the man in the chair.

[dvrthleeds]

texts: ned/mary-jane ( accidental ).

Mary-Jane: almost as cool as comic book characters.

Mary-Jane: i would not say no to candy. i freaking love tootsie pops.

Mary-Jane: i'll take you to sephora, find your shade match lmao.

Ned: not as cool as the actual avengers though.

Ned: they're good, yeah...but i love reese's. they're so good.

Ned: oh my god. haha. what a date.

[dvrthleeds]

text to peter.

Peter: nothing will ever be more important than ben, and that's how things will turn out okay for everyone. we have common ground.

Peter: if mary-jane and i talk again, i'll put in a good word for you.

Peter: shut up. gwen knows i'm lame.

Ned: true. you guys are going to be awesome parents, together or not.

Ned: PLEASE.

Ned: i'm going to text her about all the lame shit you've done over the last few years.

[dvrthleeds]

texts: ned/mary-jane ( accidental ).

Mary-Jane: oh, shit. well then fuck him. i'm sorry, i'm dumb. i hear cartoon characters and get excited.

Mary-Jane: my mom thinks giving us candy will ruin our teeth. we aren't allowed to have fun.

Mary-Jane: it's a feminine presenting thing. it's like crack to those of us that adore it. i'd totally do your makeup though, ngl. i love doing people's makeup.

Ned: cartoon characters are cool as fuck.

Ned: that sucks. that just makes me want to buy you a ton of candy just because you're missing out.

Ned: i have never had someone do my makeup before. i mean, why not? lol.

[dvrthleeds]

text to peter.

Peter: it's okay, i've accepted it and i know it was probably for a reason. i'm happy for them, really.

Peter: with all the avengers around he's gonna end up a funny little terror, i'm calling it now.

Peter: YES OH MY GODDD.

Peter: gwen is looking at me like i'm a psychopath. i'm dying.

Ned: i'm glad. i mean, do i like you more than harley? duh, but...it's whatever. you guys will always be there for ben and that's what's important.

Ned: oh, he is. it's going to be hilarious.

Ned: that's insane.

Ned: she's gorgeous and like...so cool.

Ned: lmao she's gotta learn you're a dork somehow.

[dvrthleeds]

texts: ned/mary-jane ( accidental ).

Mary-Jane: how's that an insult? maui and ralph are cool as hell.

Mary-Jane: wow, how lucky for us. i got a giftcard for sephora and a few new books/dvds in my stocking.

Ned: it was a racist remark and a fat joke rolled into one. :\

Ned: no candy? what a rip off. also what's so great about sephora? i went with one of my best friends once and all i got was my arm painted with sparkly shit and lipstick and it smelled like someone dumped 30 perfumes into the floor and rolled in it.

[dvrthleeds]

text to peter.

Peter: hopefully harley can help her overcome some of that. she deserves to feel good about herself.

Peter: i'm so glad you've been there for her and him, dude. thank you.

- three minutes later -

Peter: - picture of smol peter and a smol redhead girl -

Peter: OH MY GODDDD MARY-JANE WATSON?! I SAW HER HALF NAKED I'M GONNA DIE. SHE WAS LIKE MY FREAKING SISTER WHEN I WAS A KID I CANNOT DEAL.

Ned: i know it sucks that you two didn't end up together...but he loves her....and he's been really good to ben too.

Ned: you're welcome. it was no problem. she's one of my best friends too and i love ben. he's so sweet.

Ned: OH MY GOD.

Ned: WHAT

Ned: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

[dvrthleeds]

texts: ned/mary-jane ( accidental ).

Mary-Jane: people can be so inconsiderate and gross when they're trying to shove us all into their bullshit societal boxes. it gets on my nerves.

Mary-Jane: LMAO buy me a ringpop and we'll talk.

Ned: considering our school bully once called me the love child of wreck it ralph and maui from moana i feel that.

Ned: pretty sure my mom put one in my stocking so we may be good to go. -thumbs up emoji-

[dvrthleeds]

text to peter.

Peter: i mean, i'm sure she's 100% as gorgeous as she was before ben but she's always had body image issues to some extent. it's probably made them worse and i feel guilty because that's technically my fault. but also, she loves ben and so do i so it isn't a horrible thing completely?

Peter: life is complicated.

Peter: no, no. dude. she's just there for me because she sorta gets it. we're both recovering from the things that happened on titan and it's just.. easier. we know how to calm each other down.

Peter: ned. shut the fuck up oh my godd.

Ned: yeah, i mean, she's hot. she's always been hot. she's gotten curvier, but like...i don't think it's bad, you know? i don't get it. girls are weird. lol.

Ned: ben is the cutest thing to ever happen to this planet. he's gotten to the point where he smiles and laughs at stuff now and i may or may not have cried the first time i heard him laugh it was so cute. like those videos of kittens sneezing? like that.

Ned: ohhh okay.

Ned: never in a million years.

Ned: ALSO, DUDE

Ned: -ss of the more recent texts-

[dvrthleeds]

texts: ned/mary-jane ( accidental ).

Mary-Jane: being conventionally attractive is overrated. if i hear someone calling me 'the girl-next-door stereotype' one more time, i'm gonna scream.

Mary-Jane: i'm sure you're drop dead gorgeous, even if you wouldn't call yourself conventionally attractive.

Mary-Jane: star wars? 90s music? 80s slasher films? i'm swooning.

Mary-Jane: honestly, it's my goal to one day be as badass as general leia organa. until then, i'll just cry and keep building my lego death star in my room.

