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@eatsleeplovemycatrepeat
I finally left the abusive relationship. Finally said “no more” to the emotional, mental and physical pain that I was enduring on an almost constant basis.
No more hiding the bruises and making up stories when people saw them.
No more being told I am worthless and believing it.
No more feeling I deserved it.
No more mind games.
No more living on a leash.
He can’t hurt me now. I am safe. I am free. I am worth more than this.
Time to grow. 🌱
Today is day one on my new anti-depressants after 5 months of ongoing therapy. Please let it be only up from here.
I’ve been in a depressive episode for weeks and I can’t shake it. I’m lethargic, feel absolutely hopeless and disgusting. Things are dark and everything feels like it’s falling apart. I just want to feel okay.
I rewatched her snap story over and over and over again, just to get a glimpse of you in the present. To see you. I should be there with you, but I’m not and I never will be. God I’m fucking pathetic. God I fucking miss you.
I’m sorry for all of things I say on here. I’m sorry if they make you uncomfortable. I know you’re happy and you’ve been with someone else for almost a year. It’s just so fucking hard for me every single day and I have no one to talk to about it. This is the only platform I have to share how I’m feeling about it that is private to me. Keeping it inside is eating me alive.
God the dreams feel so real. I still see you exactly. Every last detail of your face, your body stature, your hands... Reaching out to touch you felt so real, it always does. These dreams rip through my heart like a hot knife, I used to want them to stop happening because of the pain I feel when I wake up. But now... I’ve realized it’s all I have left of you. The only way I can talk to you again. I don’t want to forget the way your face looks, the small details about you. Your dimples, the way you sort of smirk to the side when you’re being playful. The scar on your neck from the hot piece of metal that hit you at work. The pain of waking up without you is worth the brief moments of getting to see you and talk to you in my dreams, a 1000x over.
At work procrastinating looking for all inclusive vacations to Mexico. The Krystal Cancun pops up and I know I shouldn’t look but I do anyways. Almost instant anxiety attack.
I don’t remember a lot of that trip, but I remember you. I remember spending almost my entire trip falling inlove with you.
Nothing has or ever will be as easy as it was to fall inlove with you.
That trip changed my life forever. You changed my life forever.
A dream I had - 6.18.19
If I could have one wish without limits, I wouldn’t wish for money. Or materials. There are so many things I could wish for, and although it may sound selfish, if I had that one wish I would go back and do it again with you knowing what I know now. From the beginning. Get to know that I came back and got another chance. Knowing the regret I would have. Knowing the mistakes I would make that would cost me everything so that I could not make them. Knowing the pain and the hole that would forever be burned into me. The little things wouldn’t matter. I would show you how much I loved you every day. Be your partner instead of treating you like the bad guy. Give you my all. Take care of myself. Take care of you. Take care of us. Build my future and our future. I would do it right. With no hesitation that would be my wish. 1000 times over. You will always be my what if. Losing you and hurting you will always be my biggest regret.
I don’t fucking deserve this
It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing there is no cure for my disorder. There is no finish line. The only choice is let is consume me or constant self-work for the rest of my life. Who wants to be with that? Who wants to spend a life knowing they’ll always have to be reassuring, patient, and understanding even though they don’t understand. Who wants that as a wife. Who wants that as the mother of their children. Who wants that burden. I understand why it never works out with anyone. I’m self destructive. I’m hard to love and I’m hard to care for. No one should have to live with that.
The person I threw everything away for turned around and cheated on me. I deserved that. Then you came into my life and I thought maybe karma has been paid, maybe I get to be happy. But I don’t. You break me down. Gaslight me. Cheat on me and then convince me that I’m the bad person and that you only do it so that I know how you feel. When I wouldn’t hurt you. When I couldn’t hurt you. When I couldn’t hurt another human ever again the way I’ve hurt others and been hurt. But that doesn’t matter to you. You don’t believe me. Nothing I say, do or feel matters to you. I’m wrapped around your finger and you know that I won’t leave. You use my illness against me and I let you. You use me and I let you.
I had the chance to get out and I didn’t take it. Instead I pleaded to stay. How is that in my head I’m thinking “You need this. Take everything, run, don’t look back. Go home and recover from this. This isn’t love this is abuse.” But out loud I’m begging and pleading to not give this up. To smile and pretend that this is okay and we are okay and that I am okay. To be broken down, bruised and pushed far enough to almost make the worst decision I could. For you to scold me and break me down further instead of consoling me. And yet I still beg you not to leave me. This disorder is so unbelievably horrible. This illness will be the death of me in one way or another.
I can’t do it. I can’t fucking do it. But I can’t fucking like like this anymore. I can’t fucking do this. What the fuck am I going to do. I’m ducking selfish in everything else I do so why can’t I be selfish now
I just wrote my suicide letter
But I don’t think I can do it
You got mad at me today for not feeling like myself. For not speaking as I usually do. For not acting like I usually do. I don’t need that on days like today. I need someone to comfort me, someone to hold me and love me and tell me it’s okay to feel like this, and remind me that this feeling will pass. But that’s not what you give me. That’s never what you give me...
I’m not okay
