Massively Affected Neuro Nerd

Mass Effect junkie. Lover of beer, coffee, flannels, neuroscience, and hot sauce (not necessarily in that order). Gay. He/him. STEM-inist and science enthusiast. Currently looking to dabble in writing.

[batarians-deactivated20170503]

[pixalry]

Mass Effect - Created by Exu1a

[deadlymaelstrom]

[elaadens]

[eehzo-blog]

An Act of Integrity

“You don’t have to talk,” she sighed as she toyed with her omni-tool, “but you could at least listen. Lay down, please.”

The final hurrah against the Reapers and I’m stuck in the Med Bay flailing my arms like a toddler on red sand. Dr. Chakwas knew damn well that I would’ve slapped on enough medi-gel to sedate an Elcor if it meant I got to complete the mission. Our mission. The only invasive procedure planned was a raid of the Citadel, not a full-body scan on my joints, bowels, and feelings.

Stumbling to align my body on the bed, I heard a sharp crack divide my back into two. I groaned as the dings on my arms began to darken, contorting my stoic decline into a measly slouch at best. A gnawing pain developed on the left side of my head, a slight tingling sensation throughout my torso retaliating. The doctor shook her head as she let out a slight huff of disapproval.

“I get that I don’t completely understand,” she muttered in the most maternally belligerent fashion, signaling a brighter emission from my landscape of bruises.

“That’s right, you don’t understand in the slightest. You really don’t understa-“

Before finishing my thought, I felt my neck violently spasm to the cadence of my body’s hums. Without hesitation, Dr. Chakwas sprinted to the bed while calmly unpacking a small quantity of medi-gel, her hands shaking as she struggled to open the package. In a swift maneuver, she gently flipped me to my side and began to administer the goop across my back. With each stroke, my knots eased into her delicately firm rhythm. Even with everything go to hell, a slight smile escaped my misery.

“I’ve lost too many friends, Doctor,” I lamented, hoping to break the tension. “Seeing London in shambles, seeing him walk away…”

There was so much more I wanted to say. He needed to know how much it hurt losing him the first time. God, it took becoming the biggest freak in the Alliance to finally get over the fact that the man I loved was gone before he knew how I felt! The amount of pain I endured over the past two years… Honestly, he knew I can’t do that again.

He needed to know that these past few months redefined my life. I’ve come to realize that when survival includes more than just yourself, you start to reevaluate every choice. Every second becomes another chance to prove a point. I’ve wasted too many.

He needed to know that my kisses lingered with purpose, that our first time the night before melded us into one. He needed to know that I wanted more than just a first time. I wanted a lifetime.

Above all, he needed to know that his final stand stood as more than just a personal reckoning. I needed him to know that I wasn’t letting him go unless we went down as a team. A pair of old soldiers. Just like day one.

Dr. Chakwas retreated to her station, leaving me to reminisce. A tear swelled as I reluctantly queued up a recording on my omni-tool, hoping for solace.

“No matter what happens, know that I love you. Always.”

I glared at the floor, holding back any shred of emotion that would prompt conversation. Failing to lighten the mood, the doctor inched closer to my bedside as I let Shepard’s words drift about the Crew Deck.

“You did the right thing,” she whimpered assertively while attempting an embrace.

“I did what I was told! All I did was follow his damn orders!” I shouted, falling to the floor to dart from her grasp. In a single thud, a blue aura engulfed my body as my head shattered against the interior of the infirmary.

“Trusting him, following his orders… That was strongest thing you could’ve done. Don’t let him be an anchor, Kaidan.”

I jumped as the baritone notes flung across the air, interrupting any remnant of animosity festering. The voice cracked as it echoed, trailing as he reached his final syllable. My biotics quelled amid reorienting myself on the ground, searching for reassurance. As I peered through the window, a shadow of a man diligently sulked about the commons, avoiding eye contact as my gaze locked on his wallowing.

Heading towards the elevator, his march died with a twist back, an almost melancholy gavotte. Finally acknowledging my stare, he let out a smirk before retreating to the Armory.

Damn it, Steve.

Breaking an eternity of hush, the doctor aggressively fumbled through her data pads strewn about her office. Ignoring the cluster of files on the floor, she threw a single report at me upon uncovering it from her desk. Haphazardly analyzing every character, I let the audio play as the log trailed on.

