✸synopsis: you run from a life that looks perfect from the outside and stumble into someone who sees you without asking you to perform. what starts as an accident becomes a choice — one night, one conversation, one person at a time.
✸content warnings: mentions of underage drinking, creepy men
✸wc: 7.3k
✸an: lower case intended, no use of y/n, fem!reader / I NEED THIS MAN SO BAD
[now playing: beautiful people beautiful problems — lana del rey ft. stevie nicks]
m.list
─────
you’re the girl everyone assumes is fine.
prestigious school. clean transcript. an expensive bag you let slide off your shoulder and thump against classroom chairs like money means nothing when you’ve had it your whole life. teachers trust you. parents brag about you. strangers decide your future for you in a single glance and get it mostly wrong.
at night, you go where the music is.
parties are your pressure valve — the bass rattling your ribs, lights flickering like a pulse, cups refilled before you’ve finished the last one. you laugh loudly. you dance badly. you let people look at you because being looked at feels dangerously close to being noticed. even if no one’s really seeing.
this night feels like every other one. until it doesn’t.
the room blurs at the edges first. sound smears. someone’s hand is suddenly too heavy at your waist, guiding instead of asking. you try to step back, and the floor tilts like it’s done with you. words snag in your throat. the air feels thick, uncooperative. then a voice cuts through it — sharp, unmistakable.
“yah.”
the hand disappears. there’s a shift in the room, the way a crowd reacts when something breaks the rhythm. a body steps between you and the man who won’t meet anyone’s eyes now. you register a shoulder, solid and steady, and then the world dips.
byeon tae-seon doesn’t make a scene. he doesn’t raise his voice. he just stands there, close enough that the message is clear. Tte man backs off with a scoff that convinces no one. tae-seon turns to you like the night hasn’t just cracked open.
“you okay?” he asks. you try to answer. your mouth disagrees.
he slips an arm around you — careful, deliberate — and suddenly you’re leaning into him, forehead knocking softly against his shoulder. he smells like laundry soap and something warm. he doesn’t comment when your knees threaten to give out. he just adjusts his grip and keeps you upright, a quiet axis in a spinning room.
the last thing you hear is the music muffled by distance. the last thing you feel is the certainty of not falling.
─────
morning arrives like a punishment. light presses against your eyelids. your head aches in a deep, insistent way. you open your eyes to an unfamiliar ceiling and freeze.
the room is small and messy. a couch beneath you. a blanket tucked around your legs like someone cared enough to do it properly. your shoes are gone. your bag rests on a chair, zipped, untouched.
panic flares — hot, fast — then slows as memory leaks back in. the voice. the shoulder. the way the world stopped tipping. you sit up too quickly and regret it immediately. somewhere nearby, water runs. a kettle clicks off. the apartment smells like instant coffee.
you don’t wait to meet him. you gather your things with clumsy hands, cheeks burning, heart knocking against your ribs like it wants out. you don’t know what to say — thank you feels too small, sorry feels wrong, and explaining feels impossible. you open the door as quietly as you can.
from the kitchen, tae-seon’s voice drifts in, rough with sleep. “you awake —?”
you’re already gone. the rooftop swallows you whole, sunlight beaming overhead. you take the stairs two at a time, and then ride the elevator down, staring at your reflection in the metal doors — mascara smudged, hair tangled, eyes too bright with embarrassment and relief tangled together.
when you exit the building, the morning is too normal. people walk dogs. a bus sighs to a stop. life keeps going like nothing almost happened.
you tell yourself this never happened. you promise yourself you won’t think about the boy who stepped in without asking for anything back. you won’t wonder what could’ve gone wrong if he hadn’t. you won’t remember the way it felt to be held steady when everything else slipped.
you square your shoulders, lift your chin, and step back into the version of yourself everyone recognizes. fine.
─────
real life snaps back into place with the efficiency of a well-run machine.
your school gates open every morning like a promise already kept. manicured hedges. stone buildings with names etched into them, donors immortalized in bronze. students in pristine uniforms glide through the halls like they’ve rehearsed this version of themselves since birth. you slip back into it easily. you always do.
no one asks where you were over the weekend. no one notices the faint bruise blooming on your shin or the way loud noises make you flinch for half a second too long. you answer questions correctly. you turn in assignments early. you smile when teachers praise you, like it costs nothing.
between classes, the whispers float. that other school. the one on top of the hill. the one parents warn about without ever naming. delinquents. dropouts. kids with nothing to lose. you hear it said casually, confidently, like fact instead of fear. someone mentions a fight that broke out near a convenience store. someone else jokes about locking their car doors when they pass that neighborhood.
you listen without reacting, fingers tightening around the strap of your bag. byeon tae-seon’s name doesn’t surface. not yet. even if it did, you wouldn’t recognize it. the boy from the party exists in a separate mental box labeled “mistake,” “blur,” or “don't think about this.” you’ve already sealed it shut.
at home, everything is unchanged.
your mother asks about your classes while scrolling through her phone. your father nods absently at your report card, pleased but unsurprised. “good,” he says, the word flat with expectation. dinner conversations orbit safe topics — college prospects, family acquaintances, market trends. you contribute when prompted, your voice measured, agreeable.
no one asks why you’ve stopped going out as much. no one comments when you come home earlier, quieter. when your phone buzzes late at night and you silence it immediately, no one notices.
and when they do notice — when a teacher discreetly mentions your attendance slipping by a fraction, when a parent of a friend calls with a concern — it’s handled like everything else. quietly. efficiently.
a meeting behind closed doors. a donation here. an apology there. a schedule adjusted, an explanation crafted. your behavior smoothed over, packaged neatly, erased before it can become a problem. no yelling. no confrontation. no questions. just solutions.
you sit at the long dining table afterward, watching your parents discuss logistics over tea, and feel something hollow widen in your chest. they aren’t angry. they aren’t worried. they’re only managing you.
in your room, the walls are decorated with achievements — certificates framed in thin gold, and photos from events you barely remember attending. everything about this space suggests a girl who is thriving. a girl with direction. a girl who doesn’t need saving. you lie on your bed and stare at the ceiling, replaying fragments you don’t mean to remember.
a hand lifted in warning. a voice asking if you’re okay. the steady weight of an arm keeping you upright. you don’t know why that’s the part that sticks.
you tell yourself it doesn’t matter. that people help each other all the time. that you were lucky, nothing more. you tell yourself you’ll never see him again, that lives don’t overlap like that — not yours and his. still, something feels off, like a note played just slightly out of tune.
at school, you drift through your days with practiced ease. friends talk about banquets you don’t feel like attending. teachers mention futures you’re supposed to want. you laugh when expected, nod when required. you perform the version of yourself everyone recognizes.
but at home, when the lights are low and the house settles into its quiet hum, the invisibility presses in. you wonder what it would feel like to be asked how you’re doing and know the question actually means something. you wonder what it would be like to mess up and have someone react — not fix it, not erase it, but see it.
you roll onto your side and bury your face into your pillow, breathing in the familiar scent of clean sheets and expensive detergent. everything is fine. that’s what everyone thinks. that’s the problem.
─────
your breaking point doesn’t announce itself.
it arrives dressed like every other obligation — an evening you’re told about days in advance, a reminder slipped into conversation like an afterthought. family dinner on friday. as if that alone explains everything it needs to.
the house looks perfect when you come down the stairs. the lights are warmer than usual. the table set with dishes you only use when guests matter. your mother moves through the room with practiced ease, adjusting napkins, smoothing imaginary wrinkles. your father checks his watch, already impatient for things to begin on time.
you sit when you’re told to sit. food appears in courses, placed carefully, praised before it’s tasted. conversation flows politely, predictably. your parents ask about school in voices that suggest the answers are already known.
“classes going well?”
“yes.”
“still top of your year?”
“yes.”
good. excellent. that’s the end of that. then come the comments that are shaped like concern but land like critique.
“you’ve been looking tired lately,” your mother says, eyes flicking briefly over you. “maybe you should take better care of yourself.”
your father hums in agreement. “late nights aren’t productive. you don’t want to lose focus now.”
lose focus. like you’re a machine that might slip out of alignment. you nod. you always nod.
your father goes on to mention your social life — how it’s good to have fun, of course, within reason. how appearances matter. how people talk. how you don’t want to give the wrong impression. they say your name often, but they’re not talking to you. they’re talking about you.
you pick at your food, appetite gone, chest tightening with every carefully worded sentence. each expectation is wrapped neatly in love. each demand delivered with a smile. they aren’t asking who you are. they’re reminding you who you’re supposed to be.
and somewhere between the second course and dessert, it clicks. they don’t want you. they want the version of you that doesn’t disrupt dinners. doesn’t worry investors. doesn’t raise questions. doesn’t need anything inconvenient. they want the girl who fits.
your fork clinks softly against the plate. too loud in the quiet room. all eyes flick to you, briefly alert.
“i’m going out,” you announce, voice steady.
your mother blinks. “we’re not finished.”
“i am.”
the room stills. your father’s voice sharpens just slightly. “sit down.”
something inside you snaps — not dramatically, not loudly. just a clean break. like a thread pulled too tight.
“i can’t,” you say, standing. your chair scrapes against the floor, an ugly sound you don’t apologize for. “i can’t do this.”
you don’t wait for permission. you don’t wait for understanding. you grab your coat and your bag and walk out while your mother calls your name like this is a misunderstanding that can be corrected if addressed quickly enough. the door closes behind you with a final, echoing thud.
outside, the night air hits your lungs hard and welcome. you walk without direction, heels striking pavement too fast, breath uneven. the neighborhood is quiet, manicured, untouched by scenes like this. you feel wildly out of place in it, like a stain no one wants to acknowledge.
you don’t stop walking. you don’t check your phone. you just move. the farther you get from the house, the lighter you feel. like something heavy is slipping off your shoulders with every step. fear creeps in eventually — what are you doing, where are you going — but you don’t turn back.
you follow the streets until the sounds change. cars. voices. the low mechanical hum of the city waking up around you. the train station comes into view like a promise.
bright lights. open space. people in motion, all of them going somewhere, anywhere. the smell of metal and oil and overheated air fills your nose, grounding you. you step inside and inhale deeply.
for the first time all evening, it feels like you can breathe. you don’t know where the next train is going. you don’t care. right now, it’s enough to be somewhere you weren’t expected to be — standing still in a place built for leaving, heart pounding, hands shaking slightly, finally honest with yourself.
you didn’t run because you were reckless. you ran because staying meant disappearing. and you’ve had enough of that.
you hear your name before you recognize his face.
it cuts through the station noise — announcements crackling over speakers, the clatter of shoes against tile, the distant whine of an arriving train. you stiffen, convinced for half a second that it’s your mother’s voice chasing you down, that somehow she’s followed you here.
you turn. he’s leaning near a pillar by the ticket machines, hands shoved into the pockets of a worn jacket, hair slightly messy like he didn’t bother checking a mirror before leaving the house. his eyes are already on you, steady and unmistakably sure.
“yah,” he says again, softer this time. “you okay?”
your instinct is defense. your shoulders lift. your expression shutters closed.
“i’m fine,” you answer too quickly. “do i — know you?”
he studies you for a beat, like he’s deciding how honest to be. “you look tired,” he says instead. not judgmental. not prying. just an observation, offered the way someone might mention the weather.
something about that makes your chest tighten.
“why do you care?” the question slips out sharper than you mean it to. you’re suddenly very aware of how exposed you feel — standing there with your coat half-buttoned, hair still too perfect for someone who ran out mid-dinner, heart still pounding like you’ve committed a crime.
his brow creases, confusion flickering across his face. then it clicks. the angle of his jaw. the voice. the way he stands — like he’s ready to move if he has to. the stranger’s couch. the blanket tucked around your legs. the shoulder you passed out against.
oh. oh god.
heat rushes up your neck, blooming hot and humiliating across your cheeks. you look down immediately, mortified, gripping the strap of your bag like it might anchor you to the floor.
“i —” you swallow. “i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to just leave like that. i didn’t know what to say.”
tae-seon blinks, then lets out a small breath that might be a laugh. “it’s fine. really. i just —” he trails off, then shrugs. “didn’t expect to see you here.”
you nod, because nodding is easier than explaining the mess inside your chest.
“i’m… running away,” you say. the words hang there between you, absurd and fragile all at once.
he snorts before he can stop himself. “from what, homework?”
you almost smile. almost.
then he looks at you properly — takes in the tight line of your mouth, the way your hands won’t stop moving, the way your eyes keep darting toward the departure board like it’s a lifeline.
his smile fades.
“you’re serious,” he notes.
you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. “yeah.”
you don’t tell him everything. your train announcement echoes overhead, sharp and final. you flinch instinctively, fingers tightening. you step back, already preparing yourself for goodbye. for this to be the end of another strange intersection that won’t follow you into real life.
tae-seon glances at the board. then at you. he doesn’t say anything. he just turns toward the ticket machine and starts pressing buttons.
“what are you doing?” you ask, startled.
he looks over his shoulder. “changing my destination.”
your heart stutters. “to where? the next train?”
“yes,” he replies simply.
you frown. “you don’t have to —”
“i know,” he says easily. then, softer, “but you shouldn’t be alone right now.”
the machine spits out a ticket. he pockets it and nods toward the platform.
“come on,” he tells you. “before you miss it.”
and just like that — without promises, without explanations — you follow him, the air in your lungs suddenly lighter, the station no longer just a place to escape from, but a place where something unexpected found you instead.
─────
the train lurches forward with a low metallic groan, and suddenly there’s no undoing it. the doors slide shut. the platform slips away. the city outside the window stretches and fractures into streaks of light, moving fast enough that it makes your stomach dip. you sit rigidly in your seat, knees pressed together, hands folded too tightly in your lap.
tae-seon sits beside you, angled slightly away, giving you space like it’s a language he’s fluent in. you tell yourself you don’t owe him anything. and yet — your chest feels too full. the silence too loud. the fact that he changed his destination for you sits heavy and unresolved, like a question you didn’t ask but still feel responsible for answering.
“i should probably explain,” you utter suddenly.
he looks over, surprised but calm. “you don’t have to.”
“i know,” you reply too quickly. “i just —” you inhale, sharp and shallow. “i don’t want you to think i’m just… dramatic. or stupid.”
he doesn’t interrupt. that somehow makes it harder. you stare at your reflection in the darkened window. your face overlays the rushing night, ghostlike, half-here.
“my parents are… good people,” you begin, immediately hating how practiced that sounds. “they do everything right. they provide everything. they just —” you search for the word. “they don’t see me unless i’m doing exactly what i’m supposed to.”
the train rocks gently, a steady rhythm beneath your words.
“Iif i get good grades, they’re proud. if i mess up, they fix it. quietly. like it never happened.” you let out a soft, humorless laugh. “it’s like the worst thing i could do is embarrass them. not hurt myself. not be unhappy. just… disrupt things.”
tae-seon’s gaze stays on you, unwavering. not intense. not pitying. just there.
“so i started acting out,” you continue, the confession spilling faster now, like you’re afraid if you slow down you’ll lose the nerve. “partying, drinking, staying out too late. not because i wanted to self-destruct —” you pause, correcting yourself. “okay, maybe a little. but mostly because i wanted them to notice. to ask why. to be angry. to be something.”
your fingers curl into your palms.
“but they never do,” you whisper. “they just erase it. like proof i exist is inconvenient.”
the words hang there, fragile and exposed. you wait for advice. for reassurance. for him to tell you what you should do better, be smarter — quieter. he doesn’t.
he nods once, slowly. “that sounds lonely.”
your throat tightens at how simply he says it.
“i feel like i have to justify myself all the time,” you admit. “like if i don’t explain, people will assume the worst. that i’m spoiled or careless or ungrateful.” you glance at him, embarrassed. “i didn’t want you to think that.”
“i didn’t,” he says immediately.
you blink. “you didn’t?”
he shrugs. “you don’t act like someone who doesn’t care. you act like someone who’s tired of not being heard.”
something in your chest gives way at that. outside, the city thins. buildings give way to darker stretches of road, the occasional streetlight flashing past like a pulse. the train hums steadily onward, carrying you somewhere unnamed.
“i don’t know what i’m doing,” you say quietly. “i just knew i couldn’t stay.”
tae-seon exhales, leaning back in his seat. “you don’t have to know. not tonight.”
he doesn’t tell you to go home. he doesn’t tell you to confront them. he doesn’t tell you everything will work out. he just sits there with you, shoulder warm and solid beside yours, listening like that alone matters. and maybe — for the first time — it does.
the train keeps moving. and for once, you don’t feel like you need to disappear to deserve the space you’re taking up.
─────
the beach feels unreal, like you stepped sideways out of your life and into someone else’s memory.
the sand is cold through the thin soles of your shoes, grains slipping in anyway, stubborn and everywhere. the air smells sharp and clean, salt-heavy, nothing like the city. moonlight stretches across the water in a broken silver path, trembling every time the waves move. there are no expectations here. no one watching. no version of you to maintain.
just space.
you kick your shoes off and sink your toes into the sand, hissing softly at the chill. tae-seon watches you with an unreadable smile, hands tucked into his jacket sleeves like he belongs in places like this — edges of towns, ends of lines, spots people forget about.
you crouch without really thinking about it and drag your finger through the sand.
s.o.s.
the letters come out crooked, uneven. a joke, technically. you snort under your breath, brushing your hands together.
“very subtle,” he notes.
you glance back at him, defensive instinct flaring. “it’s ironic.”
“sure,” he replies. “that’s definitely what it is.”
but he doesn’t tease you too hard. he just looks at the word for a second longer than necessary, then nods toward the dimly lit gas station across the road.
“i’m getting food,” he says. “you want anything?”
you hesitate. “what do they have?”
he stares at you. “food.”
“that’s not helpful.”
he laughs — actually laughs, head tipping back slightly — and the sound surprises you. it feels loose, unguarded, like he doesn’t ration it. “trust me,” he tells you. “i’ve got this.”
when he comes back, his arms are full. paper bags. plastic wrappers. drinks you’ve never bought in your life. he drops them onto the sand like it’s a feast, proud and unceremonious. you pick something up, examining it skeptically. “this is… meat?”
“allegedly,” he says.
you take a bite. your eyes widen.
“oh,” you say. “oh. this is — why is this good?”
he laughs again, delighted. “you’ve really never had gas station food?”
“i’ve been deprived,” you say solemnly, chewing. “this is tragic.”
“your life is a lie,” he tells you.
you laugh before you can stop yourself. it bursts out of you, loud and real, carried away instantly by the wind. it startles you — how easy it feels, how little it costs.
you sit side by side on the sand, shoulders almost touching, passing food back and forth. grease on your fingers. cold cans sweating into your palms. the waves crash and pull back in a steady rhythm, like the ocean breathing.
you talk about nothing. about how sand gets everywhere. about the worst movies you’ve ever seen. about the fact that he hates mornings and you hate silence that feels like judgment. and then, without warning, you talk about everything.
you tell him what you wanted to be when you were younger, before ambition replaced curiosity. he tells you about gi-jeong’s modeling gigs, how he waits outside shoots pretending not to care, how he knows exactly which angles make his friend look confident when he’s actually terrified. you tell him you’re scared of becoming someone boring and empty. he tells you he’s scared of becoming someone people already gave up on.
the moon climbs higher. the tide inches closer, erasing the edges of your s.o.s. first, softening it until it’s just lines, then nothing at all. you watch it disappear and don’t feel panicked. your body feels loose in a way it never does — not buzzing, not dulled, not desperate for distraction. just present. awake. warm despite the cold.
for the first time in a long while, you feel calm without being numb. you hug your knees to your chest and stare out at the water, listening to it move, letting the quiet exist without rushing to fill it.
beside you, tae-seon sits steady and silent, like he understands that this — this exact nothingness — is enough. and somehow, tonight, it really is.
─────
you wake the next morning with sand still clinging to the backs of your knees, crumpled clothes smelling faintly of salt and coffee. the sky is pale gray, and the waves behind your eyelids hum softly in memory. you feel the ache of sleep mixed with something heavier — the kind of clarity that comes after staying awake for too long, after saying things you meant and things you didn’t.
tae-seon walks beside you in quiet rhythm, hands stuffed into his pockets, sneakers scuffing the sidewalk. you don’t speak much. words feel unnecessary. when he finally stops at the edge of your gate, the moment stretches long enough for both of you to notice it.
“this is me,” he says lightly, almost joking. “right here.”
you hesitate. the thought of him walking away without a goodbye makes your chest tighten, but pride and embarrassment win over longing. you fish out your wallet.
“taxi,” you mutter, handing over cash before he can protest.
he rolls his eyes but takes it anyway, leaning back against the gate as if he doesn’t mind standing there a little longer. there’s a softness in his gaze you didn’t expect — like he sees the part of you you thought you hid perfectly.
