A Lot Of Thoughts, Huh?

Idek why I’m restarting this blog, and just to be clear I won’t be promoting anything healthy

[eclecticshaneybaby]

Y’all why is having friends so emotionally draining

you don’t get involved with drama then you are distant and have no clue what’s going on

You do get involved and it totally backfires and now you aren’t sure if all your friends hate you just for talking to them about what was going on

I feel sick to my stomach agsjsgsksh

[eclecticshaneybaby]

I’m journaling on tumblr look away

I just lost my tiktok account that I started my first semester of college. That is a stupid reason to get upset but I want to scream. I want to cry and thrash on the ground I’m so frustrated. That won’t do anything I am well aware but at least then what I’m feeling would be released from my body. I feel like I have waves of fire running under my skin it makes me want to scream and cry and make a scene, but instead I let it cook me from the inside out, steam rising from the crescent shaped cuts on my palms.

why does this feeling consume me? Every time something happens I get so enraged I want to grind my teeth to dust and set everything on fire. 

but I can’t do that

so I’ll tear into my skin quietly and bite my tongue till it bleeds, till the fire cools and all I am is ash 

[eclecticshaneybaby]

If I looked perfect there would be no problem

Perhaps I would be so comfortable I would be easy to be with

No fear in my vocabulary nothing to stumble over

Every move I make I calculate

How far can I go until you see all my cracks

All my slabs of mistakes

I do not posses the beauty required to feel comfortable

Because when I get too comfortable my walls slip

And everything I’ve built to protect me fall out of reach

And what will I do if I am not enough for you

If you lay eyes on me and I am everything I knew I was

Disgusting

Eye sore

Disappointment

I don’t think I could come back from you seeing that too

Come back from feeling the rejection from someone who has come so close

To be so beautiful I could bring tears to her eyes the way she does mine

I wish I wish I wish

[eclecticshaneybaby]

No one talks about how much of a mental and emotional toll dating someone with mental illness is

All I want to do is be there for her and love her and make everything okay but I can’t

The things that are wrong are so far out of my control all I can do is be there and that hurts

And when something is wrong with me?

Why would I put that on her when she’s already dealing with everything she has

I can’t put that on her but that means no one is there for me the way I’m there for her which is all I want sometimes

I feel selfish

I just want to be comforted but i can’t because I’m comforting her and I love being there for her I love her

But my needs aren’t getting met and I don’t know how to go about figuring that out

[eclecticshaneybaby]

I’m sorry that no one else seemed to think she over stepped

She made me incredibly uncomfortable

Just because you and your gf are perfect and skinny and probably have great sex

Doesn’t mean that we are the same

I don’t want to think about her seeing me naked

It’s not pretty I’m not cute and curvy

I’m just fat

The ugly kind of fat where everything just sags and im so terrified the second she sees that she’s going to run and leave me for someone who is so soft and pretty and perfect

I don’t even know how she’s still with me

So now im sitting two floors down from the girl I love crying in a bathroom because some bitch is insensitive and annoying

[eclecticshaneybaby]

What is wrong with me

Why do these stupid little things make me so angry and why can’t I just be fucking normal

I’m far to disgustingly fat to have such big emotions it’s notehkwhsksbdjd I wish I was fucking smaller then I’m sure everything would be better and easier

i just want to curl up and fucking dissolve and never be seen ever again

But then I wonder does she even care about me

She doesn’t check in with me like I do with her she doesn’t seem to care about anything like that so

[eclecticshaneybaby]

I just wish I wasn’t going to disappoint her when she’s sees me naked, or relaxed, or with my eyes fucking closed

Every bit of me is not cute and little and pretty I’m fat and ugly and no part of me could ever be appealing I don’t get it she’s so perfect and small and cute and I’m just not and I don’t want her to look at me and be disgusted because I don’t think I could recover from that kind of rejection

[eclecticshaneybaby]

Something must be wrong with me a little girl just ran past me at an amusement park and I got freaking envious because I was never that skinny as a kid I never got to be the cute little girl cute little kid I’ve always been fat and it’s held me back my entire life and I hate myself and have hated myself for a very long time

[eclecticshaneybaby]

Everytime I go to church I feel like a fraud, I came out on Instagram about being bi but I feel like it was so preformative

I’m still not out to my family so I can’t tell them about my gf I can’t bring her to meet them I can’t say anything meanwhile I’ve met all of her family and they know about me and they actually use my name

I hate that I have this huge disconnect with my family but I can’t tell the rest of them until I tell my father which is what I’m the most scared about

I really am not sure how he will react all I can be sure of is that it probably won’t be good

I so want to just rip the bandaid off and stop lying because once I tell him I can tell the rest of my family and give fuck all about what literally anyone else thinks

It’s just hard because my straight friend doesn’t seem to grasp how hard this situation is for me I could lose my dad he could completely remove himself from my life, disown me the freaking works

It’s just a lot weighing on me and it always bubbles up at church

Figures 

[eclecticshaneybaby]

Having a girlfriend is expensive asf but also at the same time I want to buy her everything she wants soooo I’m going to need to get a little bit more money

[eclecticshaneybaby]

Im sorry that I make everything difficult I can’t seem to help it

My dad can’t know we’re dating at least not yet please

I just wish I could make everything simple, god I wish I still didn’t have to hide

[eclecticshaneybaby]

Idk if anyone is going to see this but if you identify as asexual, if you feel inclined could you just tell me how you figured that out for yourself? I’m just, I’m in my first real relationship and things are progressing and idk how I feel about it as things get more physical, like I’ve dreamed of this and I’m not, not sexual I get urges but now that the aspect of having actual sex is appearing i’m like freaking out, idk if I’m just insecure about myself so badly or if I’m actually not feeling sexual attraction. Idk

[eclecticshaneybaby]

I’m hungry butttt…. I kind of want to starve myself oops teehee

Who said that

Edit : I did not last

[fairycosmos]

look. i don’t think my stretch marks are beautiful. i don’t think they’re tiger stripes or natural tattooos. i don’t think my acne is beautiful. i don’t think the bags under my eyes are beautiful. i just think they’re human. and i don’t think i have to be beautiful all of the time in order to be accepted and loved and sucessful. i don’t think every small detail of my outer appearence needs to be translated into prettiness.

[lady-of-the-flies]

I just kinda wanna cuddle in bed all cute and shit until hands start to wander and things get a little less cute and a little more…

[linda-belcher]

shout out to the girls that hate their bodies but are trying really really hard to find the beauty and comfort in them because that shit is hard and takes a lot of time and is emotionally exhausting. i’m proud of y'all.

[peachy-gay-club]

punk x bookworm wlw 💕

[eclecticshaneybaby]

Today was such an interesting day you don’t even know but now I’m more lonely then I was before and it’s really sad