12:17 A.M blues.
Im not really good at this whole writing thing, or expressing thoughts but I feel like I need to get some of this off my chest. My whole Elementary childhood I was smart, my parents gem, I played sports, did all my work, did chores, and didnt have to hide anything. Over these last few years, ive just grown tired, weary, very out of place. Originally I wanted to do electronics work for a living but after realizing how much that sucked I just kinda didnt know what to do. Ive slipped in school, I realized im not a good learner nor do I like school. I dont really want to just sit in a classroom for another 4 years after high school is done, while trying to pull 80 grand out of my ass to pay for it all. I mean doing body work on cars isnt bad and im alright at it but I dont really want to do that for a living either. And right now I dont want to stay at Wendys forever. Right now im just there 30 hours a week along with school. Making it so I have about 12 hours of free time a week. And in that free time Im not allowed by my parents to even hang out with friends so I just sit there, in my room, very similar to know, looking into the future. And honestly, it scares the shit out of me. I have to find a job that doesnt suck, I have to find somewhere to live, and I have to have some people to connect with. Originally I planned to just live with some friends in a shitty apartment for a couple years just to gather some money. But we all have different plans. Some want to go to college, but in like 12 different places. And others may want to start a family or something. Leaving me, all alone like always. And im not really the guy to ever have a girlfriend. I dont get very close to people. Im just the guy that people know, and like, because im not a douche. But very few people actually connect with me. And whenever I have an actual connection with a girl. Its always broken in some dumb type of way and im left alone again. I just look to the future and see nothing good. No friends, no job, no money, just me in some shitty apartment in like oregon or some state like that, working my 9-5 making just enough for a car, the apartment, food and weed. I guess im just sad. Since like middle school reality has struck me. Its like when youre really high up and someone says "dont look down," but you do it anyways, and you get wicked scared. Thats me, I live for the moment so the future scares the shit out of me once I look at it. People try to influence me to do this, do that, and my head just spins. All I do is think, sitting in this bed, having to be up in 5 hours, and I cant sleep. Im unorganized, in every aspect of my life. I start to many things at once, and then when it all comes time for them to conclude, I cant finish them all due to the fact that im so overwhelmed. Everything I do is messy, my writing, my room, my thoughts. Like for example in this little rant right here. Its all over the place and its basically how my mind is all the time. I just get thinking about all this shit, and it all just leaves me looking at my future with a gaping mouth. Every conclusion I have for myself ends up with me having a mental breakdown, looking back on my lifes crucial mistakes. Wondering why im all alone and sad. Everyone Ive ever loved too much I pushed away. So there ill sit, with a gun to my head, finger on the trigger, staring at the wall, where finally, I can end all this sorrow and confusion, stopping this fucking madness that I call my thoughts, they take over.
