detransition, baby - reflections chapter 1
ok so hi, long time no see, apparently i am trans and back on tumblr. The girl I am seeing gave me the book "Detransition, Baby" by Torrey Peters and hell, this book is intense and really stirs all my feelings. Idk, I thought writing them out would help me and what better way then to do it on tumblr.
Ch. 1: Detransitioners.
For ages there is this yt video popping up again and again in my recommendations (what they dont tell you about detransitioners bla) and I've been meaning to watch it yet I did not, like described in the book. Oh, yeah I finished the first chapter so here are some thoughts.
One thought I was having or am having is, that as a nonbinary trans whatever blob I am free and fluid to do whatever I want. Want to detransition? Ok ezpz its just my gender presentation even as a masc coded non binary person I'd still be fucking valid and accepted and part of the queers. At least to the same amount i would have been before as an amab trans/nb person. Which definitely is different and also less. Like as a gay man (even tho i am not gay (in a cis straight men gay sense) but whatevs) - acceptance, as a nb genderqueer whatevs - acceptance, but ofcourse the afab nb/trans queers seem to be accepted differently (also as described in the book but also from my personal experience). So tl;dr : as a genderfluid nb, detransitioning does not exist, because it does not make sense. Which is amazing.
But am I really genderfluid nonbinary? Or am I transfem? Ugh just trying to find a fitting category between fem, girl, women is overwhelming and exhaust. And yes I just took a 10minute break from this post and mindlessly scrolled through my blog. Ok. I like being a girl, instead of "just" a nonbinary genderfluid person. But I also feel that "the" girls are really mean and serious and though on each other. Like I am missing the lightheartedness of trying out gender, instead I am focussing on wether or not I'll ever be cis enough. Like wtf. I also guess it is a safety thing, maybe it is just "girlcode" aka cis womens way of acting and behaving to each other just with the added weight of being trans? idk, what if i am not ready for that commitment? what if i want to continue hormones but live a stealth detransitioned cis guy life?
The chapter named "it" (the transition) being too hard, too difficult, too dangerous, shortly too much for reasons why both the protagonist and a side character on which the book illustrated how the relationship towards detransitioned trans women works for trans women. And I also see that this is super justified and hard, and the bottomless pit of horror that is described in the book is definitely also present in me. Which is why I want to adress it, which is why we are here now.
So basically I for myself want this "feminist", nonbinary genderqueer ideas that I had on transitions (and therefore detransitions) also applied when it comes to binary trans women. Because prioritizing (physical) safety over gender expression is super valid and also really important, mature and aspirational. I wished I would be able to always prioritize my safety. Because as a women & as a nonbinary I am a feminist, and therefore I need to unpack the uncanny fear of detransitioning, for myself and for other trans girls.
One layer that definitely comes to my mind quickly when it comes to detransitioning is the fear of not being valid, of not being trans "enough". And how can I, just a few months into hormones and what, 1-2 years into transition, be valid & trans enough when people who transitioned way longer decide to detransition? Hormones definitely helped me with my dysphoria, now I start to realize that one thing they alleviated was that kind of insecurity and intrusiveness of validity. And while they definitely help with my dysphoria (amongst other things hihi), this certainty I had because "now that I took hormones I MUST be valid" is gone or at least got a good shake. I also think that this is a transmedicalist view and should be condemned and I also think I sound like the most baby trans ever.
Idk, I am still valid when I scrolled through my blog in an escapist moment while writing this thing I retrospectively found all the trans signs. So yeah still not the best thing to draw validity from, but I guess its better (at least for now) than being all shaken up, caught up in transmedicalist beliefs about the safety of hormones.
Ok I think I wrote down everything I had to say, made my little puns and feel different now? look at that growth, girl!
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