dark but full of diamonds

Eileen Ciara Dwyer catch me on the big screen

[eileendwyer]

He couldn’t help but laugh, which then ended up hurting his ribs a little bit. Fuck. Eileen was right: he’d been a dumb fuck since the day they met, and he’d been a dumb fuck even before he’d met her. Max was kind of avoiding saying what Eileen was obviously looking for, but he just took a moment to appreciate being taken care of as she handed him a beer, brushed his hair to the side with gentle fingers, and placed the ice on his face. With all his “friends” and his poor excuse for a “family,” she was the only person he could trust would actually take care of him.

With no conditions, either. She even said as much, saying he didn’t have to tell her what happened if he didn’t want to. But this was Eileen. Even if she was pissed off at him for confronting Aaron, she wouldn’t be mad at him forever. “I know,” Max told her. “I’m gonna tell you but… don’t be mad.” Had ever asking anyone not to be mad ever make them not be mad?

“Max, you’re starting to scare me,” Eileen said in earnest. “Of course I’m not going to be mad.” She took a swig from her own beer as she continued to ice his bruises. The suspense of not knowing what happened to her friend was unnerving. Eileen couldn’t handle it. She needed to know so she could fix it. She wanted to make it all better. “C’mon the anticipation is killing me.”

[eileendwyer]

They made it out to the street, and Eileen was practically stumbling all over the place. Max wasn’t exactly sober at the moment, but lucky for the both of them, Max could at least walk in a straight line because he was wearing normal human shoes and not the death traps some women wore to make themselves a little taller. He nearly groaned when he realized that Trish and Stacey were probably heading toward In-N-Out, which was fine, it was just they always wanted In-N-Out.

So when Eileen said they could just go back to her place and order in, he was definitely going to jump on that. “Let’s ditch them and order burritos,” he suggested whispering loudly even though Trish and Stacy were way ahead of him. He kind of felt like this sounded like the best idea he’d ever had in his life. “I don’t even fucking like Stacey. (He was pretty sure Eileen didn’t either.)

Eileen burst out laughing at Max’s remark about Stacey. The woman was vapid, vain, selfish and shallow, always looking out for herself without much regard for others. She was fun at parties and her mother was a colleague of her father; it was a relationship of convenience more than anything else. “God, she’s such a bitch,” she said, smile on her face as she ordered an Uber on her phone. “I can only handle her in small doses.”

The Uber came quickly and soon enough the two were back at Eileen’s apartment, sitting on the couch scrolling through menus online. Eileen tossed her phone Max’s way as she sunk into her cushions, cuddling a blanket as the alcohol in her system tuckered her out. “Surprise me,” she said, in regards to her burrito order. “Put it on my card.”

[eileendwyer]

She hummed a slow confirmation, flicking the embers off her cigarette. Talking about Adrian didn’t bother her, the mistress’s title like a badge of honor, rather than a scarlet letter. It was a stepping stone, and Elsie would rather be someone than nobody, no matter how many dirty looks it got her. After all, the only thing worse than being talked about, was not being talked about. 

“He’s not much of a dancer right now,” she replied, throwing Eileen a knowing look. All they’d been doing was drinking and fucking, which, while fun, wasn’t exactly what she’d call a progress. But having played this game for as long as she had, Elsie wasn’t about to get impatient now. And neither was she gonna turn down a good ranting opportunity if one presented itself like that. From one Solano girl to another. “Have you ever tried fucking the sad out of a man?” She asked, looking at the other. “Or did you break up before his old man got locked up?” 

“Have you ever tried fucking the sad out of a man?”

When Aaron’s uncle passed, Eileen could see the cracks in the family grow. His father’s arrest just pushed him over the edge. She tried to comfort him, give him what he needed, but what he needed was his father back and that was something Eileen couldn’t provide. No amount of sex would change that. “Sex is great but it can’t mend a broken heart,” she said. “No matter how good it might be.”

