H*ckin' Brain

Some rando that publishes their dumb brain thoughts on the web.

[ekkochamber]

6 - 2021 In Review

It’s been almost another year since my last post and it’s interesting to see what..like..changed. I’m in a different, much less stressful position at the same company, which is a fantastic change for my mental and physical health. I’m expecting another raise in a couple months. Sure, there’s some things I dislike, but it’s alright overall. The whole crypto and stock market thing didn’t really pan out well. I’m pretty sure I’m at a loss, but we’ll see when I have to report my P&L to the IRS next month.

The cat is still here with me. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had some absolutely awful thoughts of ways I’d get rid of this cat just to have some peace again. It’s weird to think the cat’s gonna be 8 in a couple months.

I’m fully vaccinated against COVID-19, including the booster.

My debt has actually gone up even more, but I don’t care to go into detail about it. It’s probably screwed me over on the possibility of ever getting an actual place to call my own without a co-sign from mom. The only semi-good news is my bankruptcy will be gone after like May next year or some shit, and one of those other loans I opened up I should be able to pay off with the tax return. I’ve been thinking of reducing the debt by doing the loan again after this one is paid off so that I pay about half the interest rate. Idk, it’s all fucked, but I need to fix it on my own so I don’t have another thing held over my head by mom. I just paid off the last bit of debt I owed her for paying off debt I previously had on a card and it’s all back. Don’t ask, it just all went bad with poor life decisions.

Honestly, if I could, I’d pay it all off and close out the accounts in one fell swoop. The only possible dog in this money making fight I have is in a shitty crypto. That’s only lost one 0 behind the decimal and if it gets to 0.20, then my life will be slightly less stressful. It’s just a pipe dream, but we just sit and wait.

I’ve been thinking about getting a house, but going over things I don’t think it’s realistic. Like...yeah wow a house that I can call mine, but...then I have to fix all the shit that breaks and I don’t really make that kind of money right now. And what if I lose my job within the next 5 years? Ain’t no way I’d have the money to keep it with all this debt I have and the money I currently make. So yeah, not gonna happen.

Dumb brain time. I attempted to form a friendship/relationship outside work with a woman and she isn’t having it. She isn’t telling me something and it’s killing me. It doesn’t help that I’m always the one to text first. I haven’t sent a text since “Happy New Year!” which was the day before I suggested we hang out. Then she said “it’s complicated, I’ll let you know.” Obviously, my brain is like oh she’s not interested in hanging out with me outside work at all. But a part of me also wants to believe she wouldn’t have said yes to hanging out if she didn’t want to. Then the day before she hesitates and she never let me know. I’m not mad, but the whole thing just had me fucked up so I just stopped texting her. If she wants something, she’ll come to me. If not, idgaf because clearly I’m not worth her time.

I’m not sure when the last time I had a wild depressive break down where suicidal and self-deprecating thoughts raced through my head so harshly I cried. So, I think my mental has been improving. My home used to be an absolute wreck, but I’ve been hackin at it like a mad man. There’s still things that aren’t placed right, but that won’t matter when I need to be packed up and moved out in the middle of this year. I cleaned most of the interior of my car, which has looked like someone lives there for the past couple years. Lastly, I got a gym membership because it’s time to whip myself back into shape. I think what I need to work on right now is my endurance. Treadmill, stair climber, eliptical, etc. I’m pretty sure I have to do it after work because there’s no way I would have the discipline to consistently do it before.

So..here’s to a better year. A year to better myself.

[ekkochamber]

Update and Dumb Brain Stuff

Almost hard to believe it’s been like a year and a half since my last post... So, not only did I create that loan, but I opened a new one with the same source a few months later. Super dumb decision and it took me a long time to pull the trigger knowing full well it was not a smart decision. However, as long as I have this steady income I’ll be able to pay it all off... Oh yeah, and I’m back to being massively in credit card debt. Idk why I bothered thinking that would ever change.

