The Personal

My name is E.J. and this blog was started while I was emotionally (over-) attached to events, people, sensations and memories that I have experienced over ten years ago in a place across the continent. That experience shaped me and my life. Following the abrupt ending of that period, I have suffered PTSD and depression for over a decade. As of recently, I consider myself cured - and I have slowly started re-associating my life with the Present, grow a small business and find new joys and leases on life. Even though the void of having that part of my life from long ago taken away, has never been filled, I am working on living in the current times.Putting words to my feelings helped immensely to fight the destructive power of PTSD or Emotional Dependencies. This blog is about the cause, the memories, the resolutions, the hopes, the reality and the every-day of overcoming...

[ej-thepersonal]

To purge – or not to purge? Post No. 93.

These absences have become frequent – which I tend to see as a good thing. Sometimes is am very busy, for the wrong reasons though, and, starting this fall, that will have to change. Heck, starting now things will have to change, as it is now time to get my motivation together for my business and a new chapter in our lives.

 This week we will find out if we finally have a house… Yes (insert a sigh of relief here). Although, not as deep in the wilderness as we had hoped; not as rural as I dreamed; and not overhanging the great waters… After just about two years in the making of a dream, we decided to pick something else – something close to the dream, something… good-for-now. Since, what we wanted the most, this year, simply hasn’t become available.

 In this thin market we have, sometimes it is best to take chances and move on. The home has its let-downs and work to get things done to take it over, is paramount, but one hopes it will all be worth it in the end.  So, by the end of this week, we will know whether it is back to the drawing board, or we are moving!

 Anyways, to keep with the spirit, I will start pairing down and purging – things, supplies, belongings…

 The mind wonders towards people, too. My frenemy being out of the picture, things have been much more rewarding. But, as life progresses and things change, I started to see another friendship of mine, kind of sour… (Is it me?). My “buddy”, my afternoons-out side-kick, fellow wine-lover and a mostly fun woman, had turned again. Having just taken a short look back at my earlier postings I realized I had been here before – we had our conflicts, on and off throughout the past year, things culminating at her last year’s birthday party. It could be the time of the year, around her special day that she feels down-trodden, or anxious, or dissatisfied with life; and is out for blood, to take her anger out on those in her social circle. She especially gets maligned around our other common friend, whom I got closer to over the years. Ironically, this friend was introduced to me by my old frenemy, and then I did the smart thing by introducing her to my “buddy”…

 We had a few strange interactions with my “buddy”, filled with odd bickering, and it seemed to me that she was trying to pick a fight. She tried quite hard to be inadvertently malicious during a picnic for the common friend’s birthday. Talked down to us, interrupted us, and tried to incite that I was avoiding to invite her… She went after me the next week, as well…

 I think, some friendships may be deemed to be left where they are… this time, this place. My buddy does not know (yet) that we got a housed in our sights, but I can’t see her able to be happy for me at this time; or her being in anyway useful, such as helpful with packing. I also can’t see her visiting me at my new home and staying with us, as her innate malice will be too punishing. She does not get along with my partner, at all either.

 Of course, there will be times when I will be wishing I had someone to pop over for wine at a neighbourhood joint with me, on a rainy Wednesday afternoon… And I will be thinking of her. Or, every time I see a one-day sale special at thrift store, I will be thinking of her. Or, when there is a cool art-show in the city I will soon have left behind, and I will  be needing some extra motivation to go, I will be missing her. But, our inevitable geographic distance will do the job of establishing a separation between us, and eventually the good memories will trump the bad ones… And, maybe, we will even be able to just cherish the time we have together, in a different city, if she visits me for the day… But, for now I just can’t see myself letting her into my space, to bring the negativity she is so compelled to demonstrate, over and over.

 However, the good side of it all is, that unlike my frenemy, this woman does have a heart—and both of her ears—it is just that she fails to reign in a nasty child inside her, that tantrums wen she does not get what – or whom—she wants… This friendship is not done—I will just have to change it. Starting now.

[ej-thepersonal]

With Hope. Post 92.

This is the longest time I’ve been away. Which is both, for the good, and the bad reasons. I have been tremendously busy in the past few months, with the business, and other things – I have become a bit of an activist, to my causes and issues that have been plaguing my current city (the same one which I am trying to get out of so hard).

 My partner and I are poised to find a house this month – or soon, and not wait for things to suddenly wake-up in our area of choice. We just need to move and end this transition period, which had taken place for way too long.

 My emotional state had been great, with appropriate ups and downs, in correspondence to actual, current events and passions. I’ve been celebrating, and disappointed, and feeling acute sensations, rather than floating in a foggy dyke of the past. So, after nearly three years of, what I call, recovery from PTSD followed by depression; it is probably safe to say, that I am out of the woods – or the dyke, or, perhaps, even, the void…

 I still get the all-too-common chest pains and shortness of breath when I get stressed-out, but I take it, that’s just my body conditioned to exhibit those symptoms from its past snap-reactions. I am OK.

 My frenemy left; my other friendships have improved. And my partner is jumping on-board and willing to be traveling with friends, and that’s what we’re doing this weekend. I am hoping for a change of government this week, here in our little neck of the woods. And the strangest thing – while surrogating on behalf of my causes, fighting the good fights, and speaking to people to find common voices, I think, I slowly, but surely, kind of, on my own level, let this place to finally enter my heart. Just a bit.

For the first time ever, probably, I, kind of like it here. Rain, cold summers and all…

 (Not too sure how I’ll be feeing tomorrow, in case the old-and-oh-so-tired government returns to power and continues to get in the way of younger generation succeeding here)

 Now, we just need to move.

[ej-thepersonal]

Ups and Downs. Post 91.

Where one month is a breeze, another is a challenge – why is that? As perfect as my birthday month was, the following one barged in with a foray of bad news. And, strange events as well. But, perhaps it is a start of overall better things, from here on?

