Black Femininity Series Part Four | Dating & Romance
In romance, there are two main polarizing energies: masculine & feminine. The masculine is the pursuing energy and the feminine is the receiving energy. There are both masculine and feminine energies within every man and woman, however, there’s usually more of one than the other. For example, a feminine woman or man will have more feminine energy within them as opposed to a masculine woman or man. And vice versa. Every man and woman can decide which energy they want to lead with when it comes to dating. If a woman wants to remain in her masculine energy, then she’ll attract a feminine partner (the partner can be either gender). For this post, I’m going to continue writing this from the perspective of a feminine woman wanting a masculine man.
“…Feminine energy cannot thrive in a place where she’s forced to be the strong one.” — Seek Cindy
In part three of my femininity series, I stated: “To express your femininity, you must feel safe and secure. The foundation of femininity is security. When we feel nurtured within ourselves and our environments, we grow more confident in our self-image and femininity.”
Rachel Cargle wrote a post about the different types of securities which are listed as physical, intellectual, emotional and creative. I’m also going to add financial security to that list.
Physical security means you’re physically protected and respected.
Intellectual security means that your intelligence and reasoning are regarded and esteemed.
Emotional security means you aren’t being gaslighted or manipulated. It also means you’re able to communicate and express yourself freely.
Creative security means that your interests and passions are encouraged and supported.
Financial security means you have enough in terms of income to have peace of mind regarding expenses.
Femininity cannot thrive in an atmosphere of struggle. Black women cannot be feminine in an atmosphere where they feel unprotected, neglected and unsafe. Black women cannot be feminine in an atmosphere that disregards her thoughts. Black women cannot be feminine in an atmosphere that expects her to always be strong. Black women cannot be feminine in an atmosphere that doesn’t support or affirm her. Black women cannot be feminine in an atmosphere that doesn’t meet her needs or provides security for her. Femininity is receptive meaning it is a receiving energy. If there is nothing to receive, then the energy turns masculine and pursues out of survival and scarcity. Many women haven’t been brought up in an environment that supports them being feminine and receiving security, love and abundance with ease. Instead, they learned to give and pursue, which results in an imbalance. To heal that imbalance, we must create security for ourselves through self care, education and external resources. We must recognize how our conditioning has impacted our mindset and behavior, then begin to change it.
Go Where You’re Celebrated
In the introduction to my femininity series, I stated: “The suppression of femininity in black women mainly has its roots in racism, colorism [and sexism]. The societal circumstances that many black women live in forces them to take on roles out of survival, not choice. Many black women have been conditioned to perceive femininity as weakness so, as a way of protecting themselves, they suppress it.”
To further describe the causes of the imbalance and lack of security black women often feel, we must look at topics such as racism, colorism and discrimination. Racism caused a myriad of rifts within the black community. Racism projects multiple stereotypes onto black women that suppress our femininity such as the “strong, independent black woman” stereotype, “the loud, angry black woman” stereotype, the “Mammy” stereotype, the “Jezebel” stereotype, the “Sapphire” stereotype and more.
The “strong, independent black woman” stereotype perpetuates the idea of black women being “superwoman” and not needing protection.
The “loud, angry black woman” stereotype perpetuates the idea that we’re not allowed to express our emotions.
The Mammy stereotype perpetuates the idea of black women having no personal desire.
The Jezebel stereotype perpetuates the idea of the over-sexualization of black women and girls from an early age.
The Sapphire stereotype perpetuates the idea of black women not being soft, delicate or feminine.
Within the black community itself, there has been an issue with colorism. Black women have been degraded and overlooked by colorist black men. Colorist black men are often vocal about their preference to other races of women and as a result, they often compare us to them. Being torn down due to racism and colorism doesn’t create an ideal atmosphere for one to be feminine or soft in. In fact, it creates hardness and defensiveness as a result. We may often live in a shell out of protection, however, the shell also acts as a barrier to the life that we truly want. And for that reason, we must make an effort to heal from the mindsets and habits we’ve developed out of survival.
