It was funny how relaxed Bianca was able to feel in a room that wasn’t hers. The concept was far from foreign to her. Even at a very early age Bianca would always feel more comfortable at places that weren’t hers. Whether it was a friends bedroom, the ravine, or some random guys apartment; It felt more comfortable than somewhere that was meant for her. The distance she occasionally put between herself and her reality is what made her feel the most safe. The way Bianca rummaged through Eli’s room, to anyone else, would seem domestic, and it was - in the most innocent sense of the word. She took the common phrase make yourself at home very literal. A small smile appeared on her face as she looked down at the Dead Hand shirt she absentmindedly threw on. “It’s the boobs.” she assured. The shirt itself held a lot of significance for Bianca. It was a shirt that sparked the only friendship that mattered to her. Although they were already acquainted they didn’t begin to bond over common interests until he came into school one day wearing the band tee. The article of clothing meant a lot more to her than Eli knew.
Bianca was eager to see Eli’s reaction to the question she posed. Although earlier she mentioned how one of the things that made her pursue a friendship with him was the fact that he didn’t try anything with her, Bianca couldn’t help but let her mind wander into that ‘what if’ territory. His question was honest and exactly what she expected it to be, but there was one thing he said that bothered her. “How do you know I wouldn’t want to? Its not like you ever asked.” She was unsure as to why she was so offended by his assumption. Its wasn’t as if she had shown any interest in him over the years. Truth is, even though she wondered several times why the two have never hooked up she never once took a second to think of Eli in any way other than a friend. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to think of him in any way other than that. Laughing in response to his playful quip, she kept the banter going. “I don’t know, Goldsworthy. You sure the heterosexuals of the world aren’t gonna shun you after they find out you have a girl in your room almost every night who changes in front of you, and sleeps in your bed while you just sit there and do nothing about it? I’d be careful. They might take your membership away.” Bianca thought about her next response carefully, unsure of how to answer at first. Her an Eli were close like siblings, but she found it a tad creepy to think of him as a brother; Especially while exploring the current topic she laid out. “I don’t know. I wouldn’t exactly use the word brother, especially since I just got half naked and crawled into bed with you. If our lives were some cheesy 80s movie you’d be the cute, dorky best friend with a heart of gold.” she corrected with a quiet laugh.
The next sentence that left his lips caught Bianca off guard. The last thing she was expecting was for him to propose an experiment. Whether it was meant as a joke or not didn’t matter to the curious girl. She was willing to give it a shot and see what would come of her bold move. “Okay.” She said with a simple shrug. Without stopping to think she sat up and tucked a few curls behind her ear. Within the same second she had scooted herself closer to the boy propped up next to her, now only an inch or two away from his face. It wasn’t until her eyes met his that she stopped to take a second to realize what she was about to do. Her face lingered close to his momentarily as she felt her heart drop into her stomach. It was as if she was seeing Eli for the first time. Really seeing him. Never would she have imagined herself looking at him in the way she was now. It was all too confusing for her brain to process. “And I immediately regret this.” she admitted in a soft whisper. Moving back to her side of the bed, even further from him than she was before, Bianca kept her composure brushing off the situation as if it was nothing. “I guess that answers that question. We’re clearly destined to be platonic.”
This topic felt so precarious, and Eli didn’t trust himself to handle it correctly. His emotions for Bianca were simply too strong to be masked in this situation where they were practically being called into question. She’d always been so oblivious even when he hinted at things. It seemed that if he didn’t make an explicitly sexual move on her--which he never would--then she wasn’t going to grasp his underlying feelings. It just wasn’t like Eli to try and make a move on a girl. Even if he knew whatever girl he was interested also held mutual affections, he’d be careful in approaching some kind of contact. Bianca might have welcomed intimacy with other guys, but between the two of them, it felt extremely off limits. Her bringing it up gave him hope. And hope was perhaps the cruelest thing to offer a person if there was none to be found. Eli wasn’t at all sure where this was headed. He had to wonder if Bianca herself knew, since she was the person who brought up the topic. “And it’s not like you ever offered.” he rebutted, smiling softly at her. He wasn’t offended that she hadn’t, but couldn’t have had any idea that she’d be interested without her saying so. Even now, he was skeptical.
Bianca disagreeing with him being seen as a brother by her would have been a relief, had it not been followed up with an equally disappointing comparison. He didn’t want to be the dorky best friend with a heart of gold. The latter part, he could be flattered by, but the dorky comment was gnawing at him. Dorky was not Bianca’s type, not by any stretch of the imagination. Her using that phrasing only solidified his impression that she wasn’t the least bit attractive to her. All the times he’d tried to dress up for her, even subtly, now felt stupid. Bianca could walk into a room wearing a paper bag and Eli would find her infinitely more attractive than another girl wearing a bikini. It was just the way he was wired, holding Bianca in higher regard than virtually anyone. Eli had been told by other girls he’d been involved with that they found him appealing. While that was flattering, it would have been more so had Bianca said it. He was realizing more and more just how pitiful his attraction to the girl really was.
When Bianca said okay, Eli was sure he’d heard her wrong. He hadn’t been joking about his offer, only playing it off as if it was said purely in jest. If she was willing, so was her. But he’d never guess that it was something she’d try out. For all the times he’d imagined them sharing a kiss, a scenario like this one hadn’t crossed his mind. His heart was thudding so violently in his chest that he was worried Bianca would be able to hear it, and then realize just how much this meant to him. With mere inches between them, Eli leaned in slowly, ready to press his lips to hers. Right before he could, Bianca was pulling back, and his heart was dropping straight into his stomach. It’d been too good to be true; he should have known it from the start. With the space she’d created between them, a thousand words Eli could have said occupied the distance, but he didn’t dare say any of them. It would only make this complicated situation that much more unbearable. “Am I really that revolting?” he asked, forcing himself to laugh. It wasn’t a joke, none of this was a joke to him. Pretending that it was made Eli sick to his stomach.