Maya @egg-flavoured-ass-gass - Tumblr Blog

I suppose I just want people to miss me. I want people to understand me so I don’t always feel like an outsider having to explain myself over and over again. I’m really tired of sticking out like a sore thumb and I’m really tired of knowing what people think of me despite holding out hope that they may prove me wrong. I’m seeking home in people that don’t have a good foundation. They very clearly don’t value me and I’m putting emphasis on a relationship that sucks because it’s nice to feel valued. It’s nice that at least once in a while I’m desired and attractive but I do often feel like a gust of wind. I’m moving through these people with not much of a disturbance. Merely a wind shaking their leaves and despite it all they’re still standing. They’re still fine. And I’m the one who has to move on. I’m the one who has to make peace without closure, and I’m the one who knows deep down that no one will stay long enough to help me mend my wounds. To help rehabilitate me and my aching bones after I’ve given you the pleasure of knowing me. After you’ve absorbed my humour and my intellect, after I smoothed out some kinks in your character. I’m nothing but a gust of wind to folks and I don’t know how long I can keep pretending that I’m fine with it. I’m not. I want someone to ache for me, as I have for them. I want my love to be reciprocated with the same intensity that I give. I would love to experience the love I give to others.

#into the void #dni #do not interact #who am i

Sometimes I feel like I have no friends and that i can’t reach out to anybody to talk about things with. The queer people I’ve managed to be friends with love to be people tourists and actually don’t care about me in a way that doesn’t service them. I’m nobody’s first preference and I’m nobody’s best friend. They may be my best friend but I’m not theirs. They’re fine without me.

#into the void #do not interact #dni

They’re eyebrows. They’re not a big deal. Please leave me alone.

#into the void #do not interact

Also there are quite a few aspect is of myself that I’ve gained clarity and insight into. Firstly , perhaps even the toughest pill to swallow was the fact that i am a lesbian. Not was, nor maybe - I am. I always have been. I’ve been so deluded by male validation and a semblance of self esteem developed through the lens of others that I failed to recognise my own autonomy and never realised how uncomfortable I was pretending to be something I’m not. All my success has come from my personal interests and now I feel like I’m riding off the. Coattails of my former self. More importantly, my former motivations. I’m 23, and the world still spins. I have yet to achieve anything amazing and despite it all, I am still alive. I also have PCOS and ADHD which is a fantastic reminder of how hard everything is for me despite the privileges I currently have. Mum has gotten better and dads oddly distant. Kiddo is sassy as hell and it genuinely pisses me off. I feel like my intellect is deteriorating because I’m not consuming quality media and I’m also not reading. I spend a lot of time on social media platforms because it’s much easier to turn my brain off and laugh at superficial videos than to dedicate myself to a hobby completely. I’m kinda banking on this vtuber thing because it’s the only hobby I deeply care about and want to put in a solid effort into, but I fear that I’m going to make a mistake or that it’s not going to be up to everyone’s expectations. I’m waiting to study my masters and I’m praying that I can travel more. I loved the independence I has in Japan, even though I wasn’t a huge fan of the things I did myself. I want to live and I want to fly but right now I feel like a bird trapped in a cage. My wings are getting crushed and it’s only a matter of time before I break out with a bang. I know there’s greatness waiting for me. I’m not stupid, I never have been.

#who am i #into the void #dni #do not interact

It’s been a while. And I often find myself drawn back to this app because I have such deep and dark thoughts that I’m reluctant to share with anyone. I’m grateful for my health, I’m grateful for the experiences and brief kinship I had with my friends. Unfortunately I feel like I’ve been cast out. That I’ve not been considered and I’ve been neglected. I feel as if my once called friends are better off with out me and don’t care to include me in things that I know they know I’m passionate about. Imagine thinking you’re friends with all these people and they have a group chat with every single person in that group except you. On the one platform they KNOW I’m the most active on. I’m tired. I feel like I’m the odd one out in everything and every group I’m in. For my entire life I can recall feeling left out despite any friend group I’m in. Even in my family I’m the odd one out. They can’t handle that I dyed my brows or draw fake freckles on my face. I can’t tell if I’m weak or my mental is lacking but hearing this rhetoric of being “weird” and “odd” and having it reflected physically and socially in every context I’m in makes me feel so unwanted. So undesired. So defeated and so tired. I always push these thoughts down in fear of me being ungrateful- or that these encounters are normal. But there’s this overwhelming loneliness that I can’t find a solution for. I’m not ready for a relationship. I only seek to build a home with my friends - a sense of belonging where I’m equally valued and cared for. But I’ve yet to find it. I fear I may never find it. I have to keep pushing on even though everyone laughs at me. Even though they undermine me or call me stupid or say I’m ugly. I have to believe that I’m worthy of the life and privileges I’ve been given in the midst of everyone else. I must prevail.

#into the void #dni #do not interact #vent

Like she’s so fucking annoying. I don’t even have friends to vent about this with. The two people that I loved more than anything in the world won’t travel for a fucking hour to see me. They don’t message me. They’re too busy. I can’t vent to my streamer friends because I have to maintain a coworker type of relationship and no one has my back like that. I don’t blame them, I don’t blame anyone for not being able to deal with me. But the two people I fuckjng needed don’t need me anymore and it’s exhausting. I’m so tired. I hate them - I hate everyone except for my dad, sister and dog. I’m not active on my su1c1d4L thoughts anymore but I sure as fuck don’t want to be here

#into the void #fuck #do not interact with me

Living with an abuser is the worst thing. It’s been years since I’ve updated this stupid fucking blog and it’s still going. I hate her. I want to scare her. I know I’m stronger than her but I can’t because the kid is present. I hate being here. I really feel like the only thing that’ll change her is so see me swinging from the backyard.

#into the void #fuck #dni