Priority: The Citadel II

“Thank you, Commander. And Shepard… I need you to know that I’ll never doubt you again. I’ve got your back.”

The doctor grinned as my brewing storm of tears took hold.  

I’ll never doubt you Shepard. And I’ll always love you.

[pepegle]

[penaswalker]

[eehzo-blog]

Trial and Error

“We’re just going to run a few more tests, Mr. Alenko.”

The pain had subsided, but they insisted that they triple check before they let me go. I felt a slight tingling in my chest, a faint murmur of cool tones oozing from within. They’d been prodding me for an eternity and my biotics could only take so much; they don’t need to run anymore scans to determine that I’m a freak. Walking? Sure, even a baby could stumble across this tiny cell they call an intensive care unit. They knew that I was ready, that I could make the air dance: they saw me give a slight motion to generate enough energy to power the Citadel for days. I’m starting to get the idea that they don’t want me to leave.

“I know that this has to be uncomfortable for you,” Dr. Michel rambled, rushing to fit every word into a single breath, “but we need to confirm that your psychological state’s intact. It’ll just be a simple physiological and behavioral analysis, nothing more.”

I teased my hair before letting out a barely audible groan. She meant well, but I could be out there. Shepard’s on Tuchanka kicking Reaper ass while I’m busy reaving the life out of a CPR dummy that’s seen more action than an Asari at Purgatory. The more Thane stops in to babble endlessly about him, it’s been hard to think about anything else. Seeing cars whiz by doesn’t have the same pizzazz as watching the galaxy swirl as your ship caresses every inch of the never-ending expanse. Sure, positive results are great and all, but why sit on your ass and twirl your arms a bit when you could be exploring the unknown? Putting a smile on someone’s face for reasons superior to simply surviving? I appreciate the summaries, but even tales of adventure don’t compare to the thrill of grounding in a foreign field and gracing its landscapes in child-like awe and wonder.

To be frank, maybe that’s just the shitty snacks talking.

Two Salarian technicians behind the doctor toyed with some monstrous machine while an audience of underlings orderly scribbled of how I stared blankly at the wall ahead of me. Dr. Michel had closed the blinds opening my room up to the view of traffic to my left, prompting my eyes to shutter at the drastic change in ambiance. Attacked by a frantic beeping noise, all semblance of serenity faded as my body spasmed out of confusion.

“Sorry, just had to make sure everything was working,” one of the aliens muttered, meticulously caring to the device across the way. A hand stroked my shoulder as the glaring sounds began to fade.

“This’ll be done in no time,” the doctor giggled. Her grasp weakened as she monitored my vitals bouncing on the screen beside me. “All we’re going to do is sit and watch. Try to relax and stay as you are.”

I get the whole scientific process thing, but observing me do nothing? You must be kidding me! I huffed after a slight moment to reorient myself. The doctor winced in response, pursing her lips as she pulled a chair closer to my bedside. She’s trying to help, I really shouldn’t be such an ass. I gave her a slight nod and mustered the sincerest fake smile I could fashion.

Great, now she probably thinks I’m having a stroke. I’m never getting out of here.

Unable to find a comfy position, I tussled with the sheets on the bed as the medical staff gawked at my every move. A gentle force coaxed the doctor out of my line of sight, an action accompanied with a stern tap on the back. I let my eyelids droop in a half-assed attempt to mellow out. After a few minutes, a hush fell over the room, silence littered only by the occasional peep of a pen meeting paper. Any notion of chaos around me faded as my vision dimmed. Before my eyes completely shut, I got one last glimpse at the few knick-knacks haphazardly strewn across my dinky side table: a few cards, a note from Udina, a small model of a Turian Cruiser that glistened in the faint lights that buzzed from one screen to another.

And of course that damn bottle of Peruvian Whiskey.

I let my head ease into the craters of my pillow shortly before falling victim to my overwhelming fatigue.

“I don’t know if you can hear me, but since you can’t tell me to get the hell out, I’m going to take my chances,” his voice rang, sending a delicate sting to my head while warming my chest.

He’s taken enough chances. I’m the one that should’ve taken my chances. I should’ve let him know how I felt. I lost my voice when we froze our asses off together on Noveria, reduced to that dumbass smile I can never wipe off my face. My tears overtook me when Ash went down in a blaze of glory with Kirrahe and his crew on Virmire. I wanted nothing more than to hug him when Saren fell on the Citadel, when we were decorated as heroes and everything finally felt normal again. My honor betrayed my heart our last time on the SR-1, the final moment we had together before… Well… Before all this.

