angst and grace

edrll || 20's || radiologic technologist || med student ♥ hashtag tracker: #edrllstudies

[edrll]

So, my Saturday went like this.

I did my advance studying in Microbiology and read some Manga as my break.

I'm loving this sweater weather. It kinds sucks that it has to rain this much to really enjoy it, though. I made a chill playlist and I'd like to share it with y'all once I finished it. ヽ(o^ ^o)ﾉ

[edrll]

the core intimacy of making a private playlist for some you can't have - you revealed facets of yourself previously unseen, embracing authenticity in its purest form with someone you love but can't have. perhaps the timing isn't quite right—or you are not yet prepared to confront the fact lying beneath the surface that he/she really doesn't love you the way you do.

soft sapphic - you believed it mere infatuation, a fleeting girl crush, confided in your closest confidant. aware that this love is one you can never embrace, for she walks a path untouched by your affections. so, you resign yourself to love her from a distance, whispering your adoration into the wind. hoping against hope, perhaps one day, one day or someday, amidst the quiet backdrop of shared memories, she'll love you, too.

the earthy smell after rain and sunsets - that vibe after heavy rain as the earth exhales its musky fragrance and the sky blushes with hues of orange, you find yourself gazing out the window, cradling a warm cup of cocoa. lost in contemplation, you ponder the pathways untaken, wondering what might have transpired had you chosen differently.

photos from lovesdaya

[midnightripping]

For those who are going through hell, but still keep going…

[perfectquote]

“My life is a struggle between my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, and a desire to not care at all.”

— Unkown

[edrll]

a quick, deserved break from the chaos of medicine school so i won’t be crippled by the thought of a) not being good enough, b) being “good” at something else & being a “bad” medical student, c) breaking down and constantly think the other choices above over and over again.

if you’ve already been here in my place, please help me recover and remind me not to beat myself up

current read: buy yourself the f*cking lilies — tara schuster

[edrll]

Another Saturday reviewing lessons from whole last week. I’m a lazy mofo ugh

[edrll]

First year of Med School is finally done!

Just want to share with you my study area. I’m thinking of doing major redecoration, and tech upgrades such as mouse and keyboard. Still super happy with my gaming laptop though. Will add some good lighting and will definitely do some painting and sketching so my wall won’t stay dull and all. I can’t wait to redecorate my area and share it with y’all.

First year was tough with online classes and distance learning setup but I am hopeful that I will be promoted to second year.

PS. Get vaccinated when you have the chance. Stay at home and be safe.

[iamfinallybreakingfree]

Don’t believe that you are the bad person your abusive parents claim you are.

[edrll]

☁️ 𝓊𝓅𝒹𝒶𝓉𝑒 ☁️

First day of classes is getting closer and closer and I’m still floating in my anime marathon cloud nine. I have downloaded some reading materials for me to read in advance, but I’m wasting my time and days browsing lots of manga. 

I scanned my subjects this semester and tbh, I’m a bit overwhelmed. I have no idea where to start and what strategy or plan I will use to study.  Though, I miss writing and going crazy with my post-its and highlighters, I’m still doing unnecessary things just to avoid studying. Help!

Anyway, hope y’all having a blast this day. Let’s also pray for Lebanon, Indonesia and for the whole world for protection and healing. 

[neuromedical]

Looking at something truly gross

People, usually: Eww, what the fuck is that *looks away*

Med students: Eww, what fuck is that *looks closer*

[neckkiss]

[edrll]

soon ♥

[edrll]

med school

My mom used to force me say, “I want to be a doctor,” whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was four years old back then. 

Years have passed, they asked again and I answered like, “Flight stewardess, Computer engineer... Model.” It was like I was guessing, confused to what I was good at and had no idea what my future would be. 

Then I stepped in to high school. Those glory days made me see where I was good at. I discovered I was really talented enough to enter the world of pageantry. (My mom exposed me to pageants since I was in nursery, though). I also found out that I could do well at the things I wanted to learn. My grades in Science, English, Mathematics, History, etc. were actually very good. But I have come to realize that I could not master anything. I was a Jack-of-all-Trades. I was good at anything but nothing sparked my soul.

I graduated high school with honors yet without plans for my future. College applications came, I was not interested enough to take entrance exams to state universities or private universities. I did not give my best. I rebelled.

My eldest sister (a very successful Physical Therapist)  then gave me a call when my mom told her I was acting up. The call was like a freaking slap on my face. She said I was good in Science and with my personality and charm, I would do well in healthcare community. She told me I should not waste my potential. I really did not see myself working a hospital. I could see myself back then in an office but never in a hospital. I thought about it carefully. 

I pursued a Bachelor’s degree of  Radiologic Technology. The program was fascinating and mind-blowing. I enjoyed every parts of it. It really made me who I am today. It made me remember what I really, really wanted back then. To be a doctor.

That forceful “I wanted to be a doctor” statement was actually engraved deep down in my heart.  Discouragements in pursuing med school were always there. “You’d just waste 10 years of your life.” “You should just work abroad because you’re course is very in demand at the middle east.” They kept on punching me with their truths. But I was more than willing to gamble for the answers that has been bothering me for many years of curiosity. And the answer is just take the risk and reach for my dream. 

(Tip: Never ever pursue medicine if you are just forced to do so, or it really isn’t what you wanted to do. )

Now, I am more than happy to say that I will study medicine; more than grateful for my family who’s always been supportive since day 1. ♥

I might also post about my NMAT Journey and give y’all some personal tips to ace it. For now, ciao!

PS. Stay home. Wash your hands. Pray.