“thanks,” you say, voice barely above the hum of the city waking up.
“sure,” he replies. “don’t… do anything stupid again, okay?”
you nod, because really, you don’t know what else to say. there’s a weight to his words, but no judgment.
the taxi pulls away, leaving you alone on the sidewalk. and yet, even with the space between you, something lingers. not a promise. not a vow. not a plan. just the quiet knowledge that someone is aware of you — really aware —and chose not to turn away.
you go inside, shower, change, pretend like nothing happened. pretend like life is the same as it always was. but the memory of the sand, the laughter, the moonlight, and the way he held your balance when the world was tipping stays with you.
weeks pass. classes, parties, dinners, grades. you act the part you’re expected to act. you perform the version of yourself everyone wants to see.
and yet, every once in a while, you catch a flicker in the crowd — someone who moves a little differently, who laughs a little too freely, who doesn’t belong where they’re expected. someone who might just remember that night as vividly as you do.
and then, by chance or fate or coincidence you can’t quite name, you see him again. on the street, near a convenience store. crossing paths with that same easy familiarity. your heart hitches. your breath catches. he knows too much about you already.
you stiffen, ready to retreat. but tae-seon, unsurprised, smiles that crooked smile you remember from the beach.
“you remember me,” he says, like it’s a statement, not a question.
“yes,” you admit, wary.
he shrugs, casual. “good. i was wondering if you were okay.”
and somehow, that’s when the conversation begins again — not with explanations, but with stories. not with confessions, but with ordinary truths.
“so… you don’t always skip class, huh?” you ask, trying to sound casual as you walk beside him. you noticed the school uniform he adorned as the infamous school at the top of the hill.
he shrugs, kicking at a pebble on the sidewalk. “depends on the day. sometimes it’s rules. sometimes… it’s pressure. people who won’t notice me unless i break something.”
you raise your eyebrows, impressed. “that’s… not what i expected.”
“neither is meeting a girl at three a.m. on a train platform,” he shoots back, smirking.
you blink, flush rising, and glance at your shoes. “touché.”
he laughs, easy and warm. “and yeah, helping gi-jeong with his modeling stuff… it’s one of the few things i can control. people actually trust my judgment, which is… new.”
you glance up at him. “really? i would’ve pegged you as someone who doesn’t like responsibility.”
he shrugs again, grinning. “depends on who it’s for.”
you catch yourself smiling, embarrassed at how much you’re enjoying the conversation. you clear your throat, trying to pretend you’re not noticing every detail about him. you notice the way his jacket folds over his arm, the way his voice rises slightly when he discusses something he actually cares about.
“you talk a lot about him,” you say, voice softer, almost a whisper. “gi-jeong, i mean.”
“yeah, he’s my best friend. we spend far too much time together… late nights, gaming, takeout, stupid challenges we dare each other to do. mostly i just try not to fall asleep on his couch.”
you laugh, a little higher than intended, and the sound makes you realize your cheeks are burning. you glance at him, flushed, and he notices instantly.
“you’re flushed,” he says, teasing lightly. “why?”
you look down, hiding behind a strand of hair. “i — because… you know too much about me,” you mumble.
he pauses, grinning wider. “oh?”
“yes!” you stomp a foot lightly, frustrated with yourself. “i mean—look at me! you’ve seen me drunk, helpless, sleeping on your couch, and now you’re casually walking me home like nothing happened.”
he shakes his head, laughing softly. “okay… fair. that’s valid. but — let me…” he leans closer, just enough that you can feel it in the side of your face, and his voice drops to something gentle. “let’s call it even. i’ll keep the embarrassing stories in my head. deal?”
you swallow, heat rising, and nod, unable to stop the small laugh that escapes. “deal,” you whisper.
“and hey,” he adds, nudging you lightly with his shoulder, “if i know too much about you… then that means you know a lot about me too. fair’s fair.”
you glance at him, heart skipping. “i guess so.”
“you’re quiet about yourself sometimes,” he teases, “but i think i like the pieces i get.”
your stomach twists, warm and flustered, and you look down at your hands, pretending to examine the folds of your coat. “i just… i don’t usually talk to anyone like this.”
he grins, nudging you again. “then maybe you should. i’m listening.”
and somehow, in the middle of city streets, under flickering streetlights and the hum of cars, you realize that being yourself around him — messy, embarrassed, flushed, honest — is easier than anywhere else. for the first time, the thought of seeing him again doesn’t make you tense or scared. it makes you… hopeful.
─────
you start meeting him in spaces that feel like no one else exists.
arcades with flickering neon and the hum of machines. the smell of fried food lingering like a permanent invitation. you challenge him at racing games, and he cheats just enough to make you laugh without actually losing. he grins every time you throw your hands up in mock frustration, and you realize you’re smiling without thinking about appearances for the first time in weeks.
convenience stores become your neutral territory. you wander the aisles together, grabbing snacks you wouldn’t touch in front of anyone else. cheap candy, soda with glittering labels, pastries that leave powdered sugar on your fingers. he teases you when you pick something ridiculously sweet, and you retaliate by stealing a chocolate bar from his hand. laughter echoes down empty aisles, the world reduced to this small, ordinary bubble that somehow feels huge.
sometimes you end up on quiet rooftops, far from cars, far from prying eyes. the city stretches beneath you, lights like fireflies that don’t care who’s watching. you sit cross-legged, knees brushing, hands wrapped around steaming cups of instant noodles or vending machine coffee. he expands on late-night video games with gi-jeong, small victories, the satisfaction of solving something on your own. you talk about school, about classes you secretly like, about music and books, about the little rebellions you commit quietly so no one notices.
he never pushes. never asks you to change. never suggests you stop doing what you love — or stop being who you are. it’s a foreign comfort, a rhythm that doesn’t demand you perform. and it’s addictive.
you notice little things — the way his grin curls just slightly at the edges, the way his hand hovers near yours and sometimes brushes it, the way he doesn’t laugh at your awkwardness, just includes it in the story. you laugh easier, more freely. drinks become occasional indulgences, not escapes. parties are still tempting, but now they’re somewhere you choose to go, not a tool to prove yourself.
you realize you’re calmer, not because someone is controlling the surrounding chaos, but because you’ve finally found a place where chaos doesn’t feel like it has to define you. where mistakes aren’t erased — they’re witnessed, sometimes laughed at, sometimes shrugged off, but never ignored.
and in those moments, walking side by side through glowing streets, sharing candy wrappers and quiet jokes, you feel something shift. the space between your schools — their rules, their reputations, their expectations — shrinks into something manageable, something you can navigate without fear.
you are allowed to be yourself here. and it feels like coming home.
─────
it starts with quiet questions.
“where were you last night?” your mother asks, not in alarm, but in that soft, measured tone that suggests irritation disguised as concern.
“why didn’t you join us for dinner?” your father adds, leaning back in his chair, fingers tapping against the table in a rhythm that used to feel comforting, orderly, like it had a pattern you could follow.
you hesitate, and that’s enough to tell them everything they need to know. not because you’re doing something dramatic. not because you’re trying to rebel. but because you’re choosing not to be present in the way they expect. not participating. not performing.
they notice. and they don’t like it.
your mother’s eyebrows knit just slightly, a furrow that never used to reach her mouth. your father’s jaw tightens. words are chosen carefully, tested for maximum control — gentle warnings, reminders of expectations, suggestions disguised as questions. you nod politely. you answer in measured tones.
but the act of restraint, the absence of performance, is loud. and it rattles the house.
meanwhile, tae-seon notices too.
you run into him at a small, quiet café tucked between two apartment buildings — the kind with mismatched chairs, warm light spilling onto the sidewalk, and the faint scent of coffee and sugar in the air. you had ducked inside to escape the hum of city noise and the weight of your parents’ expectations, and somehow, there he is, sitting in a corner with a soda and a handheld video game, like he owns no one else’s attention but his own.
he looks up and frowns. “yah… are you okay? you’ve been…” he trails off, searching for the word. “…different.”
you flush at the accusation, even though it isn’t one. “i’m fine,” you say quickly. “just… busy.”
he shakes his head, unconvinced. “no. that’s not it. you’re… pulling away. is it… me?”
you blink, surprised. “what do you mean?”
“you know,” he mutters, eyes flicking to the table, avoiding yours for a moment. “i — what if i’m just another thing to… rebel against? another way to —” he stops himself. “you know, push back.”
your chest tightens. the thought that he sees himself as a symbol of your chaos—it’s almost painful, unfair. you step closer across the small café table. “no,” you declare firmly. “you’re not a rebellion. you’re a choice.”
he looks up, confusion and relief mingling in his expression. “a choice?”
“yes,” you insist. “you’re here because i want you to be. not because i need someone to notice me. not because i want to prove something. you’re… you. and that matters. to me.”
he exhales slowly, letting the tension in his shoulders ease. “i… didn’t know i could be a choice,” he admits. “not just… an accident. or a way to… you know… be different.”
you reach out and squeeze his hand across the table, the warm café light glinting off the ring on your finger. “you are. you always have been.”
he smiles, small and uncertain, and you realize the weight lifts — not just for him, but for you too. you don’t have to act. you don’t have to perform. you don’t have to measure your presence against anyone’s expectation.
somewhere between the hum of the espresso machine and the chatter of the few other patrons, you both linger, unwilling to leave the space that suddenly feels like your own.
you are learning something important — the difference between reaction and choice. the difference between chaos and calm. between someone who notices you because you exist — and someone who chooses to stay.
and for the first time, it feels like both of you are finally allowed to be precisely who you are.
─────
small decisions start stacking up like bricks.
you stop staying silent at home. you tell your mother you won’t attend a dinner you don’t want to. you tell your father you need space to study without constant oversight. you close doors when you need to think. you carve moments for yourself that aren’t performances, that aren’t “expected.” at first, it feels selfish, almost rebellious — but you realize it’s necessary. each tiny assertion of your autonomy builds something you didn’t know you were allowed to have— a sense of control over your own life.
tae-seon starts showing up more often — not by accident, but intentionally, even though you go to different schools. he waits at corners where the streets intersect between your campuses, leaning casually against walls or lamp posts, a familiar presence in the chaos of passing students. you spot him from a distance and feel that little jolt in your chest, the same one that used to make you flinch — and this time, you don’t. you wave, and he grins back, claiming a small piece of your day without ever crowding it.
sometimes he brings snacks from a nearby convenience store, holding out a bag with a smirk like it’s a peace offering or a bribe. other times, he nudges you toward the crosswalk when you’re dawdling, laughing at the way you stumble over your own shoelaces or almost miss the light. even though you’re technically supposed to be at different schools, he makes these stolen moments feel like their own little world — a space where the noise of expectations and rules fades, and all that matters is the two of you.
gi-jeong lands a real modeling opportunity, and you see the way tae-seon’s eyes light up when he tells you about it. he helped him polish a portfolio, coached him through an interview, and even stayed late at the studio, giving advice and encouragement. gi-jeong thanks him with a grin that you know is as genuine as he gets. you watch tae-seon’s chest swell with pride, a quiet, private triumph, and it makes something shift in you. you’re starting to see that effort — not just luck or privilege — can change things.
and yet, life doesn’t magically fix itself. the house is still too quiet at night. your parents still glaze over the things they would rather not notice. classes are still demanding. parties are still tempting in the way they always were.
but it feels livable.
you start noticing it in small ways. you wake up without that sinking, invisible weight pressing against your chest. you feel your heart slow when the phone rings. you laugh at jokes without adding an invisible layer of performance. you sip coffee while tae-seon talks about nothing important, and it feels warm, ordinary, and enough.
you realize that choosing your own path isn’t a single, dramatic act. it’s a series of small choices — when to speak, when to leave, when to stay, when to trust, when to be yourself. and for the first time, you feel capable of making those choices for yourself, not because someone else expects you to, but because you finally recognize that your life — every messy, chaotic, imperfect moment of it — belongs to you.
one afternoon, you and tae-seon sit on the rooftop of a quiet building, sharing cheap snacks from the corner store, watching the city stretch and fold beneath you. he nudges your shoulder, grinning at something trivial, and you laugh so hard it echoes against the concrete. the wind is sharp but kind, and the sunset paints everything gold.
you glance at him, and he catches your gaze with that crooked smile he reserves for moments like this — moments that feel almost stolen from the rest of the world. and it hits you — life may never be perfect. you may never have all the answers, and the weight of expectations will always be there.
but you can breathe. you can laugh. you can choose. and that is enough.
─────
the night air hits differently this time. you don’t feel frantic, restless, or desperate. the tide laps lazily at the shore, soft and unhurried, silver under the moonlight. the sand is cold between your toes, still gritty, still carrying the memory of your first night here — but now, it doesn’t feel like a trap or a reminder of chaos.
tae-seon walks beside you, hands in his jacket pockets, but there’s no awkward distance this time. you fall into the familiar rhythm of the waves and the quiet of the beach, matching steps without speaking. the s.o.s. you once scrawled in the sand is gone, erased by the tide and time. you don’t rewrite it. there’s no need. the message isn’t for anyone anymore, not even yourself.
you both sink onto the sand, side by side, knees brushing lightly, feet dug in. the wind ruffles your hair, salty and soft, and the ocean stretches endlessly before you. you let the silence stretch too, not a pressured, uncomfortable one, but the kind of silence that feels like breathing.
he nudges a bag of snacks toward you, the crinkling sound sharp in the quiet night. you laugh at the absurdity of eating chips on a beach at midnight, and he laughs too, low and warm. it’s easy. it’s familiar. it’s everything you’ve been missing without realizing it.
“i could get used to this,” you murmur, watching the moonlight dance on the water.
“not running,” he notes, half a statement, half a question.
you shake your head. “not running.” the words feel like a promise you’re making to yourself, not to anyone else. “this time, i’m staying. on my own terms.”
he turns slightly to look at you, the corner of his lips curling in that crooked, infuriatingly gentle smile. “good,” he says softly. “i like this version of you.”
you feel warmth rise in your chest, unbidden and unashamed. for the first time, being seen doesn’t feel like exposure — it feels like acknowledgment.
minutes pass. hours might pass. you don’t count. the sound of waves fills in all the spaces that were empty before. conversation drifts easily between nothing and everything — favorite songs, stupid memories, dreams you’ve never told anyone, and laughter that comes without effort.
at some point, your hands brush, lightly, almost accidentally. but he doesn’t pull away. his fingers find yours, lacing together naturally, a quiet tether in the vastness of sand and sea.
you shift just enough to feel the warmth of his shoulder against yours, and before you can overthink it, he leans forward and presses a soft kiss to your temple. not dramatic. not desperate. just a brush of certainty.
you close your eyes at the contact, heart thumping in that familiar, exhilarating way, and realize you’ve never felt safer in someone’s presence — not because he controls the world, not because he rescues you, but because he chooses to stay.
you open your eyes and look at him. he meets your gaze without words. no explanations, no promises, no grand confessions — just this moment, simple and perfect in its quietness.
you let your head rest just a little closer to his shoulder, fingers entwined, and breathe in the salty air. you don’t need more than this. you don’t need permission. you don’t need validation.
because someone sees you. truly sees you. and chooses you anyway.
✸request: i hope you could do more moon baek x reader stories 🥺
✸synopsis: you fall in love, you get pregnant, and you learn your boyfriend is dying — all in the wrong order, all at once. and in the space between holding onto him and preparing to lose him, you discover that love isn’t about forever, it’s about choosing each other anyway.
✸genre: one-shot, canon adjacent, established relationship, angst
✸an: lower case intended, no use of y/n, fem!reader / i apologize in advance AH
[now playing: transatlanticism — death cab by cutie]
m.list
─────
you notice small things first. not in a way that feels important. not in a way that sets off alarms. just in a way that lingers.
coffee tastes wrong.
not bitter. not burnt. just off. like someone replaced it with a memory of coffee instead of the real thing. you stand in the kitchen one morning, mug hovering near your mouth, staring into the dark surface like it might explain itself.
moon baek leans against the counter, half-asleep, hair still a mess, wearing the same faded hoodie he always steals from you.
“did you make it weird today?” he asks.
you swallow. “it’s fine.”
you take another sip. it still tastes wrong. you dump the rest down the sink when he isn’t looking.
─────
your chest aches. not sharply. not enough to scare you. just a dull, persistent soreness that settles in and refuses to move. you notice it when you shower. when you change. when you cross your arms over yourself without thinking, like you’re bracing against something invisible.
you tell yourself it’s hormones. or stress. or nothing. everything lately feels like it could be nothing.
─────
the exhaustion is what really gets you. not the kind that comes from staying up too late. not the kind that disappears with a nap. this is heavier. it lives inside your bones.
you wake up tired. you go to bed tired. you feel like you’re wading through water even when you’re standing still. moon baek notices before you say anything.
“you okay?” he asks one night, thumb brushing slowly over your knuckles as you lie side by side in bed.
“just tired,” you murmur in response.
he frowns in that small, quiet way he has. “you’ve been tired a lot.”
you turn onto your side, facing away from him. “i’m fine.”
you don’t want to be dramatic. you don’t want to be someone who invents problems. you don’t want to say something out loud and make it real.
─────
it’s the missed period that finally corners you. not even dramatically. you’re standing in the bathroom, staring down at your phone calendar, thumb hovering over the screen.
you count once. twice. three times.
your stomach doesn’t drop. your heart doesn’t race. you just feel hollow. like your body has stepped slightly out of alignment with the world.
“it’s probably stress,” you whisper to yourself. everything is always stress.
you don’t tell moon baek. you don’t want to see that flicker of concern in his eyes. you don’t want to make him worry over something that might be nothing. so you go to the pharmacy alone.
─────
the fluorescent lights buzz overhead. the place smells like antiseptic and cheap perfume and cardboard. you stand in front of the pregnancy tests for a long time. too long.
you pretend to read the backs of boxes even though they all say the same thing. early detection. over 99% accurate. results in minutes. your hands shake when you grab one.
you choose the cheapest option.you don’t know why. maybe because spending more money feels like believing in it. you pay in cash. you don’t make eye contact with the cashier.
─────
at home, the apartment is quiet.
moon baek is still at work. you set the plastic bag on the counter. you stare at it. you almost throw it away. instead, you carry it into the bathroom. you sit on the floor with your back against the tub.
the tiles are cold through your clothes. your reflection in the mirror looks exactly the same. no glow. no intuition. just you.
you follow the instructions slowly. mechanically. like you’re assembling something delicate. when you place the test on the edge of the sink, your hands drop into your lap.
you tell yourself that this is stupid. unnecessary. this will be negative.
you stare at the door. at the tiny crack of light beneath it. at a small chip in the paint shaped vaguely like a heart. you count the seconds in your head. you don’t pray. you don’t hope. you don’t imagine futures.
you just wait.
─────
two lines. not faint. not questionable. two solid, undeniable lines.
for a moment, you genuinely don’t understand what you’re looking at. it feels abstract. like a picture in a textbook. like something meant for someone else.
you pick it up. your fingers feel numb.
two lines.
your heart doesn’t explode. you don’t cry. you don’t smile. your first thought isn’t joy. it’s tht this can’t be happening right now. not because you don’t want a baby. not because you hate the idea. but because of timing.
because life already feels unsteady. because you and moon baek are barely keeping your heads above water as it is. because nothing about right now feels ready.
you sit there. on the bathroom floor. holding a piece of plastic that quietly, efficiently rewrote your entire future. your chest tightens. your throat burns.
still, no tears fall. you press the test to your stomach without realizing you’re doing it. like you’re trying to feel something. like you’re trying to confirm it’s real.
“i don’t know what to do,” you whisper. the words disappear into tile and steam and silence.
when moon baek comes home later, you’re sitting on the couch. the test is hidden at the bottom of the trash can, wrapped in toilet paper. your face looks normal. your voice sounds normal. you kiss him hello. he smells of soap and the outside air.
“hi,” he says, soft.
“hi.”
he pulls you into his arms. you let him. you close your eyes.
you think about the two lines. you think about how your body is already doing something you didn’t ask it to do. you think about how some things start growing whether you’re ready or not. moon baek presses a kiss into your hair.
“you feel warm,” he murmurs.
“i’m fine,” you say. you cringe inwardly. it’s becoming a habit.
that night, you lie awake next to him. he falls asleep quickly. you don’t. your hand drifts to your stomach again. there’s nothing to feel. no movement. no proof. just the quiet knowledge.
you don’t feel like a mother. you don’t feel brave. you don’t feel blessed. you feel small. you feel unprepared. you feel like you’re standing at the edge of something massive and dark and unnamed.
your first thought still echoes. this can’t be happening right now. but it is. and somewhere inside you, something impossibly tiny has already begun.
