fireheart

20 and writing things

[edelfernando-blog]

Your Last Word To Me Was Sorry

Sorry.

That was it.

One word and then...nothing—a dreading song of silence that muted all the pages we filled with words. A turning point from which the stories we were creating became one reprised in past tense.

Sorry.

That was it.

One word to sum everything up like it was all that I deserved. Like I was only worth two syllables of your life and not another more.

I looked for the missing letters in anger but no screams were loud enough to create an echo.

I searched for understanding in delusion but my mind was tortured with more questions.

I wanted to be okay with it, I promise. To be comfortable in not knowing but my hands kept on fidgeting for the truth.

Sorry.

That was it.

One meaningless word to define a meaningful mistake that obliterated everything I thought I knew.

I knew you.

I knew you were good.

I knew you were good enough to never bring a black gale of storm into my sunny paradise.

But I was wrong.

And all you said was sorry.

That was it.

One word and then...nothing.

-e.f

[myreticentvale-deactivated20231]

Keep the flame going for those we have lost to suicide. 

[maddisonkennedy-deactivated2017]

Couldn’t scroll

[thy-devil-princess-deactivated2]

I don’t give a fuck if this doesn’t suit your ‘theme’ have a heart and reblog.

[prisky0731]

couldn’t scroll past without re-blogging. Just couldn’t

[millie1536]

When I was about 12 a friend of mine who was 10 or 11 at the time killed herself. It’s been 5 years and I still think about her every day. One of my favourite memories of the two of us is when we were at school and I was teaching her how to do cartwheels. I remember her smiling and laughing when we’d fall over. I miss her.

[suntara]

There are so many people that we have lost to this, I couldn’t not reblog

[edelfernando-blog]

You called it love.

But, sweet thing, I think you were just sad.

[edelfernando-blog]

Come Over

You came along as everything I’ve hoped for and in the end, you've became everything I’ve to fight.

Your voice became the sound of my doubts.

Your face, the shadow of my fears.

Your hands, the claws of my dread.

Your eyes, a twin demon staring at me—locking me in the orbit of your wayward heart.

And your touch burned and burned and burned against my skin, inside my mind, across my thoughts and I was a moth blinded by a deceit of a light show and burned.

I’ve always been told to overcome those that seek to destroy me.

But what was—am— I against the monster that is what I feel?

Where do I take the fight when the enemy memorized my soul?

How do I overcome someone I’ve prayed and wished to come over on every star blazing and wan?

And the only answer I could lay to these questions is that maybe it isn’t too hard to overcome those that dare to break you.

Until they become something you love.

[writing-wanna]

Can some writeblr’s reblog this?

My dash feels devoid of writers and I want too read people’s work and interact?

[vanrambling]

Hellou

[adventurebeneaththewords]

hiyaaa :D

[raven-n-tha-moonlight]

Hullo!

[suntara]

Hiiiii!

[writeouswriter]

[edelfernando-blog]

This One Did

If love never leaves, I'm so sorry that this one did.

But eight months ago, I would never believe that one day, I would be called to burn us down and agree.

Not when the soles of my feet were still red after walking through the burning heart of hell for you and my hands were still shaking from holding on too tight.

There was nothing I wouldn't do just to save us. Nothing that I wouldn't care to give.

Sometimes, I wonder where we are now if I altered my choices. If I hadn't countered your need to talk with a one word reply or if I hadn't acted disinterested every time you tried to reach out.

Perhaps instead of writing this in critical hour of night, I'd be speaking to you over the phone and I would've been so happy with what we have.

If love never leaves, I'm so sorry that this one did.

Because this one couldn't accept that you're half here and half there with someone else—couldn't stand and watch how you hide it in a dusty closet and parade the other in daylight.

But let me tell you that sometimes, leaving is an unconventional way of loving.

Because by heaven and earth, I promise I love you—then and now and still.

But darling, I'm so tired of loving things that aren't really mine at all.

[edelfernando-blog]

The First Call

I apologize for being a coward. For not having the heart to tell you how much I love you because fear is a gun pointed at my face.

I’m sorry for never saying the words myself. For never letting you hear them.

But I hope you saw the truth with the way I cared.