[eileendwyer]

Lila found alcohol worked best in tricky situations like this. Her slender fingers found a crystal shot glass and handed it over. “Don’t know whose brilliant idea it was to get tequila without lime or salt, barbaric.” It must’ve been left in her limo at some point during one of those blurry nights Lila adored because they robbed her mind of all worries, if only for a night. However, she had a feeling the younger woman didn’t care much for finesse at the moment. “How long exactly? No one’s bothered you?” With a raised brow, Lila inquired once more, for a good measure. Something a certain member of her extended family would appreciate. Per aspera ad astra, the famous Latin saying applied to young people building a career in LA. The Solano had witnessed some of her closest friends tripping and falling on their road to fame, and some never got up again. “Honestly? Been thinking about skipping town, go to Aspen. Or Norway. I miss snow.” Lila admitted, putting on a charming smile before looking over at Eileen with a more sober expression. “Is any of us okay?” If it were so– if Aaron were okay, he wouldn’t have left you. However, this time Lila refrained from mentioning her cousin, pressing a pause on the topic until they were in the safety of her penthouse. Something about being so high above the ground and having with a magnificent view soothed Lillian. “We’re here.”

The ride to Lillian’s was filled with chit-chat and drinks, allowing Eileen to loosen up a bit before they arrived. Her building was beautiful, not that Eileen was surprised. Lillian had taste and the money necessary for such accommodations. Her penthouse apartment was decorated exceptionally well, but it was the view of the city-skyline and ocean that really set the place apart. Compared to her place, it was a dream come true. Eileen rented a decent apartment downtown that used to have a pretty view; however, recent construction totally ruined any sort of vista she had. Eileen definitely needed to move. 

“Your place is stunning,” Eileen said, walking through the threshold. She approached one of the large glass windows and looked at the city streets below. Eileen loved Los Angeles, especially at a distance. All the corruption was buried under the glitz, glamour and architecture. “Did you decorate yourself?”

[jonathan-quinn-deactivated20210]

Location: Cafe Hollywood

Jonathan hated huge crowds. They were unreliable and unruly and the odds of something going wrong always seemed higher when there were more variables. It was how people slipped through the cracks and the killer for hire loved to slip through the cracks himself, but with everything else it was a nightmare. He hated not being able to control a situation even in a casual setting he was currently in, but it was just part of living in LA now and something he still was dealing with even after being in the city after calling it home. He had placed his order but it was a mess in the area he was inhabiting and it was showing on the former soldiers face. “ All this for a cup of coffee” He replied with a half smile on his face. He knew full well he was part of the issue by being part of it, but it was still odd. “ It’s damn good coffee though” 

[eileendwyer]

Eileen just wanted a cup of coffee; Cafe Hollywood was down the street from her apartment and had the best coffee within a ten mile radius. The problem? The crowds. Unless one arrived before the sun rose, one would be met with swarms of people, all wanting the same morning pick-me-up. Eileen wore the hood on her sweatshirt and sunglasses to keep from being recognized. Once she made it to the front and placed her order, she joined the thralls of people impatiently waiting for their beverages. It was like a zoo. 

She chuckled at the stranger’s remark. “Best in the city,” Eileen replied. “Though, I don’t know if it’d be worth all of this if it wasn’t so close to home.”

[eileendwyer]

He bit back a groan, not wanting to make things any worse. Based on how concerned both the Lyft driver and the doorman had been, he knew Eileen was going to be ten times worse. But then, he’d come here for her attention, come here to have someone tell him things would be okay. A doctor wouldn’t do that, his damn mother wouldn’t do that. Eileen was the only person he’d want to see, and as he expected, she slowly started to lower his arm, and he knew his face must look even worse than he thought based on her reaction. 

She pulled him inside, and he winced at the sharp movement, hoping she didn’t notice. She instructed him to sit, and Max didn’t need to be told twice, collapsing on his back onto the couch. “I’m a dumb fuck, that’s what happened,” he groaned, adjusting his position on the couch, eyeing the beer she was grabbing. Yeah, he wanted that. 

