penny

for your thought

[elegantignorance]

10.1.16   |   Best Friend?

Are you my ‘best friend’? I never believed in the term ‘friends’ to begin with, beloved acquaintance always made more sense to me. Putting my own personal beliefs aside, does society refer to ‘best friend’ in a subjective or objective way? Where as objectively the term ‘best friend’ has a set of standards and objectives that an individual unconditionally and unconsciously meets through their own persona (personality), in accordance to the “set of subconscious standards” of another individual. 

...or Is it more subjective? ....can one consider the mailman his ‘ best friend’ simply because he’s a nice mailman and that’s the only person he sees on a day to day basis although no ‘real’ conversation is held between the two? What if that person was exposed to someone he/she could have a true real intimate conversation with? Could that new individual perhaps take the mailman’s place as  his/her new ‘best friend’? ...

Was the mailman even his/her ‘best friend’ to begin with? or was she/he blinded by what she was only exposed to... he/she knew no better, the mailman was the best “option” for him/her... 

Are we best friends?

[elegantignorance]

Distant Memory

Reading on these posts dating only a few months back, I’m ashamed of the constant spiral I’ve taken this relationship on. You’ve always treated me fairly, and granted, you’ve had your fuckups but so have I. I’m no one to judge, I’m deeply in love with you and I’m sorry. It feels like I’m reading a strangers diary, I’m kind of glad I feel this way now. I don’t sweat over the things that don’t matter anymore, I just want us to be happy. Me and You vs the Galaxy. 

I appreciate the fact that you came with me today on a little joyride in the car. I felt really down earlier but I do feel better. Thanks for staying with me once again and seeing me through it, I know you got in trouble for it with your dad today. I love you Squishy, I only hope I can call you mine forever. 

[elegantignorance]

Thought # 14 | 14:50

I’m ok. I’m not happy, but I’m not sad either. I’m not really sure how I feel.. I’m just… OK.

[elegantignorance]

Thought #13 | 13:30

I’m just dandy, fine, okay, great. I sit here thinking to myself, what if I’m not meant to do the right thing? Maybe I was born to create chaos, to help humanity whilst hurting the ones that can afford it. I hate being corrupted at heart. I HATE IT. I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I JUST CANT… BECAUSE OF HER!!!!!! She loves me, I love her. That’s how it works right? I sacrifice things for her, and she does the same for me. I hug her when she needs a hug, and she hugs me when I need it. Where is she now though? WHERE ARE YOU?!?! WHY CANT YOU FEEL WHAT I FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY MUST I CRY ALONE ALL THE TIME. YOURE PROLONGING MY DEATH, LET ME DIE ALREADY! GIVE ME A REASON TO HATE MYSELF AGAIN, GIVE ME A REASON TO WALK AWAY!!! GIVE ME A REASON TO FALL DOWN AND NOT HAVE A REASON TO GET BACK UP. BECAUSE IM HURT INSIDE, PLEASE… HELP ME… I need you so much right now, and I’d wish you could see it but no one can… No one ever will. Help me by either pulling the trigger or taking the gun away… please. GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST DO IT ALREADY

[elegantignorance]

Thought #12 | 16:57

I hate leaving her feeling anything but happy, it’s a poison and just like every poison out there… If you take enough small dosages of said venom, you eventually become immune to it. With each small argument, I get fazed less and go with less worry throughout my day . I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing, if it’s a sign, or if it’s nothing at all.

[elegantignorance]

Just like before: Me, water, and an underlying gust of cold air rushing between my bottom and the sand.. Accompanied by a million thoughts. 4/26/15

[elegantignorance]

Thought #11 | 0450

Today reminded me of who I was before I met her, I couldn’t picture how I could have been happy without her in my life, and I guess that’s why I hated today so much at the same time… because It reminded me of how I can be happy when she’s not actively a part of it. I’m not saying she doesn’t make me happy, because she does… that’s the problem. I was beginning to center my happiness around her. I failed to believe that I could be happy unless I was by her side, but that’s not the case. She should only be a part of my happiness, not all of it…. I know I’m not the center of her happiness, she’s made that clear with her indiscretions and actions. It didn’t bug me at all that she went out tonight, it strangely opened my eyes in her favor. She never goes out so its not even about that, it’s just the fact that I wanted to be with her but she choose something else… Just like I’ve done with her. It’s so stupid and I can’t compare it but I kind of understand why shes hurt about me joining the military. She probably feels that I love the military more than I love her, that leaving or staying is a choice and that if and when I choose to leave… I’ve ultimately chosen to leave over her thus abandoning her as she’s stated before. Today, I’ve taught myself something that I will hold a secret until I have a kid to pass it onto if I ever do have one.

I hope she knows that I love her with all of my heart, and that no matter what happens with us in the future.. I want her to know that she’s the one and to please wait for me. Please: Don’t date anyone while I’m gone Don’t hug him if you do go on a date Don’t kiss him if you do hug him, Don’t let him press up against you if you kiss him, Don’t let him take your clothes off as I once did if he presses up against you, Don’t, for the love of me… please don’t sleep with him if he takes your clothes off. Because someday I will come back for you, so I beg of you to please wait for me if you truly love me. Save your mind, body, soul, and heart for me. Don’t taint it with the touch of another man…

IS what I’d love to say to her if I leave, but I won’t. Simply put, it’s not fair for me to ask for these things nor do I have the balls. I’m afraid of these things happening since I won’t be here to give her the support and company she needs. I’m afraid that since she won’t have my shoulder to cry on, another mans shoulder will take my place. I’m afraid that your love for me will become a distant memory. But most of all, I’m more afraid that my fears will lead me to push myself away from you in an attempt of keeping you as well as me from getting hurt all that much more.

