Intellectuals Aren't

Chasing the echoes of Sam whilst he screams of who I am. Who he is. Who we both are. This blog will consist of my gradual progression towards either self discovery or self destruction. My science/education blog imagineatoms.tumblr.com

[echoesofsam-blog]

Okay this is officially the last post for a few weeks. I'll get back on one more time tonight to check my inbox for any more numbers and then I'm deleting Tumblr off my phone. See you later everyone

[echoesofsam-blog]

I’ve decided to take a break from Tumblr for at least two weeks. I’m telling you all this so you don’t think I’ve offed myself. I just need to get away from this drug and find peace somehow and rediscover science. I miss it so much.

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I will be getting back on in an hour or so to check my messages. If anyone lives is the US (or knows the rules for international texting) and wants my number so we can stay in touch while I'm gone just leave me a message. But I'm horrible at texting so no promises on me replying to your message

[echoesofsam-blog]

I’ve decided to take a break from Tumblr for at least two weeks. I’m telling you all this so you don’t think I’ve offed myself. I just need to get away from this drug and find peace somehow and rediscover science. I miss it so much.

[echoesofsam-blog]

I've tried this a few times but they were always "mental hobbies" like chess for example (which I can't seem to play anymore). I considered trying to grow a garden or something but idk. I probably should find something though. I just feel like I won't enjoy anything that's not mentally stimulating but I can't do anything mentally stimulating because My mind is too exhausted all the time idk I just ...

[echoesofsam-blog]

Nope nope, not gonna do it

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I don't think I actually enjoy anything anymore. Everything I say I enjoy is really just from memory of past joy

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All day today I've thought I was finally coming back but as soon as (and i do mean instantly) I stop distracting myself (get off Tumblr) I fall right back down. Even avatar isn't enough of a distraction. I've been eating tons of "comfort" food but it's not helping at all. I told an anon on imagineatoms that I didn't feel like talking about atoms. I CAN'T BELIEVE IM SO DEPRESSED I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT ATOMS WHAT TE FUCK! Anyway this is just some post or something

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Feeling a bit light headed

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My main fear with going on medication was that meds would "take away my mind". I'm not even sure what that means but I know in the past few months especially my mind has been anything but exceptional and there's really nothing to save anymore. Wednesday I have my EEG to determine exactly what meds are right for me

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Don't know if it's just because I'm getting all this in the open, or because far more people than expected have spoken up, or if it's simply the endorphins released after a cut, but I'm feeling oddly optimistic right now. I'm going to be realistic and not expect this to last but for now I'm going to enjoy this good mood.

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Don't k ow if any of you read that last line but it was the first positive message I've sent out yet. I literally told myself to stay alive and push through it. I want you all to take that in. Just because I'm talking about how much I /want/ to end it all, doesn't mean I will (I think).

[echoesofsam-blog]

Among all of this I'm reminded that these feelings are entirely neurochemical and that any thoughts I may have is due to tiny particles interacting in a wonderful dance inside my head. These molecules were programmed by my DNA to keep me alive at least until I reproduce. But something has gone terribly wrong. But these molecules are unaware. They keep dancing their dance, giving executive orders, unknowing of their dangerous behaviour. Action unfolds and chaos commences, the dance of the dead continues in my head, thumping and trudging around to the drumbeat of my heart. The dance will stop only when the beat stops. Play on little organ, keep them in tune. Keep them dancing, don't stop too soon.

[echoesofsam-blog]

Poking at my consciousness, prodding me to do it "No" I say half-heartedly Poke poke "There's no reason for it" I say hesitantly reaching across my desk Poke poke "This is absurd" I say as I press the razor to my skin Poke Applying pressure the momster continues Poke Gently slide Poke Lift Poke Repeat The monster has been fed

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I'm sorry

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I'm drowning above water Dying of thirst at a riverbed Suffocating on my on breath Screaming silence at the top of my lungs

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I don't have anything interesting to say. At best I'm just a mirror reflecting the words and ideas of Sagan, Tyson, Feynman, and so on. I'm just a collection of other people's thoughts and "I" don't actually exist. I'm unoriginal in every aspect and a fraud. "Interesting". I'm not interesting. Other people are interesting. I'm just semi-talented at understanding expressing the ideas of those people. I'm not intelligent in any real way. My knowledge of the universe goes slightly beyond magazine articles and my understanding of mathematics and physics is comparable to an advanced 9th grader. My vocabulary is mediocre, my spelling is atrocious, and my grammar is made up. My overall knowledge of history an civics is dramatically small and my athletic abilities don't exist. Frankly all I'm good at is saying the same thing someone else already said in a slightly different way. I am a fake I am a lie Do not look up to Do not listen to me Do not like me I haven't earned it I've spent the last year and a half telling myself and everyone else that I'm interested in physics yet done nothing to learn any actual physics. So I understand certain concepts a bit better than most. So what!?!? I don't know the actual physics behind them and why not? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE! I JUST DONT BOTHER TP TRY TO FIND THESE THINGS OUT! Idk maybe I'm scared of failing. Maybe I'm just too fucking stupid to understand but I've already told so many people that I'm majoring in physics that instead of actually learning physics I just master the concepts because I know I can explain if without them caring about the math. Maybe they'll just assume I actually know what the fuck I'm talking about. I bet that's it. This whole time I've subconsciously avoided actual physics for the concept for that exact reason. God damn it I hate me so much

[echoesofsam-blog]

oops