dearly beloved,

my online diary

[dying4urlove]

my “about me” page for this blog can be found here!

[dying4urlove]

my archive can be found here!

[dying4urlove]

Maybe I kept settling for bullshit because I thought I’d never have a relationship with a man this handsome and mildly kind again? Even through all the pull aways, the look arounds, the subtle gestures of embarrassment that I tried to ignore. I deserve more than to feel like the person that I am with would rather be somewhere else.

[lullabiesinaglasswilderness]

[dying4urlove]

Cried my eyes out over the last few days and now I am reading up on Motivational Interviewing and a program in Social Work. The calm after the storm

[artemisiasea]

I want to keep living my life as a continual preparation of trust that the very next moment could be absolutely divine and astonishing. What’s that saying… destiny favors the prepared… I often come back to the question of if my wildest dreams came true tomorrow, what would I have to do today to be able to receive and live them? What state would I need to embody? I’m also often reminded of Florence Scovel Shinn saying, “One’s ships come in over a calm sea.”

[drunkwhenimadethis]

I really feel like we should be trying to impress ourselves every day like I might just be saying this as a Sun/Venus in 1st house bitch but I literally start to wither away when I’m not impressed with what I’m doing and who I’m being and what is possessing my vision like it gives me the ick. It icks me out to be distracted and basic. My only goal this summer is to keep my word to myself. I’m so happy spoiling myself with my own attention

[dying4urlove]

Continuing to feel so much. I have been crying or on the verge of doing so all day. I don’t want to talk to anyone or go anywhere or work at this job that stresses me out. I haven’t heard from D at all today, but I am not surprised. I regret how I handled the situation in such an immature manner. I hate that I blocked him without a word (again). However, I also feel that it is necessary for us to take some space from each other.

Being with him again has shown me that I struggle immensely with long-distance. How gratified I felt to be able to smell him, feel the firmness of his skin, receive his kisses and hugs and love bites. To be fucked by him over and over. To taste him and see his reaction to my sexual creativity. To hear his voice and watch soccer with him and snuggle and be close to him. That is all I want to do and I can’t do it except for once every however many months and that is so difficult for me. I wish things were different.

And yet I think about how many times another woman has appeared in his space when I am with him without fail. I don’t even think I care much about sharing him, but I want more of him and I can’t have him the way I want him. Who would have thought SZA was onto something?

[dying4urlove]

Entering another era of heartbreak! This time, it is on me. I feel complex emotions about it on top of everything else I have going on. I want to cry, I feel lonely. I feel like this is the right thing to do, but I also want him to come to me one more time. I feel regret about what I did to cut it off. It is so hard to feel, to be human.

[dying4urlove]

I am here and it doesn’t make a difference. What a shit feeling

[dying4urlove]

I feel angry, so angry I can’t even sleep! You don’t care about me at all. You are a liar and all you do is lie to me. You tell me you’ll come back later and you don’t. You did the same thing to me today that you did when I first met you and I should have known from then to never ever ever let you close to me. You let me pay for our brunch. You ignore me during sex when I indicate to you that I’m uncomfortable. Another woman texts your phone and I ask you about it because there’s no way you can fucking lie to me about it when we both saw the same thing and still you brush it off it like I am crazy and don’t know what’s what. You know I’m upset or uncomfortable about something, so you try to smother me with sweet words and sweet kisses and sweet licks, but none of matters to me. Because you don’t care about me at all and I finally realize it. It’s always and all about you. I am angry because I want to cry when I think about all of this and how I am sitting with all of this alone. I came all this way and I’m leaving soon and you can’t even give me a little bit of your time. You fucking liar, cheater, inconsiderate, selfish man. I want to cry because even feeling of all of this, I still want to spend my last days in your state with you.

[dying4urlove]

I fight for my life in the gym so I can walk stably and therefore confidently in heels

[dying4urlove]

Meditation is the key to inner peace. Genuinely

[naked-yogi]

a woman’s moan is the origin of the universe

[dying4urlove]

Struggling with a lot right now and it is trickling down to my relationship with food (as it often does). I feel like I have been so stressed but passively so in that I am avoiding the stressful things that are not directly impacting me on a daily basis, but the time is winding down. I want to move, but I want to stay because my family is here and I want to spend time with them and I feel like there is more of Miami that I need to see. I need a job but I am not hearing back from any of the places that I have applied to besides one that rejected me. I am snacking more and eating outside of my normal eating hours. I have finally gotten out of the 140s but it feels like with the way that I have been eating, I will return there shortly and that is discouraging. I feel less disciplined than lately and I want to enjoy my summer not worrying about what my body looks like or what I’m eating because I am starting a new academic program in August and I will have to adjust to that. I feel like I have been so closed off and moody. I just want to be at ease.

But.. I am also thinking that there is no rush for me to move in August. I can move after August. I still have savings. I can find a new job while I’m getting adjusted to school. The only person rushing me is me. Time isn’t real, it is made up so why not bend it to your will?

[dying4urlove]

miss moody

[nosimpincurly]

[ruesdeluxe]