So today is going to be hectic or at least it feels like it is
I guess part of the question is do I emotionally have the energy to go in to
we de center and I think I do I
don't quite have an option for that
I'm feeling very shooting or no I feel like I should say
God placed on my heart today to read Psalm 22 Read Psalm 37
And that was surprisingly encouraging
those who played to God's righteousness WAIT on Him He always supports and holds up and even if sometimes even if someone looks like they're succeeding
they don't last they just don't
they may make a lot of noise and they may be very flashy
They are like the beauty of the field which is a wonderful image that they are smoke that they are a shadow smoke
So I have a therapist appointment later today hopefully that goes okay or at least to help me mesh well
so last night Ashley's car died I had to drive into work and pick her up I also was concerned for our little dog because she
however it may be more along the lines of she's really needs to go to the bathroom doesn't have room which I'm hoping that that's the case because that would be relatively simple.
I'm also just realizing that I have added expenses that more expenses than I actually have money coming in. I've done that over the past several weeks and That's a game of tennis that really is not sustainable. And I don't know how that's I'm trusting God, that things will work out. But I'm guessing also that certain thing, so I need to get tighter. And that's okay
and I don't know how this is gonna work. I have faith God that it will. And part of that faith is I need to lose in faith. And that also means removing some things that are extemporaneous that I don't need
now, something tells me that most of these kinds of journals that people do are a bit more targeted. Because this is all the nitty gritty and sort of the emotional stuff that I normally would keep very private. But that's what it is. I guess there's no buts about it here you.
I feel bad about I want to say not wanting to collaborate with Donnie which is not true. I feel nervous about collaborating. I feel hesitant
partially it's been that I haven't had much brain space to
I know he's good. His lyric. Lyrically is amazing
his skill in that I don't think he really understands how gifted he is. And I know he doesn't because he's like, Oh, no, just do this thing. And I was like where last poacher even though it arrived on time. So what happened is we were trying to go over GarageBand and he's like, Oh, just play some answers. Just say words. You know, it's like a conversation and like I did not end up saying any words because I don't think he understood how limited my ability to process that at the same time was considering with the poetry that I've gotten to that level I started with phrases that I knew would be Higgledy Piggledy and then pick a random sound or Word and try and rhyme it and they were always simple. Like and then I'll use like, oh, just you know, just playing this or that say word and like, I ended up not doing because I was scared. Which I should not have been and I know that but I don't know why I was scared. I guess because I didn't want to look stupid hmm
I, one of the things which I've realized is that like I've just not been Opening up lunch with my, my co workers of the day center. I think because I've been scared because I haven't wanted to trust them, but that stuff.
don't really have good reason other than habit. Because it's one of those things where like, God placed me there.
He put me with these people.
And that means I need to learn that there are things that I need to do, and I need to learn. I need to get better at and I know that one of the things I need to get better at is actually dealing and interacting with people. And so I'm now with folks who certainly expect my ability to do stuff. But I need to make a much better show approach of interacting and understanding what a conversation is and how to elevate that and how to move in that
that's the thing I need to do. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. I feel a bit scared. And I feel a bit annoyed right now I'm mostly not processing what happened with my roommate over the weekend. On I think Saturday afternoon, I think
Friday evening No, it was not Friday. Maybe it was Thursday.
Now maybe it was Saturday, it probably was Saturday afternoon. I know because it was daylight and we were sitting on the low couch
just feels so like such a much longer time than that. She's turning 35 this year. She does not expect to marry me until she's 40.
she does not want her first sexual time to be with me. I haven't been with a woman before. But that's like just such a big hurdle. She just wants to do it with someone she has no attachment to and then get it over with.
Because like that whole thing of being naked with someone is such such a massive step
that she does. She She literally said, I know you too. Well. I don't want to do that with you. And I'm like, Okay.
I won't lie and pretend like she does eventually want to do that. She just doesn't want me to be her first time. And all I can all I could think for a while. I mean, I I forgive her. I forgive her. I forgive her. That hurt that fucking hurt. She's like, yes, I want to marry you. I just don't want my first sexual experience to you.
And I like to think is the old and I told her this the only reason I wandered around with a bunch of prostitutes. Trying to explore my sexuality is because I was in a relationship with someone who was profoundly uninterested in unenthusiastic with exploring that was me because I wanted to do that in a relationship. But I was in a relationship that just hurt. And he was he didn't want that. He was uninterested in me. But he kept like stoking those fires. So I had to go somewhere else. I don't think she understands. And that's okay. Because that's not a thing I want to do that's not really a thing that should be done to somebody
that hurt a lot on reflecting on it that night, I just remember thinking that I I paid for the privilege of being elevated to feel like beat
like to be sexual with someone to feel like beat. And I paid for the privilege of feeling like because I felt less than that
that when you pay money for that, like I don't think I've outside of like college and my ex boyfriend I don't think I've had a sexual experience that didn't involve money
Like it didn't either involve alcohol other than my ex boyfriend. None of my sexual experiences have all of my sexual experiences had have either had alcohol as a factor or
money. That's not completely true. But the
post college all of them have had money. Or the This isn't like the 95% range here. There's like 5% or vast majority of only money and that has a really big impact on how you perceive your own value. And because it means I mean, I think maybe the one or two after all the escorts were that wasn't true.
I like that hurt more because it felt like it was storming that I was only useful because of buying physical skills, that the person that I was underneath was actually a value
And I know that she's not saying anything about my value. I know she isn't saying anything about my desirability.
Intellectually, I know that emotionally I'm catching up. I have a therapy session later today with a new therapist, which will be a video chat. And I was hoping to like mostly I just need to process how I feel about Ashley.
I also don't want to hold any grudges on I need to forgive. It's literally one of the things which Christians are which are is unique to Christianity, that Christians are commanded to forgive. We are specifically told, basically commanded, things will be judged against you the way you judge others like what you hold against someone else that will be held against you. We are commanded to forgive, not just let it go. But forgiveness is active. It is an active choice.
Food especially for a temptation lately has been difficult. And
it's been a struggle for the first time in months, months and months and months. I actually got fast food from McDonald's. I was like hoping it was not what I was hoping for. I wanted to practice didn't get there in time for that. But it was just so unsatisfying. In a way that even something from the day center which is a bit more homemade, even if it's something from someplace like Olive Garden even that food is better, more nourishing, more satisfying
I know that I want to follow what mealtime I was doing before because I know it will work.
I follow this plan and it does work. It's very gentle. I'd like to be a bit more strict with mine for a time to get my body where I want it because I know I can do that
and it'll take a bit of leeway. And it'll take some time but I can do that
I need to do a bit of math. And most of the premium stuff that I have for veggies and such is basically gone. Which is partially what I've been waiting for. Also the fact that we currently have no dishwasher and almost all the dishes are dirty and I've had to scrub everything before I cook it before it cook with it has been driving me utterly batty. Thank you God that tomorrow. Ashley and I can go get we will go and purchase a new dishwasher and a clothes washer and dryer. And then maybe also a couch
the futon. Not from Walmart.
For the record, she's the one that said Not Walmart