fate reminded me I'm Ray Palmer

independent multi-fandom roleplay blog selective & low activity; canon-based & canon-divergent.

[dwarfstaralloy]

this is a low activity, very selective blog. if we’re mutuals, know that i am always interested in writing with you!

quick things to note before we RP:

i sometimes go for a while before coming on here.

if i’m not on here, you can find me on my multi or on bonnie bennett.

a lot of my writing will be done on the mobile app so please expect simple formatting and no images on responses.

please read my rules before interacting.

check out my about for differences with canon, and my headcanon tag for more.

please do not start threads if we have not discussed it before hand.

[dwarfstaralloy]

His pout may be extremely, extremely exaggerated. "Aw," he drags out in a whine that is definitely hiding a laugh. Because John? John snorted, and Ray is taking this as a success. "But that was always my favourite part of magic shows as a kid!"

[takeitinandletitgo]

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" He smiled, despite himself, his attention drifting back to the book in front of him for just a moment before he looked back at Ray, studying him for a moment. "What's got you asking that question, love?"

[dwarfstaralloy]

The shrug he gives John is slight, eyes slightly crinkled at the corners as he keeps a smile playing on his lips. "I was curious." Ray remains honest, for all that he's here to distract John from whatever's got him down. "I'm a science guy, we all know this, but magic's fascinating. Kind of want to know what's possible, what makes it work - all of it."

[dwarfstaralloy]

@secretswritten | from here.

There was a grin on his face that should not have been there, but Ray couldn't help it. "Aww." It was practically a coo, and he would blame it on the blood loss. "You do care." He winced as Leonard pressed down on the wound, his own shaky hand - covered in his own blood - resting on top of the other man's. Voice dropping softer, he murmured, "It's okay, you know. Died before. World kept spinning." Ray regretted his shrug as soon as he did it, another pained wince crossing his face.

[dwarfstaralloy]

The wires in his hand are lax as he keeps staring at her, mouth agape. She does not say it again, and Ray's half convinced that he imagined the worlds - I love you, as if it is the most obvious thing in the world - because it wouldn't be the first time his hopes and heart get ahead of him. There's a chance she means it platonically, if she did in fact say the words, and Ray will take it for as long as she's not tired of him. He drops his gaze to the wires and carefully puts them down. She's right that he could get hurt, but really, nothing could ever hurt more than his bruised and battered heart that keeps falling for people that never feel the same. Or at least for long. He always becomes too much, too him for them to stay for.

"Why -" He clears his throat, curling trembling fingers around the edge of the table to do something with his hands. "Why say - say that?" Ray's voice abruptly drops to a whisper, unable to keep his pain to himself. He's usually better at this but this is Maeve, and it will hurt all the worse when she inevitably realises he's - him. "Nobody ever means that in the long run."

[lookedinfinite]

surely he knows. they're so in sync, so similar, that surely despite his worries and issues... he knows maeve would never lie to him. they both have that loss within them - that view of themselves where they might as well be made of ricepaper. there in other's lives until the right storm, then left as little more than a memory. "are you really telling me I'm like everyone else?" she teases gently, soft gaze staying on him, still stewing on the answer she truly wants to give.

"because it's true. and you clearly needed to hear it." maeve isn't one for simply throwing words around, not when silence generally is much easier for her. brunette doesn't imagine herself as a permanent thing, not even to him, not even with how much he might deny being able to simply move on from her like others have. but right now that doesn't matter: "it's okay, breathe. it's string free. I just thought you needed the reminder." still she gently reaches, moving wires away so he might not start fiddling with them again in his distraction. "you good? you look like I just killed a family of four."

[dwarfstaralloy]

Because it's true rings in his ears as he continues to stare at Maeve blankly. It is a good thing he's put the wires down, and just as good he's holding on to the table as tightly as he is. The edge pressing into his palm - almost cutting in - keeps him grounded. Reminds him this is real and not a dream. Not his hopes and his heart running ahead of him as they always do. "What if I don't want string free?" The words come out strained and shaky but not soft. They land almost too loud for Ray, and he barely keeps himself from flinching back.

She could still mean it platonically. He could still be messing things up between them - could be chasing her away the way he always does because he falls too fast, too hard and comes on too strong. Because at the end of the day, Ray's too much for people. Too much energy and affection, too much desperation, too much effort to keep up with and manage -

He's just too much and if Maeve hasn't realised it before, she will now.

[dwarfstaralloy]

It was some time before Maeve seemed to really look at him. The distance in her eyes worried him though he tried to keep it at bay, tried to keep a soft stream of words - mostly nonsensical reassurances when they both knew the costs they paid to survive. Or mostly survive. Ray wasn't entirely sure either of them came out of this unscathed, but they were alive.

More importantly to him, they were together.

"Of course." His words were a breath, soft and - and relieved. He knew she could hear that. Ray was not sure he'd rest easy if she were not within arm's length. Ray was not sure he'd rest at all, but at least if she were next to him he could calm his racing heart by being able to see her. The fear, the anger, the agony of what they'd endured was behind a numb immediacy, but if he were alone - Ray knows it would hit him all at once. What had happened, what he'd done, the regret he did not feel - it would threaten to swallow him whole and he did not want that.

Maeve needed him, and Ray needed to be needed. It centered him, grounded him and made him feel useful. If he was not useful, then he was a liability. If he was a liability, then Maeve could get hurt. Again. He could lose her, for real this time.

Ray wasn't sure he would survive that.

He wasn't sure he wanted to.

