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[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal March 17, 2023

So, I started to process the salt pile today. I hate that story, with a passion. Specifically, I started to process that I went back to it once I understood what it was. I felt just as trapped as the main character, though I didn't know why. And for a time, I followed a similar path. Now, I am moving toward a better, proven path of success, – also I have a far better master. Both more powerful, and better skilled, and more compassionate. One that wants to grow me into a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

Not one who intentionally abused me for his own benefit.

Emotionally, when I look back at this, it feels like a large mountainous cold glacier. Something large, dark and imposing, foreshadows, and mirrors of false reflection. "Fun house" mirrors that distort and warp any truth that might be present. This is a way I re-traumatized myself, for a long time. In the process of journaling about it, and handwriting, there are times when I feel like old fantasies and stories, and even scenes from this story, flash in my mind and I feel my body react. And emotionally I am not there. Emotionally, I am so not into it. And I know that even if my body reacts, that doesn't mean I'm actually interested. That is a lie that is often used by abusers, especially in the stories I used to read.

I also went through my contact list, in my phone, and removed all of the escorts, all of the cuddlists, all of the massage therapists who I did not actually work with. All the ones who gave me even slightly erotic massages, they are gone from my phone. There are still the old messages, but as time goes by I'm going to forget their names. However, maybe I should just delete those two. No old contacts. Nothing to dig up. That was, feels like it should be more difficult than it was to do.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal March 16, 2023

Last night Ashley mentioned that she wanted to go to a ren fair type event. I'd rather not go to Beltane. It some big special events a bunch of houses, that only opens for that one event each year. I didn't realize that, until I said I'd rather not go to the event name Dr. a pagan holiday, and then she got upset thinking, somewhat under the emotional impression that I was taking away a toy – which makes it sounds more childish apartment it was. I don't feel like I want to go to that one this year. And I dealt know how to tell her that beyond want about it, because it's frustrating. She mentioned jokingly the possibility of a of staying in him, and having only one bed. And sort of reenacting those scenes from the historical romances that she used to read. At this point – if she asked me for sex I would give it to her. It would betray all of my morals, it would betray my ethics – it would betray everything, but at this point if she asked for that, in that situation where we share a bed, I would give it to her. I feel like shipped afterward but I would do it. I wanted. And I think that's a large part of why God does not want me to go this year. Next year yes, this year, no.

Greg Hobbs that she was last night I don't know how to say that. And I know it's going to cause a fight.

Part of me feels so self-righteous. I don't know she – she seems to think I'm offended by other religions that I don't know where she got that impression. I think she's transposing me like things that other Christians have said with things that I have said as though there the same thing I don't know how often she does not. I don't know she knows that she doesn't. Where she thinks she understands why I'm doing dozens. I don't assume why she doesn't bring, will why she asks for thing. So I asked Mike Gillick sometimes she doesn't bother to. At least last night and felt that way.

She mentioned about the management help elsewhere I said that I could have been or she said that I could have a nine MM yard later came back and said no I'm sorry I cannot like you Out and about you, and I disagree about still really sucking I be really upset. And I do understand that that's probably how she feels. Granted I agree to not really thinking about it since you list off of bunch of things and I didn't know how many of those things were connected or related to each other. As I asked not to go to the big pagan thing – and she says how it's not a pagan thing is completely secular and I I'm don't know if you fully appreciate how much is probably going to be going on there, and frankly I would rather have exposure at a smaller level Ist than a big Midsummer celebration.

On top of that, I really don't want to be sharing a bed with her. That's untrue, I really do. And that's the problem. She doesn't see anything wrong with masturbation or premarital sex. She doesn't see it as a sin. And regardless of her opinion, it is what it is.

"The truth does not require your belief. It simply is, regardless of your personal convictions."

***

So I did some of the journaling for dealing with past trauma. I don't fully understand what happened with peeing my pants for so long in first grade. Something about that triggered some very specific story memories that had to do with men who were raped at work and who were taken advantage of at work. And partially had to deal with sexual assault as part of their job, partially got paid money to be humiliated, and have their power taken away, and be violated, – every day, for money.

– While that put some things together. I thing that they had to willingly walk into, every day, without choice, that they knew what happened. Yet they didn't, or couldn't leave.

– Something about that helplessness seems to trigger me. That shame and that violation specifically, possibly in a work environment, – something about that triggers me in a way that I don't fully understand. Maybe it's that helplessness in a familial situation, or maybe it's just that degree of helplessness in general. Because talking about that both then and now there is a degree of physical excitement, that emotionally does not match, and I find – irritating. And unpleasant, and confusing. It's not that it's confusing, it's that I do not emotionally enjoy it.

***

I just realized I would rather feel hurt than – I would rather be angry than admit how much something hurts. And I feel like I would rather hurt – then be healed. – That strongly confuses me.

**

I was just running a fantasy in my head of going to Bell time. And basically storming out in the middle of the night with a full lobby, screaming at Ashley about how if she wanted my body she could put a ring on it that she marry me. I seem to have fantasies about very personal pain that get shared, or displayed publicly in order to share it with others. So that my pain is not alone. I feel like that goes back to what happened in first grade. Something about, – I just remember a fantasy from years ago where something would happen to me publicly, or something is done to me, and all of my friends and most people who know me, or these people who are significant to me, are there to witness it and comfort me and commiserate with me and sit be like "oh we understand, it's okay". Something about that desire goes back to that pain that was so prolonged and repeated, that I did day after day after day. With out others noticing, or at least it felt like others did not notice.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal March 15, 2023

Well, I have moved on from doing the initial sexual experiences in the timeline. That is a very intensive process where I am not currently.

