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[eli930]

He left.

I didn't say much, I just heard as he packed his belongings in a hurry.

It seemed like wherever he was going was the biggest mission in his life yet.

An accomplishment we his family never knew of.

Even if this all took a shocking to us all,

my father, oldest brother and I seemed to take it well.

My mom on the other hand was the one who suffered the most.

And just like the butterfly affect, he did the most damage to my mom .

I'm not saying his decision is what impacted her,

I'm saying everything he did that led up to this very moment is what dealt her the most damage.

I mean, there's a procedure when finding a woman and moving out is there not?

So, why did he take the shortcut instead of the peaceful road?

Was his woman with three kids more important than his own family?

Or were we really that meaningless to him?

If you asked me how this affected me,

I would say; Honestly, it affected me little. We were never able to establish a stable emotional relationship. A bond between siblings. We never really reached that peak in our lives.

And he left feeling it was alright that way.

I guess what I'm saying is, he really was just a stranger with a bunch of jokes to tell.

He didn't hug me as he left, nor did I reach out, but, when exactly have I ever needed his warmth?

[eli930]

As I tear these photos that have him in them from my wall,

I slowly begin to realize how much of an impact my brothers choice is having on all of our lives.

How major what he is doing is.

And yet he expects to be treated like a king.

When he has his lady waiting for him on the other side.

But what about us?

Is the damage he is causing all around him not that important to him?

[eli930]

i am slowly starting to realize just how little importance matters really are and how we give them unnecessary value or importance

[eli930]

I think about you too often

Even when the rain pours,

Your smile is all that clouds my mind.

[eli930]

To my mother -

You created a mold for me large enough for me to grow in the way you wanted. Your rules, your expectations of me, they came a long with the mold.

You see me as your diamond, but never realized how each time you hit or bruised my body, you left a crack in that diamond you so treasure and are proud of.

As I type this, you are proud of me. But you have no idea how damaged I’ve become because of you. How I literally bled for your comfort only to be shown a cold shoulder and told a lecture for my actions you deemed as imperfect.

“She’s so educated, she never hangs out with bad people, and she never leaves the house. She cleans up the house when I’m away and makes her brothers breakfast when I’m away.” ~my mother

I’m only like that because I’ve accepted my fate. I’ve come to terms with my relationship with you, it’s already been severed.

There’s no saving what relationship you believe we have.

I can laugh, smile, and joke with you. But you will never see how quickly my smile fades the second you are out of sight.

How a sense of relief comes over me because you are no longer around.

You may be proud of a daughter you don’t know,

But I will never be proud of a mother who never tried to get to know her own daughter.

[eli930]

thinking my villain arc should begin soon for fucks sake.

[eli930]

Thinking back on it

Would I say yes to you if you asked me to be yours?

- In a heartbeat.

But, as I slowly begin to love myself, and learn everything there is to me, the love I have for you is slowly becoming less and less.

The love that is growing inside of me for myself happens to overthrow any emotions I felt towards you that fateful day.

It's so beautiful, that I hope you feel it someday too.

A love so strong towards yourself, that you too will blossom into a beautiful rose.

[eli930]

05/13/21

I woke up at four in the morning today. I fell asleep at around nine pm so I basically got eight hours of sleep. I haven't gotten this much sleep in such a long time, I feel that I needed this. But, in doing this, I gave adulthood another push.

As if preparing myself for the road ahead. It somehow doesn't feel terrifying.

I even unfollowed people on Instagram who's ideals didn't fit mine. A youtuber recommended doing it in helping one to get a healthier mindset. And it surely has been working.

I'm honestly glad I'm doing this all before junior year starts, I really need this in terms of school so I can focus better and have time to study before school even begins. Like run through a few lessons from the past day etc.

I may not have a certain career plan or a job I want to take at the moment, but I believe I've started on the right path.

[eli930]

Something cheesy

There's this girl that I have been friends with for four years now. The way we met was really funny lmao, our conversation just picked up so easily to the point we were laughing in a matter of seconds.

I did flirt with her from time to time, but never took it too seriously because of how immature I was in middle school. But, now that I am in high school and about to be done with it, being mature now I think I have decided.

She is the one.

The one I can laugh with, smile with, enjoy silly little conversations with, and truly be comfortable with. I adore her, everything about her. She is a bit abusive in the most gentle way ever but, I adore that about her. I have imagined our adulthood together in a home of our own, even with children of our own.

I don't want to acknowledge her as my girlfriend but as a partner and a Lover. I assume this is all cheesy but, she makes it possible for me to feel this way about her. I want to take care of her and be embraced by her in moments of low. I want to be there for her in each moment. It feels a bit strange saying this since I am still closeted from my family. I hope one day I can bring this out.

[eli930]

I wonder

I wonder.

When will I meet that person who makes me want to protect them in every little way?

To love and adore them.

Even the hideous parts of them.

I wonder.

[eli930]

I think I now realize why she and I are two parts but one of the same coin. She represents the childness and carefree attitude I could never bring out. While I represent the stern, mature, and silent version of her.

I could never express myself growing up, but she, she was given the liberty to do so. Ranging from clothes, sports, even friends, she was able to pick whatever her heart desired from the second she was born.

While I was forced to silence myself. I couldn't choose my clothes, I had them chosen for me. I couldn't choose my activities, I had them chosen for me. And friends? I was advised to stay away from such meaningless things. I could never truly be me. And so I created different personalities within myself to keep the facade depending on who I was interacting with. Though, it has caught up to me. 13 years later and I broke down.

