IT MEANS EVERYTHING (NEWT X READER)
Requested? Yes. You know who you are. Thank you for the request, & a thousand apologies that it’s taken so long to post 💗
Warnings: Reference to Newt’s incident, descriptions of depressive thoughts/symptoms. Please, do not read if this could be at all triggering for you.
Tears burning hot in his eyes, Newt takes slow step after slow step towards the edge. He stares down, unable to tear his gaze from the cold, unforgiving concrete below. A shaky sigh bubbles past his lips, his breath turning to steam as it mixes with the cold night air.
He stands there, waiting - praying - for someone, anyone, to yell for him to stop, but there’s only silence. A suffocating void of anything good, anything bright, anything hopeful. Just the miserable, unendurable reality of the Creators & their experiments. Newt glances up, bloodshot eyes searching the sky for even the tiniest sign that someone - anyone - sees him, knows him, & wants him to live. But he finds nothing. And in that moment, he resolves to finally stop searching.
His mind is numb to the pain at this point. All that’s left is utter exhaustion - an overwhelming need for everything to just slow down, quiet down, end.
He teeters at the ledge, steeling himself as best he can, before screwing his eyes shut & letting his body fall forward.
But he never feels the impact. Instead he finds himself tangled in soft sheets, uninjured, & warmed by a body pressed tight against his side.
She’s staring up at him, face pillowed on his shoulder, the softest smile pulling at her lips. She tracks her finger over his cheek, traces the shadow under his eye. “You okay?” she asks, & Newt can’t help but heave a sigh of relief at the sound of her voice. Nodding quickly, he presses his arms around her & pushes his face into the warm crook of her neck. “Nightmare.” he says simply, lips pressed tight to her skin.
“I’m sorry.” Y/N soothes, her hands gentle & grounding against his back as she holds him to her. “Was it about the Flare again?”
Newt shakes his head, nose trailing against her skin. He’s had a lot of nightmares about the Flare since arriving at the Safe Haven. All too vivid memories of the thick black veins that’d once raked up his skin. Memories of almost becoming a monster. And still, this most recent nightmare felt even more horrifying...
“You wanna talk about it?”
He doesn’t respond for a few moments, wondering whether he can handle saying certain things out loud. But, then he focuses on the feel of her skin, the smell & the warmth of it; the way her arms are looped protectively around his waist & how her heart beats strong & true against his chest.
He can do it. He’s safe. She proves that to him with every look & every touch.
“It...was about what I did in the Maze.” he stutters. “What I tried to do in the Maze.”
At that, Y/N leans back, a pained understanding in her gaze, a slight tremble in her hand as she gently tucks her fingers into Newt’s hair. “Newt...”
“I was there again...” Newt recalls shakily. “...in the maze, alone...just...nothing, to anyone...”
“Newt...” Y/N whispers, lips soft against his temple. “...you were never nothing, to anyone. What the maze and the Creators made you feel isn’t true. Your life means something, it’s always meant something--”
“Then why do I still feel this way?” Newt asks, leaning back quickly, hoping for an answer in Y/N’s eyes. “With everything I put you through-- you & Tommy & Minho, Fry, Gally, everyone...Y/N, I could’ve killed you when I had the Flare & now we’re finally safe & I’m still being a burden---”
“Newt.” Y/N’s voice is soft but firm as she presses her hand to his cheek & carefully guides his teary gaze to hers. “You’re not a burden, on me or anyone else. The fact that you’re still struggling with what you did in that maze doesn’t make you weak or burdensome or incapable of moving on & being happy.”
Newt can’t help but hang on her every word. He touches her cheek with tender fingers, feels how real she is.
“It means you’re a person, who, by no fault of your own, went through terrible, terrible things. And you’re still here, despite it all. And I couldn’t be more grateful for that, & I promise you that Thomas & Minho & Fry & Gally & Brenda & everyone else feel the same.”
“I just...I just feel like...maybe it would’ve been easier for you guys if I hadn’t...”
“No.” Her voice cracks & Newt’s heart lurches at the sound. “Losing you would’ve been it for me, because to me...your life doesn’t just mean something...Newt, your life is everything to me. All I want is for you to see yourself the way all of us see you, the way I see you, because if you did...you wouldn’t wonder why you’re still here. You wouldn’t wonder why you survived that night. You would know you survived because you were meant to. You would understand that the world is a better place because you’re in it, & that we are stronger, happier, & better people for having known you.”
Tears hanging on his lashes, Newt just stares at her in awestruck disbelief. His chest feels full, fuller than it’s felt in a while...but not full of fear or dread or shame. Full of something that makes the corners of his mouth quirk up. Full in a way that somehow makes his soul & his heart feel lighter, freer, stronger.
He presses his forehead to hers, touches his nose to hers. “You...I...h-how...”
But Y/N just shushes him gently & hugs him tighter. “We love you.” she insists, smiling through the tears welling in her own eyes. “I love you...& I want nothing more than for you to love yourself.”
Smiling through a sob, Newt kisses her softly, desperately, infinitely grateful. “Thank you.”
A/N: Hi guys. I just wanted to reiterate what was said in this story. Struggling with depression or any other mental health issue IN NO WAY makes you any less valuable as a person or any less worthy of love or respect or happiness. You’re not a burden, you’re a human being. Please, be kind to yourself. And in those moments when you feel alone or abandoned, try your hardest to remember that you’re not. There’s always someone who cares and who is willing to show you just how much they care.