I am still writing, and including scenes and stories that I read, especially ones that I went back to over and over. That is both humiliating, embarrassing, and somehow strangely cathartic. – It amazes me how many of these stories involve great, and mind control, or trying to convince someone that they actually enjoyed what was happening to them when they had no choice.

I just journaled about talk about the experience I had in junior high with a spiritual creature and I'd sort of thought about this before and I'd said it before. That thing raped me. It raped my mind. I did not know how to keep it out, and it used my hesitation, and my ignorance to barge in. – It removed my ability to say no. And used my faculties to the best of its ability for a very brief moment. And I did not know how to stop it. I didn't know how.

I have started going to therapy, I at least have a therapist who does video chats which is much better than trying to do through text. I didn't even get to tell her really about my immediate situation with Ashley. Mostly I was trying to deal with a lot of background context. And that dealt with bringing up a lot of my spirituality as well as my ex-boyfriend. She did however give me almost a half-hour longer than our half-hour scheduled appointment time. I partially think this had more to do with her not having anyone after me, also because I was probably such a weird case.

I am profoundly concerned about my money. That's untrue, I am concerned about my available resources. I know I have more expenses than I currently have coming in. However, the things that I have currently spend money on – especially the ongoing expenses I feel like I have been supposed to spend that money. I feel like God put on my heart to get those things. That spending money on things like: my personal trainer with Mitch, seeing a therapist, also now this thing distro kid (which is an avenue through which I can put out music, or possibly slam poetry, I hope).

My roommate finally admitted that she is not in love with me. She finally said that she doesn't love me. And that was more difficult for her to say then simply saying that she might be willing to marry me in five years. The five years thing I consider crueler. With her admitting she doesn't love me, I feel at least I'm on more solid footing. I think she's also coming to a place where she wants to take much better care of herself, and all I can do is love her like Christ loves the church.

I feel like I have this option a stronger sense of what that means now. The have faith that God wants this to be, that God intends for this to happen. The have faith, and feel and act in the sure knowledge that it will happen, but it is not yet here. To long for that time, and yet still try and treasure each moment for what it is now. Not to look ahead, only be in this moment. She's thinking that she is the problem. Which in truth I initially thought to, before I realize how much stuff I also have to work through. But all I can do is love her like Christ loves the church. To empty myself and to serve.

It is not my job to protect myself, that is God's job, not mine. I know that both Ashley and I are switches, in a BDSM sense. And I feel it is so strange that I go to that vocabulary, and that community, in order to find and explain Christian marriage. But given the mid the vocabulary of to submit, the BDSM community is the only place that actually celebrates that notion, and tries to do so in a healthy loving way. And it does it in a way that is far more of the times – that is with today's vocabulary it makes a lot more sense. At least that vocabulary seems to explain things much more explicitly, instead of trying to parcel out the cultural parlance of the time.

All I can be for her is a service dom – a service dominant, a caretaker, in some ways a brat tamer. In some ways, I try to be of service, and submit to her, – but I don't really feel like she's worthy of my submission. Not yet. If she knew that I think of it this way, which eventually she will, I imagine she'd be a little shocked, or at least scandalized – probably really uncomfortable. At least until I can actually explain the dominance and submission dynamics as I understand them. Especially since I see both of us as switches, that it's a give and take. Right now I don't think she would disagree, though I think she might be hurt, by me saying that right now she is not worthy of my submission even though I give it. I'm not entirely certain how I feel about that, all I can do is support her. And still try and build and follow God.

I need to seek God first. I know this. And I do try. That apparently is part of the problem. Growing up she only really talked about God with other people, at least within her own family, maximum 4 to 6 times a year. And maybe occasionally with her friend caught yet in high school – and I imagine those conversations were maybe once a week or once a month. I on the other hand, grew up where God was a topic of conversation at least once or twice a week, frequently more. It was not all we talked about. But I'm sure to Ashley, it seems like that's all I talk about.

She's realized, or at least verbalized how much she hates her job. And I think she's possibly coming to reconcile the fact that she has someone that for every reason would be an amazing partner for life for her. And yet for something reason she doesn't want it, and is not happy with herself. I think she believes lies about herself. I think in some ways she self sabotages herself.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal March 10 2023

So, Alan has been reaching out to a lot of people. He's reached out to meet through Ross twice. Last night. He reached out to Ashley about his concern for me. This morning he texted my mother

I would prefer that he contacted me directly

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal March 9, 2023

I feel nearly done-I am almost done with my timeline. That is at least the initial creation staying. It's taken multiple weeks.-Far longer than I hoped it would.

I am running the coat closet at the day center. I've taken on the responsibility of setting out clothes for our neighbors to use take. It is a bigger responsibility, and more complicated than I initially assume.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal March 7 2023

Oh journal March 7 2023

So today is going to be hectic or at least it feels like it is

I guess part of the question is do I emotionally have the energy to go in to

we de center and I think I do I

don't quite have an option for that

I

I'm feeling very shooting or no I feel like I should say

but I felt like

God placed on my heart today to read Psalm 22 Read Psalm 37

And that was surprisingly encouraging

those who played to God's righteousness WAIT on Him He always supports and holds up and even if sometimes even if someone looks like they're succeeding

they don't last they just don't

they may make a lot of noise and they may be very flashy

but they don't last.

They are like the beauty of the field which is a wonderful image that they are smoke that they are a shadow smoke

bear they're gone.

So I have a therapist appointment later today hopefully that goes okay or at least to help me mesh well

so last night Ashley's car died I had to drive into work and pick her up I also was concerned for our little dog because she

threw up her food

however it may be more along the lines of she's really needs to go to the bathroom doesn't have room which I'm hoping that that's the case because that would be relatively simple.