My frenemy left – and I’ve been great at keeping our communications to the minimum. It turns out I made a great decision to try to avoid her in her last days here, as she was just terrible to another common friend we had. She’ll never change and I was thrilled to finally accept that. So, that’s a good thing. But - that’s it.

My trade-show season was disappointing, and the one event I have been working to make it into, was no exception. I am facing serious questions to myself and a bit of an identity refurb. I can’t help but think, I need to change my business fundamentally, as it has stagnated; or my fulfilment is being lost in the endless song-and-dance of creating “what sells” as opposed to what I want to create. Should I be different? Should I be less? Should I be more of what I want? Should I be anything at all?

Also, many strange events in the world, and an uneasy rise of strange and destructive powers, makes you re-think your past priorities. For the, perhaps, first time ever, I am going to proclaim that I have no willingness to get back to the Void for ever, as I don’t think I’d find it safe there. I also feel this odd anxiety about not having visited my birth country for so long, and my mother getting older. What will become of that?

My partner is experiencing persistent health problems, which are increasing his anxiety.

So, many of us have been somber.

But – slowly, but surely, festive moods creep into my mind. I bought some great art while I was traveling, and many things I wanted for a long time. Mostly, for our future house in the wilderness. 

The main goal for the upcoming year, will be to make that happen.

And, I also foraged gifts for my partner, as he had been wonderful. Did I ever say here, officially, how glad I am to finally not be sick and see this relationship for what it really is? If I didn’t - here it is: It is the best thing I’ve encountered with another person. The true-ness and maturity of it stuns me all the time. I am a better person with him.

If I don’t return before this dramatic and wild year ends, I am wishing you happy and fulfilling Holidays. Look out for yourselves and each other; bring and give kindness and care. �

[ej-thepersonal]

All Good. Post 90.

I had a good time over the past weeks. Who would have known, that when the skies darken and rains start-up, good news will keep coming.

A small victory: my home-gardening tomato harvest is large – but oh, so late. They’re green, premature and countless. We had one more good weather week in the late summer sun, just enough to turn a chunk of them orange and red. The rest I succeeded to pile indoors – for fruiting through the fall. I learned a little bit from this first jolt at gardening – and will be better once we finally move.

A big victory: after a few years of waiting, my business got accepted and placed into a trade-show of my dreams! This had been on the horizon of my goals for three years. And I am thrilled that this year it will become reality. This is a benchmark trade-show, leading to even bigger, better ones; more wholesale accounts as well as direct sales to customers. I hope I do not blow it and can keep this venue as our one-a-year big project after we re-locate. If I manage to make it work, this could be a re-set button for my business, and self.

“Forgive, don’t forget” victory: earlier this week I bid adieus to my frenemy. It was good, rewarding and appropriate. We had met twice in public places, where we strolled, dined or talked about her upcoming move back to the birth country. She was calm and charming, just like during the times our friendship began, long before it got sour and things turned for the intolerable. She was hopeful, and so was I; she did try to talk about the bad stuff between us, but it was brief and light, in part because I no longer see the point to perpetuate this (as she is leaving, or so we think); and part because she... likes to talk her side and not listen to the other. Well, I left it at that. But, to sum it up, the war hatchet is buried, for now. And we are back again, picking up on conversations we left abruptly, a year ago; we are warm and respectful, like it should have always been. We had farewell gifts for each other, and she even invited me to visit her in the Mid-earth soon. After having had a half-glass of sake, I just by a sheer miracle bit my tongue quick enough to halt – on inviting her and her daughter to stay with us in the wilderness, once we move. I didn’t and I am relieved.

For anyone, who didn’t know us and our history together, it would seem like we were those long-haul buddies; always talking and never running out of things to say, do, taste together. But I had to remind myself during both evenings with my frenemy; and especially, afterward, that she IS the person, who had NOT been so nice to me over time, and is probably – or, rather, definitely – able to turn against me again, on some bad day, in a mere blink of an eye. This, my friends, is truly high-pilotage of human relations – I am not used to having a friendship (or whatever this is now) which has such different sides – or faces - to it.

Self victory: I was getting really irritated with the slow progress of our relocation. But having been accepted to the trade show – and having to pay for it upfront -  shone a new light on this. I could not have even considered participating -  at all -  had we moved and would have missed my chance this year. So, I am taking breaths slowly; and working my way forward. I am still itching for the right home to land...

[ej-thepersonal]

What would I advise to my now-divorcing couple of friends? Post 89.

I recently learned of one of my favourite couple of friends splitting up. I am saddened by it, but not surprised either. She is my college friend from my birth country, we go back decades – and he is someone she fell for, after her first not-so-great marriage ended. The two never married, but showed their commitment through a co-owned house and a pair of rings they wore together.

She was always the wide-eyed fire-cracker; exciting, unstable and warm. Sometimes mental health issues would rare their ugly head. He was her rock – decided, trusted, loyal. And when things got in the way, their 8-year-long relationship was called off. At least for now.

I may not be the best person to even give advise – but, having known them both and heard their stories over the years, here is what stuck with me. This is just one particular couple, in their particular situation.

1. For Her: Don’t expect people to read your mind – because you are clearly not reading theirs. Communicate. A lot – and calmly.

For Him: Avoid doing or saying things that you know rub your partner the wrong way. Unless you want conflict.

2. For Her: When you’re feeling bored of normalcy and itching for turmoil, consider adrenaline sports to blow-off steam, instead of drama-mongering. Stability is good; and conflict for the sake of conflict, is destructive. 

For Him: Step out of your comfort zone for your partner. It will be worth it in the end.

3. For Her: bickering about menial things gets old. Is the ordeal of which towel was not hung on which rack really that important? It better be worth fighting about it with an otherwise good partner, who... just can’t read your mind. It better especially be worth it, after that partner is driven up the stake by your nagging, and gone.

