I'm lying down on the same bed in the same room— differently decorated now, but it doesn't feel any different.
I'm 19.
It doesn't feel any different from 17.
or 15.
or 13.
but I'm 19.
I'm an adult now right? My life is in my own hands now. I can do what I want. Be who I want.
It doesn't feel any different.
I'm 19.
Nothing is the same. Not my clothes, not my face, not my hair or my body.
It doesn't feel any different.
I'm 19.
When will it feel like it? When will it stop feeling like I was just born? When will I stop gasping at the air, sorely new to the light and the breeze?
genderfluid but not in a "is it a girl day or boy day today" way but in a "my soul has lived here for too long. the doorframes are chipped and the walls are sun-faded; the wood rots and the nails rust. this house was once home but today it is no longer. will I ever be back? maybe one day. but come tomorrow this place is dead to me." on a random wednesday and then chopping all my hair off way
So I've been reading CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker as of late and he talks about the CPTSD Inner Critic to be like an incessant shitty coach you have to fire. He likens the correction of negative self-talk to establishing new, healthier "coaches".
As one does, I have made an animatic of myself telling this Inner Critic "no" in rage and firing them, introducing a new set of coaches.
More about my CPTSD recovery below.
In my early life, my parents have neglected and emotionally & physically abused me. As such, I've developed abandonment depression, unhealthy attachment, toxic shame, and I was conditioned to have an insistent Inner Critic that mirrored my parents' contempt and disgust with me.
I realized this in my adolescence. Grieved what I was deprived of, improved my relationship skills. But that only scratched the surface.
In reality, the trauma ran so far deep that it was affecting my very subconscious and the natural way I react and respond to the world. In my teenage arrogance, I thought I had it "all figured out ", but it's put my future, my career, my connections and relationships, my very way of functioning in jeopardy. Point blank, I was an irrational, unreasonable whirlwind of a person. It was only when every aspect of my life reached an excruciating boiling point at the same time [as a consequence of my own misbehaviors and irrational decisions] that it truly sunk in how deeply the trauma ran.
So I had to lock the fuck in. Really dig deep into this trauma and work it out. For the ones I love. For me.
But how do I even achieve this? I live in a third-world country, a pastor's daughter, Filipino. I have no easy access to professional support, nor do I have the support to find such a thing.
So I turned to the internet. To books and online communities. The Kindle my dad so unceremoniously passed down to me became a lifeline and a saving grace. The copious amounts of time I have due to being unemployed and not enrolled gave me the space to focus and intensively work through my trauma.
It's hard, I'll admit. Especially considering that I still live with the very people who wronged me. It's lonely. It's constant vigilance, unending correction, hours of reading and writing and typing to pick myself apart. I've only just started and it feels like a Sisyphean task. But I know it'll be worth it. In fact, it already is.
If anyone wants to know what books I would recommend:
I Used To Be A Miserable F*ck by John Kim. Intended towards men who were raised in toxic, hegemonic ideals of masculinity, it still applies so heavily to CPTSD victims. After all, boys tend to be neglected more than girls as children and Kim recognizes that. It taught me a lot about accountability, giving one's self grace, and growing emotionally and relationally as a person, all packaged in an easy-to-read, heartfelt, and relatable package.
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. Though I have not yet read the book in its entirety, its section on how to effectively deal with emotional blackmail resonates with me deeply, especially since I experience emotional blackmail regularly from living with my parents. It addresses the "fawn" reaction that victims have, and the low-self esteem and self-abandonment that it sprouts from. Forward's analysis of emotional blackmailers and their victims, and her program for recovery is effective and leaves a lasting impression.
CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. I'm only halfway through this book, but so far this has been my saving grace. Walker thoroughly discusses the causes of CPTSD and the resulting condition, and then walks the reader through very comprehensive and organized steps towards recovery. It's easy to understand and is consequently highly accessible, even for those very early on in recovery.
The guidance of these books have been priceless. If you do end up reading them, please do so eagerly and with an open heart and mind, and follow through with the advice within them even if it feels silly or inconsequential. I promise, it helps. The journaling, the meditation, the self-examination, the internal dialogues, the exercises. If not for recovery's sake, try to at least humor the writers. You may find it helpful.