I'm also just realizing that I have added expenses that more expenses than I actually have money coming in. I've done that over the past several weeks and That's a game of tennis that really is not sustainable. And I don't know how that's I'm trusting God, that things will work out. But I'm guessing also that certain thing, so I need to get tighter. And that's okay

and I don't know how this is gonna work. I have faith God that it will. And part of that faith is I need to lose in faith. And that also means removing some things that are extemporaneous that I don't need

now, something tells me that most of these kinds of journals that people do are a bit more targeted. Because this is all the nitty gritty and sort of the emotional stuff that I normally would keep very private. But that's what it is. I guess there's no buts about it here you.

I feel bad about I want to say not wanting to collaborate with Donnie which is not true. I feel nervous about collaborating. I feel hesitant

and

partially it's been that I haven't had much brain space to

devote to it

but also

I know he's good. His lyric. Lyrically is amazing

his skill in that I don't think he really understands how gifted he is. And I know he doesn't because he's like, Oh, no, just do this thing. And I was like where last poacher even though it arrived on time. So what happened is we were trying to go over GarageBand and he's like, Oh, just play some answers. Just say words. You know, it's like a conversation and like I did not end up saying any words because I don't think he understood how limited my ability to process that at the same time was considering with the poetry that I've gotten to that level I started with phrases that I knew would be Higgledy Piggledy and then pick a random sound or Word and try and rhyme it and they were always simple. Like and then I'll use like, oh, just you know, just playing this or that say word and like, I ended up not doing because I was scared. Which I should not have been and I know that but I don't know why I was scared. I guess because I didn't want to look stupid hmm

I, one of the things which I've realized is that like I've just not been Opening up lunch with my, my co workers of the day center. I think because I've been scared because I haven't wanted to trust them, but that stuff.

And

I

don't really have good reason other than habit. Because it's one of those things where like, God placed me there.

He put me with these people.

And that means I need to learn that there are things that I need to do, and I need to learn. I need to get better at and I know that one of the things I need to get better at is actually dealing and interacting with people. And so I'm now with folks who certainly expect my ability to do stuff. But I need to make a much better show approach of interacting and understanding what a conversation is and how to elevate that and how to move in that

and that can take a lot

so

that's the thing I need to do. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. I feel a bit scared. And I feel a bit annoyed right now I'm mostly not processing what happened with my roommate over the weekend. On I think Saturday afternoon, I think

or maybe

Friday evening No, it was not Friday. Maybe it was Thursday.

Now maybe it was Saturday, it probably was Saturday afternoon. I know because it was daylight and we were sitting on the low couch

just feels so like such a much longer time than that. She's turning 35 this year. She does not expect to marry me until she's 40.

And also,

she does not want her first sexual time to be with me. I haven't been with a woman before. But that's like just such a big hurdle. She just wants to do it with someone she has no attachment to and then get it over with.

Because like that whole thing of being naked with someone is such such a massive step

that she does. She She literally said, I know you too. Well. I don't want to do that with you. And I'm like, Okay.

I won't lie and pretend like she does eventually want to do that. She just doesn't want me to be her first time. And all I can all I could think for a while. I mean, I I forgive her. I forgive her. I forgive her. That hurt that fucking hurt. She's like, yes, I want to marry you. I just don't want my first sexual experience to you.

That hurts. A lot.

And I like to think is the old and I told her this the only reason I wandered around with a bunch of prostitutes. Trying to explore my sexuality is because I was in a relationship with someone who was profoundly uninterested in unenthusiastic with exploring that was me because I wanted to do that in a relationship. But I was in a relationship that just hurt. And he was he didn't want that. He was uninterested in me. But he kept like stoking those fires. So I had to go somewhere else. I don't think she understands. And that's okay. Because that's not a thing I want to do that's not really a thing that should be done to somebody

ever does

that hurt a lot on reflecting on it that night, I just remember thinking that I I paid for the privilege of being elevated to feel like beat

like to be sexual with someone to feel like beat. And I paid for the privilege of feeling like because I felt less than that

that when you pay money for that, like I don't think I've outside of like college and my ex boyfriend I don't think I've had a sexual experience that didn't involve money

that's really sad.

Like it didn't either involve alcohol other than my ex boyfriend. None of my sexual experiences have all of my sexual experiences had have either had alcohol as a factor or

money. That's not completely true. But the

post college all of them have had money. Or the This isn't like the 95% range here. There's like 5% or vast majority of only money and that has a really big impact on how you perceive your own value. And because it means I mean, I think maybe the one or two after all the escorts were that wasn't true.

With Grant

I like that hurt more because it felt like it was storming that I was only useful because of buying physical skills, that the person that I was underneath was actually a value

that was a lie.

And I know that she's not saying anything about my value. I know she isn't saying anything about my desirability.

Intellectually, I know that emotionally I'm catching up. I have a therapy session later today with a new therapist, which will be a video chat. And I was hoping to like mostly I just need to process how I feel about Ashley.

So

I also don't want to hold any grudges on I need to forgive. It's literally one of the things which Christians are which are is unique to Christianity, that Christians are commanded to forgive. We are specifically told, basically commanded, things will be judged against you the way you judge others like what you hold against someone else that will be held against you. We are commanded to forgive, not just let it go. But forgiveness is active. It is an active choice.

That's hard.

And I do forget

She's still an idol

marriage

and sex are still

food is too.

Food especially for a temptation lately has been difficult. And

it's been a struggle for the first time in months, months and months and months. I actually got fast food from McDonald's. I was like hoping it was not what I was hoping for. I wanted to practice didn't get there in time for that. But it was just so unsatisfying. In a way that even something from the day center which is a bit more homemade, even if it's something from someplace like Olive Garden even that food is better, more nourishing, more satisfying

than McDonald's.

