Hi, self.
Was having the feeling of being drained since.. since forever? I did not know I would be experiencing anxieties, a wide range of anxieties just because of the people around me.
This is the time when I all I could wish for was a reset button.
I happen to scroll a quote in my newsfeed, saying:
“kailan mo huling nakita
ang sarili mo na masaya?
- yung puro at tunay,
yung hindi huwad
hindi yung nakangiti ka
pero sa loob mo
nalulunod ka na pala sa luha.
Kailan?”
And I immediately read the comments and there are so many people that are trying to get by in life. And a lot of people are unhappy.
Then since I was feeling so down these past few months, I got to ask myself, “Kailan nga ba?”
I know, its too cliché to ask this kind, for some this is too petty to answer or too boring telling me that there are too many reasons to be happy.
Whenever I embrace myself to God’s word, I get the relief of being hold back from my sadness. The comfort is supernatural. Also, my heart was praying, Lord, please end this suffering and let us have your promised Kingdom, please.
I taught in one of our fellowships last Wednesday, November 3, 2021. I thought about love. What is love, how to love, how to live with love. And its never easy to follow.
Why?
Because people around me do not have the same foundation I have for love.
Sometimes I get myself so overdramatic and find myself comparing myself to them, asking, bakit sila ganito, sabi sila ang iglesia, or bakit sya ganyan, pagkatapos nya akong sabihan ng mga ganitong salita, while I was here trying to live my life the most loving way.
I guess I’m too exhausted giving myself and does not receive the love I wanted to feel. Sobra. Nakakapagod yung pakiramdam. Maybe this is the main reason my I’m overly demotivated. I can’t see any directions with my life.
I’m sad, that I can’t have the liberty to dream my own perfect wedding, coz surely, my mother will never attend.
Secondly, I can’t be the reason of someone failing to believe in life.
I seriously just wanted to put up my own business, alone, or should I say, I wanted to be alone. I wanted them to feel my absence. I am needing the feeling of being important. Am I important? Why do I feel that I wanted to be alone?
Pagod ako. Pagod ako because I wanted to be reciprocated. Or maybe I am not loving at all. I do not know how to love at all because I am exhausted.
Kailan ba ako magiging masaya.