For Him: Do your part around the house. Don’t make your partner ask you something twice. Not ever. For many women this is a make-or-break deal. It’s not your father’s childhood times anymore.

4. For Him: Honesty is vital here. Don’t say you don’t want children (since she doesn't), just so she gets into a relationship with you; when you clearly do want them. Do not start pushing for them, the minute you’re under the same roof. Unless you want disappointment. Instead of “pushing”, refer to #3 to prove you’d be a good, helpful co-parent, and make her concerns moot.

For Her: Sometimes giving your partner what they ultimately want can be the greatest joy. But a child is a big decision, especially when your past experience in co-parenting wasn’t great. If you can’t do it – be honest. Rip the band-aid. If you can, and want to – don’t look back at the lousy past.

5. For Both: When considering relationship, ask yourself, What Can I Bring To This Party? – instead of What’s In It For ME? That changes everything.

[ej-thepersonal]

The Evolution of Normal. Post 88.

Summer is definitely on the move. I am hoping to catch at least one more great beach day – or night – before it all wraps up for the season. Also, the strange exodus of nearly everyone we know continues this week, with even more news of pending departures of friends and acquaintances. Sad time to be in your thirties in our city, right now – or an exciting one, depends on which side of the action you find yourself. The sad part often brings realization, that some of the faces which have been a regular part of your everyday life, will no longer be there; in fact, we may never see each other again, or for really extended periods of time. The exciting part is, if you’re the one moving towards the better – all the great things that come with it, await you - along with the honeymoon of your new place and surroundings – and, possibly, new friends, too.

Desperate for a change, my partner and I are gearing up to pounce on another house none of us love that much, but this transition time had been so tiring, we just want to move on before the windstorms set-in. I’m down with that, and, in fact spent the weekend scouring the areas for a Plan B – a different place to move to, if our first choice proves to be too dragged-out. More people, like us, one after the other, seem to be bundling up their belongings and setting themselves on the road, as far away from this city as their situations can allow. And that’s the new normal.

I even heard from my frenemy these days, that she is, so far, leaving as well, as intended/ scrapped long ago. After not seeing each other for the better part of the past year, we both have, hopefully, moved on from our past conflict and there will be no getting-back-to-the-old-ways at her goodbye-party and garage sale. Civil, laconic, well-wishing and professional is our new normal. Hopefully.

As for my “buddy”, well, that is also a ‘reality-on-the-move”. After facing my own reluctance to spend time with her, I decided to, instead of feeling guilty; embrace an on-line psychological advice on friendship transitions. A column I found stated, that we tend to mistakenly think, that ending a friendship-gone-sour is “dishonouring” it, rather that accepting the changes within it, and all the work we may put in to “make it the way it used to be” is a waste of time and effort. Friendships serve a time in our lives, a situation we are in, and then, like everything else, they change, evolve, move on and that is, also, normal.

My buddy and I were a match, when we spent those afternoons at wine tastings on a short notice, both available and curious. She, like myself, also had her contacts move on and away in the past year or so; or taken on a different path in life, while she stayed, mostly, the same, with some added bitterness she’s willing to take out on those, who are going on their own transitions. Now, that I am a part of the move-away-bunch, she no longer values our friendship, as it does not suit her needs, just like her lifestyle is getting further away from mine. We were a match when I was sick with ED/EB; when I was lost, but was fun on the outside – but now that I have a plan for myself, she’s found herself not having one. I became the evidence of her insecurities, and we are a match no longer. And that’s the new normal.

If I learned anything from the episodes with my frenemy, is that, trying to get an evolved friendship “back on track” is indeed fruitless, and frustrating. Looking back it became very clear that while I wanted us to go back to her “charming times”, when she was my business idol -- she wanted us to go back to her “pity-party times”, where she gets to complain about her life to raise pity. So, we clashed, and nothing seemed to fix us, but the imminent “end”.  

My “buddy”, too, will become someone I regard very highly, and miss sometimes, but there is no going back to the way things were, as we had both changed. I will be thrilled to run into her at an event, which I will; or have her to write me at times; or on an occasion we will raise a glass of a rare wine, to toast our *now* and let the good memories not be spoiled by the bad ones.

I have to learn to discipline myself into accepting the “normalcy” of transitioning friendships. It’s perfectly OK to miss people; and miss the good times with them, but once those wisdom teeth replace the baby teeth, there is no going back. 

New. Normal.

 Other interesting links:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201603/the-difficulty-ending-very-long-friendship

http://liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/letting-go-of-someone-you-love

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/toxic-friendships-accepting-forgiving-and-moving-on/

[ej-thepersonal]

Que For Insecurity. Post 87.

Strange occurrences are no strangers. Yet, it is still a bit strange, when they happen caused by people you don’t really expect to cause them. Well, it’s been a roller-coaster of events leading to really not much after all.

Firstly, we offered on a house, bones of which we (somewhat) liked, but ended up walking away, as the sellers were not willing to come down in price. We did not see it worth it to come up, as the house was in quite a poor shape and needed a ton of work and spending in updates. They weren’t very good at caring for it or even putting it together in the first place, with many a staircase railing missing, unleveled floors laid in different materials, not a door inside that was not crooked; and finishes built for indoor use, withering away in the outdoors. All appliances were old and dirty, mismatched cabinetry and faulty installations of, well, everything; oh, and the carpets had a smell I could not even identify. The worst part was an enormous custom deck, which had a shaky structure to it, which destroyed an ocean-facing yard below—and access ladder to the beach had almost completely rotted away. We had a good laugh while viewing the property, and when the seller stuck to their inflated—and probably, a nostalgia-driven, price, we weren’t sure what is worse now. To keep waiting here for our small area of choice with a slow market attached; or having to invest so much time and resources to give that home a heavy facelift it deserves – or we do, for that matter. So, we walked away in some relief, but it was still disappointing. However, my mistake was to tell a friend about it...