I know that I want to follow what mealtime I was doing before because I know it will work.

And I

I follow this plan and it does work. It's very gentle. I'd like to be a bit more strict with mine for a time to get my body where I want it because I know I can do that

and it'll take a bit of leeway. And it'll take some time but I can do that

I need to do a bit of math. And most of the premium stuff that I have for veggies and such is basically gone. Which is partially what I've been waiting for. Also the fact that we currently have no dishwasher and almost all the dishes are dirty and I've had to scrub everything before I cook it before it cook with it has been driving me utterly batty. Thank you God that tomorrow. Ashley and I can go get we will go and purchase a new dishwasher and a clothes washer and dryer. And then maybe also a couch

the futon. Not from Walmart.

For the record, she's the one that said Not Walmart

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal March 4, 2023

So I just had an interesting conversation. I talked with my roommate little bit more about my sexual history, and a bit more bluntly about her plans and desires.

She doesn't expect to marry me until she's 40. She wants to have her first time with someone else. – She doesn't want to have an emotional connection with the first person she has sex with. – I feel like I should feel more hurt by that. I only went exploring to other people because I was with a partner who was so un-interested in exploring with me. I was with a partner who was so uninterested in giving me what I wanted, when I was unable to give them what they wanted it all, because I was so new to it. As a part of me that feels so angry. I just want to hit something, and act out and rage – and I don't even understand it. I'm not angry at her. Mostly she wants to be in better physical condition – also take better care of herself. Be in more consistently better health. Taking care of yourself physically is a skill. One that our society really doesn't teach, and it something that does take practice.

I paid for the privilege of feeling like meat. Because then at least some part of me was wanted. I think deep down I feel hurt, and rejected – or at least I feel like I should feel like I'm rejected. – It all feels very muddy. And modeled, and soupy. On some level, I feel like perhaps I need to be in better physical condition to give her what she needs. And maybe she feels like she needs to, or wants to be in better physical condition to give me what I need. I don't know. She said she feels so nervous, and it's so difficult – to be naked with another person is a really big hurdle. And she wants to deal with that with someone that she has no emotional attachment to.

It's true, as a man I did not receive the same kind of pressure regarding my virginity. But I did get taught that it was something special that should not be thrown away. And that emotional attachment and the mutuality of desire, is incredibly significant.

The first time I got something asked I wasn't looking for it. I was a drug addict looking for a fix, and the person who I was getting that fixed from – I made them so excited that they gave it to me anyway, without upping the price. That wasn't what I was looking for. After that I started looking for it a lot more. And a lot of my self-worth, and how I saw myself, and a lot of my value to other people got tied up in it. And I feel very torn –

I feel very torn that she would rather have that experience entirely absent of emotional experience, when that only happens to me because I was with a partner who refused to give me any emotional connection and that. When the emotional connection was what I was looking for – I was so desperate for approval, or anyone showing interest that I literally tried to give it to the first person to show any.

Now, there is the thought in the back of my mind that I need to outshine whoever she picks for when she does choose – when she does decide to choose me.

We did cuddle a bit today, that was nice. Will be doing that more as I give her massages to help treat her body.

I was in, a supposedly, I want to say committed relationship except it wasn't. I was in a relationship that was supposed to have emotional intimacy. I felt so desperate to move in that community, that I wanted to throw my sexual – experience, everything – with the first person who showed even the slightest hint of interest.

I was in a relationship with someone who was so uninterested, so unenthusiastic – I threw everything I had it is feet – and he didn't want it. I threw everything, and he didn't want any of it, accept the way I made his body feel because he didn't want to have anything to do with my body or giving anything to me to my body. Despite everything I valued the emotional connection of what was supposed to be there, for sex and touch and play. And I tried to bring that, and insist on that, but we never had that and he never developed it. And the dissonance of having someone want my body but not want me with the pressure of giving touch every day and not receiving any with the line of work I was in – it made me desperate. It made me want to go anywhere, with anyone who would give me some semblance of what I hoped it could be. So I paid for the privilege of feeling like meat.

I paid money to's to emotionally field privilege of being elevated to feel like pounding meat. Because that's why I hated one night stands, I felt, in college the very few one night stands I had had made me feel like I was only meat, it made me feel like sex was only pounding meat. And here I was paying money for the privilege to be elevated to feel like meat. Because that's what my butt boyfriend made me feel like. He made me feel like less than meat as though my ability to give pleasure with my body was the only value I had, because I felt like that was the only thing he ever came by for – because that's the only connection we had. And even then he was on he grew uninterested.

She said it's because of how she feels about her own body. I can understand that. I wish I didn't but I do. I want to feel angrier than I do at this moment. I don't know if I feel numb, or disappointed, or upset, I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I think I also feel sad. – And a bit lonely at this moment. I feel like I should feel unwanted, but I don't. – I hear her saying “I'm not ready yet" and "it's not time yet". I know I'm certainly not yet ready. I want to be. I think she's thinking another five or six years. In order to get to where she is comfortable with that.

That will give me a lot of time to prepare, get in good, and prime condition. I was thinking before that slow and steady has always been the way for me. As much as I want things to be fast, and quick. Slow and steady and methodical has always been the only way that works for me. Any shortcut always backfires. Spectacularly.

***

It only now, hours later, occurs to me: I think she confirmed that she wants, or expects to be married to me by the time she is 40.

That conversation hurt very deeply. But I forgive her. I will continue to work on doing that. I know I invited God into this emotional mess, this part of my heart. I know that he wants me, that he pursues me.