We have to leave the environments that hinder our womanhood. We have to break apart from the stereotypes projected onto us. We have to go where we’re celebrated. We have to know that what we want exists. We have to know that we’ll receive what we want when we stop entertaining what we don’t want. We have to open up our options in dating. We must remember our worth and reconnect with our femininity. We must raise our standards and stand firm in what we deserve.
To heal from our hardness and express our femininity, we have to seek and create security in our lives. We have to reject the “strong, independent woman” stereotype and seek physical security. We must reject the “Mammy” stereotype and seek intellectual security. We have to reject the “loud, angry black woman” stereotype and seek emotional security. We must reject the “Jezebel” stereotype and seek creative security. We must reject the “Sapphire” stereotype and seek financial security. We must seek what does support us and reject what doesn’t. In the introduction, I also stated the importance of regulating our attention and ignoring anything that may cloud our perceptions of ourselves. Don’t give racist men, colorist men and competitive women control over your emotions.
We have to change our mindsets. Know that your blackness and womanhood can coexist. You don’t have to choose one in spite of the other.
Scarcity vs. Abundance Mindset in Romance
In the introduction to my femininity series, I also spoke about the difference between having a mindset of scarcity and having a mindset of abundance. To summarize, a scarcity mindset, however, is a mindset of lack. Thinking scarcely means that you feel you don’t have enough and you won’t receive. An abundance mindset, however, is a mindset of confidence. Thinking abundantly means that you know you have enough and you will always receive. It’s important to be aware of which mindset you hold when it comes to romance because your mindset motivates your behavior.
A woman who thinks scarcely has a “pick me” mentality meaning she doesn’t see herself as worthy of love, respect or attention. A pick me woman overcompensates to improve her desirability to men in hopes of receiving validation all while putting down other women as well. She doesn’t feel she has much options and thus settles for and tolerates the bare minimum.
A woman who thinks abundantly has a high value mentality meaning she values herself and knows her worth. A high value woman is confident in her womanhood and doesn’t see other women as competition. She knows that she has options and therefore doesn’t settle for less.
A pick me woman wants to be a picked. A high value woman knows she’s the prize.
She chases after and pursues a man.
She puts down and fights other women over men.
She prioritizes a man’s happiness and needs over her own.
She gives more than she receives in a relationship.
She has low standards and accepts the bare minimum.
She tries to convince men to be with her by overcompensating and performing to receive his validation.
She uses her emotions as an excuse to justify her poor boundaries.
She is aggressive and confrontational.
She has a mindset of lack.
She knows that she’s the prize therefore she doesn’t chase or pursue men.
She always maintains her self worth and value by carrying herself with respect and care.
She puts herself first and says no to what doesn’t serve her without feeling guilty.
She doesn’t give more than she receives in relationships.
She is confident and has healthy self esteem.
She enforces her boundaries and standards.
She doesn’t beg or try to convince a man to be with her nor does she fight over men. She values herself enough to single and at peace rather than insecure in a relationship.
She has a mindset of abundance.
“There are people who’re never really taught how to receive so their love language is in giving. This is not to mean that giving makes them feel loved, but rather when they are giving is the only time they feel worthy of love.” —Seek Cindy
Struggle love is the idea that black women must lower their standards for men and settle for relationships that do not benefit them and in fact, harm them and hold them back in life. (Source)
Struggle love romanticizes the idea of the “ride or die” woman—a woman who’s loyal to a man through a period of suffering and then is praised later. Struggle love is an imbalanced love because there’s no security for the woman. Instead, the woman is overcompensating and building with a man that should be providing for her.
Become aware of the negative conditioning you’ve unconsciously accepted that may have impacted you to think scarcely in romance. It is not normal to be treated poorly, to have to struggle for love or to be constantly overcompensating. Create a new standard for how you deserve to be treated and center your decisions around it. Be aware of any “superwoman complex” or “warrior mindset” you may have surrounding love that may keep you in codependency. It is not your job to save or build any man. Don’t settle for bare minimum behavior. Don’t fall into struggle love. Struggle love is just that—a struggle. Intimacy cannot properly foster in an environment of distress. Love isn’t meant to be a struggle. It’s not supposed to be difficult. Don’t entertain a man who does nothing for you but expects so much from you. There are men who’ll give you the world on a silver platter.
