this bread takes 19 hours to make but it is delicious.
300g white bread flour
200g wholewheat bread flour
400g warm water
11g salt
2g active dry yeast
1. Autolyse - 00.00-00.30
There are fascinating biochemical reasons to autolyse your dough before you make it. But I’m not going to tell you what they are, because Google is free.
Mix together the flours and warm water by hand in a bowl until just combined
Leave to rise for 30 minutes
2. Mix - 00.30-01.10
Put the yeast on top of the dough and “hide” it by folding the dough over
Do the same for the salt - try not to let them touch at first because salt kills yeast
Wet your hands thoroughly so the dough doesn’t stick - keep wetting them throughout the process
Fold it with your hands
Gently pull out a “side” of the dough and fold it over the rest of it, then do this for the rest of the sides
Squeeze the dough to mix the new ingredients in
Repeat folding and squeezing until the dough is completely combined & feels tight
Leave to rise for 40 minutes
3. Fold - 1.10-1.40
Fold the dough again
Leave to rise for 30 minutes
4. Fold - 1.40-2.10
Fold the dough again
Leave to rise for 30 minutes
5. Fold - 2.10-2.40
Fold the dough again
Leave to rise for 30 minutes
6. Fold - 2.40-5.10
Fold the dough again
Leave to rise until the dough has tripled in size - about 2 hours 30 minutes
7. Shape loaves - 5.10-17.10
Basically, fold the dough again, except dust your hands with flour so it doesn’t stick instead of water
Fold the sides into the middle so that it makes the shape of a loaf
Place loaf into a proving basket, cover with a plastic bag, and prove in the fridge for 12-14 hours
8. Preheat oven - 17.10-17.55
Place a dutch oven in your normal oven at 245°C/475°F (or as hot as your oven will go) and leave for about 45 minutes
9. Bake your loaf 17.55-18.25-18.55
Carefully place the loaf into the dutch oven and replace the lid for 30 minutes
weird meringuey-chocolate biscuits from this recipe but not in korean and not a video so a lot more useful in the kitchen. provided your english is better than your korean, of course.
ingredience:
110g dark chocolate
30g butter
1 egg
55g brown sugar
45g flour
1g baking powder
1g baking soda
vanilla extract
method
melt butter and chocolate together
set aside to cool
whisk egg and brown sugar together thoroughly
whisk chocolate into egg mixture
sift flour, baking powder, and soda into the mixture
don't even bother googling "mary macleod shortbread", because nothing will come up. this is a 100% original idea by yours truly (me)
my mum used to stan the hell out of mary macleod when we lived in toronto. alas, those days are over, but these are a pretty fine replica. they’re absolutely delicious. try them, WON’T YOU?
i adapted her recipe because she uses silly scottish things like fruit sugar and durum wheat flour, which i didn’t have in the cupboard.
ingredience
8oz butter (i used salted because... lazy!)
1oz caster sugar (or any sugar that has little crystals - not granulated. or hey, use granulated sugar, i’m not your mother. or am i?)
3oz icing sugar
13oz all purpose flour (2oz + 11oz. that’s not just me showing off my maths skills, it’s important)
1 bar of chocolate (i used lindt because we stan greasy greasy chocolate. it’s not greasy once you cook it though; it’s actually pretty close to the original)
method
mix together butter, sugar, and two ounces of flour until they make like a yellowy dough (mary says to do this by hand, i say use a breadhook)
start adding the rest of the flour slowly, mixing the entire time (hence the breadhook) until it forms a non-sticky but still doughy dough (you don’t have to use all the flour - don’t overdo it!)
form the dough into balls and squish them into biscuit shapes (i used the bottom of a glass)
make these as big as you want the biscuits to be - they don’t spread at all while baking
squish a bit of chocolate in the middle of each one
cook at low heat for about 40 minutes, checking every 10 minutes (i did 150 celsius, but i could have gone lower if i wasn’t being impatient - 120 celsius is probably your lower limit)
it’s autumn, time for a stolen recipe- i mean, completely original, one-of-a-kind, crumbly delicious loaf using fruits from your own lovely english garden. or like, run down the street in yr pajamas until you see a blackberry bush and quickly pick them while people stare at you. never done that though. nope.
it’s only a little bit stolen - and unlike every popular cooking blog, at least i link back to recipes that i adapt a tiny bit and then post for ad revenue. actually, i don’t even get ad revenue. hey, how do you get ad revenue on tumblr?
i used frozen blackberries bc we had some frozen blackberries, and floor apples because there were apples on the floor. outside. i cut out most of the worms though.
i’m vegetarian so i left a couple in.
for protein.
