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I just got killed by the same fucking wolf three times on Solstheim and it is starting to make me very salty

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Colette won’t stop casting stoneflesh in the Hall of Countenance. It’s been three days and no one can sleep, please send help

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Marcy teleported onto my roof in sanctuary and won’t get down. It’s been two in game days and am considering breaking out the missile launcher. Thoughts?

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Mila Valentina won’t stop playing the flute and I’m trying to talk to her mom. It’s really annoying and just won’t stop

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While fighting some Enclave soldiers near Olney, Charon blasted one with his gun. This soldier proceeded to fly hundreds of feet into the air and land some distance away. Having found this violation of the laws of physics unacceptable, Charon proceeded to chase the corpse to where it landed and shot it repeatedly, ignoring me screaming for help while I was swamped by two dickpukes with plasma rifles.

After the dust settled and narrowly escaping death, I found Charon still wasn’t following me, so I followed the echoing sounds of shotgun blasts to find him going to town on this body. All of the limbs and the head were just vaporized (remember, this poor soul was equipped in Enclave issued power armor) and Charon was still shooting.

It had been a while since I had last saved and was feeling adventurous so I picked up the body and dragged it along as bait. Charon followed like a good boy, shooting the dangling body the whole way to Olney. He proceeded to get clapped by a Deathclaw five minutes later and I had to reload anyway.

TLDR: I’m not surprised Charon as an Intelligence of 3

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Never thought I’d find myself screaming at a redheaded ghoul so much for dying to an Enclave deathclaw but here we are

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To get all two of my followers in the Halloween spirit, allow me to announce that if I had a nickel for every time a ghoul made me scream out loud by startling me, I would not have to worry about student loans.

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From-Deepest-Fathoms just started rambling in an echoing voice on the Riften docks and got instantly creepier

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The House of Horrors quest made ten year old me so afraid I turned my console off and cried because I was a dumbass and couldn’t figure out how to leave the house and I was too scared to go down into the basement because Molag Bal is scawy

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Do y’all wanna hear about my first Elder Scrolls experience? Of course you do!

It was my tenth birthday when I first saw it in GameStop. I wasn't hugely into video games at that point and I was super shy and afraid to ask for another game, so I initially told my mother that Minecraft was enough when she pulled a used copy of Skyrim off the shelf. I had never heard of the Elder Scrolls before, but she had, and said it had dragons in it and stuff. I, being a big fantasy nerd, was immediately sold, so we got Skyrim and Minecraft, and went home.

Given school had just let out (in my part of the USA schools let out much earlier in the year due to a start before Labor Day), I had unadulterated time in my room to play video games and shit, so after, like, a half an hour or so of playing around on Minecraft, I popped Skyrim into the disc tray and started it up.

Mind you, I hadn't really been exposed to actual video game violence, (I mean, come on, the worst I had seen were animals in Minecraft dying in a puff of white smoke) so the execution scene in Helgen was a bit of a shock. Of course, my culture shock was quickly blown away by Alduin's appearance in Helgen's courtyard. I went through with the whole prologue and all, picked a male Khajiit and named him Mister Jingles, and then travelled with Hadvar down to the path to Riverwood. Except I didn't go to Riverwood, I immediately crossed the river to climb up to Bleak Falls Barrow (which I didn't know at the time was a main quest location, nor did I know there was a fucking bridge-)

Yeah, so, after I cleaved my way through the bandits, I had the living shit scared out of me by the Draugr, and thusly, I hauled my Khajiit ass out of the tomb with the Golden Claw before I finished the dungeon, which later pissed me off because I couldn't sell the Claw, nor did I know who the owner was at the time, so I was stuck carrying it.

With how terrified of everything that I was, I went running back to Riverwood to actually go along with the main quest because DAMMIT I WANTED TO SEE A DRAGON.

Thing was, it was nighttime. Alvor's house was locked up. And I was a Khajiit named Mister Jingles, who just so happened to have lockpicks. Put two and two together and you'll know why I high-tailed it out of Riverwood just after I got the next quest objective.

Now, when I entered Whiterun for the first time, my mind. Was. Blown.

Mind you, the graphics of the game were much newer then, given it was only 2013, Skyrim looked so friggin lifelike to me, all I could was just wander around the city in absolute awe of my surroundings. Again, I almost completely forgot about the main quest, partially due to the fact that I somehow got lost in the town (I was a dumb kid, alright)

I headed up to Dragonsreach after I finally got ahold of my surroundings, and I just about fucking passed out when Farengar told me I had to go back to Bleak Falls Barrow. Regardless, I put my Big-Kitty Pants on and went marching right back out to the crypt. And then I got stuck in that one dead-end room with the pull-chain, and I just plain left and went somewhere else.

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I downloaded a mod (following my purchasing of an Xbox One) that allowed me to save Miraak's ass from Apocrypha and have the old boy as a follower. It was great, as his health is immense and he is leagues ahead of my other followers in terms of prowess, but it didn't take me long to realize his AI wasn't the best. There have been three separate incidents over the course of two months that he has massacred an entire town's guards because one got in the crossfire of his Thu'um. It was really funny the first time (in Riften) but it started getting annoying by the time of his most recent incident (in Solitude).

TL;DR: Can’t take Miraak anywhere

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I recall delving into the Dark Brotherhood for the first time and getting confused in Volunruud when I tried to find Amaund Motierre. I accidentally went into the crypt and ended up butchering, like, twenty Draugr just outside his chamber because they all chased after me when I got scared. (The reason why I didn’t want to play through the main quest was because the draugr in Bleak Falls Barrow scared me lol)

Yeah. That was scarring.

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Me when I’m trying to wooden plate glitch through a locked door and it won’t work

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One time, when I was fighting the Caller in Fellglow Keep, my character cut her head off right as the Caller teleported, so she spent the next five minutes running around like a chicken with its head cut off

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I have a touring carriages mod and a butterfly in the road just made the fucking cart flip over.

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My first ever Dragonborn, Mister Jingles, no longer exists because my asshole friend at the time wanted to play Skyrim and she somehow saved over all the saves I had for him and I wanted to fuckin kill her and then myself.

(We’re no longer friends btw, for unrelated reasons. My current Dragonborns are now safe from idiotic twelve year olds)

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I first romanced Danse (without realizing I could actually romance characters in 4 because I was used to Skyrim’s system) in Diamond City. In the Science! Center. With Doctor Duff mumbling in the background about losing an eyebrow to mixing a base and an acid together.

All because Danse apparently fell in love with me because I correctly answered that gamma radiation is associated with the atom bomb.

I am confusion. Bethesda explain, what do you mean final affinity convo at inconvenient times- I felt bad telling him to wait so I just let him brain barf his feelings into my SoSu’s lap and then I puked the gay onto him and Bethesda’s writing made him okay with this I guess.

Speaking of which, I hate that it’s just like-

Danse: My life has been a lie, the only family I ever had thinks I’m dead and are happy about it, all my accomplishments mean nothing, you’re my only friend.

SoSo: Yeah, that’s great, and all, but wanna fuck?

Danse, thanks to Bethesda’s shitty writing: Yeah sure, my PTSD, depression, and identity crisis have just melted away because you threw a cheesy pickup line my way.