Aren’t your friends supposed to be supportive? I am laughing wile I type this today, in hindsight of what happened. That was one of those situations, where it becomes really evident that every once in a while we all just need... new friends. Either that, or I am really not good at keeping a proper distance away from people who tend to become bulls in the china shop, when it comes to empathy. Or common sense. I need to get better at that, starting right away.

The fun-loving lady, whom I got close to in recent years, who had been my uncomplicated good-time buddy, a restaurant chaperon, and an available and willful partner in crime to go explore local places of interest, recently started showing a side of her I had not seen before, which appears to be all too reminiscent of that very complicated and drama-driven frenemy I hadn’t talked to in a few months short of a year. My “uncomplicated buddy” has lately been cancelling our plans last minute, or getting upset over small details. She would make her objections very theatrical, with an inconsolable over-tone if we tried to accommodate her. She cited high stress levels she’d be facing recently, with her elderly mother’s health deteriorating, whom she’s sharing a house with; and her income mired with not very upstanding contract employers, who often are handing her a run-around for payments and stringing her along with promises of permanent work. She also recently reached an important anniversary, which previous generations regard as the beginning of the second half of one’s life. So, OK, not an easy ride, however, my buddy had not exactly jumped to solve any of her “high stress”, further more she had recently developed a habit of profusely complaining about her situation, while doing nothing about it - all in a striking resemblance to my Frenemy.

While planning for her anniversary get-together, she was at first reluctant, then undecided, and when finally decided, she opted for a pair of high-priced restaurants. Our other friend, whom she invited, expressed concern of not being able to spend so much, since she returned from two trips recently, and suggested we stick to one restaurant. That sent my Buddy into a tail-spin. She nearly cancelled the whole thing, shut the other friend out of conversation, and it was me walking on egg-shells for days till I succeeded to bring the whole thing back on track again. Once there, already irate and uncertain from the strange mood of the past days, all of us did fine over mediocre food and wine, laughing at our predicaments and praising the view outside.

Then I brought up our recent house buying mis-adventures. This revealed that our third friend, at the table with us, knew about our recent attempt to purchase, while my Buddy did not, although she knew about the house hunt and my keenness to move from here as soon as something lined up. 

And, here comes another tail-spin... My “fun-loving” buddy lunged at me with some heavy-weight put-down words and jabs, mean and sarcastic, and seemingly, out of proportion. She implied we weren’t very smart, or did not know what we were doing, and basically, got what we deserved. I, in a civil manner told her that it was not unexpected, and yet, it is easy to state one’s opinions after the fact. She did not let-up. She kept coming at me, so I finally snapped, saying she likes to act as a know-it-all, an expert of everything in the world, even if her expertise is revealed after things happen, rather than during or before; and that she likes to cram her opinion down the throats of others’ even if she knows nothing about the subject of her “opinion”. Having watched and analyzed the market of where we’re looking to buy for over a year, we are very privy to what is going on, and I also told her it was insulting to have her put me down like she was trying to. She stayed aggressive, now starting to swear at me; as, perhaps the booze had emboldened her behaviours. Somewhere during her tirade, she told me I should leave my partner immediately, as the whole thing is a farce anyways. Well...

After I left the table, and then decided to go back, things eventually settled down. We kissed and “made up”. Or did we?—even though it happened more than two weeks ago, I still have this feeling, that I lost another friend that afternoon (possibly, two, as we sure scared the other lady who came along). Her antics definitely got her disinvited from staying with us in our home once we move, wherever it will be. Although, we have been messaging loosely, I have kept my distance and next time I see her I will talk about what happened and see what her response will be.

I do know she hates the fact that I am looking to move—and I am just one of many of her social contacts in transit. It must feel angering to be middle-aged, live with your mother and watch as others takeoff down the paths of their own, and essentially, away from you. She hates the fact that I made the choice to stay with my partner, once the PTSD and depression no longer clouded my decision-making. She probably depicts herself and me, both, fun-loving and single, hopping through restaurants and tasting wine (not that bad of a vision, I must say). She probably hates the fact that I have other friends, whom I talk about important things more than I do to her. But as of recently, I have been cautioned by her new (?) habit to complain, vent, cancel plans, be moody and controlling; and now, this odd outburst of rage, as we both, me and our third friend experienced. Is she stressed beyond brink, or is she just showing her true colours, like my frenemy had in the past, and after about the same amount of time of us knowing each other?

It must be me, who is attracting dramatic people as my social contacts—BUT, if I learned anything from the saga with my frenemy, no toxic friend is worth retaining. The drama, the put-downs and the manipulations will not be outweighed by the good times, because there will only be fewer of those, as far as I know. My buddy is a Put-down Paulette: to stave off her own feeling of insecurity, she tries to stomp on me—and I am sure, on others, too. While I am glad I stood up to her that day, I will now have a very hard time accepting her as, simply, a friend, ever. Distance has been drawn. I need to learn to be more careful with people, as they may show a side that I’ve been refusing to see before.

[ej-thepersonal]

Hey, It’s OK. Post 86.

Time slips quicker than ever, it seems; so I must be doing something right. Summer is here indeed, and our plans are moving along. We house-hunted; we celebrated little things, and made some new big things; gained and lost friends; there was a thunderstorm, which is very rare for my neck of the woods.

 It seems like so much has happened, and at the same time, nothing significant happened yet. So, I figured, all the snippets of time that came and fled, are best captured in a form of thoughts, flowing freely, all while answering various questions that arose in the number of weeks since I last signed-in here.

 June’s Hey, It’s OK –

 ... to go back-and-forth in excitement and nervousness while committing to the largest purchase of your life – your home...

 ... to take pride in your achievements...

 ... to not be passive in making important decisions: others can sympathize, but they won’t make them for you...

 ... to make plans with other friends, when someone craps out last minute...

