DysphoricDays-NervousNights

| MtF | Grey Ace | SAD | Paranoia | Anxiety | Eating Disorder |

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

I’m tired of feeling so fucking dirty.  I just want to feel clean for once.  I just want to be clean but I cant wash it off because its under the skin .

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

i literally just want to fucking die right now

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

Me : Oh hey, there’s a few hairs between my eyebrows I should probably sh- Brain : LITERALLY JUST SHAVE YOUR ENTIRE BODY BE SMOOTH FEEL CLEAN RIP YOUR GENITALS OFF JUST RIP YOUR SKIN OFF WHILE YOURE AT IT YOU DONT DESERVE IT YOU FAT FUCK ALSO WHY DONT YOU JUST DIE TOO CUZ YOURE NEVER GONNA BE ANYTHING Me : Okay there buckaroo calm down-

Brain : I WILL NOT BE SILENCED

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

When every single source of excitement causes a sexual urge cuz your body never figured out what its own sex is much less how to deal with sex in general.

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

Teacher : Okay, you’re going to right an essay about your childhood.  It can be anything, your crushes, your friends, anything at all. Me, with an entirely repressed past : My what now?

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

“And if I die today I'll be the happy phantom And I'll go chasin' the nuns out in the yard And I'll run naked through the streets without my mask on And I will never need umbrellas in the rain”

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

I think the worst thing about being grey ace is just how little you understand what’s sexual or not, and wanting to reach out to people and talk to them but being afraid of being taken sexually.  It’s like “Is touching your shoulder a bfgf thing?  What about accidentally touching your leg?  If I nudge your arm will you get angry?”

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

Cashier : That’ll be $5 Me 60% : Sorry what I was too busy emotionally distancing myself from the noise. Me 20% : Take the money and leave me alone please I cant handle you. Me 19% : Why am I even buying stuff I might die and other people will have to move more shit I should just never eat again to save space. Me 1% : Okay, here ya go.

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

Adults :I used to freak out too when I was younger, but that stuff was all meaningless. Me : Haha yeah I guess it might be. Paranoia&Anxiety : Did you say there are bigger things holy ffuck where when and how oh my god we’re not going to survive this abandon ship we cant deal with this holy fucking shit we’re gonna die Me : Launches into existential crisis

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

Me : I feel good for once.  What could ruin this? Mirror : I’m Noise : So Dysphoria : Glad SAD : You Anxiety : Asked Repression : Us Me : :::::)))))

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

When you want to listen to calmer, nicer, prettier bands like Tori Amos and Regina Spektor to calm down but they trigger your dysphoria so instead you listen to other bands but they agitate you even more.

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

Don’t you love it when you can literally google any Mental Disorder quiz or questionnaire and find yourself ranking positive for it?

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

I love the fact that I can’t bring myself to cut but that my brains 100% fine with me slapping my face until I’m dizzy.  Little logical fallacies like that just make me smile and realize “Wow is my brain fucking retarded.”

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

! When ! You’re ! Normally ! A ! Calm ! Person ! But ! Something ! Causes ! You ! To ! Snap ! So ! Hard ! You ! Become ! Afraid ! Of ! Yourself ! And ! Want ! To ! Hide ! But ! You ! Cant !

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

Don’t you love that fucking voice in your head that only speaks after your friends haven’t texted back in .3 milliseconds and just shouts derogative stuff at you, and how your friends are probably happier ignoring you and your bullshit issues?

[dysphoricdaysnervousnights]

The only reason I haven’t castrated myself yet is because you need a penis for bottom surgery.  Otherwise that fucker’d be gone faster than you could say “Wait why do you have scissors?”.