|| i want to share an excerpt from my diary for everyone who feels lost, hopeless, and doubting their reason for living ||
September 6, 2019 | 2:46am | Friday
Uhm, hello. I canāt sleep. I feel disturbed. I was alone in my room and it was too dark and the silence is deafening. This surrounding causes the unnecessary thoughts and noises in my head that are being too loud. Honestly, Iām so sick of it already, my head is the loudest when itās quiet where Iām around.
Tonight it feels like I can literally hear the words. I always dismiss the thought that Iām actually hearing it, because I know Iām not and that itās just what I say in my head. This time, the usual thought of my worthlessness is the highlight. I feel worthless. Iāve always felt worthless. I am worthless. Iāve been forced to take a leave from university, I have no work, Iām always unmotivated to even be creative. I canāt bring myself to make art like I used to. Iāve literally just been at home for more than a year now, barely hanging out with friends because theyāre busy. Everyone in my family are busy people as well, school and work. We live in the same home and I can barely interact with them either and believe me Iāve tried so many times to even just watch a movie with either of my sisters, and I can tell they find me annoying now. When the thought of worthlessness sinks into me, I doubt the sense of my existence. It simply makes no sense then. Itās these moments, when I think about how little and pathetic I am,Ā that I literally forget the reason why I even live. I always catch myself questioning why do I even continue living and I seriously canāt remember. Am I just waiting for time to pass by until natural death gets me?
Why do I live again? Oh yes, I live for my dreams. It may sound like some kind of a Disney princessā kind of goal in life but itās not to marry a prince or watch the floating lanterns or bring my family honor. I just want to have a career in the industry I aspire to work in. In short I just want to do and practice my dream job.
Along with those thoughts in my head were floating nonsense like random song lyrics or some dialogue I probably heard somewhere, throw in a conversation that never happened in there plus images of people I donāt even know, so many and so random that itās literally a mix of mess in there that it gets loud and I become overwhelmed. By that time my left wrist was itching. I havenāt self-harmed in 11 months. I wanted to give in for a slight relief, I started scratching my wrist to ease myself a bit, but I didnāt want to waste whatās almost a whole year of being clean for a temporary satisfaction. So I forced myself to get up, and I am so glad I did because I know I just saved myself the trouble of what could be more self-destruction.
Iām in the front yard right now. I made myself coffee, smoking a cigarette and writing this down. I still canāt stop feeling lost. Although I think this is the first time I used the word ālostā to describe how I am in my life right now, but it seems accurate. Before my life was hugely impacted by my disorders, I always thought life was just a straight line when I was younger. Things were going well along my straight path forward. Even during my first years in college, I felt I was in the right path. I even thought that maybe Iām already approaching the middle. But life really isnāt a straight line, is it? Along the path was a rock and I tripped on it. I got knocked and I collapsed. I woke up, but I woke up lost. I donāt know where I am. I canāt find where I was, where my path is. Unsure of what to do and where to go. In despair, I purposely trip myself on more rocks, hurting myself over and over until I collapse again hoping for my end, only to wake up back to nowhere. Lost and desperate to cheat my way out of the game of life by giving up before reaching my finish line. I feel hopeless about getting back to where my path was. But of course, thereās no going back, thereās only going forward. The only path I see ahead of me is steep, has a lot of curves, turns and bumps along it, but I see my finish line up there. Along with the finish line, I see a much older version of me excelling in my dream career. Thatās my inspiration. Although the path is rough and I know Iām already going to trip and fall again several times as I go forward my lifeās long race, I just have to remind myself that it all wonāt be as bad as I think it would be. Iāve already tripped so many times and Iāve learned how I could avoid some along the way and continue to look out for myself. Itās a waste of time on the ground, so I convince myself to stand up. Falling down doesnāt necessarily mean starting over again, itās more like a pause, and then you continue forward.
Iām such a stubborn person, as I know whatās the right and wrong, what I should do and what I should not. I just need constant reminders and personally, in my case of lack of having social life as of the moment, I only have myself to remind myself why I live. And I live for my dreams. Everybody wants to get to their own finish lines, but thereās no way to cheat on that, thereās no easy way, there are no hacks. Life is never a straight line for anyone, I now realize that. When the path becomes tough to walk on, take a rest. Never think about quitting on it. The longer I dwell on negativity, the further and steeper the path will seem. I picture myself there on top, looking down at the path I endured to get up there. I see me smiling, happy because I made it. And it was all worth it.Ā So I gotta get my shit together because I can do this.Ā
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