I ALSO FORGOT CINNAMON AND I MOURN HER ABSENCE. ADD CINNAMON.
also also look how purple she is when you’re mixing her!!! iconic!!!
anyway i hate to be a “autobiography for every recipe” type bake blog so without further ado
ingredience
250g self-raising flour
180g butter
180g brown (i used demerara) sugar + a lil extra for sits and giggles
2 apples (grated and dewormed)
2 eggs (beaten)
225g blackberries
methid
oven to 180
rub butter, flour, and the sugar (but not the extra)
put like a quarter of a cup of that rubbed mixture into a bowl with the extra sugar and mix them with cinnamon, then leave it aside in the rain (note - don’t actually leave it in the rain)
whisk the eggs and apple
lightly stir the egg-apple into the butter-flour-sugar (the big bowl, not the small one)
add the blackberries and stir a lil more (i stirred a lot hence the purple nature of the cake and the general indiscernability of the blackberries. tastey tho.)
pour the set aside butter flour sugar cinnamon sugar on top as like a crumbly topping
bake for a long time - about an hour or even more. when you poke it and it doesn’t come out doughy.
mangais. mange. how do you do the imperative tense en francais. whatever. it tastes really good. i just ate 3 slices.
,,,, okay so i didn’t make the meal vegan because i wanted cheese but trust me they taste great without it as well i’m just weak
also i just took that picture off of my instagram... instagram photos are so easy to steal??? i mean don’t do it but... damn insta increase your cybersecurity!
i’ve also stolen this recipe from my darling mother, who raised me from birth, who protected me through my whole life, and je ne regrette rien
Drained tin of chickpeas
3 cloves garlic chopped up n junk
1 tsp mixed herbs
2 sundried tomatoes removed from oil
50g rolled oats
200g grated carrot
10g fresh ginger, grated
Some basil
100g pine nuts
1 egg
1/2 tsp ras el hanout
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp salt
2 tsp oil from the sundried tomatoes
2 tbsp wholewheat flour
1 tbsp sesame seeds
Preheat oven to 200°C/390°F/180°C fan/375°F fan
Blend chickpeas, garlic, herbs, and tomatoes
Mix in the rest of the ingredients (not blending)
Roll dough into meatball sized balls
Brush with olive oil and cook for 25 minutes
Cook pasta and some sort of sauce (I just fried tomatoes and courgettes but do what you like)
tip: replace the dark/milk chocolate with the equivalent weight in chocolate orange because oh my god, deliciousness is yours.
my brother designed this recipe, but he reckons his new recipe is better. either way, he 100% stole it from the internet. but i can’t find it, so i’ll just steal it from him. the chocolate orange and improvements? all mine.
ingredience:
120g dark chocolate
60g milk chocolate
25g butter
½ teaspoon of coffee powder
100g white sugar
100g brown sugar
3 eggs
75g self-raising flour
10g cocoa powder
pinch of salt
vanilla extract
chocolate chips
method:
preheat oven to 200°C/390°F/180°C fan/375°F fan
heat butter, sugar, chocolate, and coffee in a bain-marie until combined or just microwave them on low power ya bum
add eggs one by one or all at once if you’re lazy
fold in the rest of the ingredients
cook for 20-30 minutes, until almost completely but not quite entirely, set - a little should come off on your poking implement but not all of it, you understand?
btw that beige thing in the background is a pasty mum knitted for the cat... we stan
i swear it doesn’t usually look like a cthupoo that was very much what the situation called for
this is a recipe passed down for generations through our family. it’s embedded in our mitochondrial dna by now.
yr feckin welcome.
you can adapt this to make a lil cake (1 egg) or a big ole cake (∞ eggs) depending on how much you want. a big birthday cake like the one above has 4 eggs including cthupoo. i’m gonna stop calling it cthupoo because this is a cake recipe. you can also make it plain or chocolate. the possibilities are ∞. well. the possibilities are 2.