This I think I understand a small portion of Christ's eagerness for his bride. Having some sense that the wedding feast is coming, and yet not knowing when.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal March 1, 2023

I spoke to Delta outside of the church today. She is one of the clients at the day center. She found out last week her best friend overdosed with the needle drug. I think she asked what I thought about someone asking – or thinking that she needed to go to detox. I asked her what she felt about it. She told me a bit more about her situation, she has some complicated feelings. Him both regarding her situation, and that I think she thinks life is no mostly very mean to her. She drinks alcohol, a lot. But she's told me "I'm not ready to stop drinking."

I give her a lot of credit for that. She's able to identify that maybe she needs to stop, but she isn't ready to do that. Apparently she's been in, and out of detox several times. I don't think she had – feels that she has another way to process, or express, her sadness and emotions beyond alcohol. – Oh, this is why a poetry thing is needed. With the poetry workshop, I can give better tools. That's not to say that they will all use them, or even go regularly. But talking – giving tools for writing poetry, it's another way to express, process, understand and experience our emotions. And the life that we have lived.

My collaboration partner, I don't think he really realizes how gifted he is that artistic expression. He is so artistically driven it is remarkable to me. He doesn't realize how gifted he is.

I hate disobeying. – I feel like my sin puts blinders and earmuffs in my ears. I hate it, and yet it is a comfort. We grow comfortable in our chains. No matter that they restrict, and bind us. No matter that they will lead to our death they are comfortable. They are a curse – I strive for their removal, and want to move in the path that will do so.

There was a training at the church today. I think I'm going to be handling a lot of clothes, or at least the clothing closet.

***

Where did I get the notion that I not sexualize people I know? Something tells me – I have this sense that sexualizing people that I'm not in a relationship with is wrong. And that sexualizing people that I personally know would warp my opinion, or my sense of them. I don't know where that came from.

***

I am now, sitting in the car while my roommate wanders store. I feel conflicted about our difference in schedule. As I've gotten older, I have realized that I like getting up early. I have learned, about myself as I gotten older, I like getting up in the morning. I like getting up with the sun. I think I seem to share that with my mother. At this moment I feel really cranky, because I know I'm not can get to bed on time. And I partially feel upset that I don't get to spend as much time with my roommate as I want to. And I don't know if I'm upset at her, at me, or at the fact that there is a difference and a mismatch there.

***

I sought sex from more than a dozen men. I paid money for most of it. And the one man who actually sought me out that I did not pay money for, sought me out be because of what I could do for him. And that one hurt more than – more than any of the others. Because confirmed the lies. All the others left me cold, but him seeking me when I was not interested, – it hurt more than any of the others. It felt like it confirmed I was only good for the pleasure that I could give. When he wasn't actually interested in me. I don't think he hardly ever really asked about what I liked, or my pleasures, on my pains.

It only occurred to me tonight, while speaking with my roommate, maybe all of those things – all of those times, – really confirmed that I never really liked men the way I thought I did. The way I told myself I will should; the way I thought I was supposed to.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal February 28 2023

The Journal, January 28 2023. I've always wanted to build something that lasts something to build something like that has always had immense appeal to me. It's always build some to do a thing that endures things that are fleeting never really appealed to me. I am reminded of something which I wrote down, which actually I got from a tick tock video. Do not sacrifice your calling for one second of pleasure because that one second is over and gone, and then we'll never come again. Now I'm also extrapolating. But something that endures. The slow and steady path has always been the one that lasts for me. As much as I want things to be quick and easy. They never have been

it has always been a slow and steady progress. slowly building piece by piece. I don't always understand what pieces are being built

and frankly

I felt like I was doing a lot of

clotting lately, but I'm realizing I was running

I've been flying for months

I've been doing that for months. And more things are adding on and I know I can do it. I know with God I can do this. It's within my abilities

if I rely on myself, I buckled like cheap cloth. But with God allowing myself to be filled by the Holy Spirit every day. I can do this as doable I don't have to have everything set at the beginning and like a good dominant. He pushes me to where I'm uncomfortable. He makes me grow into the best version of myself. He is the best dominant

and I admit I don't always like what's being done. But I appreciate that walking the way he wants me to walking in his ways. makes me stronger, better. More both more skilled and more compassionate.

And trying to find a balance is.

Don't know how much of that is? Me or My choice? I don't know how much of that is. Well consent matters. And the deeper I dig the more I get that's certainly something from the standard from a reflection of, of God's teachings that the more deeply you dig, the richer it is.

And when you only barely dig at all it seems very shallow. And other things that you dig into more feel revealed deeper because you've dug into them more. But the deeper and you dig the shallower they seem, but with God's ways they are rich with a depth that and intertextuality and continuity that just drives everything else out of the water that's just no human mind. could conceive of it

I want to walk with him I want to follow him

and I need to go to bed now.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal February 27, 2023

Maybe my life could stand to be a bit more boring when I said some of the really exciting things that were happening for me. Things I was really excited about, is like maybe your life could send me a little more boring. And the things I'm still really excited about, and passionate about. And based on everything I know – also something which I felt the spirit put on my heart – I don't think he wants me to be living the way I am. I felt it get put on my heart, that that they are getting removed from my life. And, while that hurts, I think, that God does these things for good reason. And I think that God's protection is proactive not reactive. And I'm doing a lot more kingdom work. I felt up again. I found something that had been shared with me, some site had said it so that a series of posters could be shared on Google Drive. I found those today. I worked to remove them, but only after I got caught in it. I felt like I was watching a popper video. With the intensity and variety and text. I think I removed it all.

I talked with my roommate about how to decorate the dance base. She has some ideas, including a stream that she could use to follow along things. I finally got her brain thinking on may be women in medieval dresses with archery, or Chinese aerial dancers. Something with at least a few more women. It definitely took some prodding to get there, but I finally got her brain working.