 ... to miss someone still, even while knowing their friendship is not a good one – we’re not robots, and miss the good times; and yes, dismiss the bad ones sometimes...

 ... to buy yourself nice things once in a while...

 ... to prefer your lifestyle choices over those of others. And, defend them, if needed... It’s your life – your call...

 ... to love what you do. Really love it...

 ... to be extravagant on special occasions. Or not so special ones, once in a while...

 ... to weed out relations, that do not reciprocate you with harmony. Life’s too short for toxic people, and it is SO MUCH BETTER without them!

 ... to not want to be responsible for anyone, but yourself and your decisions...

 ... to open a really good bottle of wine, just for you. On a Tuesday...

 Here’s to a great new month!

[ej-thepersonal]

(Almost) Summertime Sadness. Post 85.

Spring is a time of change.

Hopefully, the kind of change we are waiting for, that is beneficial and enriching. Oftentimes it comes following the not-so-welcome change of losing people to their own ‘changes’. Lately, it felt like everyone was leaving. Many friends pack up and take flight, come spring, and seemingly, and this year appears to be more intense than others have been. 

To be fair, we are also waiting to leave, so I’m myself here, not so different. But the rate that my other contacts are disappearing, is alarming for the city and our various industries. We’re all young, resourceful and would otherwise be considered this city’s future, but none of us is too eager to stay.

It is expensive here, if you’re growing a business, and are out-growing your space, your capacities, but the investment it would take to expand here is large and the outcomes are unreliable. Older buildings, where we used to work get knocked down every week in favour of fancy new residences; retailers disappear in favour of high volume/ high margin coffee/ hooka /tattoo shops, homogenizing neighbourhoods. Or, someone good vanishes, someone cheap shows up. Garbage stays un-removed for weeks. Everyone’s income is stretched. 

So, they’re leaving. And in the face of the many departures of people I am unlikely to ever see again, I remain wishing we were spending more time together, and keeping this exodus in mind, as everytime you spend a great evening with a friend, that evening could be, indeed, the last time. 

I can’t wait for our changes to take place – but sad to see friends go. Such is the reality of transient lives, and places that are not run better, suffer it more than others.

[ej-thepersonal]

Good To Be Back. Post 84.

Good to be back, good to be starting the new year. Another busy work season passed, and now there is time to reflect and relax.

I was really looking forward to the season, the holidays and all that, and this year, when the anticipated good days actually arrived, they felt somehow deflated and anticlimactic. Perhaps that is true for every year, and we need to simply adjust our expectations and embrace the everyday, the mundane part of it all. Well, I felt just a little bit unloved...

The temporary home-base for my business turned out to be a great experiment, but was not necessarily financially rewarding. New market, new town and me living away and being unable to be there as much as my partners did, proved to be tough. I was surprised, indeed, how tough. I usually have a record of sailing smoothly through the new markets and finding following wherever. This was quite a bit different, and evident just how established my partners were in that area. They lead, so I followed. Sometimes I felt very discouraged to continue, but I persevered and it turned out to be worthy. Just not great. But it is the town me and my partner are looking to move to, so I need to be present there and start establishing myself there now...

I also got a bit more of the awkward moments with my frenemy, who every once in a while decides to reach out and check “if I’m still mad at her”. It’s amazing how hard it is to get rid of some people. I restated my position, that although I am not “mad”, we will not be friends again. That seemed to have done it with the questions. We message each other once in a while about general things, and I do like that. Civil, not BFFs. That must be the formula.

My health took a turn as well, perhaps due to all the work and travel schedule, stressing over strange pace of sales in our new home-base and questioning my overall path of life (oh, yes, I still do that, despite shaking the depression and ED/EB). I was ill again and again, with strange colds and also from side-effects of other medications I am on. I even managed to hurt my back sleeping on my friend’s couch while tending to the home-base one weekend. I also underwent a treatment, which put me out of commission on the very eave of Christmas. I was also paid late from another retailer, who usually does great with my stuff, but they seem to get into unpredictable financial hurdles lately. My other retail rocked the season, but in some ways I felt I did not provide them with enough items to keep going and do even better. Once in a while, I find my communication is still in the middle-school level, where I worry more about overburdening people, rather than getting in there and getting things done. That’s something I will work on this year, right away.

And, through the whole time, due to various health implications, I fought fatigue. A bad one. So work halted, sleep took-over and a lot of wine got left un-mulled...

I’m still struggling with fatigue and drowsiness. But days have been clear and sunny, so it helps and I am trying to keep good attitude about it.

I suppose that’s the holidays of the adulthood. And we just have to keep going and see what’s next.

[ej-thepersonal]

No Place For The Tired. Post 83.

Things eventually do go back into their proper places. My partner and I talked and cleared some air; now waiting for the next perfect water-edge home to come up onto the market...

I had a trade-show, set-up a temporary home-base collective shop close to the area we want to move into. It has been a busy time. 

I heard from another friend, who is still in contact with that difficult former friend of mine, and she told me a few sad stories regarding our mutual frenemy, since I no longer am in communication with her. She said, my frenemy’s second ex lately got off the rails, with his mental illness flaring up and him returning to substance abuse, just like he had in the past. I was also told, my frenemy is at the wits-end, feeling very alone and down. My friend met with her once, but not since... I spent some time thinking, I should reach out, but my body’s reaction sent me clear signals, that this idea wasn’t a good one. I woke at night again, felt stressed and headachy. So I am sticking to my earlier decision to stay away. My wish was, that my frenemy had told me of her trouble (because, this is an actual real and tough issue, for once, rather than drama), instead of that long letter of excuses she sent me. We would probably, be still talking (if that is even a good thing)... But, she chose her path, and so have I.

I am starting to work on the new season prep for my business, and I am really excited, and traveling to tend to the shop at the same time.

Also, holiday gift shopping has started, and I can’t wait to surprise my birth family back home. 

