Gott ist Tot

Grudge (Pitt/AM) ⛤ it/he ⛤ bpd nightmare ⛤ 18+ hornyposting+hateposting ⛤ marxist nihilist misanthrope

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

ya boy's gone evil

18+ blog where the only freedom of speech is mine. hornyposting and hateposting. I'm full of shit and I misuse terms sporadically. I cuss. I use blasphemies as connectors. I use all the slurs I can reclaim. I'm bitchy. I'm God.

«in the masculine, the paternal, the patriarchal. for he is a jealous people. God as Daddy the Deranged»

«the divine and the machine, the primal and animalistic instinct to gnaw»

made this sideblog just to be insufferable online since spacehey bulletins are too public and livejournal requires more thought.

it/he I use xenogenders and microlabels but you will know me as unlabeled I like dick and trannies I have suspected bpd, cyclothymia, schizotypal and depression (no dipshit the commas work as "or") I'm a misanthrope I have no filters I'm annoying as fuck

tag list not because i give a fuck but because sorting is my guilty pleasure

#the pitts of hell -> generic textpost tag

#amp -> reblog tag

#horned up -> hornyposting

#AlliedMastercomputing -> hateposting

#i need that diagnosis now -> self-reflection i guess

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

"if i cant love you as a lover i will love you as a friend" or whatever la dispute said

im #kms

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

deeply in love and i don't know what to do about it

I'm a pleasure seeker on every front I've been looking for new people for the sole purpose of having some other option because I'm too emotionally tied to my long-time friends and everyone else (long-time) that doesn't suit that category deeply pisses me off

I can't bring myself to make a move with anyone although I pride myself in being a top

I'm a spoiled slut, too many people (except for one) are into me but they're not the kind of person I look for and I believe I have the right to complain as if I don't get off to their attention

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm a mess. my emotions are all over the place. my perception of anything is warped. people's perception of me is warped and I can't do anything about it because it's all derived from my own doing.

"I'm sorry I've put that much emotional baggage on your shoulders. I've been struggling all my life. I can't seem to find anyone who gets me and when I do, it takes very little to ruin everything. I'm not mean because I want to I'm mean because I can't seem to find any other way to ask for help

all I need is someone who'd hold me when I lash out. even if I fight back"

I bite because I've taught myself to. I can't help myself. it's not my intention to hurt. and if it was it would be nothing like that

I've been angry for as long as I can remember. when do I get a chance to prove I'm not violent for my own will?

[chortlebot]

every time i post abt bullshit on this website i tell myself its the last time but alas i always come back to it because anger is one of the three emotions i can reliably feel next to pride and being loved

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

yeah whatever I'm emotionally unstable and will lash out at you just because I want to cry in your arms but a higher power won't let me say that and no matter how bad a fight we have you'll always be on a pedestal for me

#one-sidedcodependency

whatever man

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

i hate the way you use homestuck terms and quadrants it's fucking childish and stupid but I can't help but think that all we had was nothing more than a kismesissitude

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

I'm literally the stereotype of the weird guy that's lowk obsessed with you but you got a partner and he's jealous of your partner

girl whatever

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

30+ messages about it at 2 to 4 am is borderline insane but god forbid i feel strongly about something

im pissed off whatever

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

you gotta be fucking kidding honestly

I don't even care what you said, getting all sappy on your blog about me because it's apparently easier than just talking it out whatever (and I'm supposed to let that go when if I do the same I get basically scolded whatever)

it's idiotic that after I said countless times that you don't have to please me in any way for me to care you still hold that against me for not being a picture perfect toy

I said from the beginning that I was a handful

yes I'm a terrible person and an even worse friend

but I never saw you as lesser than

or someone to be pitied, or taken care of whatever

I saw you as someone who understood

but apparently you can act like a pro

you don't need fucking adderall you need a blow to the head and someone to fix that flawed system ya got going on

because you "didn't get anything in return" but I always put you first, I always told you everything, we texted every day, I held you when you cried and didn't judge you about it and I never judged you for anything you'd apologize for

and you still proved that what ive always been scared of was actually true. you're the one example of the reason i feel like I'll never fit in. this whole ordeal alone is representative of the factors that make me feel like a literal child whenever i try to get close to people my age/older/cooler

all that because I'm neurodivergent and obviously you never bothered to understand

whatever man I hope you get the life you always dreamed of

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

yeah no I'm probably going to kill myself on my birthday what the fuck

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

I should probably do what any sane person would do and get some under-the-counter antidepressants and just let myself go

I mean the only person I thought gave a genuine shit about me actually hardly even saw me as a person what do I have left if not substance abuse and probably death

I don't even give a fuck I need to feel something

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

came to the conclusion that I can't stand people who only think in black and white

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

I don't care about anything y'all say I need J.K. Rowling DEAD

spent my night arguing with my father about her most recent controversy (posting a picture of a trans woman's upskirt then saying it was her fault for dressing that way) and this bitch said "well that's a public figure, matter-of-factly that's not violating anyone's privacy" GIRL WHATEVER

you can not approve of someone's identity/lifestyle/choices WITHOUT disregarding their rights as a human being

and he DOESN'T want to get it

I mean this is what you get from having a right-wing father I guess

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

have I been bad at expressing myself or is he just retarded beyond saving

because what the fuck I said countless times I could never bring myself to hate you and that's fucking killing me right now

I got mad whatever I do that which is why I need to get checked seriously and I kept dragging it so much I can't have anything healthy anymore I think I'll kill myself whatever he doesn't even give a fuck and I don't think he ever did just like anyone else

he only cared until I was nice and kind and at his beck and call

which I still would be because it's the only way I know to actually fix things words have no meaning

"I'm put in the same place as your ex bf" you dipshit let me fucking vent in peace I need to let shit out somehow

I don't come kicking your ass about every single blog post you make about me whatever

"that quadrant term doesn't roll off my tongue nice" was your way of saying that it meant nothing and you don't see me as I see you or what

fuck you man don't talk to me until you admit your faults

even if I doubt you'd want to talk to me again

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

was I too rough? oh good because I absolutely don't give a fuck

god forbid I also end up being fed up with your bullshit

I'm not lesser than you, I'm equal and I will act as such

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

I'd be so much better to you if you let me in on the same things everyone else knows

because otherwise I'm just some guy

can't tell me I'm not willing to do things if you simply don't bother asking

what the fuck was all that for

[eexpvnsivemistvkes]

I'm the kind of person who'd cry at a concert not out of happiness but out of frustration

like fuck my LIFE i should have been there EARLIER