I currently feel so wound up, and energized. I asked Ross to be the gatekeeper for my porn protection program. Allen, passed a message through Ross that he misses talking. I think he misses my company, we did sort of talk. I did a lot of listening mostly. We did things together. And I don't even know if in our last exchange, if I'm going to reached out last or he is. I just checked, apparently it was him. Which technically means it is my turn. I don't know, how I feel about that. I'm still not over when he moved into his new place and he made a comment

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal February 26, 2023

So I took down all the walls – all of the photos from my danced studio, my dance space. I wasn't really able to do anything else after that today, I meant to do a lot more mental and social work than that. I listened to a few podcasts, but beyond that I didn't do anything else of note be on some work on the house for the rest of the day. I put a lot of work into those arrangements, where those photos would go what they would be when I first put them up.

It has better flooring now, a bit of cushion and the nice rug. It's going to be a more shared space, still from movement but it isn't just my focus. I want my roommate to use it to. Somehow the process of taking down the pictures, stripping the tape from behind each one, – it somehow felt more difficult to do than I expected. I put a lot of time and investment into that. I knew it wasn't forever. I think I feel hurt, maybe touch betrayed by myself. That is I feel like I betrayed myself by so willingly just taking it all down. Spiritually it felt like "a Temple of flesh". And I knew I needed to come down anyway. I'm glad it is down. There are still some photos that need to come down though. There are two photos which I prefer to keep up. One is a cross which I drew and it's a rainbow. The other is the "no negative body issues, negative self talk, or excuses allowed". I like

especially. I think the only photos that are still up are on the foot of the mirrors and near the floor on the wall. I don't know what photos I want to put up. That's going to take some very serious consideration. I think on some level that scares me. Along with all the other things I need to be thinking about.

+++

I did not fall off the bandwagon today. But I was tempted. I was thinking about why did I do it? What set it off.? What was I trying to get met, what need was I trying to get satisfied? Because I also looked up another group, where next week I would be able to go and get mutual touch some of whom from people who would like to see me again, and who I saw a good number of times before I quit that. Very low price for massage and mutual touch. And that spiral stemmed from an earlier spiral a few days ago. I'm I was trying to understand why. I wanted to feel desired

The topic kind of came up that oh will be nice forever, and I said not really. When you replacing the desire with something that is healthy the desire for the unhealthy thing doesn't really stick around, because once you actually have a desire for the healthy thing, the unhealthy thing isn't appealing anymore. It just doesn't have the same interest.

For me it's trying to gauge how much I really want to go to over whom that's two hours away, to touch other men, and be touched by those men and, and learn how to give sensual and sexual touch to male genitalia; I know one of the assistance will very much be happy to see me and to 1° or another will probably want to try and give me going for multiple player orgasms even if there's no sticky bits involved. The main instructor will have heard of me though I have not met him before. And I do not identify as gay, pan-, or by, for any of it. There is one woman who has my heart. And it's still a desire for her body that really gets me going – mostly. And there's a lot less leeway there than one might expect. The last time

Him the last time I had any major contacts, or even group contact with people who were interested in giving affection, it was a similar group of people. Who I did not know well, work in it purely for the carnality, and liked if they liked me, it was more about what I could do for them, and what I looked like – not about who I was as a person not about my own mental health or whether or not either of us could make the other laugh if need be. It's not just about being wanted by anyone, but by the right one. Someone who wants you just as much as you want them. Anything else is cheap and tawdry and ephemeral. It wishes it could be more things in this said. My throat voice crack the degree of how much I miss that sensation. I don't think I've ever really had that much in my life. Maybe sort out with my first girlfriend Sarah that is when there I don't think so. When

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal February 25, 2023

I want to say that there is a strong desire to view porn. But, in truth it isn't very strong. It isn't overwhelming. I think something about going back to bed after waking up from my alarm this morning – I also did that before and I think that also was a day that I relapsed. I think I understand, now, what my normal is supposed to be. That is, I think I have a not an idea of what my brain is supposed to be like when is not constantly dealing with lustful thoughts, or focusing on porn. I am creative. I am passionate, and driven, and ambitious. I am diligent, disciplined, passionate in my pursuits. Porn drains all that.

Something about revisiting old fantasies, maybe it's really awakening old synapses in my brain. But there's something about reliving, and describing what happened in my own sexual experiences that definitely makes me horny. It makes me aroused and one of my brains primary modes of processing that is masturbation, and porn. Wiring it to only be pleasured by myself and not be excited by another person who is touching me and who I am touching.

My first exposure was so young. Three or four with my dad's porn magazines. But I didn't actually start doing anything until may be 11, or 12 I think younger than 12. I know I also formed his, my dad's porn stash when I was maybe seven or eight. And I knew what it was.

***

I hate messing up.

***

I did that several times today. The password keeper is going to be a new person, since I found a loophole for now into embarrassed to tell my current one how to update it. And she is entirely too understanding and compassionate in this specific regard. Or maybe emotion a little bit too harsh and myself, which is possible.

***

I realize, I have never felt wanted. Or at least, a large root of some of my more recent acting out, is me wanting to feel wanted. I want to feel like I'm desired.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal February 23, 2023

I funked up again. Fell off the wagon,. But, like always now, I am learning from each one. I believed the lie that I cannot break free. But with God all things are possible. My body can change.

I thought I was close to done with my timeline. I have done every physical experience that I had with another person. Not in full detail, but enough that it's noted. The later escorts are not yet fully detailed, but a lot of other experiences are. However, that has dislodged other, many times repeated, fantasies, and stories that my mind replayed that I read. And I'm realizing that I need to actually document and include those.