He had no plans whatsoever to defend Aaron; the guy was a piece of shit for breaking up with Eileen in the first place. Yeah, maybe Max had been a complete dick to him, but the ass beating had been a little much. So, no, he wouldn’t lie to Eileen and say he was mugged or something. She’d know exactly who’d done this, but Max would also take responsibility for his own part in it. He wanted Eileen to be happy, didn’t want to make this thing with Aaron worse. But she deserved the truth, didn’t she? 

“I’ve known you were a dumb fuck since the day we met,” Eileen joked, smiling softly as she knelt down next to the couch. “That doesn’t answer my question.” She gave him the beer as she started to gently place the ice on the bruising on his face. Her fingers pushed his hair to the side, so she could get a good look at the damage. It made her stomach turn. Max wasn’t the fighting type, not really, so seeing him so beat up was shocking to her system. All she wanted was to make him feel better, for him to know that everything would be okay. 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Eileen ultimately decided. If Max preferred keeping the details to himself, for whatever reason, Eileen wouldn’t press him. Just support him. “I’ll take care of you no matter what. You know that, right?”

[eileendwyer]

Eileen was pissed. Unbelievably so. All she saw was red. When Aaron broke up with her, she was confused and sad more than anything. Frustrated without any answers, sure, but it was nothing compared to the rage she felt now. Eileen didn’t care what the fuck her ex was going through, he crossed a line with Max and she wasn’t going to just let it slide. Once her friend was off her couch and on his way home, Eileen took off, as well.

Aaron’s doorman looked at her with confusion, considering she hadn’t been around in months. “Is he up there?” Eileen asked the man, her voice shaking with anger. He just nodded and before he could say anything else, Eileen was on the elevator.

Reaching his apartment, she pounded her fist on the door and shouted, “open the fucking door, Aaron!”

@aaronsolano​

[eileendwyer]

Elsie had the decency — or maybe she just didn’t care enough — not to make a face as Eileen’s lungs forced up the smoke she’d inhaled, the girl’s coughing disappearing into the heavy bass coming from the club’s open windows and doors. “That’s the attitude, men ain’t shit,” she commended, even as she could feel the itch of a snort in the back of her throat. Whatever had happened between the two, Eileen had lost a Solano, and a big screen darling or not, no amount of fanmail and social media followers compared to the power of belonging to one of the ruling families of upper and underground LA. So no, it wasn’t his loss. 

“Same,” she replied, following the girl’s gaze to the club behind them. “The cuties, not the friends bit. I prefer to come to these things alone. I’m here to let loose, not to keep anyone from making stupid decisions, you know?” With a shrug, she brought the cigarette to her lips again, convinced it was a sign of independence not.. well, a lack of decent friend group, for one. “Besides, I never leave alone. Not unless I want to.” Though lately, with her keeping her bed empty for Adrian Solano, leaving alone was becoming a rule rather than an exception. 

Elsie’s confidence radiated off of her; she exuded power and independence, clearly sure of herself and how to achieve her goals. It was a quality Eileen envied. While she hid her insecurities well, Eileen knows how desperate she was on the inside. Elsie, on the other hand, just seemed solid, through and through. 

“Don’t you have Adrian Solano on speed dial?” Eileen asked, the affair not exactly a well kept secret, considering she read about it online. “Seems like he’d be better company than someone you find at a club. Not that I’m judging. I just couldn’t put in the extra effort.” 

[eileendwyer]

He was a fucking idiot. What exactly had he been hoping to accomplish in going to see Aaron? What did he think was going to happen? He’d thought maybe he’d get some answers, something that would help Eileen. Instead, he got the shit beat out of him.

Luckily for him, he’d at least gotten in one good hit. Maybe two. He didn’t feel too bad for himself, considering Aaron was a boxer. It would have been really embarrassing for Aaron if Max had put up a decent fight. Aaron would likely need to consider a new career.

