or was this sleep
I wished to never wake from
I though with time this feeling would be buried and gone forever
But forever is not enough.
Wake up from a nightmare like birth
Out of control and required for survival.
For brief moment its that primal child like fear
Of the dark
The unknown
The sense of loss.
That feeling of logic and sense dropped at the gates wall.
Open are through the walls is where I hide and stand stand alone with fear that I will return.
That feeling that all your work will be undone.
The feeling of progress lost.
Dare to face danger in the eye
That feeling that you will fight to last breath.
Take and throw your being to sacrifice salvation in comfort.
But was it worth it to share your vulnerability
To show how close you are by sharing kindness we dance like fools without a care.
To feel the words of the heart bleed through for desire to feel warmth.
But through shared experience we hold each other through darkness.
As time ages me I mature not with wisdom but with empathy.
You deny saying you felt something.
Yet your words sing about your fear.
The fear of getting hurt.
That fear of trusting the unknown.
Unmet
Imagination
Stranger.
Yet those I hold dear to the foundation are speaking in a foreign tongue.
Unable to full understand the depth of how close you were from broken.
The scares run deep into your bones.
The pieces that hold me together are old.
They need to be replaced.
But like ageing technology your purpose you use to serve has been outsourced.
Your youth to experiment like flame drowning in the sleep deprived reality.
I hold my breath and count to 3.
Two
Your tired. Get some sleep
If you say whats really happening you will drown in procedure.
I bury this experience and try to create food from this mess.
Nourishment through rich raw experience.
But foundations remember when I cracked.
They only seek and find guidance through a system.
A system created to classify you as box.
But only I have the power to change.
Despite experience of feeling nothing out of requirement.
The science isn't there to help you.
Its there to make you predictable.
To look like something to classify as statistic.
But science can't explain everything.
Why do we try to run away from death like we are gods.
Why do we dare to be surrounded in money and comfort and say i'm happy.
Have I felt rush of falling with someone there to catch me.
But its all dream
or nightmare I wake up to.
Although not a man of god the patterns of feeling magic still lingers.
With all the numbers, theories and plans I am still flesh.
Working through your library of memories I see meaning.
Meaning to create purpose.
That feeling of raw sugar playing to my bodies senses.
A feeling of unpredictability.
A wish to dispose of my hear to never loss this feeling.
And yet with everything it fades.
Like my breath as I drift again.
Died holding a message to pass to the world.
To pass that journey to not fall through the cracks.
But falling gives you strength to pick your self up and try again.
A death rattle roars in my bones.
Like my ancestors trying to communicate to me.
Logically I believe in nothing.
Primarily I feel the grip of control choke the sense of daylight out of me.
All I can do is create with my two hands and build.
Myself
My future.
My worth.
I cannot deny that what I did was rude.
Childish.
Rash.
But when I hold back like holding back:
A sneeze
A cough
A blink.
I hurt you cause I wanna try to build you from the essentials.
Love. Compassion. Empathy.
But these are fruits are to exotic for me to pay for.
The currency I hold does not convert.
I holds a vault of knowledge.
Not a treasure of social awareness.
I play and learn the language that understands you.
A nail pieces the skin exposing the raw.
But as it drives deep into my ability to control.
I remember it hurts you say this as much as it does for me to feel.
To admit more could be said but doesn't.
But silently uphold your progress as we move our separate ways.
It was only a night of vulnerability.
But a lifetime of experience.
I thu'm into night of mind to fight back to loss of hope.
To use the fear as a sword to cut through expectation.
To do so that I can carry a message of hope.
So i can share day thu'um together.
To push light into the night.
To create purpose in hearts.
To bring life into a world that is hypnotised.