Those are no longer sexually exciting, not for my body. My body has a very specific about ideas about who it would like to be physically intimate with, my emotions are completely on board with this, my mind is also quite onboard. My roommate, is awesome. I fell off the bandwagon regarding jerking, and self-stimulation to release, but mostly looking at, those were flexing groin muscles. But that's not always in my brain. The photos of flexing had more to do with proof that that was possible. Partially she remind myself that such a thing is true. However, I don't think I want to train for that now.

Possibly training for that is what instigated this I'm not sure. Though training for that is certainly not living in sexual purity. Ensuring that all of my muscles are healthy, and strong is sexually pure. Doing some specific muscular training that only benefits during sex is not sexually pure. So certain exercises I do not need to do. They do work however, and I will keep them for later time if that happens, which I have faith that it will.

I want to say I do not care about sex. But that would be a lie. And right now I'm not even certain that I it's entirely that I want to give her pleasure. It's more that I want to be appreciated. Right now, I do not want to give her pleasure for its own sake, though I keep telling myself that that is the case. More, I want to give that to her so that she has incentive to try and give that back to me. So it's ultimately really selfish. That makes me feel really shitty. I really don't like falling off, and losing a battle.

The whole time leading up to it I just kept thinking "what in my doing?" What am I doing? Why am I doing this? I – I almost entirely did not ask God for help, I did talk to him, I did ask for help when I went to the grocery store to get junkfood. Which I made better decisions than I could have, I initially intended to go through McDonald's, but I shifted that to get some baked goods from the store. Which was better, but not great.

***

One thing I need to do, switch my password keeper from my roommate to someone I met and the last group I was in the kingdom fitness. Also, I need to contact some of the men from my church. I had a very interesting conversation both with my roommate, and the pastor, and chaplain. Regarding how infrequently men are in church, any church. 

[ekoilemartinwrite]

journal February 20, 2023 part two

I am realizing how much of my the sexual part of my encounters with my ex-boyfriend I had forgotten, or chose to forget. He started a lot of things. Those physically and emotionally

I saw – talked to through text my new therapist. We will see how this goes.

When you invite God into a situation, we invite God to continue wings – (sigh) it is both shocking, and relieving/soothing.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal February 20 2023

Journal February 20 2023

I am irrationally upset at my roommate at the lady at the lady I live with

that's a good short term chart chart and anyway I am irrationally upset at her

mostly due to me, mostly because of my own problems and that she is not precisely what I imagined her to be. I am irrationally upset at her because it's easier than being upset with myself for my own mistakes and things that I've done to hurt myself

it's amazing when I'm in the midst of pain. And I thought I had shared that name with God before, but I had never explicitly invited him in. And maybe sometimes we need to do that. I need to do that.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal February 19, 2023

On February 19 2023 I just wrote a thing that feels like it came from more than me but nevermind that

I just realized that

that was one of the things that I believe about sex and marriage, marriage and sex. I would come to start seeing sex as my new as something I'm owed. And that's wrong. I know that's wrong that is profoundly wrong.

I'm not owed anything

Scripture does say not to die one another, except by mutual consent for prayer maybe. Because that's all because even then it's a maybe do it for this reason. But don't deny each other

but that also doesn't mean I've owed anything

and I still keep running to the image of Ashley are looking to her first I keep looking to her first to my mind and being so upset that she isn't able to support me the way I want. That she isn't able to be there the way I want. And I don't know why I keep running like that.

No human being can ever be that

put God's work first, and do what he wants. seek God's kingdom first.

That means more than what I want above what I want above what I think I need. Seek Jesus seek the kingdom seek what he wants me to do. Do what he wants me to do.

I keep saying that. Intellectually, I know that emotionally I don't yet.

I'm still seeking comfort. In shadows and games and

I'm still working on my timeline. of sexual experiences. Probably for way too long. Then what it's supposed to be but I am working very hard and make it as complete as I can. And being very diligent about it. The harder you work on it, the harder it works on you. And that's very true. I could have progressed days ago, but there are things I wouldn't have learned otherwise about myself by continuing to work on it and make it actually complete.

When I first started jerking off I never imagined myself doing anything with anyone. That always felt too dangerous

especially doing something with someone I knew that especially was dangerous. I did sometimes imagine things with celebrities or people I didn't know when people I couldn't know

but then it felt safer to just replay scenes I had seen or that I had read about and imagine

it's interesting that it felt quote unquote, safer.

I knew that there was a danger of warping how I saw a person if I did that excessively

I knew I didn't do it with women, not because I didn't want to be with a woman but I think because of what my father explained and how

how you treat a woman in relationship and I couldn't objectify her quite that way

I knew I needed to not do that

so instead I turned to men because that Mike could do that with was easier. It was safer.

I remember when I was 12 or 13

My parents was talking to me like pulling me aside. He was my mother who was like you were treating women very almost to gently to delicately as though they'll break you can be a bit rougher. That's that's okay. Women sometimes like that. She said that I treated them too much like they were on a pedestal I treated them too much like a like a flower

I remember it was soon after that. Or maybe just before that I remember in a fanfic I was reading about the Gita and Goku Dragon Ball Z fanfic that there was a line that with women you had to be very gentle and soft and delicate but with a man you didn't have to be that you can be as rough as you wanted. And that always stuck with me

and I think that ever that after my parents said that or maybe it stood out to me a lot more after they said it

because I didn't really understand what they were talking about. But if it's the well you can treat them as as delicately and you should treat a bit more delicately and a bit more gently. That was a man you don't have to do that at all. I don't have to worry about that at all. And so if my parents are like, well, you're treating women too delicately, and I didn't really want to change that. Well here's this thing with men

you can be quite rough and rough and tumble rough and rowdy and bit rougher than you can with Matt than you can with women.