Max hadn’t gotten a great look at himself, just the selfie camera on his phone. One of his eyes was definitely about to be swollen shut, and the other didn’t look much better. He had a few cuts on his face, and he was sure his abdomen would have some bruises also. He also felt like he’d had the wind knocked out of him, which he basically had.

The concerned Lyft driver had wanted to take him to the hospital. Max had very nicely said he was fine, even though he thought he might puke, and fortunately, the guy didn’t ask him any more questions. He just brought him to Eileen’s place like Max was fucking paying him to. When he got there, it was the doorman’s turn to ask if he should be going to a doctor, and Max just wanted everyone to leave him the fuck alone because he wanted to lie down. A little ice and he’d be fine. Since the doorman knew him well, knew he was Eileen’s friend, he didn’t say much more and let him right up.

When Max got to the door, he leaned on the doorframe, finding it hard to stand with all the effort it had taken him to get here in the first place. Good thing this wasn’t New York and her building had an elevator. He leaned his forehead against his arm, his face hidden from view when Eileen opened the door. “I did something stupid,” he whined, his voice muffled.

Eileen spent the day writing. The wounds Aaron’s words left still stung raw. She wanted to do something productive with the pain and heartache. She sat starring at her screenplay for hours, constantly referencing back to the original play and the research she’s done. Though, not matter how hard she tweaked her words, nothing seemed to feel real enough. Genuine.

Her agent’s phone call interrupted Eileen before she could pull her hair out in frustration. He had good news, new auditions, call backs and scripts on the way from producers. More busy work until she got another job. If Eileen didn’t get paid, her agent wasn’t getting paid. He wanted her to sign a contract, fast. 

She put her agent on speaker as he droned on about a potential brand deal and opened up her fridge to grab a beer. Eileen hopped up on her counter, took a hit off her vape. She listened to the offer, not really interested, but said she’d read over the contract to appease him. During that time, she got a message from her doorman, letting her know Max was on his way up.

She wasn’t expecting him, but it wasn’t strange that he was stopping by unannounced. As far as Eileen was concerned, her place was his place. Max could come over anytime. She opened the door, confused at the sight before her.

Max covered his face with his arm and his voice was strained as he spoke. Eileen looked at him with concern and gently lowered his arm. “Oh, my god...” His face was a mess, like something out of a Picasso sketchbook. “What the fuck happened, Max?” she asked as she pulled him inside. Though, Eileen had her theories and none of them were good.

Eileen shut the door and immediately went to the kitchen. “Sit down,” she instructed, grabbing ice and another beer before she made her way back to her wounded friend.

[demoncity]

Madelyn Cline (2020)

Photographed by Jesse Volk

[eileendwyer]

All the king's horses, all the king's men Couldn't put me together again 'Cause all of my enemies started out friends Help me hold onto you

Taylor Swift, The Archer

[eileendwyer]

Max flashed her his brightest smile, hoping the dancing and distraction was helping her feel at least a little bit better. He was clearly distracted as hell himself because he didn’t see their other friends until Eileen pointed them out. His eyes followed Eileen’s line of sight to see Trish and Stacey; apparently they were going to get a late night snack. “Yeah, you know I’m always starved when I have vodka,” Max laughed, starting to lead the way off the dance floor. Plus, this night was supposed to be all about making Eileen feel better. So if she was ready to go and wanted to get something to eat, Max would oblige.

“Let’s go then,” Eileen said, a smile on her face as she linked her arm with Max’s as they walked off the dancefloor. The streets of LA were filled with various late night food options, from greasy burgers and pizza, to tacos from food trucks and even vegan poutine to fill whatever craving one might have. Trish and Stacey didn’t bother waiting for the other two before speeding down the block to the local In-N-Out. Not in any rush, Eileen didn’t follow after them in a hurry, rather enjoyed the night air as she deliberated her options. She was drunk by this point, hardly walking straight in her heels. If she didn’t have Max to hold on to, she’d probably end up falling over at some point.

“Craving anything in particular?” she asked, looking at her best friend. “I’m up for anything, really. Could even just go back to my place and order in, if ya want?”

