It’s normal for trauma survivors to get triggered during sexual activity, and it doesn’t mean you’ve “failed.” Having a plan can help you feel safer and more in control. Here are some ideas:
Pick a safe word like “red” or “pause.” Sometimes we can’t say ‘no’ whether it’s due to trauma or whatever else. It doesn’t feel safe. While we often see safe words talked about for more intense scenes, I think they can be beneficial for anyone.
Decide on a non-verbal signal (hand squeeze, tapping twice, dropping an object).
Also plan to have check ins, including signs your partner should check in (you’ve been a bit quieter, etc). There can be a way to do this in a “sexy” and fun way that doesn’t break the mood. For example, you can ask your partner to check in with you by saying a variety of things like “does this feel good?” or “talk dirty to me.” And a lack of response can be agreed that it’s time to stop, even if you don’t verbally or non verbally use a signal.
Try 5-4-3-2-1 grounding: 5 things you see, 4 feel, 3 hear, 2 smell, 1 taste.
Hold something cold or textured like a water bottle or pillow.
Keep a weighted blanket or comfort object nearby.
Plan in advance what your partner can do as a default if you can’t communicate. Tell them the sort of things that reassure they can try like, “You’re safe. We can stop.”
Decide if you want comfort touch (cuddles, hand-holding) or space when triggered. Tell them in advance. It’s okay if your mind changes during. You can communicate that. But it’s good to have a default for if you can’t speak.
If it helps, your partner can guide you through breathing or grounding. Have them be familiar with the 5-4-3-2-1 method so they can walk you through it or be familiar with a breathing exercise that helps center you.
If you aren’t okay with physical touch when triggered, make sure your partner knows so they give you space. If you are okay with it, make sure they know what sort of contact. (I personally love him brushing my hair.) If it’s a sometimes thing, tell them to assume you don’t want contact and have them ask and agree on a verbal and non verbal way of saying ‘yes please give me the agreed physical contact’
Take a break or stop completely. Both are okay.
Switch to non-sexual comfort like cuddling, watching a show, or wrapping up in a blanket.
Have a self-care kit with snacks, a journal, or calming music.
It’s okay to try again later or not at all.
Your healing and boundaries are valid.
I wrote a post on having sex after trauma. There’s a shorter version here. But if you’re up to it, I really recommend the longer version.
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