4/26/15

[elegantignorance]

Eternal love

Does it exist?

[elegantignorance]

4/10/15 Peanut

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Thought #10 | 02:53

It’s hard for me to be myself around others, but I’ll always be true to who I am with you. I hope that’s enough .

[elegantignorance]

Thought #9 | 19:45

To future me: Learn when to let go. Don't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held onto. You're doing them and yourself a favor. Learn from your friends, don't re teach yourself what you already know.

[elegantignorance]

Thought #8

Had a good time with the broski today! It genuinely felt like the old times but on a healthier level. Although the homie whooped my butt at ping pong I still had a good time. Chill day! Too hot though, got that duck buttah for days!

I also couldn’t stop thinking about my girl all day today… I carry her with me where ever I go. I hope she doesn’t take my love as asphyxiation towards her, because I love with a passion. I hate that she has me at the palm of her hand and she doesn’t even know it. I have felt her getting more accustomed to me which is okay, but I just hope she remains “in” love with me until the day I die and past that. The type of love that most deem impossible, because when it comes to me and her, nothing seems unfathomable to me. We(i) will love beyond what’s deemed logical, the dumb kind of love… and I don’t care if it’s unhealthy. I know I have to get my stuff done, and I know it’ll be harder with my girl around but I’d rather fight against seeing her because I’m too in love than to later have to fight within myself to love someone else as I love her simply because I let her go, because I can’t love someone as I love her…not again. I can’t speak for the both of us, but she will ALWAYS have ME as long as she doesn’t push me away.

| ti amo mi princessa.. siempre tuyo |

[elegantignorance]

Thought #7 | 23:37

The word “Always” has always been about everlasting, never ending. At least that’s what it’s been to me. Like love, it’s a word that’s said too much but not “meant” enough. I did the most foolish thing today, I decided to scroll through her ex’s profile.. yeah… I know. Seeing their picture together, their faces tightly pressed against each others clearly establishing their love for one another hurt me so much…. I know it’s her past but it still hurts me. I know she re assures me that her relationship with me is not just being relived to her but she’s happy in that picture, just like she’s happy with me. She smiles as she does in our pictures, and looks as beautiful as always. She calls him by a nickname (sweets) clearly establishing her playfulness and love towards him in public, as well as telling him “I LOVE YOU” for it to remain on the web forever engraved; not for me, but for another man. I probably sound extremely dramatic but I’m deeply in love with this girl so it hurts me… what hurt me most was what she said afterwards… “we’ll always have each other <3” shes uttered that to me more than once “you’ll always have me [myname]”. She told him that they’d always have each other and 3 months later she broke up with him? She either meant it when she said it to him so at some point she plans to rekindle things with him or be friends which is something I couldn’t live with, or she just said it in the moment and didn’t mean it but then how do I know she’s not just saying things to me because it’s in the moment? I’m overthinking. I’m having a “Ted” moment. It hurts me… that’s just it. It hurts.

[elegantignorance]

Rant | 15:40

I’m okay with giving up hanging out with said friend, and I do it without complaint simply because it bugs you. She never did anything wrong, aside from being too nice to me. It bugs you though, so that’s enough for me.

What bugs me is that I don’t feel as if you’d do the same for me, not happily at least. I feel as if you might do it but with complaint or with a series of questions that’ll lead me to think you really don’t want to do that for me. When I bring up your ex and the bunny or the possibility of ex’s being friends you have an excuse for it, it’s always along the lines of ” well he hates me, we don’t talk” You said that someday you feel as if ex’s can be friends, the same individual you were once as intimate as you are with me. How am I supposed to feel about that? Like complete crap.. If you simply aren’t okay with me talking to the girl I used to sleep with but you somehow think that someday you could be friends with your ex, you’re heavily mistaken. I don’t like him texting you, I don’t like him talking to you, I don’t like him having anything to do with you. I would never tell you this though, because I’m afraid that you’ll just end up doing it behind my back. I’m afraid of sharing what bugs me because I’m afraid that if he does text you, you won’t tell me. If he calls you, you’ll delete the call. If you contact him in any way, shape, or form for whatever reason, you’ll keep it from me. If you bump into him, you’ll tell your friends but not me. I don’t want you to hide anything from me out of fear of how I’ll react. It hurt me when you said we have to focus on the present, on the now since we don’t know what’s ahead of us… simply because I’m constantly shaping my life around the future, the future id like to have with you. It’s easy for me to stop hanging out with said girl and even talking to other said girl because my future, atleast in my head, lies with you.. not with them. I hope someday you come to understand that.

I try to revolve my actions around us, if I focused on the now I’d probably be in the Navy already. I’m happy with you, I see you in my future with 100% certainty but sometimes the things you say and do make me question it a bit. I sometimes think you’re right, I need to stop thinking ahead and focus more on the now.

Eat the frog…

[elegantignorance]

Thought #6 | 19:19

Although I can feel the tension, I feel at ease simply because I’m by your side. Te amo. Hermosa… Eres perfecta.

[elegantignorance]

love

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Midnight escape | 00:20