[eileendwyer]

* * *

He couldn’t relate with the girl. Roman tried to spend as little time as possible around people who were committed to having bad moods and not seeking improvement. It was toxic. He didn’t answer her for a long moment before he finally did speak, the pep in his voice replaced with a bland sense of boredom. “And if the world wanted another girl with a blessed life who was parading around like it was anything less, then I suppose you wouldn’t be so lonely. I suspect your father was the type of man to lecture you - expecting more from you because he thought you had greatness under your ribs and maybe a lioness’s heart. I would guess it broke him when he realized that instead of a lioness he raised…” Roman gestured to her. “This. He had no one to blame but himself, though. Just as you have no one to blame but yourself for your situation. It’s fine if you wish to wallow, but do not be surprised when the rest of world moves on.”

Eileen barely listened to the words the stranger spoke. She stood and rolled her eyes. This man knew nothing about her, her father or her situation. He had no right to pretend he was somehow holier-than-thou. “Dude, you need to take a hint,” she said, picking up her shoes, buried in the sand. “That or learn what fucking boundaries are.” Eileen didn’t take criticism well; even on set if a director had words, it was hard for her not to take it personally. In those cases, she had to take it, but when a stranger was judging her on the beach, she had the power to just up and leave. “Have a nice fucking night,” she said sourly, crossing her arms over her chest. She started walking back to the club, needing more liquor after that brief encounter.

[eileendwyer]

‘I deserve better.’

Aaron’s mind couldn’t register anything else that she’d said. That statement was painfully true, and it hurt, putting Aaron in the defensive. 

“Yeah, well it wasn’t so easy for me, either,” Aaron snapped, flicking his cigarette onto the ground, crushing it with the heel of his shoe. “You were a fucking headache half the time. So fuckin’ self obsessed and no better than the friends you hang around with.”

Aaron couldn’t stop himself now. He was hurt, so he had to hurt Eileen in return. She’d never be able to understand the storm of emotions inside of him, so why bother even letting her in? She lived in a different reality than he did. 

“You coulda walked away any fucking time, babe, but you stayed. No one fucking made you. Grow the fuck up, Eileen.”

Eileen wasn’t stupid. She knew Aaron was going through a hard time and had been for a while. First he lost his uncle and then his dad went to prison. He lost so much in such a short amount of time. At the time, all Eileen wanted to do was be there for him. She loved him. Would’ve done anything for him. His words now negated all of that. Spite and anger coated each syllable. Aaron wanted to push her away and it was working.

She didn’t want to cry, but that didn’t stop the tears threating her eyes. Eileen shook her head. “I'm not going to listen to this,” she said. She also wasn’t about to walk in that bar. Fuck her friends. This was a bad idea from the start. 

Eileen started walking, shoulder shoving Aaron’s as she passed. She stopped, needing to get one last thing clear. “I just wanted you to let me in. Guess it was too much to ask.” After that, she kept going. She needed to get as far away from Aaron as possible and there was only one place she wanted to be. 

Eileen pulled out her phone and called the one person who never let her down. Max.

“Hey,” she said, when he picked up the phone. “Can I come over?”

[eileendwyer]

Lila briefly averted her somewhat concerned gaze from the younger woman to look over her shoulder and instruct the security to bring the car around. Her hand stroking comforting circles on Eileen’s back all the while. It’d become evident she was having a tough time and most likely because her split with Aaron had been brought up. Lila couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. “Nonsense Eileen, if I didn’t want you there, I wouldn’t have invited you.” The blonde hoped her decisive tone would prevent all possible future unnecessary apologies. “Us girls have to stick together, alright? We’ll get some food– and I’m pretty sure I have a limited edition Xmas Cookie Dough Ben and Jerry’s too. We can talk… Scream from the rooftop if necessary.” Lila was full of ideas– her mind worked in overdrive whenever someone she cared about– or one of her own cared about– was in question. The shiny black car appeared next to them, ready to take them to Lila’s place. “Would you like something to drink? Water?” Once they were seated inside, her gaze swept over the mini bar where a few bottles of gin and tequila + fine champagne + bottled water stood.