─────
your apartment becomes a museum of small, ordinary love.
nothing about it looks extraordinary from the outside. a narrow kitchen. a couch with a sagging middle cushion. a bedroom that never quite stays tidy.
but everything inside it feels touched by him. moon baek hums when he cooks. not loudly. not on purpose. just a low, absent sound that slips out when he thinks no one is listening.
you stand in the doorway one evening, watching his back. sleeves rolled up. hair falling into his eyes. knife tapping softly against the cutting board in a slow, steady rhythm.
onions. garlic. something warm and familiar. the smell fills the apartment, curling around your ribs.
he looks thinner. you try not to stare. he pauses, glances over his shoulder.
“why are you lurking?”
“i’m not lurking.”
“you’re lurking.”
you shrug. he smiles anyway. the kind of smile that feels automatic. the kind you’ve memorized. he steps closer, still holding the knife, and leans down to press a quick kiss to your forehead. it’s careless. unceremonious. like breathing. like something that never occurred to either of you could ever stop.
“you hungry?” he asks.
“always.”
he nods, satisfied, and goes back to chopping. you almost tell him then. the words climb halfway up your throat. i’m pregnant. two lines. something is growing. a whole life.
you imagine how his face might look. surprise. disbelief. that slow, stunned smile he gets when something hits him late. you imagine him pulling you into his arms. you imagine warmth. stability. something solid.
but then he coughs. not loud. not dramatic. just once. into his sleeve. he turns slightly away when he does it. like he doesn’t want you to see.
your mouth closes. the words slide back down. you tell yourself — later.
─────
dinner is quiet. not awkward. not tense. just soft. the kind of quiet you earn after knowing someone long enough that silence feels companionable.
you sit cross-legged on the couch with your bowl balanced in your lap. moon baek sits beside you, shoulder pressed to yours. a show plays in the background. neither of you is really watching it.
halfway through eating, he reaches out and absentmindedly rubs your knee with his thumb. slow. unconscious. like muscle memory. your body reacts before your brain does. you lean into him.
he doesn’t comment. he just shifts slightly so you fit better.
you almost tell him again. the moment feels perfect. too perfect. you don’t want to puncture it.
─────
later, you stand at the sink washing dishes.
moon baek dries. he’s always been bad at it. leaves streaks. misses spots. you’ve learned not to care. at some point, his hands slide to your waist. he presses his chest to your back. resting. not demanding. just there.
his chin drops onto your shoulder. you feel his breath warm against your neck.
“you smell good,” he murmurs.
“it’s soap.”
“still counts.”
you smile despite yourself. you turn your head slightly. he kisses the side of your face. then your temple. then your forehead. soft. unthinking. like he’s marking you as his without ever saying it.
you almost tell him. the words hover right behind your teeth. but then you notice something purple blooming near his wrist. a bruise. you don’t remember him hurting himself.
“did you hit something?” you ask lightly.
he glances down.
“oh. probably. you know i’m clumsy.”
he says it too fast. you pretend to believe him. you don’t want to ask more.
─────
at night, you lie in bed together.
moon baek scrolls on his phone. you face the ceiling. the dark makes everything louder. your thoughts. your heartbeat. your fear.
he rolls onto his side. drapes an arm over your waist. pulls you closer. his hand slips under your shirt, resting warm and familiar against your skin. not roaming. not searching. just holding. his thumb traces slow, lazy circles.
you almost tell him. you almost turn toward him and say it. i’m pregnant. we’re going to have a baby. our life is already changing.
but then he shifts. you feel how tired he is in the weight of his body. the way he settles like gravity is heavier than it used to be.
“you okay?” you whisper.
“yeah,” he says. a beat. “just tired.”
you swallow. so are you. that’s what you tell yourself.
─────
over the next few days, you start noticing patterns. small ones. the kind that only appear once you’re looking.
moon baek naps more. he comes home earlier. he winces when he stretches sometimes. he coughs more often. always turning away. always brushing it off.
“i’m fine,” becomes his favorite phrase.
you recognize it. you use it too.
one morning, you find another bruise on his thigh. another on his arm. you don’t remember seeing either before.
“are you anemic or something?” you joke weakly.
he snorts. “don’t diagnose me, webmd.”
you force a laugh. it sounds wrong.
─────
one evening, you stand in the bathroom holding the pregnancy test again. you took it out of the trash. cleaned it. dried it. you don’t know why. the lines are still there. unfaded. unforgiving.
you press a hand to your stomach. nothing feels different. you feel normal. too normal.
you walk back into the bedroom. moon baek is sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling on a t-shirt. you open your mouth. he looks up. smiles. that same familiar, gentle smile.
“hey,” he says.
hey. one syllable. everything inside you caves. you hide the test in the drawer. you sit beside him. he leans over and kisses your forehead. absentminded. automatic. like he’s done it a thousand times before. like he plans to do it a thousand more.
you swallow the truth. not because you don’t trust him. not because you don’t love him. but because something feels off. because the world feels thin. because you’re scared that if you say it out loud, everything else will fall apart faster.
you tell yourself you’ll wait. for a better moment. a calmer day. a time when he looks less tired. a time when nothing else feels wrong. you don’t know yet that better moments don’t announce themselves. they don’t come with music. they don’t glow. they look exactly like this.
a quiet apartment. a man who loves you. a fragile house holding more weight than it was ever built to carry. and you, standing inside it, holding a truth you don’t know how to place down gently.
─────
it happens on a tuesday. which feels cruel. nothing monumental is supposed to happen on a tuesday. tuesdays are for leftovers. for laundry you forget to switch over. for text messages that say on my way and mean nothing more than that.
you’re folding clothes when your phone rings. an unknown number. you almost ignore it. something in your chest tightens anyway.
“hello?”
there’s a pause. then a woman’s voice — calm. professional. too controlled. “is this moon baek’s emergency contact?”
your mouth goes dry. “yes.”
“there’s been an incident at his workplace. he collapsed. he’s conscious, but we’re transporting him to our medical center. you should come as soon as possible.”
the words feel prerecorded. like they’re meant for someone else.
“what happened?” you ask.
“i’m unable to provide details over the phone.”
of course. you hang up. you stand there. a sock slips from your hands and lands on the floor. you stare at it. your brain refuses to build a story.
collapsed could mean anything. fainted. low blood sugar. stress. people collapse all the time. you grab your keys. you forget your jacket. you don’t notice the cold.
─────
the hospital smells like bleach and overheated air. the doors slide open and swallow you whole. everything is too bright. too loud. too fast. you give his name at the front desk. they tell you to wait.
waiting feels violent. you pace. you sit. you stand again. every time a gurney passes, your heart stutters. finally, a nurse appears.
“are you here for moon baek?”
“yes.”
she gestures for you to follow. your legs feel disconnected from your body. like someone else is moving them. you expect to see blood. wires. machines. something dramatic.
instead, he’s sitting upright on a narrow bed. pale. sweaty. hair damp and clinging to his forehead. a thin blanket around his shoulders.
when he sees you, his face softens. immediately. like he’s embarrassed to be caught like this.
“hey,” he greets you softly.
hey. the word almost breaks you. you rush to him. your hands find his face. his arms. you check him for injuries you can’t see.
“what happened?” you whisper.
“i got dizzy,” he says. “then i was on the floor.”
“just dizzy?”
he shrugs. “guess so.”
you don’t believe him. but you nod anyway. a doctor comes in. young. serious. he introduces himself. asks moon baek questions. how long has he been feeling tired? any weight loss? appetite changes? night sweats? pain?
moon baek answers vaguely. you start answering for him.
“yes, he’s been exhausted.”
“yes, he’s lost some weight.”
“yes, he’s been bruising easily.”
moon baek shoots you a look. you ignore it. the doctor nods slowly. “we’re going to run some tests.”
bloodwork. a ct scan. possibly more imaging.
“just to be safe,” he adds.
you hate that phrase.
─────
hours pass. or minutes. time melts into something shapeless.
moon baek is wheeled away. you’re left with a plastic chair and a paper cup of water. you text his boss. you don’t tell anyone else. you don’t know what to say.
you stare at the vending machines. you don’t buy anything. your stomach twists. not nausea. something worse. instinct.
when he finally comes back, he looks smaller. like the hospital has already begun taking pieces of him. a nurse tapes something to his arm. another takes more blood. a different doctor appears. older. careful. too careful.
“we found some abnormalities,” he says.
your heart slams.
“what kind of abnormalities?” moon baek asks.
“we need to run additional tests.”
there it is again. need. not want. not maybe. need. they admit him overnight. you weren’t expecting that.
you say, “can i stay?”
they hesitate. then nod. they bring a stiff cot that pretends to be a bed. moon baek jokes about it. “five-star accommodations.”
you laugh too loudly.
that night, the hospital hums. machines beep. someone cries down the hall. a cart rattles past every hour. moon baek sleeps on and off. you don’t sleep at all. you watch his chest rise and fall. you memorize it. you think about the pregnancy test. you think about how your body is holding a secret. you think about how you might be losing him. you don’t allow yourself to finish that sentence.
─────
morning brings more doctors. more scans. more silence. they ask you to step outside while they talk to him. you don’t want to. moon baek squeezes your hand.
“it’s okay.”
it’s not. you sit in the hallway staring at a poster about handwashing. minutes stretch. finally, the door opens.
moon baek comes out first. his face is blank. not crying. not panicked. just emptied. the doctor follows. “we’d like to speak with both of you.”
they lead you into a small consultation room. no windows. just a table and four chairs. the doctor sits. you and moon baek sit across from him. he folds his hands.
“we found a mass.” your ears ring. “further imaging shows that it has spread to other areas.”
moon baek doesn’t move. you grab his hand.
“so… cancer?” you ask.
the doctor nods. “i’m very sorry.”
your brain refuses to cooperate.
“what stage?” moon baek asks, his voice an exhale.
the doctor inhales. “stage four.”
the words land like a dropped plate. sharp. irreversible. stage four means late. stage four means not good. stage four means something you don’t say out loud.
they talk about treatment options. chemotherapy. radiation. palliative care. clinical trials. none of it sounds real.
you stare at moon baek. he’s staring at the table. you can see his pulse in his neck. you want to scream. you want to throw something. you want to rewind time to coffee tasting wrong and fix everything.
instead, you sit there. you nod when appropriate. you don’t cry. not yet.
afterward, you’re alone again. in his hospital room. moon baek sits on the bed. you stand near the door like you don’t belong. this hospital isn’t yours. this diagnosis isn’t yours. but it feels like it’s carving you open anyway. he speaks first.
“i’m sorry.”
you shake your head violently. “don’t.”
“i didn’t mean to —”
“don’t,” you repeat. he looks up at you then. really looks. his eyes are glossy.
“i’m going to die,” he says quietly. something inside you splits.
“no,” you say.
he doesn’t argue. that’s worse. you cross the room and climb onto the bed. you wrap your arms around him. he holds you back. too tight. like if he lets go, he’ll disappear. you press your face into his shoulder.
your body is holding two impossible truths. moon baek is dying. and you are pregnant. you don’t say either one out loud. not yet.
you sit there. holding him. holding everything. in a hospital room that smells like bleach and endings.
─────
it starts with a notebook. a plain one. black cover. no design. no personalization.
you notice it on the coffee table one morning where his game controller usually lives. you almost move it. you don’t. later, you notice him writing in it. not journaling. not doodling. careful. deliberate. he writes slowly, like each word costs something.
you tell yourself it’s probably nothing. you are very good at telling yourself that. then you notice the sticky notes. one on the fridge. one on the bathroom mirror. one on the inside of the hall closet. short lines. capital letters.
bank login
email insurance portal
your stomach tightens.
one night, you wake up to the glow of his phone. the room is dark. the time on the clock reads 2:14 a.m. moon baek is sitting up in bed. not scrolling. not watching videos. typing.
you whisper his name. “baek?”
he flinches. like he forgot you were there.
“couldn’t sleep,” he says quickly.
“what are you doing?”
“just… stuff.”
he turns the phone screen slightly away. you hate that.
the next day, you find a folder on the dining table. a real, physical folder. inside are printed bank statements, copies of his id, medical paperwork, a list of contacts. at the top of the first page, in his handwriting, it reads, in case of emergency. and underneath is your name. written first.
your hands start shaking. you carry the folder into the bedroom. he’s sitting on the edge of the bed pulling on socks.
“what is this?” you ask.
he glances up. “oh. that.”
“that?”
“it’s just organizing.”
“for what?”
“life,” he says lightly. you don’t laugh.
“you’re not even forty,” you say.
“so?”
“so you don’t need an emergency death folder!”
he winces at the word death. good. you want him to feel how ugly it sounds.
he shrugs. “i don’t want things to be messy.”
“they won’t be messy.”
“you don’t know that.”
you drop the folder onto the bed. papers slide out. passwords. account numbers. instructions. what to cancel. what to keep. who to call. your chest starts burning.
“you need to stop this,” you say. he looks tired. not physically tired. something worse. resigned.
“i’m being practical.”
“you’re being morbid.”
“i’m being realistic.”
you laugh, sharp and ugly. “since when do you plan for funerals?”
“i’m not planning a funeral.”
“you’re planning your disappearance.”
silence. he looks down at his hands. they’re thinner than they used to be. you hate noticing.
“you’re supposed to fight,” you say, your voice cracking.
“i am.”
“then stop acting like you’re dying.”
the words come out louder than you meant. they bounce off the walls. hang there. moon baek lifts his head. his eyes aren’t angry. that’s worse. they’re calm. too calm.
“i am,” he replies softly. two words. no dramatics. no crying. no shaking. just fact.
something inside you shatters.
“no,” you say immediately. “no, you’re not.”
“yes, i am.”
“you don’t know that.”
“i do.” he picks up one of the papers. smooths it like it matters. “stage four doesn’t come with a lot of miracle endings.”
“you’re not a statistic.”
“i’m also not special,” he says gently. you hate how gentle he is. you want him to yell. you want him to deny it. you want him to pretend with you. instead, he looks at you like someone already halfway gone.
“i don’t want you to be stuck figuring things out alone,” he continues. “i don’t want you standing in some office crying because you don’t know my passwords.”
tears finally spill. you wipe them angrily. “i don’t want to stand anywhere without you.”
he stands. crosses the room. wraps his arms around you. careful. like he’s afraid of hurting you. like he’s already fragile. you bury your face in his chest. you can smell his soap. the familiar one. the one you buy automatically now.
“i’m scared,” you whisper.
“i know.”
“you’re not allowed to leave me.”
“i don’t get to decide that.”
you pull back. “you don’t get to decide anything?”
he hesitates. then adds, “i get to decide how prepared you are.”
that breaks you more than the diagnosis did.
─────
over the next week, the preparation escalates. he organizes his phone. creates labeled albums: us, friends, family, random. he spends hours scanning old photos. pictures from high school. from college. from before you. you watch him sitting at the table surrounded by printed memories.
sometimes he smiles. sometimes he doesn’t.
he starts giving things away. a jacket to his boss. a watch to a friend. a box of books to a coworker.
“they’ll appreciate them,” he says.
“they’re yours,” you insist.
he shrugs. “they don’t need to die with me.”
you slam a cabinet. “stop saying that word.”
he looks at you. really looks. “i need to say it,” he says quietly. “if i don’t say it, it feels like lying.”
you don’t respond. you go into the bathroom and lock the door. you slide down to the floor. you hold your stomach. you think about the baby. you think about how he doesn’t know. you think about how he’s already writing himself out of the future. you think about how you’re carrying a future he hasn’t been allowed to imagine yet.
you cry silently into a towel.
─────
that night, he crawls into bed beside you. careful again. like you might break.
“i’m not giving up,” he says into the dark. “i just… need to be honest about what’s possible.”
you stare at the ceiling.
“i don’t want honesty,” you say. “i want you.”
he turns toward you. presses his forehead to your temple. “i know.”
you almost tell him. i’m pregnant. you’re going to be a father. you still matter here.
the words burn. you swallow them. because if he already believes he’s dying, a baby won’t feel like hope. it will feel like another thing he’s failing at.
so you let him prepare. you let him organize his life like a man planning an exit. you lie beside him every night, pretending you’re not memorizing the weight of his arm. pretending you’re not counting how many breaths fit between each heartbeat.
love doesn’t get lighter. it gets heavier. it becomes something you carry with both arms, shaking, afraid to drop. and you are carrying more than he knows.
─────
you don’t tell him on a good day. there aren’t any. you don’t tell him during a quiet, romantic moment. you don’t tell him gently. you tell him because you break.
it happens in the kitchen. of all places. moon baek is standing at the counter, flipping through his notebook. the black one. he’s adding something. you don’t ask what. you already know.
you’re sitting at the small table, staring at nothing. your head feels full. your chest feels too tight for your lungs. he clears his throat. “i called the bank today.”
you close your eyes. “okay.”
“i’m switching you to the primary on my account.”
your heart stutters. “you don’t need to do that.”
“i want to.”
“you don’t need to do any of this.”
he looks up. “i do.”
“no, you don’t,” you snap. he blinks. you rarely snap.
“i’m not doing this to hurt you.”
“it is hurting me.”
silence stretches. he sets the notebook down slowly. “i’m trying to take care of you.”
“i don’t need you to take care of me like i’m already alone.”
his jaw tightens. “that’s not what this is.”
“then what is it?” you demand. he exhales.
“this is me accepting reality.”
you laugh. it comes out wrong. brittle. “your version of reality is you disappearing.”
“that’s what’s happening.”
“no. that’s what you’re assuming.”
“it’s what the doctors said is likely.”
“likely isn’t definite.”
“it’s close enough.”
something inside you cracks. “stop talking like you’re already dead.”
he doesn’t raise his voice. “i am dying.”
there it is again. casual. certain. like he’s discussing weather. you stand up so fast your chair scrapes loudly against the floor.
“you don’t get to decide that.”
“i didn’t decide it. it happened.”
“you don’t get to leave me,” you shout. he flinches. good. you want him to feel it.
“you don’t get to start organizing your death like it’s a project,” you continue. “you don’t get to make me watch you pack yourself away.”
“i’m trying to make this easier.”
“there is nothing easy about this!”
your vision blurs. you press your hands to your face. your body is shaking. “i can’t do this,” you sob. “i can’t do this alone.”
he steps toward you. “you’re not alone.”
“i am,” you say. the word feels huge. you don’t plan to say anything else. you don’t plan to tell him. but your mouth opens anyway. “i’m pregnant.”
the world stops. not metaphorically. it genuinely feels like everything freezes. moon baek stares at you. you stare back. your heart is pounding so hard you feel dizzy.
“what?” he whispers.
“i’m pregnant,” you repeat. your voice sounds foreign. small.
he doesn’t move. doesn’t speak. doesn’t blink. for a terrifying moment, you think he didn’t hear you.
“i didn’t know how to tell you,” you rush. “i found out before… before everything. i was going to wait. i thought there would be a better time. there isn’t a better time.”
his knees bend. he doesn’t fall. but he sinks into the chair behind him like gravity suddenly doubled. he runs a hand over his face. then both hands. then he starts laughing. not happy. not hysterical. broken. a sound that keeps cracking in half.
“you’re joking,” he says weakly.
you shake your head. “i took three tests.”
he looks at your stomach. like he expects to see something. there’s nothing to see. “i —” he swallows hard. “i don’t deserve this.”
“that’s a weird thing to say.”
“i’m serious.” tears finally spill down his face. “i don’t deserve to be someone’s dad when i’m not going to be here.”
your heart caves. “you don’t know that.”
“i do.”
“no, you don’t.”
he stands abruptly. starts pacing. dragging his hands through his hair. “i can’t leave you with this,” he says. “i can’t leave you with a baby and a dead boyfriend.”
“stop calling yourself dead!”
“it’s what’s going to happen!”
“you don’t know that!”
he turns on you. eyes red. voice shaking. “i’m stage four. what part of that sounds survivable to you?”
“all of it,” you snap. “because you’re still breathing.”
silence crashes down. he looks wrecked.
“i don’t want to ruin your life twice,” he whispers.
“you’re not ruining my life.”
“i already did. you’re stuck with me, and now you’re stuck with this.”
“this isn’t being stuck,” you say fiercely. “this is our baby.”
he squeezes his eyes shut. “i can’t even take care of myself.”
“you don’t have to do everything.”
“i won’t get to do anything,” he says. “i won’t get to watch them grow. i won’t get to teach them how to ride a bike. i won’t get to scare their first partner away.”
despite everything, a weak, broken laugh slips out of you. he lets out a sob. you cross the room and grab his face. force him to look at you.
“you’re here,” you say. “right now. that matters.”
he shakes his head. “it’s not enough.”