That certainly led me down a gay path

especially with all the jerking off to male images and and where I didn't feel like I could objectify women in that way. Not that I didn't want to but I knew deep down that I couldn't and I think it has more to do with what my how my father explained it and I need to unbury that I think

because that's very tangled

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal February 18, 2023

I just realized the mistake I made earlier.

So a tool that I should have used, that I learned in the unchained leader program was what thought or experience my having right now? Last night I was having a weird experience of food cravings, as well as earlier in the day trying to get onto a site in order to find photos of an old excretory used to see.

What action does the stop make you want to take? It made me think that or it may be look up his escort on a device that I have forgotten about.

What lie am I believing that led me to this? I'm believing the lies that this person, Bruce, is the only one who's going to give me that kind of physical pleasure. The only one who made me feel appreciated, or wanted. That's a lie.

What action will you take? I will take the action of running away from it. Out of hiding – no, I will uproot this.

Last night I got caught in a bit of the loop after some work. I found an old device that I had forgot about. I got it charged, and started looking up prostitutes. Thankfully, before anything happened, and because it's so old and slow, my roommate came in and startled me. I know what I need to do – that is give it to her to get out of the house. I just haven't done it yet.

I was believing the lie that only he would be able to do that. That only will make me feel that way.

What's amazing to me, so much of who we are is what we do. But sometimes, why we do thing in the moment, doesn't change the fact that we did it. A lot of how we construct, and understand ourselves, is by looking at what we have done. In the things that you tell yourself about what you did, and maybe why you did them. But sometimes we don't remember. I'm just thinking that resisting the temptation creates such a more resilient character than someone who keeps stumbling and falling. (Sigh) having a single intentional farewell to something, that makes it seem like it's a thing worth something, and that something is being lost. However, thinking before throwing it away, or maybe thinking something before intentionally getting it out of life. It was surprisingly helpful a bit of Tupperware before throwing it out.

It's the saying goodbye. It's why writing a goodbye letter, writing a breakup letter is so helpful, and can bring a lot of closure. It ensures there is an and. All the final things that could, or should, or that you feel need to be said, can be there in expressed. I don't think I ever wrote porn a goodbye letter

That's untrue, I did. I just don't immediately know where it is. Also, during a deep dive on my experiences, reawakens old needs. Or, maybe sheds light on wounds that have not really been healed. But have maybe only being numbed.

***

I now realize what was tripping me up. While working on my timeline for my sexual experiences. It would make me horny. And, for a while there, I not only did not recognize that, I got overwhelmed by it. It's been filled with so much energy, and of a sort that only wants to do very specific things. My body is so used to, when it feels that, only behaving in certain ways. And while working on this timeline, I am reexperiencing things, but also reframing the way my body feels. I'm not even sure if this is arousal, desire, because this energy is neither of those. While, no it is desire. So much a desire to touch and to be touched, and I don't really have someone to focus that with.

Well, that's untrue.

***

I had a lot of eroticisation of being the unwilling recipient. I have read, and fantasized, a lot, a lot about being the unwilling recipient. During sex.

The first time that actually crashed into reality, was when I tried to date Fox. My ex-boyfriend was a disaster. I knew, in my bones, that being the f*cker, you wanted to give pleasure. I knew it felt good to be on the receiving end of being f*cked. All of the porn I've been consuming for years, didn't really talk about, or in any way address, not really, not even fanfic, the emotions of engaging in sex when one or both parties are am interested.

Almost everyone seems to assume that when you engage in sex you have some interest in the other person. Even if that interest is only to receive pleasure from them, that is still an interest in them. That is perhaps, perhaps, the most selfish and most repellent kind of interest to receive during sex. Or possibly ever. Before

The first time I saw Grant, this older gentleman, with some sensual snuggles. The first time I saw him it did turn sexual. There was no fluids exchanged, but it did turn into energy orgasms. Whenever the person he was with had an orgasm, he empathically went along for the ride, and also had one. I do not believe he'd ever been with anyone, who can do what I do. I can ride that wave, I can make it into a massive tsunami, and I can make it in multiple waves that just keep going and going and going and going, and going, and going, and going, until someone chooses to end it. He did first every time, though I was always the first one to choose to leave. Over the multiple times I saw him. I actually felt, that he wanted to give me pleasure. I had never been with anyone who wanted that before.

With everyone else, I told them that I feed off of their pleasure. Which is true. I get pleasure from their pleasure. No one else ever actually tried to, despite that, find out what made me feel good. During my first time with him, I started crying, and I didn't know why. I think, I felt that he wanted to make me feel good. And that was very new. – And I think it hurt, a lot, that that was new, when almost nothing else was.

Trying to reconcile the fantasies of being unwilling, and resistant, but actually really wanting to give and receive pleasure – I think those are very mutually exclusive. Enjoying the throes of pleasure, but not actually wanting to be there, is still r*pe. It is not okay. Fantasizing that, and erotisizing it, – – they don't fit together.

The vision I was given to my childhood, the one of romance, of eager, playful, fun, anticipatory, willing that was something special. It was something I didn't allow myself the touch mostly. I knew, growing up, that it was dangerous to imagine or fantasize people I actually knew. It felt much safer to only do that with people on the screen. Of which I was not one. I have a very difficult time imagining myself – I used to have a very difficult time imagining myself doing sexual things. It always felt abstract. In some ways it still does. – I can imagine myself from the outside, doing things sexually, with people I know. It still feels incredibly dangerous to do it from the inside. I don't want to put expectations on something. That gives it more baggage than it already has.