavior. In fact, all I feel is pride.
Enid: And then she set the classroom on fire.
Wednesday:
Wednesday:
Wednesday: Ah.
Enid: Ah is right, Miss Arson-Is-A-Valid-Solution.
Wednesday: Iâll go and have a talk with her. *heads for the stairs*
Enid: To admonish her, right?
Wednesday: *scurries up the stairs*
Enid: Wednesday! To admonish her, RIGHT? WEDNESDAY!
In the distant future, after Wednesday drops her daughter off at kindergarten.
Bianca: Holy crap, you look like shit. What the hell happened? Long stakeout? Get kidnapped again?
Wednesday:
Wednesday: Yes.
â The previous night. â
Art commissioned from the ever amazing artist @thatwomanlovingpotatofromtwitter. She really brought Shelley (and the sleep-deprived agony of parenthood) to life. đĽš
Enid: Not to doubt your skills, Wends, but thereâs like no way you rescued me all by yourself.
Wednesday: Anything can be accomplished given sufficient motivation and resources.
Enid: Uh huh. Agnes helped you, didnât she?
Wednesday: You mean my resource.
Enid: Wednesday! We talked about this, Agnes is NOT a resource, she is a FRIEND.
Agnes: *materializes* I can be both!
Wednesday/Enid: *simultaneously* No, you CANâT.
Agnes: Wh-What?
Enid: What I mean is you canât be both because youâre a friend, Agnes, not a resource. You arenât just some asset to be deployed. You are a living, breathing, friend.
Wednesday: Enid, stop, you donât knowâ
Enid: *whirls on her girlfriend* No, YOU donât know! Wednesday, you are the love of my life, but sometimes you can be so. Freaking. Callous!
Wednesday: *suffering sigh* Donât say I didnât warn you.
Agnes: *looks between the two* Really? You think Iâm a friend? A close one?
Enid: *turns back to Agnes with a gentle smile* Of course I do. Heck, youâre basically family.
Wednesday: Iâ
Enid: *shoots Wednesday a withering glare* Donât EVEN.
Agnes: Do⌠Do you really mean it?
Enid: Totes! You, Agnes DeMille, are family.
Wednesday: *deeply resigned sigh*
Agnes: Sinclair, you mean.
Enid:
Enid: Excuse me?
Agnes: *smiles triumphantly as she holds something out to Enid*
Enid: *peers at the passport* Agnes Sinclâ WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS?!
Agnes: My second choice. I was honestly hoping for Agnes Addams, but I can always wait for my mommiess to get married.
Enid: m-M-MOMMIES?!
Agnes: Eventually! Anyways, I have to go blackmail some government officials. And donât worry, I already forged all of the signatures so you wonât even have to lift a claw.
Enid: B-B-B-Butâ
Agnes: Bye, Mom! Kisses! *promptly vanishes*
Wednesday/Enid: đ đ¨
Wednesday: *with great sarcasm* Good job, âMomâ.
Enid: *anxiously* Youâre positive this will work?
Yoko: It should. Itâs how that other girl managed to get a date with Wednesday.
Enid: *whines*
Yoko: Hey, youâre the one that decided to fake date your emotionally constipated roommate to make your ex jealous, caught feels for said roommate who obviously returns those feelsâ
Yoko: âthen went ahead and got back together with your dumb ex, inadvertently leaving the one you really want so upset and emotionally vulnerable that she went to a partyâ
Yoko: âwhere she got drunk enough that some rando girl with a little blood on her managed to successfully ask her out.
Enid:
Enid: Fine. Okay. Iâm a big Alpha wolf, I can do this.
Yoko: Fucking finally. So before we cover you with this bucket of blood, which Iâll remind you I skipped lunch for a week to put togetherâŚ
Enid: *winces* Thanks again. Iâll make it up to you.
Yoko: Just donât mess this up. Now as I was saying, before the blood, we inject this fella straight into your heart.
Enid: What? WHY? What even IS that?!
Yoko: Adrenaline, duh. Canât have you passing out from the blood, now can we?
Enid: Oh. Okay. Makes sense.
Yoko: Uh huh. Ready, pup?
Enid:
Enid: Letâs do it.
â Moments later, in the Quad. â
Wednesday: *sitting alone*
Enid: *storms up to Wednesday covered in human blood, eyes wild and froth on her lips, fully vibrating like sheâs about to snap*
Wednesday: You are a fool if you think you can threaten me into another public dinner date.
Enid: Oh yeah? Well, recognize THIS? *holds up her phone*
Wednesday: *eyes narrow*
Wednesday: That appears to be a copy of the candid footage of my Raveân dance. The same one you had assured me was erased from existenceâ
Wednesday: âcombined with a song by that pretentious pop star you admire, who bears a peculiar resemblance to Rosaline Rotwood.
Enid: Bingo! If by the end of the night I donât have a mad case of the meat sweats from cramming my face with of an unholy amount of steakâ
Enid: âIâm posting this little gothic sensation on every single soul-sucking void of meaningless affirmation.
Wednesday: And that should concern me because�
Enid: Because it WILL go viral. If you thought your Nevermore fan club was annoying, imagine MORE of them, except every single one is imitating your dance.
Wednesday: *eyes subtly widen*
Enid: Weâre talking millions of obsessed online sycophants, all spreading your grim 'n grouchy vibe in a viral pandemic of rampant popularity.
Wednesday: âŚmillions?
Enid: Millions.
Wednesday:
Wednesday: Will the churrascaria in Burlington suffice in achieving this âmeat sweatsâ you speak of?
Enid: Yup!
Wednesday: And will I need to wheelbarrow you out of the restaurant like last time?
Enid: Absolutely.
Wednesday: If I make reservations, will you delete that infernal video?
Enid: Would you believe me if I said yes?
Wednesday:
Wednesday: *blushing* I find that blackmail looks good on you.
Enid: Dearest wife, why the heck did you bring our silver engagement dagger?
Wednesday: Senior year, third weekend of first semester, girlâs night.
Enid: Huh?
Wednesday: I kissed Divina at our bachelorette party. I have successful married you. That leaves one obligation to fulfill, and an Addams always makes good on their promises.
Enid: Huh??
Wednesday: And speak of the Devil⌠*turns*
Esther: *walks up with a disdainful sneer* Well, Enid, it looks like you got your way in the end. I suppose it takes a freak to love a disappointment.
Pre-Wenclair. In the room atop Ophelia Hall, after returning from Paris.
Enid: Wednesday? We have to talk.
Wednesday: *drifts towards Enidâs side of the room* About?
Enid: This thing between us. Since Paris, itâs changed. Weâve gotten like crazy close.
Wednesday: *places a hand on Enidâs desk* Isnât that part and parcel of being packmates?
Enid: Yeah, but itâs more than that. You let me touch you. Heck, weâve been sharing the same bed for like a whole dang month!
Wednesday: *feels Enidâs laptop* Codependency is common between those with a shared trauma bond.
Enid: Yeah? What about the way your heart races whenever I get changed? Or how your eyes linger on my lips, like you want to lick the color right off them?
Wednesday: *hastily runs her fingers along Enidâs books* You are mistaken. Perhaps your prolonged time as a wolf has you hallucinating.
Enid: Ohmygod, Wednesday! I am NOT hallucinating! Iâm, uhâŚ
Enid: *watches as Wednesday pokes through her things*
Enid:
Enid: âŚwhy are you doing that?
Wednesday: *prodding at Enidâs plushies* Doing what?
Enid: Touching all of myâ ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO USE YOUR POWERS TO GET OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION?
Wednesday: Of course nâ *finally seizes with a vision while simultaneously looking relieved*
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