I was driving home from school and my bored AF ADHD'er son managed to slip from his restraints and pop the sunroof before I could subdue him, and due to the speed I was going (Casual 230MPH down the highway 410) even just pushing the button a little bit caused my toyota yaris to depressurize like an airplane, squeezing my sons relatively pliable head thru the inch thick crack, and fully inverting both eardrums out of mine. Luckily for me, the spew of gore left over from the delta P that flew behind me had splattered all over the police in pursuit's windshields, causing them to swerve, roll, crash, and let the K-9s loose, who instead of chasing me on foot via long distance tracking of blood, presumably went right for the windshield, and officers, and began licking it up quite hungrilly. Finally able to safely slow down and approaching my driveway, I quickly shifted the car to neutral, then neutral, then another neutral to park it, and dug through my purse to put some chapstick on. I then found a q-tip, pushed my eardrums back in, and went inside. After making dinner for my husband I had a wonderful nights rest. The next day I woke up at 3:40 PM and realized I'd be late to pick my son up from school, so I hauled ass back over to the elementary. After waiting in line for HOURRRRS I had remembered- I dont have a son... I have a baby! Babies don't go to school! Looking lovingly in the rearview mirror to smile at what would- should have been my precious darling, I instead saw a ghastly sight. Like, it still shakes me to this day. I dont know who- or what was there in the seat, but it wasn't my little baby. My baby isn't gray and green. And my baby smells good, not bad. I grabbed them, shook them, demanding to know who they are and what they want with my family, but they just rolled their head around to mock me. Running out the car screaming, I called 911, inconsolable, there's been a kidnapping, I have a suspect here with no identification and theyre not speaking. Yes. Yes. Uh, about a foot tall. Pale complexion. HURRY UP. The operator says the citys last 2 cops were killed in a standard procedure freak accident last evening so no ones coming to help then hung up the phone. Dejected, I leaned against the hood of my car, and sobbed. Utterly hopeless... Until, on the horizon, I saw it. Two tan dots running down a distant hill... THE POLICE DOGS! Turns out, they HAVE been tracking my cars blood trail! Things are finally going my way! After about half an hour they get here, and I welcome them, but they just ignore me in favor of sniffing the ground a lot. Eventually they started nosing at the door handle so I pulled it, and both dogs instantly leapt in, tearing the intruder to shreds. The ruckus rolled my car forwards a bit, and by the time I realized what was happening, it was too late. Since I have 5 neutral gears installed it just didnt stop, and I watched everything come to a head as it shot full speed downhill, out of sight within seconds. I dialed 911 again to tell them their police dogs had jacked my car and that I'd be suing the city for $6,000 to cover it, but before the operator could get a word in, the loudest sound in the fucking world played through my phone speaker, something so loud that I could have swore I heard it from outside the call as well. I said I'd be suing for damages to my hearing as well, but they didn't respond. I think I scared them off. Serves them right.