“it’s everything.”
he collapses into you. full-body. like he’s been holding himself upright with sheer will. you wrap your arms around him. he cries into your shoulder. you cry into his hair. neither of you look strong. neither of you feel brave. you are two terrified people clinging to each other in a collapsing world.
“i’m keeping the baby,” you whisper. he pulls back slightly. looks at you.
“you don’t have to.”
“i know.”
“you don’t owe me this.”
“i’m not doing it for you,” you assure him. “i’m doing it because i want to. because i already love them.”
his face crumples. “i don’t want to leave you.”
“i don’t want you to either.”
he presses his forehead to yours. “i’m scared.”
“me too.”
you stand there. in the wreckage. in the truth. in a future that doesn’t look like anything you planned. moon baek cups your stomach. hesitant. loke he’s afraid to touch hope.
“i’m sorry,” he whispers.
“for what?”
“for loving you enough to make this hurt.”
you shake your head. “i don’t regret loving you,” you say. “not for a second.”
he closes his eyes. for the first time since his diagnosis, he doesn’t talk about dying. he just holds you. and your stomach. and the impossible life growing between you.
─────
the hospital smells like antiseptic and old coffee and something metallic you can’t name. it clings to your clothes, your hair, and the inside of your mouth. you think it will follow you home.
you walk in together, but not side by side. there’s a few inches of space between you, the kind that exists when two people are carrying different weights and don’t know how to share them without dropping something important.
the front desk clerk looks up, then back down. names are exchanged. clipboards slide across the counter. pens click. everything is ordinary. that’s what unsettles you most.
you sit together for a moment before the hallway forks. oncology to the left. imaging to the right. the signs are polite, neutral, as if they aren’t directing people toward radically different versions of the future.
he reaches for your hand first. his fingers are colder than usual. you notice it immediately, the way you always notice changes in him before he does.
“you good?” he asks, like this is a grocery run, like you’re picking up milk and forgot your wallet. you nod. the nod feels rehearsed. convincing enough.
“you?” you ask.
he shrugs. a small movement. economical. he’s learned which gestures cost too much energy.
“same old,” he says, and you don’t correct him.
a nurse calls his name. another nurse calls yours. for a second, neither of you move. then he leans in, presses his forehead to yours. not a kiss. something quieter. something steadier.
“meet back here,” he says. “no disappearing.”
“as if i could,” you say, and he almost smiles.
almost.
─────
the ultrasound room is dim, deliberately calming. the lights are low, the walls a soft, nondescript color. there’s a screen mounted to your left, turned away for now, as if the machine itself understands suspense.
you lie back on the table. the paper crinkles beneath you, loud in the quiet room. the technician’s voice is gentle, practiced. she asks routine questions. dates. weeks. any pain. you answer automatically. the gel is cold when it touches your skin. you flinch despite yourself.
“sorry,” she says. “i know.”
you stare at the ceiling while she moves the probe, her eyes flicking between your belly and the screen. you try not to hold your breath, but you do anyway. your body has learned that stillness is sometimes the only way to survive waiting.
“there we go,” she murmurs. she turns the screen toward you. at first, it’s just shapes. shadows and light, indistinct. then she points, explaining contours, markers, things that sound more technical than miraculous.
“there,” she says. “that’s the heartbeat.”
the sound fills the room — fast, insistent, impossibly alive. it knocks the air out of your lungs. you hadn’t realized how braced you were until that moment, how tightly you’ve been holding yourself together, like if you loosened even slightly, everything might spill out. tears blur your vision, but you don’t wipe them away. you want to remember this clearly. the proof. the evidence.
the technician prints a picture for you, slides it into a thin sleeve. “looks good,” she says. “everything looks right on track.”
right on track. you wonder whose track she means.
─────
on the other side of the hospital, he sits in a vinyl chair with metal arms that dig into his elbows. the chemo ward is brighter than it should be, fluorescent lights buzzing faintly overhead. iv poles line the room like quiet sentinels.
a nurse tapes tubing to his arm with practiced ease. he watches her hands instead of her face. he’s always been better at watching what people do rather than what they say. the drip starts slow.
he feels it the way he always does — not pain exactly, but a spreading awareness, a heaviness settling into his bones. he closes his eyes and thinks of your hands. the way they rest over your stomach now, unconsciously, protectively, as if your body has become a shelter you’re both trying to believe in.
he counts breaths. not minutes. minutes are dangerous. across from him, an older man coughs into a paper mask. a woman with a shaved head laughs too loudly at something on her phone. life continues, stubborn and messy, even here.
he pulls his phone from his pocket, opens the photo you took last night. you’re half-asleep in it, curled toward him. his hand is on your belly, fingers splayed, reverent. he doesn’t remember placing it there. he just remembers waking up that way, like his body knew something his mind was still catching up to.
like prayer.
─────
you meet back in the hallway an hour later. he looks tired. the kind of tired that settles deep, behind the eyes. you look dazed, clutching a small envelope to your chest like it might run away.
neither of you asks how it went. you just stand there for a second, surrounded by linoleum floors and distant footsteps and the low murmur of other people’s lives intersecting and diverging. then he notices the envelope.
“hey,” he says softly. “you get…?”
you nod. open it. show him the picture. he studies it with an intensity that borders on fear. his thumb traces the edge of the plastic sleeve, careful not to touch the image itself, like it might be fragile in ways he doesn’t understand yet.
“that’s…” his voice cracks, just slightly. he clears his throat. “that’s real.”
“yeah,” you say. “they are.”
he exhales, long and shaky. pulls you into him, right there in the hallway, consequences and decorum be damned. his chin rests on the top of your head. you feel his breath warm against your hair. for a moment, the countdown quiets.
that night, back home, the world feels smaller. safer. the hospital doesn’t follow you inside, not completely. you lie in bed together, the lights off. the ultrasound photo rests on the nightstand. his medication bottle sits beside it, an unintentional altar.
he turns toward you and places his hand on your belly again, slow and deliberate this time. he doesn’t say anything. he doesn’t need to. you cover his hand with yours, feeling the rise and fall of his breath, the steady warmth of his palm.
every night, the same ritual. as if holding on tightly enough might keep time from doing what it always does. as if love, concentrated and quiet, could become its own kind of medicine.
─────
you find the notebook by accident.
it’s not hidden. that’s what makes it feel intentional. it sits on the corner of the kitchen table beneath a folded receipt and an unopened piece of mail, like it belongs there, like it’s always been part of the landscape of your shared life.
the cover is plain. black. softened at the edges already, even though it’s new. he must have bent it back once, absentmindedly, the way he does when he’s thinking too hard.
you don’t open it right away. you know better than that. you’ve learned, over time, which things are invitations and which are boundaries disguised as accidents. still, you pause. one hand resting on the table. the other hovering, uncertain.
you can hear him in the shower down the hall. water hitting tile. the low, familiar rhythm of it. proof of his presence. proof that you’re not alone in this house full of ticking clocks.
you open the notebook. just the first page. at the top, written carefully, almost reverently, is a title — names. below it, one line. only one.
the letters are neat but not rigid, as if he rewrote it once or twice before committing. you recognize his handwriting immediately — the slight slant, the way certain letters lean toward each other like they’re sharing a secret.
you read the name. your breath catches, sharp and quiet. it’s not something trendy. not something flashy. it’s simple. steady. a name that sounds like it would belong to someone who survives things. someone who grows into themselves slowly and solidly. someone real.
you close the notebook gently, exactly the way you found it. you slide the receipt back into place. you leave the mail unopened.
by the time he comes into the kitchen, hair damp, sleeves pushed up, you’re already standing at the counter pretending to debate tea versus coffee like the decision matters. he watches you for a moment too long. you feel it. you always do.
“you okay?” he asks. you nod. too quickly, maybe. you slow it down, correct yourself.
“yeah. just tired.”
“me too,” he says, but his eyes flick to the table. to the notebook. then back to you. something passes between you — recognition, possibly. or mutual restraint.
he doesn’t mention it. neither do you.
─────
the list becomes a quiet presence after that.
you notice him adding to it without adding to it. he’ll sit at the table with the notebook open, pen resting in his hand, staring at the page like it might speak first if he waits long enough. sometimes he’ll write a letter, then cross it out. sometimes he’ll close the notebook with a sigh that sounds heavier than it should. sometimes he only touches the cover, thumb brushing over the edge, as if checking that it’s still there.
you don’t ask. you start noticing names everywhere instead. on tv credits. in books. on flyers taped crookedly to telephone poles. you test them silently, rolling them around in your mind, holding each one up to the future like a garment you’re not sure will fit.
you wonder if he’s doing the same thing. if the one name on the list is a placeholder or a promise.
at night, when he holds your belly, his hand warm and steady, you feel him sometimes hesitate — like he’s listening for something. like he’s already speaking to someone you haven’t met yet.
“what are you thinking about?” you ask once, softly, in the dark. he exhales through his nose. a sound halfway between a laugh and a surrender.
“nothing,” he says. you don’t believe him. but you let it go. because some things are still forming. because naming something makes it more real, and real things can be taken away.
so you pretend not to notice the notebook. you pretend not to notice the way his voice changes when he talks about the future now — careful, but not empty. hopeful, but disciplined.
you pretend not to notice how he looks at you sometimes, like he’s memorizing you against the possibility of loss. and in return, he pretends not to notice that you already know the name. that it has already begun to take root inside you, quiet and resilient, waiting for the moment it will be spoken aloud.
he flinches when the baby kicks. not from fear. from grief. “i won’t see who they become.”
you answer, “you’ll be who they come from.”
─────
you don’t mean to find them.
his phone is on the kitchen counter, plugged in, face-up. that alone is unusual — he’s careful with it, almost superstitious. you’re wiping the counter, moving things back into their places, trying to impose some order on a life that keeps slipping out of alignment.
the screen lights up when you brush it. a notification bar. a file name half-visible.
you freeze. you tell yourself not to look. you tell yourself this is one of those lines you don’t cross if you want to keep breathing normally. but curiosity isn’t the right word for what pulls you closer. it’s instinct. the same one that makes you wake in the night and count his breaths. the same one that rests your hand over your belly before you’re fully conscious.
you unlock the phone. the folder is labeled plainly. no poetry. no drama.
for later.
inside are videos. so many of them. dates. titles. some of them just say birthday — 10. others are more specific. graduation. first apartment. bad day. if you’re heartbroken. if i’m not there.
your chest tightens, sharp and sudden, like your body has realized something before your mind is ready to catch up. he planned. not for survival. for absence.
you sit down slowly, like your legs might give out if you don’t. the kitchen chair feels too solid, too real, beneath you. the house is quiet — no shower running, no tv noise. just the low hum of the refrigerator and the sound of your pulse in your ears.
you scroll. there’s a whole life here.
messages for milestones he’s already decided he won’t see. advice about things he had never figured out himself. jokes you can recognize even without sound — the tilt of his head, the familiar shape of his smile frozen in thumbnail previews.
he recorded them carefully. same framing. same spot on the couch. same light coming in through the window. as if consistency might make this easier.
your hands shake. you tell yourself you won’t watch one. that finding them is already too much. that this is private, sacred, not meant for you yet. then you see a title that stops you cold.
if you ever wonder about her.
your throat closes. you tap it before you can stop yourself. the video opens. he’s sitting on the couch, back straight, hands folded loosely in his lap. he looks tired — but composed, the way he does when he’s trying not to scare anyone. his hair is a little longer than usual. his eyes are soft. he smiles at the camera like he’s looking at someone he loves.
“hey,” he says. his voice fills the kitchen, intimate and wrong in this space. “if you’re watching this, it means you’re old enough to ask questions.”
he pauses. breathes. “i want you to know something about your mom.”
you clamp a hand over your mouth.
“she’s the bravest person i’ve ever loved.”
your vision blurs instantly. tears spill over, hot and uncontrollable, streaking down your face and dripping onto your shirt. you don’t wipe them away. you can’t.
“she didn’t always feel brave,” he continues. “most days she thought she was just surviving. but that’s the thing — real bravery doesn’t look like confidence. it looks like getting up anyway. like staying gentle when the world keeps testing you.”
he swallows. you see it. the effort it takes.
“she carried you while everything else felt uncertain. she loved you before she ever knew who you’d be. she loved you when loving meant risking everything.”
your body folds in on itself. you stumble to the bedroom, phone clutched to your chest, and collapse onto the bed. you shove your face into a pillow to muffle the sound, but it still comes out — raw, broken sobs that shake your ribs and leave you gasping. on the screen, his voice keeps going, steady and warm.
“if you ever doubt yourself,” he says, “look at her. that’s where you come from.”
you don’t finish the video. you can’t. you lock the phone and place it carefully back on the counter, exactly where it was, like if you’re precise enough, you can undo what you’ve seen.
later, when he comes home, you act normal. you ask about his day. you nod in the right places. you laugh once, too loudly, and he looks at you strangely, but doesn’t press.
that night, when he reaches for you in the dark and rests his hand on your belly, you turn into him and cling harder than usual. he strokes your hair.
“you okay?” he murmurs.
you nod against his chest, throat too tight to speak. he has no idea that you’ve seen the life he’s been building in secret. the future he planned to leave behind. and as he falls asleep, breathing slow and even, you stay awake, staring into the dark, knowing that loving someone sometimes means carrying the weight of what they’re preparing to lose — alone.
─────
it happens at night. not because it’s romantic, but because night is when his body finally admits what the day lets it hide.
the room is dark except for the thin spill of light from the hallway. the sheets are twisted, kicked half off the bed. he’s lying on his side, knees drawn in slightly, like he’s trying to make himself smaller than the pain. you’re awake. you’ve been awake for hours.
you always know before he speaks — before he shifts, before his breathing changes — that something is coming. your body has learned his signals the way a shoreline learns tides.
“hey,” he says. his voice is rough. not loud enough to demand attention. just enough to confirm what you already know. you turn toward him immediately. your hand finds his arm, then his shoulder. he’s trembling. not violently, not dramatically — just enough that it makes your chest ache with recognition.
“i’m here,” you whisper.
he doesn’t answer right away. he stares at the wall, jaw tight, eyes glassy but focused. he looks older like this. stripped of performance. of deflection. of jokes.
there’s no ring box. no clearing of the throat. no preamble. he turns his head toward you, slow and deliberate, like the movement costs him something he has to budget carefully.
“marry me,” he says. two words. flat. steady. certain. not a question. not a plea. not hopeful. it’s said the way someone states a fact they’ve already accepted as true.
your heart stutters — not from surprise, but from recognition. as if some part of you has been waiting for this sentence specifically, rehearsing the answer long before it was spoken. you don’t cry. you don’t hesitate. you don’t ask about logistics, or timing, or what comes next.
“yes,” you say instantly. the word comes out clean. uncomplicated. like it’s been sitting at the back of your throat all along. “yes.”
he closes his eyes. just for a second. relief moves through him — not joy exactly, not celebration, but something deeper and quieter. like a knot finally loosening. like a task being completed.
“okay,” he murmurs. you shift closer, careful not to jostle him. you slide your arm around his middle, press your forehead to his chest. his heartbeat is uneven beneath your ear, but it’s there. real. present.
“we don’t need a ring,” you say softly, not because he’s apologized, but because you can feel the absence of it sitting between you like an unspoken failure.
“i know,” he says. “i’ll get you one. or not. whatever you want.”
“this is enough,” you tell him. and you mean it.
he exhales, shaky. his hand finds yours under the covers, fingers threading together with effortful precision, like he’s afraid if he moves too fast, the moment might fracture.
“i just —” he stops. swallows. tries again. “i want it to be true. even if everything else —” he trails off.
you tighten your grip. “it’s true,” you say. “it already is.”
he nods once. a small movement. sealed. you lie there together in the dark, listening to each other breathe. no grand declarations. no promises about forever that neither of you trust anymore. just this. consent. commitment. witness.
outside, the world keeps counting down. inside the bed, with his hand shaking slightly in yours, you choose each other anyway.
─────
the nurses move first.
not ceremoniously — just gently, like they’re rearranging a room to make space for something important. someone closes a curtain. someone else wipes down a counter that doesn’t really need it. plastic chairs are nudged into a loose semicircle. a vase of plastic flowers appears from somewhere you don’t question, their colors too bright, too permanent, and therefore exactly right.
it happens in a corner of the ward that smells faintly of soap, coffee, and antiseptic. the lights are softer here, dimmed as much as hospital lights ever are. a window shows a slice of sky, pale and undecided.
he sits up in the bed with effort. someone has helped him adjust the pillows, stacked just right so he can breathe without strain. he’s wearing his hoodie — the gray one, soft from overuse, sleeves pushed up because he hates the way fabric feels when he’s nervous. you’ve never loved a piece of clothing more.
you’re in a dress that isn’t yours. borrowed from a nurse who smiled too quickly when she offered it, like she didn’t trust herself to linger. it fits well enough. the fabric is simple, unassuming. it doesn’t try to be anything more than what it is. neither do you.
your shoes are flat. your hair is down. there’s no mirror, but you don’t need one. you know how you look — tired, real, steady. perfect.
one of the nurses clears her throat. another holds a clipboard she isn’t reading from. there’s no music. no aisle. just a few people who understand that this matters and don’t need it explained.
you stand close to him, close enough that your knees brush the edge of the bed. he reaches for your hand. his fingers are warm today, steadier than they were last night. you take that as a gift.
they ask the questions softly. do you — yes. do you— yes.
your voice doesn’t shake. neither does his. there’s something almost startling about that — how calm certainty can sound when it’s already survived fear. a nurse smiles. another blinks a little too hard. someone says the words that make it official, the ones that usually echo in big rooms but land just as powerfully here.
“you may —”
he doesn’t wait. he pulls you in carefully, mindful of tubes and space and limits. his forehead rests against yours. you breathe each other in. someone claps. someone laughs quietly. someone snaps a photo you don’t see.
plastic flowers frame the moment, absurd and sincere. witnesses in scrubs stand like guardians around a promise that doesn’t need embellishment. he squeezes your hand. you squeeze back.
there is no aisle to walk down afterward. no rice. no doors thrown open to a cheering crowd. just the two of you, married, in a room where endings are expected and beginnings are rare. and still— it is perfect.
─────
the pills come first. small, color-coded, lined up in a plastic cup like they’re pretending to be harmless. you learn their names without trying. you learn the schedule the way you once learned class timetables, then unlearned them when life rerouted you.
pain meds. something to help him sleep. something to help him wake up. the balance is delicate and constantly failing. soon, sleep takes more of him than waking does.
he drifts in and out like a tide that no longer checks the moon. some days, his eyes open only long enough to find you. other days, he’s gone for hours at a time, breathing slow and shallow, face relaxed in a way that looks peaceful until you remember why.
you sit with him anyway. you always sit. sometimes you read. sometimes you scroll your phone without absorbing anything. sometimes you just watch his chest rise and fall, counting without meaning to, as if numbers might still have authority here.
when he wakes, it’s brief. but he always asks the same thing.
“how’s the baby?”
not “are you okay?” not “what time is it?” not “how bad does it look today?” It's always the baby. you answer every time like it’s the first.
“good,” you say softly. “they’re good.”
and every time, something in him settles. his hand reaches for you by instinct now, even when coordination is hard. his fingers tremble, sometimes missing, sometimes brushing fabric instead of skin. you guide his hand gently, never correcting, never rushing.
you place it where it belongs. your stomach has rounded more now. proof. evidence. he touches it like he’s checking that gravity still works. like it’s an anchor.
“hey,” he murmurs once, eyes barely open. “still there?”
“yes,” you say, smiling even as your throat tightens. “still here.”
his thumb moves in a slow, uneven arc. he can’t manage the full spread of his palm anymore, but he tries. always tries.
some days, he talks. fragments, mostly. half-sentences. memories that don’t finish themselves. he tells you about a song he loved once. about a jacket he lost years ago. about how he thinks the baby will have your eyes, even though he’s never been good at predicting things.
other days, he just breathes. on those days, you talk instead. you tell him about the baby’s growth. about the kicks that surprise you at night. about the future in careful, non-threatening language. you don’t say “when.” you don’t say “later.” you say “someday,” and let it sit.
even asleep, he reacts. a shift. a hum. a faint squeeze of your fingers. as if some part of him is still listening.
the nurses say his name softly now. they move slower around him. they look at you with a tenderness that feels like a warning. you don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.
at night, you curl beside him as best you can, careful of wires and space and rules. his hand rests on your stomach again, lighter than before but no less intentional. sometimes it slips away while he sleeps. you place it back. over and over.
because even as he starts slipping — out of time, out of clarity, out of the version of the world that requires strength — this remains. his love, reduced to touch. his certainty, reduced to one question. and you, holding both, learning how to stay when staying is the hardest thing left.