I hope you heard it with the way I said good night. With the way I sang you to sleep.

I hope you noted it with the way I took a step closer when the whole world told me to take a step back. With the way I silently received all the shots of watching you choose her over and over right before my eyes.

And the way I stayed up all night and listened to your broken cries as you told me the tale of how much she broke you when I knew it’s still to her you’ll come home to after I dried off all your tears.

Edel Fernando

[edelfernando-blog]

Off-key

You told me you loved me but the words sounded forced—a wrong key in a perfect rhythm. Maybe you were just sick or you woke up on the wrong side of the bed or you had a bad day, I convinced myself even when all my instincts told me that there was a line in a well-structured poem that didn’t go with the rhyming scheme.

You made me feel alone when we were together. It was the same kind of alone the moon feels when the world sleeps on its presence. In the time zone of us, you chose time-travelling over this storyline or maybe to you, this was just this book you read for few pages and you could leave later to the dusts. Because every time I looked at you, every single damn time I called your name, you weren’t there at all. You were just there for the sake of saying you stayed.

When I leaned on your arms, it didn’t feel familiar. And when I felt like I was a visitor in my own home, I knew I already lost you. Right then I realized that my home was no longer mine to call because I wasn’t the only one who had the keys.

When I turned off the lights and closed the door, your eyes lit up. It was the contained burst of joy that made you shiver when I said goodbye, not the fear of losing me. No. You were never afraid of that.

When I finally left, you didn’t say a word. But I swear I heard you scream in true joy.

And it was the first time in months that I saw you happy—

The first time in years you looked real.

The most beautiful painful sight ever.

Edel Fernando

[edelfernando-blog]

The Next Life

Maybe in the next life, I can forgive you.

When we’re reincarnated as someone else with no memories left from the past and all of our mistakes were wiped away by our leaving.

Maybe in the next life, I can forgive you.

When we can meet each other again for the first time under better circumstances.

And you will tell me, you look familiar.

And I will tell you, strange, you do too.

Maybe there, we can claim what was never ours in this life.

Yes, I think maybe in the next life I can forgive you.

When I’m oblivious of how it feels like to lie on the cold bathroom floor wondering why you didn’t choose me, and perhaps I will never have to remember ever at all that somewhere in our past lives, you chose differently.

Maybe in the next life, I can forgive you.

But not in this one.

Not when your sins burn brightly across the letters of my own name and yours simply became something that I truly hate.

But maybe in the next life, I can forgive you.

And we can just smile at each other the way we can never do in this one.

Or maybe in the next life, we never have to meet each other again.

Edel Fernando

[edelfernando-blog]

The Dream That Reached Heaven Second

There were dreams I fought bravely for, and dreams I quit chasing.

There were those I couldn’t live to lose, and those I must lose to live

And seeing you walk into my life, I already knew how much I would allow myself to bleed. How many mountains I would move and carry and grow myself for you if I had to.

But as it turned out, you were just another dream I had to let go of.

Because you were a dream meant for someone else—an answered prayer and a wish promised to another.

And I was the girl who dreamt a little too late.

-Edel Fernando

[edelfernando-blog]

Secondary Color

Please stop telling me I’m your favorite color when we both know I will always remain secondary—the perfect combination of the love you lost and the love you long for.

Please stop telling me I’m your favorite color.

You only love me because I’m orange—

the closest thing that reminds you of red.

-Edel Fernando

[edelfernando-blog]

July Has Never Been This Cold

July has never been this cold.

The walls are shivering from the brutal winter of not hearing your voice, and the curtains keep asking me when you’re coming back. Only the long silence comes to answer.

You’re from another city.

Good heavens, I knew that. But I thought if I designed a love bigger than your world, you’d change your mind and stay. And the monumental thing I’ve learned from that, darling, is that hope breaks more hearts than goodbyes.

Because no matter how beautiful I decorate this town with lights and music or how perfect I polish the floors with new memories or how many times I repaint the walls with better colors, you still won’t call it your home.

Because you’re from another city, and your home is back there—waiting for you in a silk, sky blue dress. And when she asks you why you are late,

You will remember my name.

But you will never say it.

-Edel Fernando