I still work at the same job. Same position. Same bullshit.

I’m almost positive I contracted COVID-19 that same year before anything was ever known or released publicly about it. I’ve never been that sick in my entire life.. Probably inadvertently passed it to other people since I worked while sick. Oops.

I adopted a cat. Slight regret for future things I want to do... like move out of this apartment and into sharing a place with the other person/people having a pet and this cat doesn’t play well with others.. Oops...

I’ve invested some money in a crypto I don’t expect to make anything off of. I also invested in a few AMC shares which will hopefully sky rocket into stupid earnings. This is either the biggest scam in history or the biggest win for poor people like me.

Alright, to dumb brain stuff. I haven’t had any sleep seizures since that last post that I can recall, but every now and then I wonder if it’ll happen. I had a family member kill themselves and a close friend ended up dying in the hospital not too soon after that. The friend dying hit me harder than the family member and sometimes I feel bad about it. I’ve realized when I get really depressed, I contemplate suicide and wonder if my mom would feel both grief and relief. Grief...obviously because I’m her baby. Relief because she would finally not have to worry about her financially irresponsible and possibly mentally deficient kid anymore. Most of the time all I ever get is some negative comment or some attempt at a guilt trip from her and it all feels so manipulative. I feel like the “good job” or “happy for you” responses are a front for how disappointed she is in the path I’ve taken and the choices I’ve made. She would rather me take on yet another debt, but with college to pursue a career in literally anything that would match her own salary.  I guess at least with death I don’t have to worry about anything.. For the record, I would never off myself, but that doesn’t mean the thoughts I have aren’t real and they get pretty fuckin intense to where I’m crying like an idiot.

This is why I want to move out of the state completely. Start over new. Be out of her reach. Survive by a thread on my own. So, hopefully this whole short squeeze thing will work out in my favor and make some move-out money.

[ekkochamber]

04 - Finances (pt2)

Welp. I either made another huge mistake or did something that’s going to help in the long run. I’ve been hating this feeling like I have no money and barely making it, so I got a personal loan that actually has a decent APR on it. Now, I feel...great. I’ve also made a few dumb purchases along the way, but I had anticipated that. Look...I know all this sounds extremely irresponsible, and it may be, but it’s a choice I made and I know what comes with the others I make from it. I have to slow down now because I have to stretch the rest of this out as long as I can and come out on top in the end.

So uh..yeah. Woo, stability at a price.

[ekkochamber]

03 - Finances

I’ve never been the best when it comes to my own finances. Sure, I have my own car and back into my own home, but I had to reflect on that earlier. The closest apartments to my work that I found to be relatively cheap (compared to others) still has me shelling out about $700 a month. It’s crazy to think I can barely afford all this now when, before, I had about the same numbers in my bank account. Again, I suck at not spending money. Let’s roll back about 11 years.

11 years ago was a hellish time. I was in a relationship with someone that I can only describe as a money vampire. Ignoring all the red flags and dumb shit that happened in our relationship, I spent money when I practically had none to spend. Maxed out both my credit cards. Went into the negative constantly after each paycheck. This is not a life to live and I honestly don’t know how the fuck I even got through it. Thankfully, about a year later, the relationship ended and I moved to where I am now.

4 years later, I’m practically forced to file bankruptcy when I get served a lawsuit. A debt collection agency wanted their money from someone who didn’t have money to give. I go bankrupt, and now I have like 4 years left of that blemish on my credit report. It was a big deal and still is to me because it showed how stupidly irresponsible I was. I’ve gotten better, but credit cards are probably the worst for me. I did get approved (years later) for a credit card that has a credit limit and APR I’m not comfortable with and a gas credit card. Both of which I don’t use anymore. Bank card because I was irresponsible (again) with it, only to be bailed out by Bank of Mom. Don’t worry -- she’s getting her money. Gas card because the gas I get is usually the cheapest and I can’t use the card there.