─────
the room is dimmed more than usual.
not because anyone said anything — just because everyone knows. the lights are low, the machines muted to the softest hum they can manage without going silent. the window shows a slice of night sky, moon-pale and steady, like it has nowhere else to be.
you know. he knows.
there is no moment where it becomes official. no sentence that marks the shift. it’s just there, settled between you like something set down gently after being carried too far.
you sit beside the bed for a long time before you lie down. you watch his face while he sleeps — or something close to sleep. his breathing is uneven but calm. his brow isn’t furrowed anymore. the pain meds have softened the sharp edges, leaving him quieter, lighter.
he wakes when you move. his eyes find you immediately. they always do. even now, when so much else has slipped loose.
“hey,” he murmurs.
“hey,” you answer. your voice doesn’t break. you’re past that now. you’re in the place beyond panic, beyond bargaining. everything sharp has already happened.
you climb into the bed beside him carefully, navigating rails and wires and space that was never meant for this. a nurse helps without being asked, then leaves without a word. the curtain is drawn, but not closed all the way. a kindness. a witness that doesn’t intrude.
you lie on your side, facing him. his hand finds yours. it takes effort. you feel the tremor, the weakness, the determination. you wrap your fingers around his, firm and sure, lending him what he no longer has.
he breathes for a while. then, very quietly, like he would rather not disturb the night, he says, “tell them i loved them first.”
not “take care of them.” not “be strong.” not “i’m sorry.” just that. you nod. he can’t see it clearly, but you nod anyway, like your body understands vows better than words.
“i will,” you assure him. “i promise.”
a faint smile touches his mouth. not relief. not happiness. recognition. you shift closer. his forehead rests against yours. his breath is warm, shallow. you match it for as long as you can, like if you keep the rhythm steady enough, he’ll stay with you.
your other hand rests over your stomach. his thumb moves once against your knuckles. barely there. enough. the minutes stretch. or maybe they don’t. time has stopped behaving normally.
at some point, his breathing changes. you notice immediately. of course you do. you don’t call anyone. you don’t move. you just hold his hand and stay exactly where you are.
when it happens, it’s quiet. no gasp. no struggle. just the gentle absence of the next breath. you wait anyway. one count. two. three. then you press your forehead to his and close your eyes.
he dies holding your hand.
later, someone will come in softly. they will say his name. they will tell you they’re sorry. they will give you time. but for now, it’s just you, the steady moonlight, and the weight of his hand still warm in yours.
and what remains— love, spoken once, and carried forward.
─────
the first contraction wakes you from sleep.
not gently. not gradually. it grabs you low and hard, a tightening that steals your breath and leaves behind a sharp, unmistakable certainty. this is it.
you sit up slowly, one hand already on your stomach, the other braced against the mattress. the room is dark. quiet. empty in the way it’s been empty since him — but different now. charged. awake.
another wave rolls through you before you can fully stand. you gasp. not from fear. from recognition. from the body finally doing the thing it has been preparing for without asking your permission.
by the time you reach the hospital, the world has narrowed. lights smear. sounds stretch and compress. time turns elastic, snapping forward and back between contractions. nurses speak calmly. hands guide you. someone says your name like it belongs to a version of you that still exists.
you scream. the first time, it surprises you. the sound rips out of your chest, raw and uncontained. it doesn’t feel like pain alone. it feels like pressure and memory and grief all colliding in one place with nowhere else to go.
you scream again. and again. not just because your body is splitting itself open to make room for new life — but because he is not there. because he should be. because this was supposed to be ours.
between contractions, you sob. your forehead presses into a pillow. your fingers claw at sheets. you feel untethered, feral, stripped down to something ancient and shaking. and then, without thinking, you say his name.
just once. a whisper. it slips out on an exhale, soft and desperate, like calling into the dark. you say it again during the next contraction. and the next.
his name becomes a rhythm. an anchor. something to hold onto when your body forgets how to be anything but fire and force. the nurses don’t comment. they let you have it.
hours blur together. pain comes and goes in waves that you stop fighting and start riding. you learn the shape of it. you learn where to breathe. where to yield. you survive each contraction by imagining his hand in yours.
steady. certain. present.
when the final moment comes, it is overwhelming — but it is also brief. a pressure, a release, a sound that is not yours. a cry. sharp. alive. insistent.
the room changes instantly. air rushes back into your lungs. someone is speaking quickly now. someone is laughing softly. someone places a small, warm weight against your chest.
you look down. they are real. red and perfect and furious at the world, fists clenched, lungs working like they mean it. you laugh and cry at the same time, the sound broken and unashamed.
“hi,” you whisper. “hi.”
later — after the noise fades, after the room stills, after your body stops shaking — you are asked the question you’ve been carrying for months. the nurse smiles gently. clipboard ready.
“and the name?”
your throat tightens. you don’t hesitate. you give them the name from his list. the one he wrote carefully. the one he never said out loud. the one he trusted you to carry forward.
the nurse repeats it, nods, writes it down. and just like that, it’s official. you press your lips to your baby’s forehead. you whisper the name again, just for them. just for him.
“i told them,” you murmur. “just like you asked.”
outside the window, the moon hangs full and quiet. inside the room, something new breathes. and love — changed, reshaped, enduring — remains.
─────
years later, the house is louder.
not chaotic — just lived in. footsteps on stairs. a backpack dropped where it doesn’t belong. the low hum of a dishwasher running in the background like a steady breath. life doing what it does best: continuing.
your child sits beside you on the couch, knees tucked up, chin resting on them. older now. all elbows and thoughtfulness. old enough to notice the way stories pause before the hard parts. old enough to ask questions that don’t have easy answers.
you hold the phone in both hands.
“this is him,” you say. not “your father” yet. not formally. just this.
they lean closer. the video opens.
moon baek appears on the screen, younger than you remember him ever being in real life. healthier. softer around the eyes. he’s sitting on the couch, the same one you still have, sunlight cutting across his shoulder in a way that feels impossibly specific.
he smiles. not wide. not showy. just… him.
“hey,” he says, like this is the most natural thing in the world. like he’s talking to someone he’s known forever. your child’s breath catches. just slightly.
moon baek shifts, folds his hands together. you recognize the movement immediately. the way he always did that when he wanted to be careful with the truth.
“i didn’t get to stay,” he says. no apology. no explanation. just the fact, laid down gently. “but i loved you enough for a lifetime anyway.”
silence follows. not empty — full. dense. your child doesn’t look at you. their eyes stay locked on the screen, like if they blink, he might disappear again. moon baek keeps talking — about small things. about being kind to their mom. about listening more than speaking. about how love doesn’t end just because someone does.
when the video ends, the screen goes dark. you don’t rush to fill the space. your child swallows.
“he looks… happy,” they say finally.
“he was,” you answer. and it’s true. they nod slowly, absorbing that. processing grief they inherited without asking for it. after a moment, they lean into you. shoulder against yours. familiar. easy.
“he loved me?” they ask. quiet, but steady. you wrap an arm around them, press your lips to their hair.
“before you were even born,” you say. “every day after that too. just… from a different distance.”
they sit with that. outside, the light is changing. afternoon sliding toward evening. the same moon will rise later, full or not, indifferent and faithful. you look at your child — this living continuation, this proof — and feel the shape of a life that broke and rebuilt itself around love.
moon baek didn’t get to stay. but he is here. in stories. in gestures. in the way your child smiles without realizing it. and in you — still carrying what remains.
love didn’t save him. love didn’t cure anything. love simply refused to disappear.
a wealthy heir who profits from manufacturing guilt selects an innocent man to carry another’s crimes, only to discover that the man’s girlfriend endures too quietly to be discarded. rather than eliminate her, he folds her into the architecture of his lie — protecting her absolutely, destroying her lover irrevocably, and claiming her compliance as the final, unbreakable proof of control.
park tae-joong
✸ let me see you soft
a lonely move turns into a quiet love when a small act of kindness leads to shared balconies, shared mornings, and a slow, tender bond between two neighbors. what begins with exchanged food and shy glances grows into a certainty that home isn’t a place — it’s the person waiting next door.
✸request: The way I ate this upp omg pls do a part 2 or something, I'm so interested in their relationship 🫶🏽
✸synopsis: you are absorbed into the life of a man who engineers reality itself after he destroys your lover not out of cruelty, but precision — mistaking your quiet endurance for something that can be owned, contained, and preserved. as safety replaces freedom and survival begins to look like consent, you have to wonder whether permanence is a prison — or simply what remains when escape was never truly possible.
✸an: lower case intended, no use of y/n, fem!reader / i hope i did part two justice! i felt like this was the only way this could go
[now playing: deer hunter — &team]
m.list
─────
you learn the architecture of yo-han’s world the way one learns a climate — by living inside it long enough for the body to adapt before the mind objects.
mornings arrive without urgency. light enters the rooms at calculated angles, diffused through glass that softens rather than brightens. there are no alarms unless you ask for them. when you do, they chime once, low and unobtrusive, as if embarrassed to interrupt. someone has learned the exact moment your sleep shifts from depth to surface.
you wake rested. that unsettles you more than fear ever did.
the space — residence, compound, you never settle on a name — is not extravagant in obvious ways. no gold. no excess. just space arranged so nothing collides. corners rounded. floors that absorb sound. windows that don’t frame views so much as curate them — city, sky, distance. always distance.
your clothes appear without being announced. not laid out. simply present in the wardrobe, tailored to your size, your posture, your preferences. fabrics that don’t itch. colors you gravitate toward without realizing you’ve been consistent. shoes already broken in at the heel, as if worn by someone else with your gait.
you check for cameras the first week. you find none. that does not reassure you.
breakfast is optional. so is lunch. dinner happens when you are hungry, not at a scheduled hour. if you skip meals, nothing happens. no comment. no concern. the refrigerator refills itself quietly overnight, items replaced with uncanny accuracy. the mug you always reach fo r— the one with the small hairline crack near the rim — returns cleaned, warmed slightly, as if anticipating your hands.
you tell yourself these are comforts designed to pacify. you also tell yourself they are working.
when you leave, there is no ceremony. no “be careful.” no reminder to return. a car is simply there when you step outside, its presence so natural it takes you three days to realize you’ve never seen it arrive. the driver never looks at you in the mirror. he knows where you’re going before you say it, but if you change your mind mid-route, he adjusts without comment.
you test this. you say a café name wrong on purpose — one that closed years ago. the car turns anyway. halfway there, your phone buzzes.
it reopened under new ownership. same address.
you stare at the screen, then at the street ahead, and say nothing. the café exists. of course it does.
you are allowed to travel. cities, if you want them. borders, too. passports appear in a drawer one morning, aligned perfectly, multiple citizenships you don’t remember earning. the escort changes depending on the location — sometimes visible, sometimes not. you are never told who they are. you are never introduced. you are never warned. you are never alone.
money becomes abstract. accounts you didn’t open fund themselves. cards work everywhere. limits do not exist unless you invent them. you could buy something obscene if you wanted to — property, silence, influence.
you don’t. instead, you take work. freelance. remote. something you can justify to yourself as continuity rather than reinvention. the contracts arrive vetted, fair, unintrusive. no nda’s that scream danger. no employers who ask personal questions. you deliver work. you are paid promptly. praise is polite, measured, forgettable.
you realize, eventually, that the work exists to give your days edges. without it, time would blur.
yo-han does not hover. that is perhaps the most unnerving part.
he is present without proximity. you feel him the way one feels pressure changes — doors open more easily when he’s in the building. conversations end more quickly. people choose words with greater care. when he enters a room, nothing dramatic happens. no one straightens. no one falls silent. the air simply rearranges itself around him.
sometimes you see him at night, a light on in another room, the quiet movement of a man who does not sleep so much as pause. sometimes days pass without a glimpse. he never asks where you’re going. he never asks what you’re thinking. you understand, slowly, that questions would be redundant.
weeks settle into pattern. the pattern settles into normalcy. that is when you begin to panic — not sharply, not visibly, but in the low, crawling way that feels like betrayal of something you promised yourself you would never accept.
you decide to make a wrong choice. not an escape attempt. that would be dramatic. predictable. too clean. you choose something inefficient.
you wake one morning and announce — casually, almost carelessly — that you want to drive yourself. no driver. no escort. you want a car from the street — something rented, something ordinary. you want to go somewhere pointless. a place with no relevance. a detour.
there is a pause. not from yo-han — he isn’t there — but from the world itself. a fraction of a second where nothing resists you, and nothing assists. then: permission.
keys are waiting downstairs. the car is forgettable. not armored. not special. the rental paperwork is already in the glove compartment, your name signed in ink you don’t remember applying.
you drive. traffic is worse than expected, and that feels promising. you miss a turn deliberately. you take a road that leads nowhere. you stop for gas at a station that smells like oil and burnt coffee. no one recognizes you. no one watches too closely. your chest loosens. just a little.
inside the convenience store, you make the second wrong choice. you argue with the cashier. it’s petty. meaningless. the price of something rings up wrong, and instead of waving it off, you press. your voice tightens. the exchange draws attention. a man behind you sighs loudly. the cashier stiffens.
for a moment — one fragile, dangerous moment — you feel friction. then the manager appears. apologetic. over-accommodating. the price is corrected. you are offered a discount. a free drink. the cashier looks relieved rather than angry, as if the reprimand was diverted somewhere else entirely.
you leave with the wrongness dissolving behind you.
back in the car, your phone buzzes again.
that location has had staffing issues. they won’t be a problem anymore.
you pull over. your hands shake — not violently, not enough to be seen — but you press them flat against the steering wheel until the tremor subsides. you understand now. not fully, but enough. the system does not correct you. it corrects around you.
by the time you return, the day has smoothed itself back into silence. dinner is ready, warm but not steaming, timed to your arrival. the apartment smells faintly of something grounding — wood, tea, nothing you can name. yo-han is there this time, standing near the window.
“you drove,” he notes. not a question.
“yes.”
he nods once, as if confirming a hypothesis. “did it help?”
you consider lying. you don’t.
“no.”
he accepts this without reaction. no triumph. no rebuke. just data received, processed, stored.
that night, lying in bed, you stare at the ceiling and realize the truth you have been circling all day. there is no wrong choice here. there is only choice that has already been prepared for — and choice that will be. and the safety you are wrapped in does not feel like shelter anymore. it feels like foresight.
─────
you start to understand yo-han the way one understands a storm that never quite breaks — by watching how the air changes before the first drop ever falls.
it begins with small things. things you don’t register as decisions.
you wake later one morning, not from exhaustion but from something dull and resistant lodged behind your ribs. a reluctance. you stay in bed an extra twenty minutes, staring at the ceiling, letting the quiet stretch too long. you expect — irrationally — for something to push back against that delay. a knock. a message. consequence. nothing comes.
when you finally rise, the room has shifted. not visibly. subtly. the light is dimmer than usual, the temperature slightly warmer. the coffee machine — silent — has not started on its own. you make it manually. the mug is still there, but the crack has been turned away from your mouth.
you didn’t ask for any of this. that’s what unsettles you.
you begin to notice the pattern after that. how the world seems to move half a step ahead of you, like someone finishing your sentences without interrupting. when you grow quieter, sound drains from the home. when you linger in doorways, transitions soften — doors open more slowly, elevators wait longer. when you skip dinner two nights in a row, the third night’s food is simpler. easier. something meant to be eaten without thinking.
you wonder, once, if this is kindness. you discard the thought as soon as it forms. kindness requires uncertainty. this does not.
yo-han watches you without looking. you’ll be sitting across a room from him — reading, scrolling, pretending not to be catalogued — and feel the moment he registers a shift. your breathing changes, just slightly. your shoulders tighten. you haven’t decided anything yet, but something in you has turned inward, defensive, preparing.
he does not comment. he adjusts the room instead. a light clicks off somewhere behind you. a screen dims. a conversation you didn’t realize was happening through a wall goes silent. the pressure inside your chest eases before you’ve named it.
that’s when you understand — he isn’t responding to your behavior. he’s responding to your thresholds.
you test this. not dramatically. not recklessly. you are not trying to be punished. you are trying to be seen.
the first test is silence. you stop speaking unless necessary. not cold. not hostile. just absent. you give one-word answers. you don’t ask questions. you let conversations die naturally, like fires deprived of oxygen.
yo-han does not fill the space. instead, people stop talking to you as much. meetings shorten. interactions become efficient, streamlined. no one pushes for more than you offer. silence becomes frictionless.
you feel yourself disappearing inside it — and hate how easy that feels.
the second test is withdrawal. you stop appearing where you are expected. you skip routines. you take longer routes home. you spend hours in places where no one would think to look for you — parks at odd hours, empty galleries, cafés that smell like nothing and remember no one.
you expect to feel pursued. you are not. instead, the city rearranges itself to cradle you. benches are empty when you arrive. lines shorten inexplicably. rain seems to hold off until you’re inside. you feel watched not like prey — but like weather being tracked on a screen.
yo-han does not ask where you’ve been. that is worse than being asked.
the third test is defiance. it’s mild. almost polite.
he suggests something — an event, a dinner, a timeline — and you say no. not sharply. just calmly. you hold his gaze when you do it, waiting for tension, for correction, for the snap of control finally revealing itself.
there is a pause. not hesitation. calculation.
“alright,” he says. the word lands without weight. no disappointment. no edge. later, you realize the event has been rescheduled. the dinner delayed. the timeline altered so that your refusal changes nothing — but also costs nothing. your defiance has been… integrated.
that night, you lie awake, cataloguing your own failures like evidence. you have not been punished. you have not been corrected. you have not even been warned. every boundary you press dissolves into accommodation. every sharp edge you offer is sanded smooth.
you begin to understand that this system does not need your compliance because it does not rely on force. force creates resistance. resistance creates noise. noise creates witnesses. this system absorbs.
yo-han finally addresses it — not directly, not as a confession, but as a statement of fact spoken into the air between you. “you don’t need to brace,” he says one evening, not looking at you. “i would notice before you did.”
your throat tightens. “notice what?”
“discomfort,” he replies. “fear. the moment before decision.”
you swallow. “and then?”
he turns to you then. really looks. “then i adjust.”
the simplicity of it steals your breath. you realize, with a cold clarity that settles deep and permanent, that resistance here is not dangerous because it will be crushed. resistance is dangerous because it will be learned. because every time you pull away, the system stretches with you. every time you push, it yields — just enough to map the force.
you are not being controlled. you are being studied. and the most terrifying truth of all takes shape quietly, without drama, without panic. there is nothing you can do inside this structure that has not already been planned for.
resistance is not punished. it is absorbed.
─────
you ask for the file on a day that feels deliberately unimportant. not during a breakdown. not after a nightmare. not after a wave of grief that demands meaning. the need rises quietly, like thirst — persistent, rational, impossible to ignore.
not for justice. not for restoration. not even for closure. just to know. you say his name once, evenly, “tae-joong.”
then you continue, “i want the records.”
yo-han doesn’t ask why. he nods, already standing, already moving toward one of the smaller rooms — no windows, muted light, the kind of space designed for information, not comfort. your phone loses signal as soon as you step inside. you notice. you always notice.
a tablet is placed in front of you.
“this is complete,” he says. “nothing curated. nothing hidden.”
that’s the warning. you touch the screen. it wakes instantly.
park tae-joong.
former inmate number.
case designation.
status: released.
the word doesn’t register at first. released. not overturned. not cleared. not exonerated. just released. time served. sentence completed. case closed by attrition, not truth.
you scroll. the early pages are familiar in structure — intake data, institutional language, documentation stripped of identity. photos that reduce him to angles and lighting and compliance. medical notes. behavioral assessments.
then the graphs change direction. stabilization. weight normalization. sleep improvement. psych evaluation: adapted. the word feels wrong. but real.
you keep scrolling. post-release data appears. sparse. civilian. unremarkable. new city. new job. no criminal associations. no incidents. no flagged behavior. no online footprint beyond necessity. there’s an address. not a facility. not a halfway house. an apartment in a quiet district near nothing important.
employment logs: warehouse work, then logistics coordination. night shifts. consistent hours. no gaps. you stop when you see a photo.
not a mugshot. surveillance, distant, grainy. he looks older. thinner in the face. hair longer. standing outside a corner grocery store with a paper bag in his hands. he’s wearing a jacket you don’t recognize. he looks… ordinary. not broken. not dramatic. not waiting. just existing.
you don’t realize you’re holding your breath until your lungs burn. yo-han hasn’t moved. he isn’t watching your face. he’s listening to your breathing.
you scroll again. no interviews. no lawsuits. no public statements. no attempts to reopen the case or activism. no noise. he didn’t fight the system. he exited it. chose disappearance over resistance. quiet over vengeance. survival over narrative.
there’s a line in the psychological summary that reads: subject exhibits no fixation on past case. displays future-oriented behavior. emotional affect regulated. no observable rumination.
moved on. not healed. not vindicated. but living.
you sit back slowly. the grief that rises in you is strange — not sharp, not consuming. it’s not loss. it’s distance. the ache of realizing someone you loved no longer exists in your life not because they died — but because they continued.
without you. without the story. without the need to be understood. you feel something else too. something smaller. quieter. relief not happiness or peace. but relief that his life is not defined by what was done to him.
there’s no judgment in yo-han’s voice. only recognition. you stare at the last entry. no further monitoring required. closed file. you understand the weight of that phrase now. not erased. not corrected. just finished.
you exhale slowly. and the realization settles into you — not violently, not dramatically, but with quiet, permanent clarity. your grief is not dangerous to Yo-han. but your hope would have been. because hope would have pulled outward. toward justice, exposure, disruption.
but this — this is quiet. this is acceptance without resolution. this is a man choosing a small, invisible life over a loud, impossible truth. this is survival without spectacle.
you close the file. the tablet goes dark. the room feels still, contained, controlled. yo-han doesn’t speak. he doesn’t need to. you understand now.
not everything broken becomes a weapon. not every injustice becomes a revolution. some people simply leave the story. and in that quiet exit, you realize the truth that settles heaviest of all — grief is safe. relief is manageable. distance is containable.
but hope — hope would have demanded change. and this world does not survive change. it survives silence.