That aside though, for anyone with CPTSD who has read this far:
Recovery is worth it. The peace it will bring will be so, so sweet. If you're suffering from the shame, anxiety, and dread, I feel you. I'm with you. It's difficult to live this way and it's sickeningly tempting to escape it, however you may. But choosing to face it in the face of that fear is going the be the best, most courageous, most loving decision you can make for yourself and for your connections and relationships. I promise.
genderfluid but not in a "is it a girl day or boy day today" way but in a "my soul has lived here for too long. the doorframes are chipped and the walls are sun-faded; the wood rots and the nails rust. this house was once home but today it is no longer. will I ever be back? maybe one day. but come tomorrow this place is dead to me." on a random wednesday and then chopping all my hair off way
random thing but I noticed that "pookie" has sorta become a relationship of its own in this day and age. it could mean anyone you have a particular, special fondness for regardless of the nature of the relationship and personally I think that's a win for aroaces
I'm lying down on the same bed in the same room— differently decorated now, but it doesn't feel any different.
I'm 19.
It doesn't feel any different from 17.
or 15.
or 13.
but I'm 19.
I'm an adult now right? My life is in my own hands now. I can do what I want. Be who I want.
It doesn't feel any different.
I'm 19.
Nothing is the same. Not my clothes, not my face, not my hair or my body.
It doesn't feel any different.
I'm 19.
When will it feel like it? When will it stop feeling like I was just born? When will I stop gasping at the air, sorely new to the light and the breeze?
If you mention your job to a stranger, how likely are they to get interested and ask questions? 1 would be like a grocery store cashier and 10 would be like a stunt double
NEVER be vulnerable. FLUSH your medication down the toilet. LIE when people ask how you’re doing. SUPPRESS your feelings. ALWAYS be irritable and abrasive. MAKE SURE you push away anyone who’s close to you. CANCEL your therapy appointment.
Ok but like. What the fuck is there to do on the internet anymore?
Idk when I was younger, you could just go and go and find exciting new websites full of whatever cool things you wanted to explore. An overabundance of ways to occupy your time online.
Now, it’s just… Social media. That’s it. Social media and news sites. And I’m tired of social media and I’m tired of the news.
Am I just like completely inept at finding new things or has the internet just fallen apart that much with the problems of SEO and web 3.0 turning everything into a same-site prison?
ALSO you should consider browsing Virtual Pet List and seeing if there are any pet sites you might be interested in playing. There is a whole genre of browser games right under your nose
Getting off of twitter and onto neocities has really healed me and I am so glad to see it is healing other people too ;u; let’s retreat into the self-made digital woods and away from corporate bs pls, I am so tired
have you ever read fanfics that are better written than some original novels?
I have
I have never
I don’t read fanfics
Voting ended onJun 15, 2024
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going to comment a little on this game: the overseeing voice talks as if it owns you, and defies your free will. if you follow its orders, you are praised, and the worldview becomes sharper and more detailed. if you don’t, you are chastised, and the world becomes more vague and difficult to navigate, but also more colourful and loud. it’s odd, and sort of eerie, but definitely interesting. take it as you will.
This game really unsettles me. It unsttles me that my first choice to obey, and when I played again and disobeyed, I got really emotional really fast. Failure hurt me more the more I disobeyed. It was… interesting to experience.
holy shit. i reblogged this the first time without playing. then i played in and it is terrifying. i very much like this, but it will give you intense feelings.
you obey everything the game tells you too, even jumping into barbs and basically killing yourself. if you dont youre chastised and even the scolding is terrifying
So, essentially, it’s a game that illustrates what it’s like to be in an abusive parents or an abusive relationship - and how it affects you emotionally. That is horrific and ingenious - the next time someone negates the affects of emotional abuse, I’ll take them to this game and let them come to their own conclusions.
This game absolutely gets it. The most solid and reliable degradation is a gendered insult. The more you obey and co-operate, the better understanding you seem to have of your word, and things seem easier. But what really gets me is the contradiction. You are not allowed to have the correct answer. Are you a boy or a girl? The answer is no, I will give you the answer. even towards the end, your “praise” is “no, I will give you the answer. You earned this answer, but it is given to you by me.” Disobeying makes the world frightening and confusing and difficult, but beautiful in a world devoid of flavour.
areudirty
jbbartram-illu
kianamaiart
snowghoul
yousharknotpass
blakekathryn