[lookedinfinite]

maybe it'd be easier if they were less alike - if they weren't so terribly on the same page. he doesn't just see the hurt that fills her, and she feels what he does in her own way. there's so much they need to discuss, so much they need to work through. yet all she can focus on is the desperate need to keep him near - have his grounding effect remind her that she's back, she's okay, that they're both alive.

his reassurance might as well be a vow, when has she ever needed to doubt anything he says?

he never lied to her, she didn't lie to him. it's the foundation of their bond, isn't it? even if they aren't always forthcoming, even if they're not always open. they're still there for each other with a genuineness that can't be forced or faked... despite their constant efforts to learn how to feel secure in own existences. her throat still burns too much to talk much, to gather any needed words, and all of her is too exhausted to even consider signing. it would require knowing what she feels - knowing what she wants him to know. but it's just exhaustion and guilt, both overwhelming in equal measure.

instead she squeezes his hand, leans into it a little. 

so, she mumbles the only thing she can, "you look tired."

[dwarfstaralloy]

She did not pull away. That in itself was telling. Maeve was one of the strongest people he knew - and more guarded than he was, which said much. Ray knew she trusted him, but even then they were both of them a little more broken than they liked to show the world. Even each other, for all that there were no lies between them.

His smile was a wan one, but no less genuine for it. "So do you." He remained as soft as she did. Stayed as close as she did. Letting go of her hand was not an option, not when the fear lingered.

Ray had almost lost her. He'd been too late for Anna, helpless when Len took his place, hadn't been there when Tommy and when Laurel died - he kept losing people -

With a sigh, he leaned closer towards her and rested his forehead against hers gently for a moment. Again, he kept his voice to a murmur. "Want to go sit in a bed somewhere and pretend we'll be able to sleep without nightmares?" There was amusement in the sardonic notes of his words.

[dwarfstaralloy]

i did ray drafts after god knows how long. just a few. but it was nice trying to get back into writing him!

[talesfromopenpages]

Draft2Digital, the platform I've been using to format and distribute my e-books - one that was helpful and convenient and affordable - recently added a maintenance fee for users. Now, this would not be such a huge problem if a) this were communicated before roll out, at least so we wouldn't be blindsided, and b) the costs took into account the users themselves. So many of us are primarily indie authors from countries outside of the US, and it honestly seems as if D2D does not care about that.

So I have decided to delete my account with that. Which also was more difficult to do than simply finding a 'Deactivate Account' button. One has to email them to get their account deleted, and then wait for a reply to confirm. (The reply I got asked me if I was certain, gave me the option of delisting my books so I wouldn't need to pay an activation fee if I ever decided to resign up. No thank you, D2D!)

I used the word “predatory” in my email to D2D to cancel my account to them, and I stand by it. It certainly seems that way when the platform is choosing to penalise those of us making under a certain amount - already struggling to sell our books - and not those authors who are selling their books well. It feels almost targeted to smaller authors, to possibly already marginalised authors, and for those of us living in countries where conversion rates mean the $12 maintenance fee amounts to more than, it can even be dangerous.

Maybe D2D will change their mind if too many of the writers using their platforms reach out. They did about their AI stance, after all. But if and until they do, I will not be using the platform. I have my account and with that, my books will no longer be distributed to the e-retailers that work with D2D. Even after they change their stance (if they do), I may not get back on the platform. The trust is gone for me.

Until then, my books are available on Ko-fi. I am looking at putting them up on Itch.Io as well, a few friends have spoken well of the platform - I made an account last week to get a feel of it - and I'll be looking into how else I can get my books back on the major e-retailers.

This has been a disappointing turn of events but I am taking steps to figure out where I go from here and I know many other authors are too. I hope you'll stick with us as we do.

And if anybody has any recommendations for other platforms similar to D2D for distribution or formatting, or both, please do let me know.

Cheers, Ara

[dwarfstaralloy]

i've cut down on the number of my drafts on my other blogs quite significantly so i think - i hope - i'll be able to slowly chip away at the ones i have here!

[littlebennettbitch]

     when you abuse magic,                there’s always a price.

canon-divergent bonnie bennett. indie. private. selective. as written by ara.

[writelikeyouarerunningoutof]

     write me well, my love,           write me weird.

indie. private. selective. canon & ocs multimuse. as written by ara.

[dwarfstaralloy]

     There is no bravery           without fear.

canon-divergent ray palmer. indie. private. selective. as written by ara.

[dwarfstaralloy]

(no i'm not back here yet, still struggling with Ray muse but i just needed to put this out here - )

this is not and never will be a Nora Darhk/Ray Palmer blog. ship and let ship and all of that, I just will personally never be able to get into Ray marrying the daughter of a man who captured (and tortured, as implied) him for months on an end.

[littlebennettbitch]

clearly i've gotten nothing done. it's really been just. kind of busy irl. i'm a lot more active on discord and with my original and ffxiv stuff (and i miss writing these muses a lot since i haven't been for a bit). feel free to reach out if you want to write on discord instead, i'll hopefully sign into my tumblr accounts on the ffxiv computer (shared computer) so that i can do that while playing lmao.

[littlebennettbitch]

came back online today to find out firefox had a) signed me out and b) updated so my containers were gone. no, i have done zero replies. i WILL get to them at the end of the month, i'm going to be out of town next week without my computer.

[writelikeyouarerunningoutof]

i swear i haven't forgotten my tumblr RP blogs exist, i've just been distracted (and things have been Hectic irl with family health stuff) i WILL do responses i owe before the end of the month (i say as if i'm not leaving my computer home when i go wedding shopping with my sister).

[writelikeyouarerunningoutof]

why yes i did once again disappear for a bit after saying i would be doing drafts. i will HOPEFULLY be doing most drafts during this, my birthday month, as a treat. hold me accountable.

[littlebennettbitch]

so i haven't been online in a bit - been in and out of town, gotten distracted by FFXIV and also a Shiny New Project, and then I was hospitalised for a couple of days because food poisoning, but fingers crossed i'll be getting to drafts on the blogs soon.