Ned: oh no, that's gross and kind of weird. i mean, being the girl-next-door is fine, but applying that stereotype to an actual human being is not okay. i have a friend who gets manic-pixie-dream-girl-ed all the time...well she did prior to getting with her boyfriend but yeah, that was like a frequent thing and i always was uncomfortable on her behalf.

Ned: https://media.giphy.com/media/f6UOUjxj2RY52/giphy.gif

Ned: wow, really?

Ned: holy shit.

Ned: marry me.

Ned: i'm sorry that was weird. lol.

[dvrthleeds]

texts: ned/mary-jane ( accidental ).

Mary-Jane: i won't look you up if you don't want me to. i don't want to make you uncomfortable.. i say, after i sent you my half-naked body without your consent. smh. i'm sorry again.

Mary-Jane: dfgdg you're sweet. flattery will get you everywhere.

Ned: let's just say i'm not conventionally attractive and girls probably wouldn't talk to me if my best friend wasn't my best friend.

Ned: actually best friend(s) plural.

Ned: but i mean, hey...if you're into nice guys...not like internet "nice guys" that are actual dicks, but like, real nice guys...and/or star wars, 90's music, and 80's slasher movies than i am your dude.

Ned: noted ;)

[dvrthleeds]

text to peter.

Peter: shut uppp. no. that would end in disaster. i'm gonna stay firmly parked in my spot hiding under the covers while gwen protects me.

Peter: you are not a fucking blobfish, ned.

Peter: i will too! and hey. you didn't tell anyone i was spider-man but you DID tell flash that i knew him and i'm still screaming.

Ned: why? we've done that before. i mean, besides the fact that brie's like really weird about her body now, which is like i said...weird...considering she used to show up to parties like...wearing skimpy clothes.

Ned: wait. gwen? are you two like...a thing?

Ned: that selfie you have as my contact picture disagrees.

Ned: HEY AND WHERE DID THAT LAND YOU? BRIE CALLING YOU A LIAR, BUT SAYING THAT SPIDER-MAN HAD A NICE ASS AND HE COULD WEB HER UP WHENEVER HE WANTED AND LOOK WHAT CAME FROM THAT...BEN, SO...SHUT UP. YOU'RE WELCOME. INGRATE. lmao.

[dvrthleeds]

texts: ned/mary-jane ( accidental ).

Mary-Jane: thanks, sugar.

Mary-Jane: my face is decent, ig.

Mary-Jane: ooh full names? guess i better be fair. i'm mary-jane watson.

Mary-Jane: - https://data.whicdn.com/images/304223434/large.jpg -

Mary-Jane: threw on a sweater, so, y'know.

Ned: no problem at all.

Ned: i bet it's better than decent.

Ned: oh shit i did give you my full name. oh my god now you can look me up on instagram and facebook shit goddammit why am i an idiot?

Ned: anyway.

Ned: better enjoy this one while it lasts.

Ned: wow, holy shit yeah i was right.

Ned: you're gorgeous. oh my god.

[dvrthleeds]

text to peter.

Peter: wowwww.

Peter: shut up, dude. you're a freakin catch.

Peter: if this is how you meet the love of your life i'm telling every single one of your children and grandchildren exactly how it happened.

Ned: now we just need mj and brie and we'll crash the indoor pool in my complex and let them sing along to shitty bruno mars songs while brie vlogs and drink enough mountain dew that we all nearly pass out from some kind of caffeine overload.

Ned: yes. i'm a catch bc i am actually a blobfish. you are correct. glad you're using that brain to spread the obvious truth.

Ned: oh my god you will not.

Ned: i didn't tell anyone you were spiderman and this is how you repay me?

[dvrthleeds]

texts: ned/mary-jane ( accidental ).

Mary-Jane: ... wait, this is so the wrong number. oh my goshh. i'm going to die.

Mary-Jane: ... You think i'm beautiful?

Mary-Jane: nevermind, this is totally the right number because you're sweet. fuck the douchebag it was meant for lmao he's annoying for the most part.

Mary-Jane: what's your name, sweetie? i'm mj.

Ned: no, don't die. it's fine. i'm not going to like, share it or anything. i'm not like that, and again...yeeted out of the apartment window.

Ned: yeah, i mean, it's gross to say but like...your body's beautiful. i bet your face is better though.

Ned: leeds, ned leeds. -sunglasses emoji-

[dvrthleeds]

text to peter.

Peter: it feels like i never left right now, jesus christ. you're still so weird, bro.

Peter: but oh my god. maybe a wrong number? unless you're putting your number on bathroom door stalls.

Peter: it's what you deserve after laughing at me that time i cracked one of my eye lenses when i hit that tree.

Ned: lmao good.

Ned: BUT SERIOUSLY I HAVE NO IDEA. I DID THAT ONCE. SHUT UP. I NEEDED A DATE TO HOMECOMING UNTIL MJ THREATENED ME IF I DIDN'T TAKE HER.

Ned: wait, okay it was a wrong number but she still wants to talk to me.

Ned: lmao she just hasn't seen me yet then she'll be like "lol g2g".

Ned: that was so funny. shut up.

[dvrthleeds]

text to peter.

Ned: -SS of that text-

Ned: DUDE.

Ned: this never happens to me holy shit.

Ned: who even is this girl?

Ned: also i see why you disabled brie's texts through karen a while back.

Ned: i dropped my phone.

Ned: my case is cracked.

Ned: this is obviously either a prank or i'm being catfished like that episode of glee.

[dvrthleeds]

texts: ned/mary-jane ( accidental ).

Mary-Jane: -picture text-

Mary-Jane: Do I look cute? ;')

Ned: holy shit.

Ned: sorry, that was disrespectful. my mom would literally yeet me out of our apartment window.

Ned: you're beautiful wow.

Ned: i do not deserve.