So, here I am. Trying again at being better at not spending money. It’s hard when you don’t want to go home from work and cook food. Even if it’s a sandwich, noodles, or microwaved corndogs. It’s a hard habit to break and I’m working on it. I made two irresponsible purchases recently and I’m mad at myself about it. I can take back one, but not the other. I’ve been wanting to save up for a convention, and those purchases pretty much blew it. Woo go me on fucking things up for myself when it’s getting harder to find more hours at work. I’m figuring it out. I just have to slow down and map everything out. Yay growing up in your 30s.

[ekkochamber]

02 - Nocturnal Seizures

It's self-diagnosed but pretty sure it can't be something else. No one knows I have them. They are very infrequent. So much so that my first I can recall is in 2011. I've probably had a total of 3 to 4 that I can remember. Mostly my head was kinda violently thrashing about. I didn't know wtf was happening, but it didn't happen again until a few years later. The last one happened a few days ago and it was kinda scary.

I was in a dream when I felt a weird tingling sensation in the back of my head. Almost like a tickle that makes your head cringe, but this was electrified. Then, I woke to my body shaking around. Probably lasted about 10 seconds. I got out of bed to look up about waking up to a seizure and found all I needed. Kind of crazy what your body does when you don't treat it right.

[ekkochamber]

01 - Friends & Brain

I’m new to the Tumblr scene, but I just needed somewhere no one knows me so I can dump these shitty thoughts I get. So, yeah here goes nothin.

I’m in my early 30s. No friends in real life. Plenty online via gaming, Discord, etc. It’s a bitter-sweet thing though. Bitter: can’t hang out with them in real life. Sweet: I don’t have to deal with them when I don’t want to. I don’t have to have that awkward “nah, I’m good I’ll stay here” chat. I can just disappear for a couple days to close off from everyone and no one ask questions when I come back. I just hate that I can’t hang out with any of them. The closest are almost 200 miles away and it’s not a fun drive.

It sucks. I’ve been without friends since 2011 and they were all made by a friend I made at a new job that I’m not friends with anymore. Nothing bad happened..he just moved to another state. I moved away from that part of town and shit just got worse for me because of...well...me. Change of jobs to part-time trying to do college and I lack discipline, so that didn’t work out. Part-time became nearly full-time at a pizza place for 7 years. I made friends at work, but I never hung out with anyone outside work.

Not sure when depression kicked in, but it was probably the 6th year I noticed it. Stupid thoughts of blowing my shit for brains out. I don’t mean the passing thought. It was the long, dreadful, thought-out process with tears streaking down my stupid face. Been single since about ‘08, back to living with mom since that job change in ‘11. The seven years of bullshit was really getting to me. I had to get the fuck out of both places.

So I did.

Late 2018 I got a new job with a company with really good pay. A couple months ago I moved into my new apartment. Since then, my brain has been so much quieter. So, 2/3 things have been taken care of that I needed to do. New, less shitty job. New place to call my own. Now, I just need new friends I can hang out with. Problem is I’m introverted as fuck and making friends in real life is terrifying. I don’t know how to do that. It’s always been go to work, make friends, hang out with friends outside work and make more friends. I’ve made friends at work, but absolutely no one has invited me to anything. There was a little meetup about a week ago with co-workers, but I wasn’t working that day so I wasn’t invited. It sucked because like...I have several of them as friends on Facebook and any of them could have messaged me. But they didn’t. And so my fuckin brain is like oh yeah dude they didn’t invite you because they just don’t want you there you old fuck.

I’ve looked into Meetup. I’ve looked into Bumble bff. I’m just shy as fuck and can’t bring myself to take that leap to be like hey let’s chill brah. So I’ll probably continue being this loner otaku piece of shit that continues to lurk the Internet, complaining how he doesn’t have friends because he’s a little bitch (my shitty brain talking there okay).

Would be cool to read someone relate and how they overcame this weird fucking wall. I mean..the obvious answer to most people would probably be “just say hi you loser” but it honestly just isn’t that easy for me.