I find it so hard to imagine that at some point, living with the opposite kind of people somehow can really devastate you inside. A kind of feeling you don't even want to last....
I am part of the family, and they are also part of our family, they are my siblings, and there also goes my grandmother and my father. I admit, I don't get to used with the way they act. Their mannerisms. Their attitude toward things. Their kind of personality. Is just killing me. They are the ones who don't even know how to value other's emotions, they tend to do and say whatever they want without any limitations.
Seriously, i hate the way they look like at times, I don't even wanted to see and feel who they are. Especially to my siblings. They don't even became good role models to me. They are actually one of the lessons I never wanted to experience.. but here they are and there is nothing I can do but to just appreciate what they are. I admit it's hard to live each day with them. A same kind of old routines with them.
I don't even know if they appreciate me, my siblings actually cannot fulfill their duties as a group of older companion I really needed while growing up.. they lack a lot of things, I don't know where they had become and why they became my source of depression, I admit it 'cause it's true. I felt it. being with them at times is like living in hell, seeing the way they act, do the stuffs that don't even matter much, and showing what they had become right now is making me feel and down. What happened? Why are you guys like this?
I used to hate boys at times, its because of my siblings, especially my brother named Kim who always act as a superior bitch and a king in his own jungle. Yeah he is a rebellious man, whom I used to hate. I know it is not right to feel that way for them. But they do such stupid things that I couldn't afford to see. I feel nothing, deep, strange and alone whenever I am with my siblings. I may be the youngest in our family but I felt that I am the one who has the most mature mind among my siblings, Its a bit weird but this is the reality. I am seeking something worthy from them I'm just getting and getting sick with their acts and I guess I don't deserve it.
How many times should I need to secure my feelings? How many times should I need to allow the pain come in? I am not numb to feel and see every piece of them. I may not react too much on their stupid acts but deep inside me, I was already broken, hurt, stuck and lost for many years because of them.
How I wish I had sisters alone, but no, they can also be a nightmare to me. Too much hatred had arise. I know I shouldn't feel that way. But they never learn. I guess they will also never grow as mature people. I used to take them as big challenge. And I don't know why its very easy for them to hurt other's feeling. I used to ask myself why I am here? The opposite kind of people were my siblings.. whom will never grow.
I never expect to write up this "article" about me. My personal experience that really affected me so much. This is not the entire story to tell, this is just a part of it. A burst of emotion I need to let go.... to let go through writing. What a drama. Not a waste of time. Because of true emotions that had shown. Somehow I feel sorry for doing this but it is a part of me, and being true to oneself is one of the most important things in a person's life.... a big fact actually.
Knowing how to give time with your emotions feels so good. God knows I didn't mean to put hatred in the heart, God knows I felt bad too much. Well, prayer is really a key in every problem we take. And now, I realized that being true to oneself is really important.
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