─────
yo-han chooses the timing carefully.
not after the file. not during the quiet shock that followed it. he waits until your breathing has normalized, until your routines have reknit themselves around the new knowledge, until grief has finished settling into something livable. he understands pacing. he understands that people hear truth only after their bodies stop arguing with it.
the room is familiar — one of the neutral spaces, designed to leave no residue. no windows. matte surfaces. a table that absorbs reflection instead of returning it. the lights are set low enough to be gentle, and high enough to be clinical.
you sit. he remains standing. he does not frame this as a conversation.
“this isn’t an explanation,” he says, calmly. “and it isn’t justification.”
you don’t respond. you’ve learned when responses are irrelevant.
“i don’t need absolution,” he continues. “and i don’t ask forgiveness. those concepts are inefficient. they assume regret.”
he meets your eyes — not searching, not probing. measuring. “i’m telling you this because you will understand it.”
that lands heavier than comfort would have. he moves to the table, rests his hands on its edge, fingers spread slightly. not a claim. not a threat. a posture of emphasis.
“most people believe containment is about force,” he says. “bars. walls. violence. those are visible. they create resistance. resistance escalates.”
you think of prisons. of cells. of systems that grind loudly enough to be heard.
“that isn’t my work,” yo-han says. “my work is frictionless.”
he lets the word sit between you.
“i contain outcomes,” he continues. “i contain narratives. i contain people who would otherwise destabilize structures that keep far more people alive than they destroy.”
you wait for the moment when he speaks about morality. it doesn’t come.
“most people i contain,” he says, “believe they are dangerous because they are loud.” he shifts, finally sitting across from you. the distance between the chairs is deliberate. close enough for clarity. far enough to avoid intimacy. “they fight. they threaten. they rage. they announce themselves.” a pause. “they are easy.”
you swallow. you know this already. you’ve seen it. people who burn themselves out screaming at walls designed to absorb sound.
“you,” he says, and the word feels surgical, “are different.”
the room feels smaller — not because it has changed, but because you have been placed at its center.
“you are not dangerous because you fight,” yo-han continues evenly. “you are dangerous because you endure.”
your chest tightens — not in fear, but recognition.
“you adapt,” he says. “you absorb loss without leaking it outward. you restructure your life instead of freezing it at the moment of damage. you do not require witnesses.”
he watches you closely now — not your face, not your hands. your breathing. the way you hold yourself upright without rigidity.
“people like you,” he says, “do not collapse systems by attacking them. they erode them. quietly. over time. simply by continuing.”
yhe words settle into you like weight.
“you don’t seek justice,” he continues. “you seek stability. you don’t seek revenge. you seek function. you don’t demand truth. you learn to live beside its absence.”
you think of tae-joong. of the file. of the quiet life he chose. of how nothing exploded, and how devastating that was.
“that is why i didn’t remove you,” yo-han says. “and why i didn’t break you.”
you look at him then. “you think breaking me would have been easier.”
“yes,” he replies without hesitation. “and ineffective.”
silence stretches. it is not awkward. it is precise.
“broken people are unpredictable,” he continues. “they generate noise. they attract attention. they destabilize more than they should.”
his gaze sharpens slightly. “enduring people are far worse.” you feel something cold slide into place inside you — not fear, not anger. understanding. “enduring people remember,” he says. “they outlast. they adapt to containment and eventually make it obsolete.”
you exhale slowly.
“so you keep me close,” you reply.
“yes.”
“so you can watch me.”
“so i can adjust,” he corrects. the distinction matters to him. you understand why.
“if you were suffering loudly,” yo-han continues, “i would have intervened. if you were destructive, i would have ended it. if you were reckless, i would have redirected you.”
he pauses. his voice lowers — not in threat, but in gravity. “but you are none of those things.”
the room feels very still.
“you are surviving,” he says. “and survival, sustained long enough, becomes leverage.”
you feel the truth of it settle through you, heavy and undeniable. you have not been fighting this structure. you have been living inside it. learning its seams. adjusting to its pressure points without ever naming them. that is what he fears. that is why he is here.
“if you ever stopped enduring,” yo-han says calmly, “i would have to end you.”
there is no edge to the sentence. no warning in it. no emotion at all. you don’t flinch. you believe him instantly. because it doesn’t feel like a threat. it feels like maintenance. the way one replaces a failing component before it compromises the whole system. the way something valuable is removed not out of anger, but necessity.
yo-han watches your breathing steady again. he notes the absence of panic. the absence of denial.
“good,” he says quietly. “you understand.”
you do. and that understanding settles into you with terrifying clarity. you are not being kept because you are fragile. you are being kept because you are durable. and durability, in a world built on control, is the most dangerous trait of all.
─────
you notice yo-han’s fractures the way you noticed everyone else’s once — by accident first, then with intent. it isn’t announced. there is no moment where the illusion drops cleanly. just a pattern that fails to repeat.
you wake at night, and the light is still on in the adjacent room. not new. it has been on before. what’s different is the hour. and then the next night. and the one after that. the light moves, sometimes — desk to window to kitchen — but it never goes out.
you start keeping time without meaning to. he doesn’t sleep the way people do. he pauses. he goes still. he closes his eyes without surrendering consciousness, the way someone does in hostile territory. when he does sleep, it’s brief and unanchored — thirty minutes, forty-five, never long enough to enter rest. you recognize the signs because you’ve lived them before.
when he wakes, there’s no disorientation. just continuation.
food follows the same logic. you realize one afternoon that you haven’t seen him eat in days —not properly. coffee, yes. liquids. nutrition reduced to function. meals arrive untouched, cooling where they’re placed until someone quietly removes them again. no fuss. no comment.
you tell yourself it isn’t your concern. you tell yourself that noticing is not the same as responsibility. and then, without planning it, you ask, “have you eaten?”
he looks at you — not startled, not offended. curious.
“i don’t need to,” he says. the answer is factual, not defensive.
you nod. accept it. and later — casually, as if it’s incidental — you sit with food and don’t move until he joins you. you don’t invite him. you don’t insist. you simply occupy the space long enough that absence becomes inefficient.
he eats. not much. but enough.
you don’t comment. neither does he.
rhat’s how it begins. you start to see how much of yo-han’s control is not effortless, but maintained. the constant vigilance beneath the stillness. the way his attention never fully disengages, not even in silence. the way he listens even when nothing is being said.
you realize he is always working. not in bursts. not in crises. continuously. and that kind of control — sustained without interruption — comes at a cost.
you begin adjusting things without naming it. you draw curtains at night so the city doesn’t demand his attention. you lower the volume of rooms he doesn’t need to hear. you redirect conversations before they reach him when you sense the early signs of irritation — the tightening of his jaw, the fractional pause before response.
you don’t do this out of loyalty. you do it the way you once did it for tae-joong. the way you learned to do it for people who live too close to collapse without admitting it. stabilization as instinct.
yo-han notices, of course. he always notices. the first time he calls it out, it isn’t confrontational.
“you’re intervening,” he says mildly, one evening, as if naming the weather. you freeze for half a second. not in fear. in assessment.
“i didn’t mean to,” you say.
“i know.”
that’s the most unsettling part.
he lets it continue. that takes longer to register.
days pass. then weeks. you keep softening edges, absorbing noise, creating pauses where none existed. you learn the rhythm of his fatigue — the exact moment his attention thins, the way his patience shortens not with anger, but with narrowing focus.
you fill those gaps without instruction. he sleeps longer when you’re near. eats more regularly when you sit with him. delegates more efficiently when you reframe problems aloud, not as solutions, but as sequences. he listens. adjusts. incorporates.
you realize one night, standing in the kitchen while water boils, that his system has expanded to include you. not as an accessory. as infrastructure.
the thought should terrify you. instead, it feels inevitable. you test it — once. quietly. you stop intervening for a day. you don’t lower the lights. don’t redirect conversations. don’t anchor his schedule. you stay present but inert.
by evening, the house feels sharper. sounds carry farther. decisions stack without resolution. yo-han grows quieter — not outwardly strained, but denser, like pressure building under glass. he doesn’t ask for help. je never would.
you step back in before it fractures. that night, when the world settles again, you understand the truth with a cold, steady clarity — this isn’t something you took. it’s something he allowed.
he could have stopped it. redirected you. removed the access point. he knows exactly how to do that. he didn’t. because containment is easier when someone else shares the load. because vigilance, sustained alone, degrades. because you do for him what you have always done — quietly, efficiently, without demanding acknowledgment.
you stabilize him. and the most dangerous realization of all settles into place, heavy and irreversible — you are no longer being maintained. you are maintaining him. and yo-han — who plans for every variable, who eliminates every uncontrolled element — has chosen to let that happen.
which means this is no longer containment. it’s entanglement.
─────
yo-han does not ask lightly. you know this because of where he does it.
not in the common rooms. not in the places designed for ease or observation. he brings you into a smaller space — an operations room stripped of comfort, screens set flush into the walls, light calibrated for clarity rather than warmth. the air hums faintly, alive with data moving somewhere just beyond perception.
you are not escorted. that alone is a request.
he doesn’t sit immediately. he stands beside the table, hands behind his back, posture exact. the screens wake as you enter, blooming into maps, timelines, faces reduced to still images and identifiers.
“this is ongoing,” he says. no preamble. no framing. “and time-sensitive.”
you step closer without being told to.
he doesn’t explain the operation at first. he lets you look. you see movement patterns, supply routes, intercepted communications translated into clean lines of text. names you don’t know. places you’ve never been. the kind of violence that doesn’t announce itself until it’s already finished.
“this ends in loss,” yo-han says quietly. “that is unavoidable.”
you glance at him. he isn’t watching the screens. he’s watching you.
“what kind?” you ask. he inclines his head slightly. approval, not deference.
“collateral,” he says. “acceptable by current metrics.”
the word acceptable lands wrong in your body. you feel it register somewhere behind your ribs, tight and immovable. he notices.
“that reaction,” he says, “is why you’re here.”
he walks you through it then — methodical, precise. if he intervenes directly, the primary targets are neutralized quickly, cleanly. the cost is high but contained. if he delays, the structure weakens, spreads, destabilizes. more chaos. more unpredictable loss later. either way, people die.
he finishes and waits. not impatiently. not expectantly. just… open.
“what would you do?” he asks. the question is surgical. no demand hidden inside it. no trap. he isn’t asking you to justify his choices or carry his guilt. he isn’t asking for permission. he’s asking for perspective.
you look back at the screens. at the lives flattened into vectors and probabilities. you feel the old instinct rise — the one that looks for where the system bends, not where it breaks.
“i wouldn’t choose between these outcomes,” you say slowly. yo-han doesn’t interrupt. “i’d change the sequence,” you continue. “you’re treating this like a closed system. it isn’t.”
you point — not to the targets, but to the periphery. a supply node. a secondary contact. a delay that looks insignificant on paper but ripples outward in time.
“you intervene here,” you say. “quietly. you let this fracture internally instead of detonating it from the outside.”
he studies the spot you indicate. zooms in. runs projections in silence.
“it takes longer,” he notes.
“yes.”
“and the risk increases.”
“yes.”
his eyes flick back to you. “why do that?”
“because this the only thing that creates exits,” you reply. “for the people caught in the middle. for the ones who aren’t choosing this.”
silence stretches. not heavy. focused. you swallow. he considers this. not morally. structurally. he nods once. decisive.
“i’ll adjust the plan,” he says to the room. to someone unseen. to the system itself. the screens reconfigure. timelines shift. red markers fade to amber. some disappear entirely. you feel it then — the weight of it. not relief. responsibility.
yo-han turns to you. his gaze is unreadable — not grateful, not relieved.
“your perspective introduces inefficiency,” he says.
you brace.
“and adaptability,” he continues. “that is… valuable.”
the word lands heavier than praise ever could. he dismisses you without ceremony. the room powers down behind you as you leave, lights dimming like a held breath finally released.
later, alone, you sit with the knowledge. you don’t know their names. you’ll never see their faces again. they will move through their lives unaware of the narrow margin that targets them.
but you will know. and that knowing settles in your chest, dense and unmoving. because this wasn’t theoretical. this wasn’t a conversation. this was your first alteration.
the quiet truth presses in, unavoidable and terrifying — yo-han did not ask you what you thought. he asked you what you would change. and now that you have — there will be more.
─────
you are never asked to hurt anyone. that is how it stays clean.
yo-han does not put weapons in your hands. he does not show you blood. he does not ask you to decide who deserves to disappear. those decisions have already been made long before you enter the room.
what he asks for is quieter. language. timing. sequence.
you sit beside him — or across from him, or sometimes alone with access he pretends not to notice — and you help shape how events will be understood. not what happens, but how it lands. where the blame settles. how outrage moves through a population like weather, predictable if you know the pressure systems.
you learn to spot the inflection points. if this statement is released before dawn, anger turns inward. if it’s delayed until evening, it turns outward. if a name is withheld, curiosity replaces fury. if it’s leaked improperly, the public consumes it too fast to metabolize it into action.
you help frame narratives. not lies. that’s too crude. truths, arranged. you help predict reactions.
yo-han brings you profiles — analysts, journalists, minor officials, activists with just enough reach to matter. you study patterns — who needs moral clarity, who needs ambiguity, who collapses under attention, and who grows louder. you map their responses the way someone else might map fault lines.
“here,” you say once, pointing to a projected cascade of responses. “this person won’t escalate. they’ll withdraw. they always do when the ground shifts under them.”
yo-han adjusts the plan accordingly. someone is spared exposure. someone else absorbs it instead.
you help soften collateral damage. that’s the phrase you use when you need to sleep.
you suggest pauses. gradual disclosures. off-ramps that allow people to disengage without humiliation. you advocate for delays that look like inefficiency but prevent panic. you recommend silence where noise would be devastating.
every time, the outcome improves. fewer arrests. less chaos. reduced backlash. cleaner resolution. it works. that’s the problem.
you tell yourself it’s harm reduction. you tell yourself that if you weren’t here, someone colder would be doing this work. someone who wouldn’t hesitate. someone who wouldn’t bother adjusting the plan to save a handful of anonymous lives. you tell yourself you’re mitigating damage, not enabling it.
and yo-han never contradicts you. he doesn’t praise you either. he simply incorporates your input as if it were always meant to be there, as if the system has been waiting for this variable all along.
you notice how rarely he intervenes directly now. how often he asks, “what happens if we let this stand?” or, “who absorbs the cost if this goes public?” or, most dangerously, “what’s the quietest way through?”
you answer. you always answer. because the alternative — the unoptimized version, the blunt-force outcome — is worse. you can see it clearly. you’ve been trained to.
one night, much later, you are alone with an old file. not one he gives you. one you request. tae-joong’s name sits at the top of the screen.
you don’t open it immediately. your chest tightens, not with grief exactly, but with a familiar, creeping dread — the sense of recognizing something too late. when you do open it, the structure is unmistakable.
the sequence. the framing. the timing of disclosures. the way public opinion was guided, not pushed. the way doubt was seeded just deeply enough to metastasize. the way truth was never denied — only delayed, diluted, reframed until it no longer mattered.
you see it with terrifying clarity now — how his name became synonymous with guilt without ever being proven so. how each step was defensible. how every decision could be justified as necessary, strategic, regrettable but unavoidable. how no one had to touch him to destroy him.
you sit back, breath shallow. this is what you’ve been doing. not to him. not again. but to others whose names you will never know. people whose lives bend quietly under the weight of narratives shaped for efficiency rather than mercy.
you understand now why Yo-han was never defensive about tae-joong. why he allowed you grief but never hope. because hope would require admitting that this machine — this elegant, bloodless machine — can be wrong.
you close the file. the room feels colder, sharper, as if the air itself has learned something it can’t unlearn. you are not innocent. you never were. but this is the moment it crystallizes, heavy and irreversible — you now understand exactly how tae-joong was destroyed.
and worse — you understand it because you are capable of doing it too.
─────
yo-han asks the question without ceremony. no lead-up. no context. no operational urgency to hide behind.
it happens in the quiet aftermath of a completed cycle — screens dimmed, reports archived, the world outside temporarily stable because you both have bent it that way. you are standing near the window. he is behind you, far enough away to preserve distance, close enough that his presence feels structural.
“do you hate me?”
the words are precise. controlled. not emotional. that is what makes them dangerous.
you don’t turn around. not because you’re afraid to meet his eyes, but because you need the extra second the glass gives you — the faint reflection, the doubled image, the space to see yourself and him at once.
you don’t answer immediately. he doesn’t push. you realize, dimly, that this is the first time he has ever waited for something he can’t predict.
you search yourself honestly. not for the answer you should give. not for the one that would keep you safe. for the one that’s actually there.
hatred would be cleaner. hatred would imply separation. opposition. a line you could draw and defend. but what you feel is messier. more invasive. you exhale slowly.
“i don’t know,” you admit at last. and it’s true — but not the whole truth. you turn then, finally facing him. yo-han is watching you with an intensity you’ve only ever seen when a system is on the brink of failure — not panicked, not frantic, but perfectly, terrifyingly focused.
“i used to think hating you would be inevitable,” you continue. “like gravity. like something i could rely on to orient myself.” he doesn’t move. “but hate assumes distance,” you say quietly. “and i don’t think there is any left.”
the room feels suspended. even the low hum of the building seems to recede, as if the structure itself is listening.
“you didn’t force this,” you add, because accuracy matters. “you didn’t coerce me. you didn’t threaten me into becoming this version of myself.”
his jaw tightens — not defensively. acknowledging the point.
“you let me in,” you say. “you made space. you adjusted. you asked instead of ordered.” you swallow. your chest feels tight, crowded with a realization that has been circling for days, weeks, longer.
“and now,” you continue, voice steady despite everything, “i don’t know where i end and the system begins.”
that’s when you say it. the thing worse than hatred.
“i don’t know who i’d be without you anymore.”
the words fall into the room like something fragile breaking. yo-han goes very still. not the poised stillness you’re used to. not readiness. not vigilance.
rhis is different. his breath pauses — not stops, just misaligns. a fractional delay between inhale and exhale, as if his body has momentarily forgotten the sequence. his hands, usually so deliberate, remain half-open at his sides, fingers neither relaxed nor clenched.
you have seen him absorb threats. losses. failures. you have never seen him absorb this. because hatred could be contained. hatred would validate the structure. prove the boundaries still exist. but what you’ve given him instead is dependency — mirrored, unclean, impossible to categorize.
you watch understanding move through him in real time, slow and devastating. this wasn’t a test of your morality. it was a test of himself. to see whether he had crossed a line he never intended to approach. to see whether containment had quietly become integration.
“you’re saying,” he finally says, voice lower than before, carefully calibrated, “that removing me would destabilize you.”
“yes,” you answer. no hesitation.
“and that destabilization,” he says, eyes never leaving yours, “would make you dangerous.”
you nod once. “yes.”
silence stretches again — but this time it’s different. loaded. structural. like a load-bearing column has cracked and both of you can feel it. yo-han looks away first. it is the smallest movement. a recalibration. but you catch it.
you are no longer an external conscience. you are no longer a corrective influence. you are a variable embedded too deeply to remove without collapse. and as the room settles back into its controlled quiet, one truth hums beneath everything else, undeniable and newly terrifying — you don’t hate yo-han. and now he knows exactly how much that costs you both.