In an instant, I felt my bed glide like the Mako into the monitor positioned beside the doctor. One of the Salarians laid sprawled on the floor, cradling his knee and rocking back and forth.

Relaxation my ass.

“Doctor, activity levels spiked in the reward circuit, highest activity in the hippocampus. Heart rate increase not abnormal, but higher than baseline. Implant optimally responding to stress.”

“Exactly what we were waiting for.”

[bioticjelly-deactivated20200504]

[eehzo-blog]

End of the Road

Dark would be an understatement. What the hell just happened? Forced into gyration by the panicked ruckus consuming me, I felt my biotics begin to tense a bit. Every sound echoed, gaining traction until they culminated in a sporadic sharp pain beneath my skull. A minor discomfort lodged itself into the right side of my head. Now was not the time. A more violent ache festered until each mental twinge propagated throughout my body. My body locked as I felt myself bounce, my legs dragged across the rugged landscape as noises whizzed past incoherently.

“Normandy, do you copy? I need an evac, right now!”

Salt seeped into my mouth as a faint shadow of a man appeared before me. His voice wrestled with the auditory debris cluttering my thoughts. I felt a calming sensation radiate to my limbs as I heard him bellow once more.

“C’mon!” he whispered as he wrapped himself around me, securing my side with his firm embrace. I had no clue how I could, but I slowly began to see my feet match his in a race to the muddled ship ahead. My head rested on his shoulder as he pulled my weight, intently ignoring the explosions parading through our route. I struggled to gain my balance as we slowed to a halt, exasperation gnawing at us all. I could make out Liara standing in front of me, reaching to guide me up the moderate incline into the safety of the ship.

“Here, take him,” I heard him sigh. Not expecting to lose his touch, I fell into Liara’s grasp.

“Shepard!” I yelped, my voice cracking.

“You gotta get out of here!”

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.”

“Don’t argue with me Kaidan!” he pointedly retaliated, breaking any thought I had and refuting any excuse I’d probably fumble to reason.

Something didn’t feel right. The way he yelled, it didn’t seem sincere. A tremble overtook his last syllables, burying his husky tone and slurring his speech into rapid-fire thought. His fist clenched for dear life as his hand jittered to the cadence of the rumbling ambiance.

“Don’t leave me behind.”

No time to think. He’s still here. I looked down, making out little of the chaos swarming us. I had been here before. As my head attempted to make peace with gravity’s demands, a distorted image grappled to gain my attention. I knew it was him, but I couldn’t believe it. His leg shook, fumbling for stability in the rubble surrounding us. My body swayed as Liara struggled to hold my tattered armor upright, her hands slipping from the carnage completely coating every inch of her being. My focus persevered: a gentle melody sang as I attempted to follow his quivering lips.

“No matter what happens, know that I love you. Always.”

After a slight reposition, I felt his warm breath dance on the nape of my neck. As his hand glossed my stubbly cheek, his caress validated my worst suspicions. His lips sunk as our eyes connected. I had to be strong.

For him.

“I,” I struggled, my breath failing to surf through the war-laden air engulfing the devastated London theater. “I love you, too.”

A pause lingered as he held me for what felt like an eternity. I awakened to the thought of reality as my body jiggled to the rhythm of the Asari panting behind me.

“Be careful,” I squelched, squandering for the right thing to say. I knew fighting him wouldn’t make things any better. My vision began to blur as a slight pang stung my eyes. He began to back away, his stare still analyzing the blood painting the divots of my face.

“Go!”

The frozen man in front of me wasn’t somebody that I had known. The lifeblood of the SR-1 didn’t arrive on Earth, the hero that saved his final moments to make a confident leap of faith. The fiery agent of Horizon failed to live to see Earth’s decimation, though his defiance arguably reincarnated into a demure relative of what it once was. The arms that held me on the Citadel… The arms that held me last night… They didn’t bolster enough strength to endure the hellish ending that became of us all. Instead, a new man stood aghast, blindly gazing at the little semblance of normality that centered his mind.

He was scared. I was scared. And I couldn’t do anything but watch him run away.

[xeria-x]