ingredience:
either weigh your eggs and have the same weight of every other ingredient, or double the number of eggs you use and use that many ounces of the other ingredients. for example:
3 eggs/6oz of eggs
6oz butter/margarine
6oz sugar
6oz flour
it’s that easy! for a chocolate cake, take out some of the flour and replace it with cocoa powder. maybe an ounce?
method:
preheat the oven to 200°C/180°C fan/400°F/350°F fan
cream the margarine and sugar - that means mix them until they’re combined for all you plebs out there
add the eggs and mix
sift in the flour (and cocoa) and mix until it’s a batter, scraping down the sides with a spatula
pour the mixture evenly into your cake receptacles - cupcake moulds, cake tins, bread tins - really, the cake is your oyster. hell, cook it in an oyster if you want. might taste a bit weird though.
cook for about 10 minutes, until a poking implement comes out clean
let them cool B)
want some buttercream on that cake? yeah, i thought so.
ingredience:
100g butter
200g icing sugar
once again, you can adapt this super easily - just use however much butter and double that amount of icing sugar. same method to make it flavoured - take out some icing sugar (about a tablespoon, usually) and replace it with cocoa powder.
method:
combine ingredients until they look like icing
ice the cakes when cool
and to make a cthupoo cake? well. i don’t think you’re a good enough baker to replicate this masterpiece. also all those who graze on it go mad or whatever.
well. a bit cornish. enough to make a killer scone. it’s pronounced scone. not scone. pronounce it the wrong way and i will manifest in your house and shout at you.
ingredience [makes 12ish]:
80g salted butter
400g self-raising flour
For all you Americans out there, you can use some baking powder in plain flour instead.
some sugar
Not to be Escoffier about it but, it’s really up to you. I have a mad sweet tooth so I just chuck quite a lot in. Maybe do 4 tablespoons? Eat the batter and check, coward.
200ml milk
method:
Preheat the oven to 220°C/200°C fan/450°F/400°F fan
Rub the butter and the flour - I use a breadhook, but you probably still need to use your hands. Actually, you definitely do. Make sure it’s like a buttery yellow flour. No lumps!
Add the sugar and mix using the breadhook, again, or just kneading with your hands if you’re not lazy like me
Pour in the milk - The vast majority of recipes will tell you to add the milk slowly and gradually. Well, that’s just stupid. Add it all. Coward. Mix. Mix mix mix! Is it a dough? No? Mix more!
Roll the dough to about 1 inch high. Maybe lower. Up to you. Don’t make em too short or you’ll have short sad scones.
Cut with a thingy. You know. A round cutter thingy. You know. Roll it back up so you can keep cutting them out until all the dough is used. Don’t use the star cutter just because you want to use the star cutter. Or do. Be me.
Put on buttered baking trays and sprinkle sugar over them and shove em in the oven for 10 - 15 minutes. The sugar is for the aesthetic tbh.
Take them out of the oven when they’re a delicious golden brown with an amazing smell because of your talent. The picture below shows overdone scones, in my opinion - then again, in my opinion, the best cooked scone is uncooked scone dough. Non-circular cutters don't really work because of the rising, but live your life!
That’s it! Super easy, and apparently delicious. Allegedly. I don’t see it. Serve with clotted cream and jam. Wait, is it jam and clotted cream? Either way, both are gross. Just eat them dry, smh.
I call this one, “For the love of God, stop letting me use the star cookie cutter, it doesn’t work for bakes you’re not supposed to use cookie cutters on.” Alternatively, “For the love of God, Cornwall, decide whether to be sunny or overcast so I can get some photos that look like they were taken seconds apart like these two were.” Seriously, the first one looks like I cooked these for my Greek family! (note to Greek family: if you’d like to invite me to Greece to cook you scones, i’m 100% down)
actually, last time i made them, they were more like cupcakes. went down in about 2 hours, as well. adjust the measurements according to how many gross bananas you have.
ingredience:
115g butter
230g sugar
2 eggs
4 mouldy (okay not mouldy) bananas
80ml milk
vanilla extract
290g self-raising flour
an excessive amount of chocolate chips
method:
preheat oven to 200°C/390°F/180°C fan/375°F fan
cream the butter and sugar
add the eggs, bananas, milk, and vanilla
sift in the flour and add the chocolate chips
mix slowly unless you want a slow, floury death by choking on slow, floury air
add to cupcake cases in a cupcake pan thingy
alternatively, use a loaf tin for chocolate chip banana bread #lifehack
cook for 10-15 minutes, until a fork/chopstick/toothpick/cursed monkey paw comes out clean
it’s not. stop asking. i didn’t just convert her cup measures to sensible measures, cut down the sugar, and edit the recipe slightly. not even this recipe.