─────
you leave without spectacle. no alarms. no chase. no last look over your shoulder.
the exit is procedural — credentials that deactivate cleanly, a vehicle that does not linger, a route that dissolves behind you as if it had never existed. yo-han does not watch you go. you know this because if he were watching, you would feel it. the absence is deliberate. a courtesy. or a boundary.
the outside world meets you like noise. not sound exactly — overlap. too many inputs arriving without hierarchy. advertisements compete with sirens. people cross streets against signals that were never calibrated to them. conversations spill into each other, unresolved, uncontained. the air smells like heat and metal and impatience.
you flinch more than you expect. your body reaches for rhythms that aren’t there. predictive quiet. spaces that make room before you ask. systems that absorb error instead of punishing it.
here, inefficiency is worn like a badge of honor. you stay in places chosen for anonymity. hotels that smell like industrial detergent. cafés where no one remembers your order. streets where your face dissolves into a thousand others and no one tracks your breathing.
freedom is loud. you sleep badly. not from fear — from exposure. your nervous system keeps trying to optimize the room — catalog exits, mute extraneous sound, anticipate disruptions. there’s nothing to interface with. no structure to lean against. you wake exhausted.
on the third day, you watch an argument unfold at a bus stop. two strangers escalate over nothing — timing, space, perceived disrespect. no one intervenes until it tips too far. when it does, the intervention is clumsy. late. punitive instead of preventative.
you realize what you’re seeing isn’t chaos. it’s unmanaged human behavior. no buffers. no recalibration. just reaction stacked on reaction until damage becomes inevitable.
you used to think safety meant absence of control. now you understand it also means presence of care — even when that care is cold, even when it’s compromised.
you check the news too often. old habits. you see the subtle signs immediately — the places where yo-han’s hand could have steadied something and didn’t. the narratives that fracture instead of bend. the names that surface and burn too brightly, too fast.
by the end of the week, you stop pretending this is unfamiliar territory. you know exactly where you are. you’ve been here before — before systems, before containment, before someone noticed how you endure and decided to build around it. this version of you is functional, yes. alive. autonomous. but brittle.
you miss the silence between decisions. you miss the way rooms waited for you to finish thinking. you miss how consequences arrived softened, spaced, survivable. you miss gravity.
rhe decision forms without drama. no ultimatum. no revelation. just recognition. you return the same way you left — unannounced, unescorted. the perimeter reads you, hesitates, then yields. doors open because they still know your shape.
inside, everything feels smaller again. quieter. your breath evens out before you realize it has. yo-han isn’t waiting in the open. he never would be. he appears only after the system confirms what your body already knows. you are home.
he looks at you once. not searching. not relieved. acknowledging.
“you chose to return,” he stipulates.
“yes.”
a pause. he absorbs the data.
“why?” he asks — not to interrogate, but to calibrate.
you answer honestly. “because this place has weight.”
a faint, almost imperceptible shift passes through him. not satisfaction. something closer to gravity answering gravity. he inclines his head. acceptance, not triumph.
“you came back,” he confirms, voice soft.
“yes.”
not captured. not coerced. you chose the pull. and as the doors settle shut behind you, sealing the quiet back into place, you understand with unsettling clarity. irreversibility doesn’t arrive as a cage. it arrives as a door you know how to open and choose not to walk through again.
when you transfer to a new school, you expect to ignore kim hyeon — the golden boy everyone adores — but his quiet persistence and surprising kindness make him impossible to dislike. as you try to keep your distance while protecting your friends feelings, you slowly realize that the person you thought you hated is the one who stayed — and the one you can’t resist.
in a place built on illusion and borrowed affection, you become the one thing kaoru never planned for — something real. beneath the lights, the laughter, and the carefully practiced charm, a quiet connection takes root, blurring the line between performance and truth.
upon moving to a new school with your unlucky and cursed older brother, gyeon-u, you find yourself enveloped in a small, strange friend group. however, even with your stressed and worrying life, you find yourself drawn to the normal, cute, and social boy whose feelings are tangled with inexperience and infatuation. what could go right with you two? surprisingly, everything.
years after walking away from almost-love, fate brings him back into your life, steadier and softer than before. but the moment he looks at you, the past returns like a promise that was never truly broken.
ahh i didn’t know if i should comment, pm you or smth so i’m just gonna say it here lmao but i absolutely adore the variety of dramas on your masterlist! seriously you write about dramas no one else writes about or where there r barely fics about them lile taxi driver, nhc, revenge of others and d.p!!
just wanted to let you know how i love yoir fics in general too ^.^!
you navigate the fragile balance of love and protection as you grow close to ji-hoon, the brother of the fiercely protective ji-woo, learning that caring for someone doesn’t mean controlling them. through whispered warnings, soft touches, and quiet moments of trust, you discover that safety isn’t the absence of danger — it’s choosing each other anyway.
you are the child of a minor but influential mafia family, caught between ambition, loyalty, and personal freedom. seo do-young is from a rival mafia family, cold, brilliant, and feared. when both families face rising external threats, an arranged marriage is proposed to unite the two sides. sparks, tension, and danger ignite immediately as you navigate this world of crime, loyalty, and unexpected desire.
in the middle of an apocalypse, you and do soo-cheol fall into a quiet, instinctive partnership built on survival, trust, and the way you always choose each other in moments of fear. when you almost lose each other, the feelings you’ve been carrying unspoken finally surface, proving that even at the end of the world, something gentle can still grow.
jo jang-soo
✸ bf headcanons
jo jang-soo as your boyfriend
✸ fractured horizon
two young soldiers on a post-class patrol are thrown into chaos when a sphere entity breaches their sector, forcing co‑captain jo jang‑soo to finally reveal how deeply he cares for the one person he can’t afford to lose. in the wreckage of the battle — bloodied, breathless, and realizing how close you came to losing each other — you finally cross the line you’ve both been terrified to touch.
kwon il-ha
✸ rooftop embers
in a city overrun by deadly spheres, survival is everything — but kwon il-ha, and you find that the fiercest battles are fought not just against monsters, but against the pull between you. amid chaos, whispered confessions and stolen touches ignite a slow-burning desire neither can resist, even as danger closes in
wang tae-man
✸ a breath too close
it starts with an accident, sharp and sudden, and ends with a closeness neither of you meant to fall into. nothing is said outright between you — yet everything is tangible anyway.
jun-ho and ho-yeol knock on your door searching for your deserter brother, but jun-ho is shaken by an instant, inexplicable pull toward you. as duty forces him closer, he realizes you are the childhood “girlfriend” he lost at five years old — the first love he never forgot, now standing on the wrong side of his uniform.
✸request: hiii :)) i absolutely LOVE your writing and you're literally like, the only person who does cha woo-min 😭😭 i was wondering (if you want, no pressure!!) if you could do a piece of his character from 'love untangled'?? kim hyeon, unless i'm spelling that wrong… basically it would be transferstudent!reader who, as opposed to being infatuated with him, actually HATES him. ok, hates a strong word, but she just doesn't like him all that much based off of first impressions. he doesn't necessarily do anything bad, but she's just annoyed at how perfect he is that she's like...no, too good to be true. and he's obviously confused cause like...i literally didn't do anything to you??? idk im a sucker for tropes like that tbh and while he's getting invested/interested in her, she's actively trying to make him hate her. reader is friends with se-ri/her group and doesn't want to mess it up cause #girlcode. idk this has just been something rattling in my head so, sorry if it doesn't make any sense 😓😓
✸synopsis: when you transfer to a new school, you expect to ignore kim hyeon — the golden boy everyone adores — but his quiet persistence and surprising kindness make him impossible to dislike. as you try to keep your distance while protecting your friends feelings, you slowly realize that the person you thought you hated is the one who stayed — and the one you can’t resist.
✸content warnings: you being mean to a perfectly kind boy lmfao, miscommunication troupe
✸wc: 6.7k
✸an: lower case intended, no use of y/n, fem!reader / honestly, if cha woo-min went to my high school, i’d be annoyed at how perfect he is too
[now playing: from the start — good kid]
m.list
─────
you learn the social hierarchy within the first ten minutes.
it’s not written anywhere, of course — no chart, no announcement — but it hums through the classroom like static. the way conversations dip when certain people pass. the way chairs scrape just a little faster to make room. the way laughter gets louder, brighter, when he walks in.
you’re standing at the front of the room while the homeroom teacher flips through papers, squinting at your name like it might bite her. your bag hangs from one shoulder. you keep your posture relaxed, eyes moving, cataloging everything the way you always do when you enter unfamiliar territory.
clusters form naturally. athletes near the windows. the arts kids closer to the back. a group of girls whispering urgently, glancing past you instead of at you. you follow their line of sight. that’s when you see him.
kim hyeon isn’t doing anything remarkable. he’s just leaning against a desk, sleeves rolled up, laughing softly at something a guy next to him said. but the room bends around him anyway. people look at him like gravity has decided he’s the center today. you catch fragments.
“isn’t kim hyeon gorgeous?”
“he’s so nice.”
“i heard he helped a first-year with exams.”
“he’s literally perfect.”
perfect — the word lands wrong within your chest.
the teacher clears her throat. “class, we have a new transfer student joining us today.”
a few polite claps. a few openly curious stares. kim hyeon looks up then, attention sliding to you without effort. his eyes meet yours, and he smiles — easy, warm, practiced in the way smiles get when they’ve been well-received too many times.
it’s instinctive. you don’t smile back. not because you’re trying to make a point. not because you want to be rude. it just… doesn’t happen. something in your chest tightens, subtle but firm, like a door clicking shut.
you’ve seen this type before. the golden boy. the universally liked. the one everyone assumes is good because everyone agrees he is. nobody is that perfect without hiding something.
your name is written on the board. you bow slightly, introduce yourself, voice steady. you don’t linger. you don’t apologize for existing. you walk down the aisle when the teacher gestures to an empty seat— third row, near the middle, unfortunately close to him.
as you pass, you feel it — the pause. kim hyeon’s smile falters — not dramatically, just enough to notice. his eyebrows knit together for half a second, confusion flickering across his face before he smooths it away. you don’t look at him again. you sit. unzip your bag. take out a notebook.
behind you, the class exhales and resumes its quiet buzz. kim hyeon, however, keeps glancing your way. he doesn’t understand it. you can tell. he replays the moment in his head — the smile, the eye contact, the absence of response. he’s used to reactions. admiration, shyness, excitement, even annoyance. but indifference? rejection without reason? that’s new.
you feel his gaze like a question mark pressing between your shoulder blades. you ignore it, focusing instead on the sound of pens scratching paper, the faint smell of detergent on your sleeves, the rhythm of settling into a new place. still, something shifts. not loud. not dramatic. just the quiet awareness that for the first time in a long while, kim hyeon has met someone who didn’t fall in line — and he can’t stop wondering why.
and you, staring straight ahead, already know one thing for sure — you don’t trust him.
─────
kim hyeon doesn’t approach you right away. at first, it’s subtle — polite in the way he’s been taught to be polite. the kind of kindness that doesn’t demand anything in return. the kind everyone praises him for.
the next morning, you’re already seated when he arrives, flipping through your timetable, still mildly disoriented by the rhythm of a new school. he pauses beside your desk.
“good morning,” he declares easily.
you look up, skeptical. “morning.”
one word. flat. you go back to your paper. there’s a beat — barely a second — but it’s enough for him to hesitate before moving on. you feel it anyway, the slight delay, like someone expecting an echo that never comes.
later, during math, you realize you missed half of yesterday’s notes. you’re quietly copying from the board when a shadow falls over your desk. a notebook slides into view — neatly organized, handwriting precise without being stiff.
“i took extra notes yesterday,” kim hyeon says — voice low, so the teacher won’t hear. “you can borrow them.” you glance at the notebook. then back at him.
“no, it’s fine,” you say. “i’ll manage.”
you don’t say thank you. you don’t explain. you just push the notebook back gently, like returning something misplaced.
“oh — okay,” he replies, a little slower this time. you catch the faint crease between his brows before he straightens and steps away.
he spends the rest of the period distracted, tapping his pen once, then stopping. it’s not frustration — it’s confusion. you can see it in the way his eyes flick toward you, then away, like he’s checking for something that keeps failing to appear.
at lunch, he tries again. you’re sitting with se-ri and the rest of her group — seong-rae talking animatedly with his hands, sol-ji half-listening while scrolling on her phone, ha-yeong leaning into the conversation with quiet amusement. the table feels warm, familiar already. kim hyeon passes by with his friends. he slows when he sees you.
“hi,” he says, offering a small wave this time. less confident. more cautious.
“hi,” you answer, glancing away just as quickly as your greeting. nothing else. se-ri smiles back at him a little too brightly. seong-rae grins like he’s watching a show. kim hyeon nods, moves on.
behind him, the noise resumes — but softer. you don’t notice the way his shoulders tense, just slightly, as he walks away.
later that afternoon, he hears it by accident. they’re near the lockers, voices overlapping, careless in the way people get when they assume they aren’t being listened to.
“i heard the transfer girl doesn’t like kim hyeon.”
“what? why?”
“i don’t know. she’s always cold to him.”
“she doesn’t like him? that’s new.”
kim hyeon freezes mid-step. he doesn’t turn around. doesn’t interrupt. he just stands there, backpack strap clenched in his hand, heart thudding a little louder than it should. she doesn’t like you. the words loop, stubborn and sharp.
that night, he lies on his bed staring at the ceiling, replaying every interaction like a highlight reel gone wrong. did i come on too strong? was smiling weird? was lending notes rude somehow? did i say something wrong when i said good morning?
he thinks back to your face — neutral, observant, unreadable. not angry. not annoyed. just… closed. that’s what unsettles him the most. you didn’t reject him dramatically. you didn’t glare or scoff or snap. you simply didn’t let him in. and kim hyeon is not used to doors staying shut.
by the time he falls asleep, he’s made a quiet decision — not out of pride, not out of ego, but something gentler and more dangerous. he doesn’t need you to like him. but he does want to know why you don’t. and for the first time, instead of stepping back, kim hyeon leans in — curiosity sparking where certainty used to be.
─────
if there’s one thing you didn’t expect, it’s how easily this friend group lets you in.
it happens in pieces — small, unceremonious moments. se-ri saving you a seat without asking. seong-rae tossing you a snack like it’s the most natural thing in the world. sol-ji looping her arm through yours as you walk down the hall, ha-yeong nudging you into conversations so you don’t fade into the background.
you stop feeling like the transfer student and start feeling like you belong. that’s how you know it matters when se-ri asks if you want to walk home together.
it’s late afternoon, the sky washed pale blue, the air warm enough that jackets hang open and loose. the group splinters off one by one — seong-rae heading toward the arcade with friends, sol-ji dragged away by a phone call, ha-yeong promising to text later. it’s just you and se-ri now. she kicks a pebble down the sidewalk, hands clasped behind her back. she’s quieter than usual.
“you’re settling in well,” she says lightly. “i’m glad.”
“me too,” you reply honestly. and you are. you didn’t expect this place to feel so… safe. she hums, nodding, then stops walking altogether. you stop too.
“there’s something i wanted to tell you,” se-ri says. she doesn’t look at you when she speaks, staring instead at a crack in the pavement like it’s fascinating. “it’s kind of stupid.”
“it usually isn’t,” you say.
she laughs softly, nerves leaking through. “i like kim hyeon.”
the words don’t echo. they don’t crash. they just… land. heavy, certain.
“oh,” you say. it’s not jealousy that flares in your chest — it’s instinct. sharp and immediate. like a rule snapping into place.
se-ri rushes on, cheeks pink. “i mean — like, like-like. it’s just… he’s kind, and everyone likes him, and he feels safe to like? i don’t know. you don’t have to say anything.”
you already have. whatever vague, half-formed thoughts you hadn’t allowed yourself to examine dissolve on the spot. any curiosity. any irritation laced too closely with interest. gone. hands off. you smile at her — small but sincere. “he seems… fine,” you say carefully. “you should like whoever you want.”
relief softens her shoulders. she bumps yours lightly with her own. “thanks. i was worried it’d be awkward.”
“it won’t be,” you promise, and you mean it. later, when the group meets up again, you start noticing things you hadn’t before. the way yoon-seok watches se-ri when she laughs — not loud or obvious, but steady, like he’s memorizing it. the way he listens when she talks, even when seong-rae is being especially distracting. the way his gaze lingers on her a second too long before he looks away. he doesn’t look at kim hyeon once.
kim hyeon, on the other hand, looks at you. you catch it across the classroom. in the hallway. once, briefly, when you’re all gathered near the vending machines, and he passes by with his friends. this time, you don’t even meet his eyes. when he says your name softly, like he’s testing how it sounds, you pretend not to hear. when he offers a polite nod, you don’t return it. you keep your answers clipped. your tone cool. you don’t linger near him. you don’t give him anything to hold onto.
you tell yourself it’s the right thing. girl code isn’t something you say out loud — it’s something you live by. and se-ri trusted you enough to tell you how she felt. that matters more than curiosity. more than confusion. more than whatever unsettled feeling kim hyeon stirs just by existing too effortlessly.
so you draw a line. and if kim hyeon feels the chill when you pass him in the hall, if he pauses mid-step when you walk by without a glance — that’s just collateral. you’re not being cruel. you’re being careful. and this time, the distance between you and kim hyeon isn’t instinct.
it’s a choice.
─────
if kim hyeon insists on orbiting closer, you decide the only logical response is to make yourself actively unpleasant. not mean. not cruel. just… unappealing.
it starts small. during group discussion, when he offers to help a classmate who’s clearly struggling, you mutter — quietly, but not quietly enough — “you don’t have to save everyone, you know.”
the table goes silent for half a second. kim hyeon blinks, taken aback, then laughs softly. “i wasn’t trying to save anyone.”
“sure,” you say, not looking at him. “you’re just… being nice. again.”
there it is. the word. nice. you say it like it’s suspicious. like it comes with strings attached. he studies you for a moment, head tilted, like he’s looking at a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit where he thought it would. “is that a bad thing?”
“sometimes,” you reply, finally meeting his eyes. “it feels fake.”
that should do it. that should sting. that should make him defensive. instead, his lips twitch. “i promise i’m not that good at pretending.”
you scoff and turn away before he can see the irritation flicker across your face.
later, in the hallway, you roll your eyes openly when a group of first-years swarm him, giggling, asking about homework answers. you don’t even bother lowering your voice.
“unbelievable,” you mutter to se-ri. “does he come with a fan club?”
se-ri laughs, elbowing you gently. “you’re harsh.”
“realistic,” you correct.
kim hyeon definitely hears you this time. he glances over, amused more than anything, like your annoyance is a novelty he doesn’t quite know what to do with.
during science lab, when he reaches out to steady a beaker you’re holding — completely reasonably, because your sleeve almost knocks it over — you pull your arm back immediately. “i’ve got it.”
“i was just—”
“i said i’ve got it.”
he raises his hands in surrender, smiling. “okay. okay.”
that smile again. patient. easy. untouched. it’s infuriating. you can feel seong-rae watching all of this with barely contained glee. by lunchtime, he can’t hold it in anymore. he leans across the table, chin propped on his hand, eyes flicking between you and kim hyeon — who’s sitting two tables away today, very obviously pretending not to look in your direction.
“you know,” seong-rae says loudly, “you’re kind of iconic.”
you don’t look up from your food. “don’t.”
“you’re the only person in this entire school who actively dislikes kim hyeon.”
“i don’t dislike him.”
“mmm,” he hums. “you’re the only one brave enough to act like you do.”
sol-ji snorts. ha-yeong hides a smile behind her cup. even se-ri looks torn between amusement and confusion. across the room, kim hyeon finally looks over — and laughs. not a forced laugh. not awkward. a real one, shoulders shaking slightly, eyes crinkling at the corners. it’s like something clicks for him at that moment. like he’s stopped taking your coldness personally and started finding it… interesting.
your jaw tightens. that’s not how this is supposed to go. you were aiming for irritation. distance. maybe even offense. instead, he looks entertained. you stab at your food, appetite suddenly gone, annoyance curling sharp and hot in your chest. because somehow, impossibly, kim hyeon isn’t pulling away.
he’s leaning in. and the fact that he laughs — unbothered, curious, warm — makes you more irritated than if he’d gotten mad at you at all.
─────
the group project feels like a personal attack.
you stare at the names on the board as the teacher reads them aloud, already bracing yourself. when she reaches yours, there’s a split second of hope — quickly extinguished.
“kim hyeon.”
of course. you don’t react outwardly. you don’t sigh or groan or protest. you just nod once, like this is mildly inconvenient weather you’ll survive. kim hyeon, however, looks almost… relieved. like being paired with you is something he’s been curious about rather than dreading. that alone irritates you.
you meet after school in the library. it’s quiet in that particular way where every sound feels amplified — the soft hum of lights, pages turning, the distant thud of footsteps. you choose a table near the back, spreading your things out with deliberate precision, creating a physical boundary. kim hyeon sits across from you, respectful. careful.