Eileen climbed into the car, quite used to being chauffeured around in the back of a fancy vehicle stocked up with the best booze money could buy. “I’d love something to drink,” she replied to Lillian’s offer, but she’d need something stronger than water if she were going to be spending the evening with a Solano. Tequila was her typical drink of choice and would certainly loosen her up. Eileen didn’t intend on getting absolutely shitfaced, but a little liquid courage would go a long way. “Tequila?” she asked. “It has been a long day,” she added with a laugh. “How’ve you been lately?” Eileen continued, not wanting their entire conversation to focus on herself. Besides, Lila had a lot on her plate, Eileen was sure, considering everything going on with the family.  

[eileendwyer]

They made it out to the dance floor, dancing close in the packed crowd, their bodies sweating. He was definitely feeling the tequila shots, and though he wouldn’t say he was wasted, he was definitely tipsy if he wasn’t drunk. She leaned in to kiss his cheek, and Max brushed back some of her hair as she spoke to him. They were close because she’d had to lean close to his ear in order to be heard over the loud music. “Probably die of depression and boredom,” he said through a laugh. He always tried to keep things interesting. “But you don’t have to worry about that.” He’d had some complicated feelings for Eileen over the years, but one thing was certain: he’d always be there for her, no matter what. He owed her that much.

“You’re probably right,” Eileen laughed, Max’s comment truer than he probably realized. Since they were kids, she leaned on Max for support. Especially since Aaron left that hole in her heart, Max’s care kept her alive. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted their other friends trying to get their attention with hand signals. They mimed eating and motioned to the door, probably on their way to get drunk food to wrap up the evening. “What do ya say?” she asked Max. “Down for a late night snack? Trish and Stacey look like they’re about ready to go.”

[eileendwyer]

Eileen’s friends had always been shallow. There was not much beyond the surface, and while Eileen spent majority of her time surrounded by those types of people, she’d been different. At least, for Aaron. They went beyond the superficial. And now, it was all gone – Aaron could only remember how it felt to be with Eileen. 

“Maybe they should focus on fixing their own shit before they try getting involved in yours,” he suggested. It wasn’t very likely. He knew how her friends could be, and it amazed Aaron how she could tolerate them so easily. For a moment, Aaron was quiet. Truthfully, he didn’t have much to say to Eileen. It was better that way – to keep things short. The more that he spoke to her, the more likely it became that he’d admit something that he couldn’t even admit to himself.

He missed her. And he missed his dad, and he was all torn up about it. But those emotions didn’t translate well for someone like Aaron Solano; they emerged as anger instead. Bloody knuckles and drunken blackouts – that’s how Aaron lived nowadays.

And even in that moment, thinking about everything, being near Eileen – Aaron couldn’t help himself. He had to shut things down – ruin the peace somehow.

“Some of your shit’s still at my place… and I need the space.” Obviously a lie, and a pretty shitty thing to say, considering she’d only left a few articles of clothing, and maybe a bottle of perfume that Aaron liked. “I can have Clara send it over. Or you can pick it up.”

“Maybe they should focus on fixing their own shit before they try getting involved in yours.”

Aaron was probably right about the sentiment but he was being an ass on purpose. He kept pushing her away, leaving her with nothing. It was like he got a kick out of watching her squirm. Eileen couldn’t even get a word in before Aaron spoke up again. Talking about her things taking up space at his apartment. 

She looked at him then, daggers in her eyes. He pushed the right button with that one. A nail in the coffin of their relationship, still without giving her a reason. “Fucking burn it for all I care,” Eileen said, flicking the cigarette to the ground and snuffing it out with the sole of her shoe. “And go fuck yourself while you’re at it.”

Eileen should’ve left, turned around, gone inside the bar to her friends and get roaring drunk but her feet were firmly planted like her body wanted to fight. “I deserve better than what you put me through,” she said, her mouth moving without her brain’s permission. Her heart was in control now.