Loving somebody like me is such a gift and such a challenge. I have highs to the summits of the Himalayas that take you flying or floating, I soar upon the feelings that consume me, yet in the flick of an instant I can be lying on my back at the foot of the Marianas trench, staring blankly upwards, stone walling me in as high as I can see and that distant light so unattainably far from the fingers, that I can barely muster the will to twitch.
I can see a thing, that may be so inconsequential to any other person, yet to me it can be the pinnacle, at that moment, about which the Earth revolves, because that thing is so beautiful and breathtaking that I cannot even find words meaningful enough to describe it. I feel emotions with my whole being, I feel genuine, physical effects from my mental state and thought processes. This is truly a pulchritudinous gift and also a curse that can sometimes leave devastating effects. Â
I will cast my eyes upwards on a clear night, and where others see pretty stars, I will see the universe, the beauty, the power of being so small, the ultimate freedom of how tiny we are, of how little we know, I will feel the movement of the earth and of the solar system under my feet and all around me, I will feel this in the centre of my diaphragm like a fullness, an expanding feeling of joy, power, even euphoria, I will laugh and cry and spread my arms out as though to take wing into the night, head thrown back and I shall be the earth and universe and I shall be the pinnacle... and I shall be invincible.
I will wake, and I will see in my mind, my plans of the day ahead of me, plans I have made, of things I enjoy, with the horses, with people, with learning, I will look at these things planned out in my mind, and I cannot move, I cannot compel myself toward those waiting for me, I cannot move, I cannot, love, laugh, cry, I have nothing to offer. Over time, forcing activities, being on constantly, unceasing in this greyness, I become heavily fatigued, I cannot find energy, or willpower, and I know not the difference between the two any longer. I neglect those around me, I cater to every physical need, but am emotionally vacant. In this state I possess the capacity for happiness, without the ability to express it satisfactorily to those who love me. This is where these people are tested, as to whether they can see me, and all I strive and wish to be, beneath this shroud of lead.
I am a challenge to love, but I am a gift. When you have supported me, lifted me, helped me to re-surface, I will take you soaring on words and on pinnacles and on sensationalisation and romanticisation and it will be wondrous. I can fall so fast and 10 times faster than I can rise, but I swear to you, for all the depths and grey I see and feel, I can also see light and colour, and future and hope and utter boundless joy in the purest form and I can share it with you,
titsay
romaincrisis
snowghoul
janainaart