“okay,” he says. “we can split the work evenly. i can take—”
“i’ll do the research,” you interrupt. “you can do the presentation.”
he pauses, then nods. “sure.”
no argument. no insistence on fairness. just acceptance. strike one against your carefully constructed image of him.
as the hour stretches on, you work mostly in silence. he types steadily, occasionally stopping to frown at his screen. at one point, you notice his foot bouncing under the table — fast, restless. you glance up. he’s chewing on the inside of his cheek, eyes flicking between two tabs, brow furrowed in a way that doesn’t look polished or charming. it looks… worried.
“you okay?” you ask before you can stop yourself.
he startles slightly. “yeah — yeah. just… trying to make sure this is good enough.”
“for a group project?” you say. “it’s not that serious.”
he exhales a small laugh, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “maybe not for you.”
that sticks. later, when you head to the printer, you pass another table. a first-year is sitting there alone, shoulders hunched, paper spread out like it’s mocking him. you slow instinctively — and then stop when you see kim hyeon already there.
he doesn’t notice you. he crouches slightly to be at eye level, voice low. “hey. do you want help with that formula?”
the boy hesitates, then nods. kim hyeon doesn’t take the paper from him. he doesn’t lecture. he just points, explains slowly, waits when the kid struggles. there’s no audience. no smiles aimed at passersby. no performance. just patience.
you stand there longer than you mean to. this wasn’t supposed to happen. he was supposed to be surface-level nice. conveniently kind. someone who thrived on approval. instead, you’re watching him worry about grades in a way that mirrors your own late-night spirals. you’re watching him be gentle when no one’s clapping for it. when he returns to the table, you pretend to be absorbed in your notes.
“sorry,” he apologizes quietly. “i didn’t mean to leave you.”
“it’s fine,” you reply. your voice comes out steadier than you feel.
he sits, glances at you, then at the neat stack of papers you’ve organized. “you’re really thorough.”
you shrug. “someone has to be.”
he smiles — but softer this time. not amused. not curious. just… real. something in your chest tightens.
on the walk home, your thoughts feel louder than the surrounding street. you replay the foot bouncing. the worried crease in his brow. the way he’d lowered his voice for the first-year, like kindness didn’t need witnesses. you slow to a stop at a crosswalk, staring at the red light.
you don’t hate kim hyeon. that realization lands heavier than anything else so far. what you hate — the thing that’s been scraping at you since day one — is that he isn’t fake. he isn’t flawless. he isn’t untouchable. he’s real. and that makes everything far more dangerous than if he’d been perfect after all.
─────
se-ri asks if you can come over after school. not in the casual, half-joking way she usually does — but quietly, almost carefully, like she’s afraid the words might change their meaning if she says them too loudly. you agree immediately.
her room smells like laundry detergent and peach candy. posters half-peeled from the walls. school bags dumped in the corner like they were dropped in a hurry. you sit cross-legged on the floor while she fiddles with a hair tie, looping it around her fingers again and again. she doesn’t speak right away. you let the silence breathe.
“i think i’m… confused,” she finally admits. you glance at her. she’s not smiling.
“about kim hyeon?” you ask gently.
she nods, but it’s slow. uncertain. “i thought i liked him. i mean — everyone does. he’s kind, he’s good-looking, he’s nice to everyone. liking him feels… easy.”
that word again. easy. she exhales and leans back against her bed. “but when i imagine actually being with him, it feels kind of flat. like i’m just borrowing a feeling instead of owning it.”
your chest tightens—not with jealousy, but recognition.
“and yoon-seok?” you ask. se-ri’s fingers still.
her voice drops. “that’s the problem.”
she tells you how safe she feels around him. how he listens without interrupting. how he remembers small things — her favorite snack, the way she hates loud cafeterias, how she gets anxious before presentations. how he waits for her after class without making it obvious.
“i don’t get nervous around him,” she says. “i don’t feel like i have to be impressive. i just feel… okay.”
you smile softly at that. “that doesn’t sound like nothing.”
she laughs, weak and embarrassed. “right? but it doesn’t feel like the kind of crush you’re supposed to have. it’s not exciting. it’s not dramatic.”
you think of kim hyeon’s laugh in the cafeteria. the way he helped without being seen. the way real things are often quieter.
“maybe,” you say slowly, “you don’t have to like what you’re supposed to like.”
se-ri looks at you then. really looks. “you don’t think i’m settling?”
“no,” you say immediately. “i think you’re noticing the difference between admiration and connection.”
her shoulders loosen, just a little.
“i think,” you add carefully, “you should like the person who makes you feel like yourself. not the one everyone else thinks you should want.”
she swallows. nods. there’s relief in her expression — but also fear. realizing something like that always comes with consequences.
later, as you walk home alone, the evening air feels heavier. the girl code tension — the unspoken rule you’ve been bracing against — eases. there’s no betrayal waiting to happen. no line you’re about to cross unknowingly. and yet. guilt settles in anyway.
because even if se-ri’s feelings for kim hyeon were shallow, yours weren’t supposed to exist at all. because you remember every cold word you chose deliberately. every rolled eye. every moment you tried to make him pull away. because knowing you were “allowed” now doesn’t erase the fact that you already crossed the line in your head.
you stop at the corner, watching cars pass, headlights smearing gold across the pavement. girl code is no longer the thing holding you back. and somehow, that makes everything worse.
─────
it happens after school, when you least expect it. you’re at your locker, half-focused on shoving books inside, half-lost in your thoughts — se-ri’s words still echoing, the way kim hyeon’s laugh had sounded in the cafeteria earlier, lighter than it had any right to be. you don’t hear him approach until his shadow stretches across the floor beside yours.
“yah.”
you stiffen. just a fraction.
“hello,” you reply, keeping your eyes on the metal door in front of you. there’s a pause. not awkward — intentional.
“can i ask you something?”
you sigh quietly, shutting your locker a little harder than necessary. “depends.”
he smiles at that, but it fades quickly. “it’s not a trap.”
that should make you feel better. it doesn’t. you turn to face him at last. he’s standing a respectful distance away, backpack slung over one shoulder, posture relaxed, but his expression isn’t. his eyes are steady, searching — not playful, not teasing.
“why don’t you like me?” he asks. the words are simple. no accusation. no defensiveness. they land anyway.
you blink. then scoff, instinct kicking in. “wow. straight to it, huh?”
he shrugs. “i figured i’d stop guessing.”
you cross your arms. “you’re assuming i don’t like you.”
“you roll your eyes every time someone mentions me,” he says gently. “you avoid sitting near me. you act like i personally offend you just by existing.”
you open your mouth, then close it. “okay,” you say, forcing a laugh. “maybe i just have a thing against overly nice people.”
“overly nice,” he repeats, like he’s tasting the phrase. “is that what i am?”
“kind of,” you say lightly. “you’re like… aggressively pleasant.”
he snorts despite himself. “that’s a new one.”
you take the opening and run with it. “look, kim hyeon, you’re popular. people love you. that’s great. i just — don’t really vibe with that whole thing.”
“the whole thing,” he echoes.
“yeah. the fan club. the golden-boy energy. it’s exhausting just watching it.”
you expect him to laugh it off. to tease you. to shrug and say fair enough. instead, he goes quiet. really quiet.
“i don’t need you to like me,” he says after a moment. his voice is softer now, stripped of its usual ease. “i just want to understand.”
the hallway feels suddenly too open. too exposed. students pass by, lockers slamming, voices echoing — but it’s like the world has narrowed to the space between you.
“you didn’t do anything wrong,” he continues. “but it feels like you’re punishing me for something i don’t know i did.”
that hits. not sharply. slowly. like pressure settling in your chest. you look at him properly this time. the faint tension in his shoulders. the way his fingers curl around his backpack strap, knuckles pale. he’s not flirting. he’s not charming his way out of discomfort. he’s being honest. and it’s unsettling in a way smiles never were.
you swallow. “you’re reading too much into it.”
“maybe,” he admits. “but i don’t think so.”
you want to deflect again. to joke. to roll your eyes and walk away. but the words catch in your throat. because sincerity — real sincerity — is harder to deflect than arrogance. harder to hate than perfection. you look away first.
“i should go,” you say quietly.
he nods. “okay.”
no chase. no last comment. just acceptance. you walk down the hallway with your heart beating faster than it should, every step heavier than the last. because nothing he said crossed a line. nothing he said was smooth or clever. and yet, the way he looked at you — open, unguarded, asking to be understood instead of admired — stays with you far longer than flirting ever could.
─────
you don’t see kim hyeon for two days. not intentionally — at least, not in a way you can admit to yourself — but you rearrange your routines without thinking about it. you leave class a little later. you take the longer staircase. you sit farther back. it’s easy to pretend it is coincidence when avoidance wears such ordinary clothes. but the space he leaves behind feels louder than his presence ever did.
your thoughts keep circling back to the hallway. to the way his voice had dropped when he said he just wanted to understand. to the fact that he hadn’t tried to win you over — only asked to be seen. you hate how much that matters.
it clicks somewhere between chemistry class and lunch, when you catch yourself scanning the room without meaning to. when you realize, you’re bracing for a smile you’ve spent weeks pretending to dislike. that’s when the truth finally surfaces, quiet and undeniable. you didn’t dislike kim hyeon because he was perfect. you disliked him because if he was perfect, you could dismiss him safely. file him away as unreal. untouchable. harmless.
but if he’s flawed — if he worries about grades, if he helps people when no one’s watching, if he asks questions instead of assuming answers — then liking him means risk. and risk means vulnerability.
that afternoon, seong-rae corners you near the vending machines. literally. he steps sideways, blocking your path with an exaggerated grin.
“so,” he says, dragging the word out. “are you and kim hyeon in some kind of silent war i wasn’t invited to?”
you groan. “move.”
“nope.” he pops a coin into the machine. “not until you answer.”
“there’s nothing to answer.”
he glances over your shoulder, then back at you, eyes sharp despite the playful tone. “you know he’s been looking for you, right?”
your stomach flips. “he doesn’t need to.”
“mmm,” seong-rae hums. “that’s not what this is.”
you frown. “what is it, then?”
he tilts his head, studying you like he’s piecing something together he already mostly understands. “you’re trying harder to push him away than most people try to get him.”
the words hit clean. no embellishment. no joke to soften the blow. you open your mouth, ready to deny it — and stop. because you can’t. seong-rae steps aside at last, expression gentler now. “just saying,” he adds. “people don’t do that unless it matters.”
he leaves you there, the vending machine humming softly behind you.
that evening, you sit on your bed with your phone in your hand, staring at nothing. you replay every moment you chose cold over honest. every time you mistook distance for safety. you’re tired of it.
the next day, when you see kim hyeon in the hallway, you don’t turn away. he notices immediately. of course, he does. there’s a flicker of surprise in his eyes — followed by something cautious, like he’s waiting to see if this is another trick of the light. you stop in front of him.
“hi,” you say.
“hi,” he replies, softer than usual.
there’s no apology yet. no confession. no neatly packaged explanation. just you, standing there, no longer hiding. and for the first time since you met him, you don’t reach for distance. you stay.
─────
se-ri asks you to wait for her after school. not in the nervous way she did before, not hesitating or overthinking the words — just a simple, “can you stay a bit?” with a look that tells you something has already been decided.
you sit on the low wall by the gym, backpack at your feet, watching the sun slide lower as students trickle past. yoon-seok stands a short distance away, pretending to be very invested in his phone. he looks uncomfortable in that specific way people do when they know they’re about to be brave and haven’t quite worked up the courage yet.
se-ri takes a breath. then another. she walks up to him. you don’t hear everything — just fragments carried on the air. her voice wobbles at first, then steadies. yoon-seok’s shoulders stiffen, then slowly relax. there’s an awkward pause where neither of them seems sure what comes next. then he smiles. not wide. not flashy. just soft. like relief.
se-ri laughs, covering her face, embarrassment bleeding into happiness. yoon-seok says something you can’t hear, and she nods quickly, eyes shining. it’s not dramatic. there’s no crowd, no applause, no cinematic timing. it’s just real.
later, the two of you walk together, se-ri buzzing with a quiet kind of energy. she keeps replaying moments aloud — what she said, how he reacted, how she almost tripped over her words.
“i was so awkward,” she groans.
“you were honest,” you say. “that counts more.”
she glances at you, smiling. “you know… i don’t think i ever really liked kim hyeon.”
your steps slow slightly.
“i liked the idea of him,” she continues. “the way everyone talks about him. the way liking him felt safe. but it was never about him, really.” she nudges your arm. “with yoon-seok, it’s different. it feels like choosing, not just following.”
something loosens in your chest. she doesn’t say anything directly. she doesn’t need to. she doesn’t give you a speech or a blessing or a dramatic declaration. she just talks about what she feels now — clearer, lighter — and in doing so, she frees you without realizing it.
that night, alone in your room, you stare at the ceiling longer than usual. girl code was your shield. a good one. a necessary one. but it’s gone now. there’s no rule left to hide behind. no excuse that sounds noble enough to justify distance. no reason that you can repeat to yourself until it feels true.
the only thing standing between you and kim hyeon now is choice. and the terrifying clarity that you’ve already made it.
────
you didn’t plan to see him that afternoon. the library is quieter than usual, sun slanting through the tall windows and hitting the floor in warm rectangles. you’re tucked into a corner with your notebook, mind wandering between the equations on the page and the small, persistent thought of him.
and then he’s there, sliding into the chair across from you. not leaning, not making a show, just sitting. calm. he sets his backpack down, hands folded over the straps, and looks at you. really looks.
“mind if i sit?” he asks softly.
you tilt your head, considering, then shrug. “i guess not.”
there’s a beat of silence. neither of you reaches for words immediately. it feels strange — not awkward, exactly, but charged, like walking into a room that smells familiar yet unexpected. finally, he speaks.
“i wanted to say… something.” his hands tighten slightly around the strap of his bag. “about the way you’ve… treated me.”
your lips twitch — half in irritation, half in resignation. “treated you? you mean ignored, insulted, and made fun of?”
he smiles faintly, no teasing in it. “yes. all of that.”
“then what’s there to say?” you ask lightly, leaning back in your chair.
“just… i want you to know it hurt. more than i thought it would,” he admits quietly. his eyes meet yours fully, unflinching. “not in a dramatic, ‘i hate you now’ way. more like… i noticed.”
you blink. because that’s the thing about him — you always thought he would respond in flashes and rehearsed charm. but now he’s saying the thing you didn’t expect. sincerity.
“it’s… funny,” you say slowly. “because i judged you. from the very beginning. thought you were too perfect, too polished. like you were a show, and i didn’t want to be a part of it.”
he nods, listening. no interruptions, no defensiveness. just… space for honesty.
“i’m not a show,” he says after a moment. “i’m just… me. and it’s harder when someone actively dislikes you, even when you haven’t done anything to deserve it.”
you study him, heart twisting in ways you didn’t expect. “i wasn’t trying to hurt you,” you admit softly. “i just… i couldn’t trust it. if you’re flawless, then you’re untouchable. but if you’re real… then it has value.”
his shoulders shift, leaning slightly forward, but not enough to invade your space. “so… i matter?”
you pause. “yeah,” you say finally. “in a way i wasn’t ready for.”
he smiles then, the corners of his eyes crinkling, gentle and quiet. it’s not dramatic. there’s no flashy line or sudden impulse. just understanding.
“good,” he says, shrugging like it’s casual, but it isn’t. “because i’m done trying to win you over. i just… want to know you. for real.”
something soft settles in your chest. relief? comfort? something unfamiliar that feels like warmth without fire. you realize you don’t have to play games. you don’t have to hide behind excuses or coldness anymore.
“you don’t scare me,” you admit quietly, surprising yourself.
“not even a little?” he teases lightly, but there’s no mockery — just a question, a thread reaching toward something fragile.
“maybe a little,” you say honestly. “but not enough to stay away.”
for the first time, the walls you built around yourself feel like they could crack — not collapse, just shift. and across from you, kim hyeon smiles softly, unguarded, letting himself in just a little too. not love. not drama. just… connection. and that, right now, is enough.
────
after the conversation in the library, everything shifts — quietly, almost imperceptibly. he doesn’t rush you. there are no grand declarations. no sudden, dramatic confessions. just small gestures, easy presence, and a curiosity that doesn’t feel threatening.
it starts with walking home together. not every day — just sometimes, when your paths align. your steps fall into rhythm, side by side, and you notice little things — how his jacket smells faintly of soap, how he hums under his breath without realizing it, how the city feels a little less loud when he’s there.
sometimes, there’s silence. comfortable, unforced silence. you both watch the streetlights flicker on, the early evening washing the sidewalks in gold and shadow. you don’t feel the need to fill the quiet with words, and that in itself feels revolutionary.
other times, small jokes appear — whispered observations about the ridiculousness of a math problem, or a funny face a classmate made during lunch. shared, private laughter that no one else is privy to. each one tightens a thread you didn’t know was loose before.
you realize something about liking him. that it doesn’t mean losing yourself. not your opinions, not your boundaries, not your stubborn need to roll your eyes at perfection. it just means letting someone in who respects you enough not to push.
one late afternoon, he walks you to your front gate. the sun has dipped low, streaks of pink and orange painting the sky. you pause, hands tucked in your sleeves, heart a little faster than usual. you look at him and decide — why not? it’s small, but meaningful. you lean up and press your lips to his cheek in a quick, tentative kiss. a goodbye.
he freezes for a moment, then tilts his head, eyes soft. before you can step back, he reaches down, gently pressing his lips to the corner of your forehead.
warmth blooms from there, quiet and steady. you step back, letting go of his hand slowly, but not too fast. a small smile tugs at your lips.
“see you tomorrow?” he asks softly.
you nod. “yes.”
and just like that, the slow yes has begun. small, deliberate, mutual — a dance you didn’t know you were ready for, but are willing to try.
────
by the time the first week of june rolls around, people start noticing. not the headlines kind of noticing — the whispers in the cafeteria, the sideways glances in the hall — but the subtle shifts. you no longer duck when he passes. you don’t roll your eyes or cross your arms when his friends laugh at his jokes nearby. you even — quietly, secretly — look for him sometimes.
kim hyeon notices, too. you see it in the little things. the way his smile softens when your eyes meet across the room. the way his posture relaxes when he walks beside you. less polished, less performative. more real. more him. and, somehow, he doesn’t need to try. you notice it, and it makes your chest warm in a way that isn’t just about him — it’s about the space you both finally allow yourselves to occupy together.
it’s a saturday afternoon, warm but not too hot, the kind of early summer day when the sky seems brighter and the wind carries a hint of blooming flowers. you’re walking home from a small café, each of you with a drink in hand. the street is quieter than usual; the world around you seems to shrink just enough for the two of you to exist in your own bubble.
“you look… happy,” he says suddenly, eyes catching yours. not teasing, not playful — just observation.
you shrug, hiding a smile. “i’m fine.”
he nudges you gently with his shoulder. “you don’t have to hide it from me.”
you glance at him, his expression so open, so calm. you realize at that moment how much you’ve changed. how much he’s changed your world — not by being perfect, not by dazzling everyone, but by simply staying. by being consistent, patient, real.
“kim hyeon,” you say, your voice soft, almost unsure. he looks at you, eyebrows raised. you take a deep breath. “i… like you. not because you’re perfect, or because everyone else thinks you’re amazing. i like you because… you stayed. even when i tried to make you leave.”
the way he looks at you then is nothing like you’ve ever seen before. there’s disbelief, yes — but also warmth, awe, and an unspoken promise.
“good,” he says finally, a small grin tugging at his lips. “because i was never going anywhere.”
you stop walking. he stops too, falling into step beside you again. the air hums with quiet anticipation. you raise your hands, taking his face gently in your palms. his eyes flutter closed as you lean forward, and finally, you kiss him.
it’s not hurried. not desperate. not flashy. it’s steady, soft, and warm. his hands find your waist, fingers curling around you, holding you just enough to feel your weight. the world seems to slow, the noises of the street fading until there’s only you, only him, and the faint taste of summer in the air.
when you pull back, his forehead rests against yours. his breath mingles with yours, and he murmurs, “you’re mine, huh?”
“yeah,” you whisper, smiling. “and you’re mine.”
people may still talk about him, admire him, orbit around him like he’s untouchable. but you don’t care. you know the truth. you didn’t fall for kim hyeon because he was perfect. you fell for kim hyeon because he was real. because he stayed. because he made you feel safe enough to finally let yourself in.
and right now, under the early summer sky, with his hand in yours and his smile lighting up in a way only you get to see, that feels more than enough. the world keeps moving around you, noisy and busy as always, but you don’t notice. you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.
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