Lee

24 / This has basically become a gender diary.

[eeriequeery]

Sometimes I think, I’ll give them one good year.

Shave my whole body, grow out my hair, wear dresses, date a man.

Give them one good year, and then kill myself.

I wonder if they’d know then, how painful it was to be what they wanted.

But I don’t want revenge, and I don’t want them to feel guilty. I love my family. I just want to get it through their heads. I don’t want them to mourn me.

But sometimes it feels like they mourn now. They mourn her.

[eeriequeery]

My mom just saw my hairy legs and jokingly said “you are NOT becoming a boy, you’re a GIRL.”

As if she couldn’t get any more on the nose…

I love my mom, genuinely. She’s like my best friend. I love my family. I don’t relate to the way my friends complain about theirs. I love being around my family. And they love being with me. I don’t want to be the black sheep.

What I don’t understand is- if I don’t do any of the girly stuff and it’s fine. What the difference if I’m a boy? I keep my transness a secret, but it’s common knowledge that I’m masculine. I don’t conceal my personality for them. If they can accept who I am as a person, why can’t they get over this one little thing? What difference does it make if I look male?

[eeriequeery]

Can’t come out until I look male. Can’t transition until I come out.

I don’t want to be the girl standing in front of her family telling them she’s a boy.

That’s how they’ll see it. And I don’t want to look the way I do now and have them call me “he”. I want it to match, to make sense. Gender is more fluid for some people, and that’s great. But it’s not like that for me. I just want to be a guy. And I can’t stand here, tits and all, and ask them to call me their son.

Maybe that’s more for their sake than mine, I don’t know.

I want to go far away, and come back as their son, grandson, nephew, brother.

And that wouldn’t be easy for them either, I know that. But I’m scared of the in between. The transitional period. God, the irony.

[eeriequeery]

There is no relief for my chest dysphoria.

Can only wear a binder so long. Tape feels like a fucking push up bra. Big clothes don’t help. These things are not mid size. They’re fucking unavoidable. Can’t ignore it. I feel them all the time. They move. Can feel them against my arms and folded over onto my ribs. It’s fucking twisted. I can’t sit alone, with no witness, no restriction. Can’t exist ALONE in peace. There’s no peace when your own body is the fucking curse.

“Persistent, well documented gender dysphoria”

That’s first on the list, on how to end this. What does that fucking mean. Therapy?

I need to lose weight first. I need to get fit. That’s step one, and it’s been step one for fucking years. My body fights me every step of the way. PCOS, insulin resistance. Fucking hormones, fucking curse of being female. Everything contradicts itself, everything’s a paradox. Can’t do x until you do y, but need y to do x.

It’s fucking exhausting. I can’t take it anymore.

[eeriequeery]

Realizing that 100% of my transition will take place under the Trump regime is… not fun

[100493503004422]

me [coming to terms with a truth about myself]: hm..................................................... unfortunate

[eeriequeery]

Feliciano is a soft dom I said what I said

also Ludwig has a praise kink but won’t admit it

[eeriequeery]

First shot at gouache! Did a little test run with my girl Ramone before starting my next commission 👌✨

[eeriequeery]

Is it just me or do Gabriel and Beelzebub give off huge Andrew and Allison from “The Breakfast Club” vibes

[greyannis]

[greyannis]

Big hard to draw girl

[eeriequeery]

Shiiiiit I love everything about this

[insomniac-arrest]

southern waitress: hey sugar, what can I get you for?

waitress: can I get you a refill baby?

waitress: want me to take that away for ya’ honey?

my gay ass, palms sweaty, knees spaghetti: … what are we?

[vir-adahlen]

this joke is gay and lesbian solidarity 

[secretlesbiancommunication]

I want to fucking cuddle with a girl

I want to fucking cuddle with a girl

I want to fucking cuddle with a girl

I want to fucking cuddle with a girl

I want to fucking cuddle with a girl

I want to fucking cuddle with a girl

I want to fucking cuddle with a girl

I want to fucking cuddle with a girl

I want to fucking cuddle with a girl

[eeriequeery]

Ok I’ve never watched Andi Mack but in that scene where Buffy was like “you just say what you need to say to get what you want, but you don’t mean any of it” and TJ was like “you’re right~” Like that was some gay bitch energy if I’ve ever seen it.

[doafhat]

[eeriequeery]

I have been waiting for this moment for so long I’m so fucking happy you guys 💖

[eeriequeery]

The way butter’s smile is a little too high on his face like if you agree