... please cook mine instead.
these biscuits will save your life. and then ruin your life. because you CANNOT stop eating them. seriously. don’t make them. my recipe #slays.
ingredience for biskits [makes about 15]:
145g self-raising flour
65g cocoa powder
200g sugar
135g salted butter
1 egg
method:
Preheat oven to 200°C/390°F/180°C fan/375°F fan
Mix dry ingredients
Add butter and egg to dry and mix until combined
Shape the dough into small balls and squash them to a vaguely biscuity shape on a greased/papered baking tray
Cook for no more than ten minutes, until cooked. they should be very soft, or they will be burnt. they should harden when they cool. though.
ingredience for icing:
75g butter
salted or unsalted - up to you.
vanilla extract
175g icing sugar
method:
Combine the ingredients. That’s it.
Ice the biscuits when cool. or while they’re warm, if you like sludge icing and are impatient. which. mood.
made these for a dinner and Oh Boy, they went down a treat. so well that I had to steal this one from my dad while he wasn’t looking because everyone else had eaten theirs before i could take a photo. they look more aesthetic when they’re in their ramekins, trust me!
i sort of stole delia’s recipe and also a bbc goodfood recipe, but they were both dumb, so i improvised my own. NOTE: you may think it won’t make a lot, but so did i, and this recipe makes THIRTEEN. so, like, shrink it down if you don’t want 13 lava cakes because you hate fun and being happy.
ingredience: [once again, makes 13]
200g dark chocolate
the cheaper the better, we’re stingy
200g butter
i used salted but live your life!
~230g brown sugar
5 eggs
some vanilla extract
100g plain flour
cream
note: only required if you’re a bad person with no taste who thinks chocolate tastes better with cream on it.
method:
Melt the butter and chocolate together in a bain-marie, oui oui, or just in the microwave at low power if you want. (A ban mary is just a pot of water on the hob, and you put your metal bowl of chocolate and butter in the pot so it heats but doesn’t get wet or too hot, ygm? NOTE: DON’T PUT THE METAL BOWL IN THE MICROWAVE OH MY GOD!!!)
Set that aside to cool. I put it in the fridge cus I’m lazy and it cools it quickly. It doesn’t need to be 100% cold, but not hot. Like me - not cool or hot. Just kidding, I’m both very cool and very hot. I’m the most popular boy in school - why, even Harry Potter likes me.
Whisk in the sugar.
Whisk in an egg.
Whisk in an egg.
Whisk in an egg.
Whisk in an egg.
Whisk in an egg.
Whisk in a bit of vanilla extract, if you like.
Whisk in the flour.
Put batter into ramekins/little bowls/souffle pots/darioles/your mouth
At this point, you have two choices. Listen carefully. You need to serve them as soon as they’re cooked.
So, if you’re serving these as a dessert, as God intended, as I intended, put them in the fridge (or even freezer! the kitchen is your oyster!) until you need em, then preheat the oven to 200°C/180°C fan/390°F/350°F fan and pop the number you want in 10 minutes before you want to serve.
If you want to eat all 13 at once, I salute you. Godspeed, my child. Again, preheat the oven to those temperatures and cook them for ten minutes.
12. Cook for 10 - 12 minutes - this is up to your discretion. The top should be cracking quite severely, and you can see the liquid coming through.
13. Serve. They might come out as messes. I lied when I said to serve them straight away. I’m so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me, but I understand if that’s not something you can do. Leave them for a little bit to cool, then run a knife around the edge and tip them into bowls. Serve alone if you’re sensible, beautiful, and intelligent, and have great taste. Tip cream all over them if you are the child of an evil witch and the devil and you’re living on an island where people are mean to you because you’re the worst.
Absolutely wonderful. Delicious. The talent of this chef. Wow. Makes you think. About food. Because they’re delicious. Have another. Go on.
(this is your face when your sister tells you you can’t have a lava cake because you’re a cat and you can’t have chocolate, and also points out that she’s not your sister because she’s a human and you’re a cat)
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