It’s all good – lots of work, but we like it that way. I am really looking forward to some time with a friend I am staying with, while working at the shop, and our chatters.

[ej-thepersonal]

Feels Like Heaven. Post 82.

I am being sarcastic.

Seems, so much had happened over just a handful of days, and I truly am reluctant to talk about any of it. The good part is, that I managed to skip a holiday dinner with my partner’s family, for a much-preferred “me time” at home, thinking, what went so wrong in these past few days. 

Well, this weekend had brought over a major disappointment. My partner’s long coming-to-terms and soul-searching period related to us moving away from this city, cost us our first choice of a would-be-home. Sure, we did extensive research on the area and the place, we found and worked through its shortcomings and flaws, we consulted agencies related to various specificities, such as earthquake zones, soil movement and strategic plans for public beach accesses behind the fence of the property, and many, many, other points. We got it all ironed-out. 

But, it all took too long. Someone snatched-up the home before our offer was submitted to the seller, after nearly three years of market stillness. That alone, is not such an unusual occurrence, but this news came as a part of, what was unfolding to be, an already unfortunate weekend, and it also uncovered a deep sink-hole for our relationship, which I will discuss later here...

It all began on the Wednesday afternoon, with a sudden barrage of texts from my frenemy – accusing me of shunning her, scolding me for not doing her “the favour” I talked about in the previous post, then turning down the invite for her daughter’s birthday; accusing me of not liking her daughter altogether; accusing me not of inviting my frenemy anywhere to socialize...

So, later in the evening, I sat down and e-mailed her my thoughts, my concerns on various incidents we’ve had, the general lack of reciprocity in our past friendship, my dismay at how she has been treating me over time, and some honest suggestions, as to why her friends are disappearing in droves. While I was nervous sending this e-mail, I knew it was coming; and my animosity had grown so much towards her behaviour, I had no way forward, unless I told her.

Later into the night, she replied, with a long e-mail, stating various flaws of me; and saying, that these “flaws” sometimes cause her to have her less-than-positive attitudes towards me.

Well... among the very predictable 2+ pages of text, I found her denying all wrong-doing and making excuses for herself over and over again, like she had been, every time we tried to talk. I also found some quite valid intentions, that she may really mean to make things better between us at this point. But it got me thinking – if we essentially want the same things for this friendship, how can we end up standing on such opposite sides, distant islands, and seemingly have no way of reaching any viable consensus without the unnecessary drama and animosity. I wished right away, her reply was just, at least a bit, less, than what I’ve expected; I wish she did look inward deeper and confronted her own defence mechanisms, but she, ultimately, did not. I wish my honest words carried just a little bit more weight on her, but, as her reply showed, they did not.

As I woke up in my bed, long before sunrise, and caught myself thinking about what to, actually, do about her and her ways, and whether to keep them both in my life. I eventually turned to my pragmatic self and decided, that there is no future for this friendship anyway... Mainly, because, we are moving away; and then, likely, she moves abroad, to her childhood country, and chances of seeing each other ever again, are sparse.

I knew that she, or her daughter, would not be invited to our new home in the wilderness, as none of them are all that self-sufficient and able to self-entertain; she is a lot of pain and maintenance, and little reward, so I decided, to just move past this and let it be... Eventually, I did fall back asleep.

The next morning we got a call from our buying agent, letting us know, we lost the house we picked and were going to draft for. That same evening my partner was working late into the night, on our proposal... just too little too late...

It took nearly 12 weeks from when we discovered the home and the area, till when we drafted the now defunct offer on it, with viewing it half-way somewhere. Research does take time, and we did lots of it, but it was also intermitted by, seemingly, unnecessary dilly-dallying, as my partner did not take my repeated advise to act faster, to view it, to come to a mutual conclusion on a number for the proposal; and in general, to go forward.

He seemed to wait for more market listings, despite it being fall; he seemed to wait for more comparable homes, and there were none. Sometimes, he seemed to just be delaying for no particular reason. I called him out on numerous occasions, that his delays seemed deliberate and based on fear of change. He denied. He did say things, like, we were getting that house, and we were moving before the winter, and we were adding extension to it, and yet, his actions lagged behind. 

Now, in this transaction, he would carry the main share of the investment. As a self-employed business-person, I do not get as great borrowing rates, as he does. So, I will be adding my funds, and he will be adding his larger share, in proportion of probably, 60/40. So, I did give him a bit of leeway with his worries and soul-searching. But it seems to me now, that he did say one thing, while did another, and, perhaps, even semi-unintentionally, but delayed us out of this possibility, which would have made us move away from here as soon, as next month. But that will not happen anymore. We lost the home, which was in a perfect setting, and a nearly perfect lay-out.

As soon as the news broke, I called him out again, for those same things. He was his usual – defensive, aggressive, counter-accusative. We went through a portion of silent treatment, then a conversation on his overall intentions, which, although it was a good one on some aspects, it did not convince me that he is as willing to move away, as I am. I also addressed the fact, that my concerns and advice had been ignored or not listened to, and the outcome was precisely, as I predicted would happen, if we don’t act.

This isn’t over yet, as the sink-hole changed how I feel and where I stand in this relationship... We will have further discussions. He since changed his tone, saying he is too impatient to wait for spring, for the market to pick up again, and wants to move now, as intended. Really?

Later on that day I got an alert from an overseas friend, that she had sent me a gift in mail, and asked me if I got it.  I realized, that it was most likely lost in mail. I searched with the concierge of our building for it, and they did not seem to be very competent on tracking incoming parcels. I phoned the help for the postal services, but, since it was the long weekend, they were already closed.  I thought, by then, what else can go wrong this weekend?...

Because of how I now feel about my relationship, I wanted to skip the scheduled for yesterday get together with his family, for a holiday here. I did not want to answer questions from them, or pretend everything is hunky-dory with us.