Many women have a scarcity mindset when it comes to men where they settle and accept the bare minimum from a man. Have firm standards for what you want so you don’t settle or compromise. Not every man that pursues you will be an ideal contender because of the standards you hold for yourself. If you know that you don’t like certain qualities, do not entertain a man who has those. Don’t compromise what you want for fear of not receiving. Be smart about the man you choose—mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. Know what you want in a relationships. Know your boundaries. Know your non-negotiattbles.
“Feeling safe to receive is vital part of creating abundance.” — Mastin Kapp
To summarize, the foundation of femininity is security. When you feel safe and secure, you can express your femininity and receive. When you’re receptive, you’ll begin to think abundantly. A woman who thinks abundantly has a high value mentality. A high value woman knows she’s the prize, carries herself with respect and knows she’ll always be provided for.
In dating, think with abundance as opposed to thinking about the “the one”. “The one” is a phrase used to describe your soulmate. If you date with the intention of finding “the one”, you’ll unconsciously subscribe every man you date to that standard. This can cause you to get eager and attached too early. This can also cause you to get hurt if it doesn’t work out.
Instead, keep your options open and casually date multiple men as opposed to putting your eggs into one basket. Date, meaning, get to know them. Get to know what qualities you’re attracted to and compatible with. This doesn’t mean be intimate with the men during the dating stage but actually the opposite. Maintain mystery and detach. Don’t always be accessible to men. Create space for men to pursue you and put effort into your life. Casually dating will allow you to compare and contrast each man’s level of interest in you. It’ll also allow you to maintain a high value mentality as opposed to a pick me mentality. Become exclusive to the man that continuously puts effort and expresses his interest in you through commitment.
“Be a man’s muse, not his mule.” — Andrea Nicole Watson
Masculine men love to pursue feminine women. The man has to like you more than you like him. Never love a man more than he loves you. Never love a man more than you love yourself.
Allow a man to invest in you. Allow men to pursue you. Allow them to them initiate thoughtful dates and give you meaningful gifts. Allow yourself to be pampered, cherished, spoiled and adored. Allow a man to work hard to make sure you have the lifestyle you desire. Make him put effort in for your time and attention. Allow him to take care of you.
By instinct, men find enjoyment in pursuing, protecting and providing the woman they want. Remember, you’re the prize. Let a man work hard and invest in you to win you over. Don’t overcompensate for a man. Don’t try to prove yourself to him by performing. Men fall in love with what they can do for you, not what you do for them. Let a man be a provider and allow yourself to receive. You deserve the best in love. Allow yourself to receive a love that is abundant and true.
As women, we have to always remember that we’re the prize. Meaning we are meant to be pursued and chased after. Our feminine energy is attractive—meaning when we tap into our femininity, we attract men to us. As the prize, you have to lead with your femininity, be confident and take care of yourself. Leading with your feminine energy means you have to be receptive. You have to allow men to approach you. Use the last two suggestions to be strengthen your receptivity: being with confidence and taking care of yourself. Be with confidence by knowing you’re a beautiful and worthy woman deserving of love, respect and care. Have an abundance mindset and self-respect to not accept anything less than what you deserve. Strengthen this mentality by also taking care of yourself. Take care of your health, your happiness and your energy. Put effort into your appearance and personal hygiene. When you look good, you feel good. Be high maintenance—always keep yourself looking good primarily out of self love, self-esteem and self-respect. Present yourself with your beauty, femininity and grace. Dress in feminine clothes that compliment your body. Keep your makeup and hairstyles looking good. Make sure your hygiene is always on top of its game. Invest in good perfumes. The relationship you have with yourself sets the foundation for the relationships you have with other people. You must truly love yourself, see yourself as worthy, treat yourself like a luxury and move accordingly. It all begins with you.