I wanted so many times to leave him, when I was sick, and I tended to put that to my sickness, until now. Now I just want to leave him, if he stands in the way of my progress. I stayed back drinking wine and playing tunes that made me feel better about this, seemingly, disastrous weekend, that even included my birthday... I did some work, too.

Late in the evening I received a call from my building concierge, that after two days, my lost parcel was found.  Earlier, my frenemy sent me a greeting card, for my birthday, which I thanked her for. Now, our final exchange will not be one full on mutual animosity, and I can move on from that too.

So, although, things are appearing to straighten up, for now, I am still very shocked and down about my relationship and our lost house. We since then had a nice date night, and he’s been great, but I wonder if it is all because, he knows, he is in the doghouse for the long-haul. ...

We will see what the next days will bring. Hope everyone’s weekend was better, than mine.

[ej-thepersonal]

The All-encompassing Importance of Being Nice To People. Post 81.

Overtime I got significantly better at saying “no”. When I was younger, I struggled with it, and must admit, had put myself at a disadvantage because of it. For the most part, being accommodating, is great with the general bulk of people you’ll meet, except with the ones out for chronically depending on favours for whatever reason. 

My difficult former friend is one of those chronics. Every once in a while she surfaces, randomly, either with a friendly attitude, or not so friendly, as well. Over the recent year, our communication had been minimal, resulting in rare and brief meetings, in a public place, oftentimes involving another acquaintance coming along, which keeps my frenemy from whingeing and reciting monologues. However, although she had overall been way more positive in these meetings (which we attest for her success with a new therapist she’s been seeing), her attitude still swings, and nastiness shows. Being sad, after having to return from vacation, she took her anger to social media, posting passive-aggressive statements about lack of friendly support coming her way, for her and her disabled daughter.

And when those one-liner rants did not get the attention she expected, I soon found a nasty comment left by her on my status update. I posted a picture of an empty sunrise beach, with a comment, that this is MY version of first day of (no) school, alluding to my childfree lifestyle. A lovely refresher amongst the barrage of images of children with backpacks on my feeds in the past days... Having to head back from what turned out to be a great vacation, and having to shuffle her daughter out onto the school-bus, with all the chores that go along with it, she got mighty bitter. I watched, as our other friends chimed-in in the defense of my posting, including some, whom she had a screaming match with about a year ago. 

All this on-line drama was promptly deleted by me, and at that time I really thought I was done with this frenemy, and any of our communications will now become a thing of the past. I did not hear back from her till two weeks later, when she invited me to meet, as her daughter was away. I cautiously agreed.

We met and had a decent time, until the very last moment, where, while waiting for a bus to ride home, she asked me, if I could do her a favour... True to herself, this frenemy never comes without a catch. Needless to say, a bus-stop is not a place to be calling out past nastiness, so instead of confronting her, I suggested alternative solutions, in which case she would not need my favour. I also said, I can think about, whether I can do it or not, but she should explore other options first... 

On the way back, my blood was boiling. This woman is so socially tone-deaf, she has no accountability for her recent attitudes. A few days later, she contacted me again, asking if “I am still interested in helping her”. This ticked me even more off, as I never agreed to “help her” in the first place, nor promised anything. So, I said, I was not able to do the “helping”, and that’s why I asked her to explore other options.

I felt immediately better, after turning her down, despite receiving a few rant messages describing her other friends “as good as dead”. All I wanted to say was, that she probably wasn’t particularly nice to them either. If no one – really, no one comes to your aid, you’ve probably brought this on yourself. You can’t be tone-deaf nasty to people at one moment, and then expect them to forget it all, “help” you at another. It doesn’t work that way, and it should not either. 

That same week I turned down another random request from a rather distant acquaintance, who does not really socially engage with me, except for when she wants something. It felt good, although, not as good as the first one!

My frenemy eventually managed to do the thing she wanted done, herself, which I knew she was perfectly capable of. She just chose to try and make it other people’s problem. Under other circumstances I would have done this favour, it was not too big of a deal, and would have helped out a friend. But in the case of her, she needs to understand that she, too, has a role to play in the give-and-take exchange that is a friendship. 

Earlier this week I turned down her invite to her daughter’s birthday celebration. Last year it was such a disaster, I do in no way want that history repeated, and instead I’d rather spend my last weekends in this city, with a company I am compatible with, and, actually, enjoy.

[ej-thepersonal]

Dear (desperate) males of my city:. Post 80.

A woman in the grocery store, buying breakfast food at 10 am is running her day’s errands. She is not there to “meet” you. She’s probably busy with work and this is her quiet break. 

So, obviously, this is not—and I repeat, NOT the time to..., oh, “approach”, “meet”, “talk”—or stalk and annoy her, rather, in the real world terms. As, expected this woman will get annoyed with you and most likely, angry with your behaviour.

She will embarrass you and call out your behaviour as stupid, which is what it is. You have absolutely no business commenting on how, you think, she looks like, or what, you think, she "must" be doing in her life. You're a stranger—a random dude in a grocery store at 10 am.

You could have been a nice dude, really, but your stupidly annoying and inappropriate behaviour did you the biggest disservice of the day. 

So, this happened this morning. I hope the guy will know better next time. There is a time and place for your “approaches”. A grocery store line-up at 10 am is not one of them.

[ej-thepersonal]

We are all, simply, birds. Post 79.

What has indeed started to happen in my current city, is a large scale exodus of young (and young-ish) skilled people. Many of them are my peers and friends, and it is a saddening situation, as fewer and fewer of us remain here to make this boring place better. 

I have been dying to leave for a long time – especially during my darkest times, not that long ago. I felt that a change of scenery and distancing myself from my partner would resolve a lot of my issues. Then, as I got better, I was mentally ready to dismiss that, and try very hard to focus on my recovery and mending the current broken world, without subjecting myself to another transition. Now, the urge to escape this cramped, over-capacitated and overpriced place had returned with a vengeance. My friends are seemingly making plans and getting on with them. A number had already left, to near and far, and another batch is ruffling their feathers before taking flight. 

I feel once again, like my partner is holding me. He found a new lease on his corporate job, after taking on a more responsible role, and even intends to forgo our older plans we made together, to move away, where he will look for another employer, and I will focus on re-rooting my business in its new home. Now, it is all developing around his work, his career, his aging mother and the work demands, that grew so much, he is unable to distress, not work nights, or even think of anything alternative. While I am happy he is once again, busy, I am witnessing his changing mindset, which starts to lean in favour of his current employer, putting our plans, second. 

He even suggested a compromise setting, where we would move away partially, to purchase property in the area of our choice; I do not root away my current business headquarters, he keeps his employer and we also keep our city dwelling, and go back-and-forth – till he can either transfer, or decide to leave... Not only that does not resolve our issues with the current city, but it brings a huge financial hurdle too... Is it just another reason and a sign, to fly off on my own?...

I tend to associate with friends, and respect their decisions, and hold them as, kind of, verified, and I’ve known for a long time, they can influence my decision as well. My thoughts resonate with theirs, and I find myself dreaming of moving to where some of them are planning to move. I suppose, every new challenge seems lesser, when you’re not quite alone. And, it is a strong indication, that there are many equally, and at the same time, differently great places to land on.  Essentially, when you are willing to be open, you find a way to make things more positive and enjoyable in any transition. 

We are bound to migrate – nearly all species do. So, sometimes, holding on to what is safe, can be the biggest draw-back. At this point I am not sure, if it will be him, who decides to cut ties with the employer and move on, or me, following the lower cost of operations and roaming like-fated peers. In the meantime I am trying to not be too sad for everyone fleeing the playground. After all, on the flip side – my very difficult friend is set out to leave too, and take her drama along. Maybe we all will have a few really exciting months to years, before we all vanish beyond the horizon...

[ej-thepersonal]

Follow-up Meditation. Post 78.

I did talk to her... This difficult friend of mine. She is in a much better place now, and perhaps, that is why her attitude is as though all the (criticism) water flows off of her, as if she were a water bird. 

We talked about the recent issues with the venues she had been asked to stop running classes and presentations at, due to poor feedback. She admits no wrong doing, and insists, that her teaching methods are her ‘style’ and ‘way’ and the critics – no matter how many of them, need to know better. SHE is the person, who has had students from all over the world coming to study with her, she said. As I was not rude enough to ask, exactly how many years ago was that? – I just let it slide.

We talked about some of her friends (perhaps, including myself) disappearing; and she had already made up her own version of the events. She insists, again, that her social circle is melting, because she announced her forthcoming departure to her childhood country, and most ‘friends’ would not be investing in their relationship with her. I tried to interject, by saying, that many people shunned her way before she ever made any announcement... I did, however, encourage her to talk to the friends in question, rather than making up her own versions of their stories... She did not get it still, I just let it slide. But the excuses were comfortably settled in her mind, and played themselves over and over, like a scratched record.  We talked, most of which, she just did not get. 

The strangest thing of all was that – all this time she was perfectly nice, sane and not a bit confrontational. So, she is perfectly capable of being nice, and even be listening. She just sets those skills aside, too often, to, perhaps get her way with people. I just hope, her announced departure, is not just a charade, to get back on people’s good sides...

Then, earlier that week, my biz rep announced halting all operations, for good.  Later, after meeting with the fellow ex-representees, I learned, that the reason behind her decision is mostly, her aging parents wanting to spend their winters in the warmer plains of eternal summers, rather than babysitting her daughter, when she takes off on her sales trips. Sad to think, that one may end up having to forgo a portion of their career they enjoy, because of how prohibitive childcare costs are. Without the family help, her travel no longer was feasible. In the light of this news, although this rep was not perfect, I still am disappointed to lose her, but yet again, relieved and reaffirmed on the decision I made so long ago – to stay childfree. This, I cannot let slide

[ej-thepersonal]

Girlfriend Meditation. Post 77.

That same, very complicated friend of mine recently made a social media announcement, that she is going to move back to her childhood country come next summer. She likes to make announcements, and then forget all about them later, replace them with newer ones, etc. I was not surprised, but in some ways, I was envious of her actually having an action plan. And knowing what she wants. Well, sorta.

If she does end up going after all, it is for the better – her family is there, she had been out of sorts here for the past number of years, her ill-fated friendships made her lonely without a clue as to why; her daughter has just as much future here, as in the developing world, unable to work due to profound disability. I think she should go – even though I will miss her, but in reality I have been avoiding both of them for the past year.

Just to prove my point, I recently wished her a happy birthday, to which she replied.... with whining. Just, how unusual of this person. At this point, I have only one advice for this gal - and that is to get a life.

But I have never really said anything real to her about either our fall-out, or our friendship becoming more and more dysfunctional. I did drop hints at best, or, on a number of occasions, offered non-judgemental advice (just to hear her whine about the same things next time I saw her, as if our conversation never happened).

But recently, her behaviours escalated to very persistent negative attitudes, resulting in her engaging in irrational confrontations and screaming matches with former business collaborators, her students, her other friends and the venues who used to host her. She had students walk out of her workshops, her talks cancelled due to poor feedback, venues warning her to call security if she does not calm down and/ or leave; and friends either vanishing or acting the way I do... I am now fearing for her health, as something serious might have come over her, and she chooses to be ignorant, like she has been most of her life; missing her child’s disability symptoms, her mother’s ongoing issues with mental health, ending up in emergency hospitalization; and her own repetitive instability.

As much as I’ve been avoiding her, and our ‘hard talk’, I now think, it is bound to happen for her sake. She may have a plan to go home, where she thinks she will be accepted and welcome again; but if she is ill, she will be miserable no matter where. I KNOW about that.