Meanwhile she is still trapped within her world. She can't seem to realize reality, I yearn to help her. I want to guide her. I want to hold her, I want to hug her.

But, I cant.

[eli930]

There's an awful lot just swimming around my head. Ever since I started writing a story of romance, I've been coming up with many other stories to write about. It's really weird having so many ideas, although I am used to thinking a lot, this much thinking seems insane for a child. I want to make these ideas blossom, try to reach out the younger generation, or reach out to people who relate to the emotions of the characters i place in the stories.

[eli930]

This song makes me feel overpowerd. Kinda like an MC of an anime.

[eli930]

Gender Dysphoria

There is a lot wrong with our world and society in all itself.

We've gotten to the point where we have placed labels on not just our gender but who we have as partners. After so much experience in only 17 years of being alive, I have witnessed a lot. Not enough but a lot.

The way we feel entitled to label things or people or relationships is so absurd to me because I never want to label someone as what they're not. For me personally, I am a woman, but I am so uncomfortable and so disgusted by my chest area because as a woman we are brought up to think we should clothe ourselves appropriately if we don't want to be sexualized but we are sexualized either way no matter what we do. No matter how hard we try to not be sexualized, we just are.

And it should be human decency to respect someone for who they are and who they want to be or what they want their bodies to look like. Because we are not in charge of them, are we? No.

We only have ourselves to tell what to do or how to behave. Because we have that authority, and others are not entitled to that. It isn't their decision to tell us what to do with our own bodies.

Now, women are sexualized from the minute they are born. Literally. And it is so fucking disgusting because men want an innocent woman who is a virgin, no hair on her body, and is clothed appropriately. But what the men cannot understand is that a woman naturally has hair, she cannot control that, and if she wants to keep it then good for her. Because she is deciding what she likes for herself. She isn't letting anyone else tell her otherwise.

Here's a thought.

How nice would it be to go out on the beach or in open public without a shirt and not be sexualized for having a women's chest? It'd be pretty nice right? No shirt, no tank top, and no one would make sexual comments about it. Out of respect for that person as well.

But it somehow just isn't possible. That is why I would rather have top surgery and build a masculine body to finally feel comfortable with myself. I don't think they realize it, but guys have the privilege to do as they wish because it's somehow the right thing for them. But not for us. How idiotic is that?

[eli930]

I just don't get it.

I am utterly disgusted with my breasts.

I was born a woman, and I have every part of a woman, but I just don't feel comfortable in my own body. And I actually grabbed a waist trainer and wrapped it around my chest and bam, it flattened out. And boy can I say, I was comfortable.

Which is strange to say because it was a waist trainer, but I felt so relaxed to the point where I felt the need to always have the waist trainer on my chest. Though it would be a suicide mission, but the sensation of not having to look down and see these annoying and uncomfortable chest made me feel so good. I'm not saying that I wan to be trans, it's just that I hate having breasts.

Like, I wouldn't change the fact that I am a woman, because I am. But I would seriously consider having surgery to remove these milkers for all of gods sake lmao. That's probably weird but Its my genuine thinking.

I even hate my chest more since I was a child because my eldest sibling attempted to touch them when I was starting to show. I guess the feeling of disgust from that time still hasn't gone away, probably never will either. I've had relationships where my partner has touched me there and I felt disgusted even then. Like I just feel this disgust towards my chest and I am so uncomfortable.

I would inform my mom of the way I feel, then again we don't share that kind of relationship. Oh well, I suppose I will have to endure.

[eli930]

Relationships are weird..

Is it just me, or are relationships strange?

Like don't get me wrong, It'd be nice to experience a genuine relationship but for the meantime, it just doesn't seem to be working out.

[eli930]

God and Jesus

Since I was born, I have done everything that my parents wanted. I was brought into the church at an early age and baptized before the eyes of Jesus, received my communion in his eyes, and even confirmed into my religion before him.

But that doesn't mean I am blind to the truth and reality.

I believe in him but not to the point that I idolize him. The bible may speak of his doings but there is so much wrong in the bible. Over the years it's been change to accommodate the fabrication that people have created. You take only what you need, not believe blindly.

I've heard so many perspectives, gone through many experiences to realize just how futile god and Jesus christ: savior of all, really is.

Here's a secret: I used to self harm. I had confessed to a close friend about what I had been doing and he automatically said "You're going to hell for that." Excuse me?

People are so fast to condemn someone for one little action when they have not been given an explanation as to why. This was when I begun to open my eyes.

Another person had to say that we are all born tainted with sin and that is why we have to be baptized, but we are born tainted with sin because of Adam and Eve's grave mistake.

My understanding of this is that we are born with flaws since the very beginning. We, from the second that we are born, already have sinned. In the eyes of Jesus, we are unworthy until we have had our baptism. Little fishy isn't it?

Adam and Eve caved the path of our downfall as human beings. But why are we all to blame for two mere people's mistake? We are billions of people on this Earth and somehow the blame has been bestowed by God himself onto us? Isn't that a load to take in.

To me, religion is but a mere fraction of my life. Not even a fraction, it is futile to me. But I have gone through the procedure's nonetheless in order to be "worthy" of Jesus. Or so that is how other people have seen it and told me.

But how is a nonreligios person different than a religious one? See, one who is religions does sin and is also tempted into doing wrong, and yet they justify their actions with this ritual called "confessing your sins" and somehow your sins have been lifted. It's okay for a religious person to sin but somehow it isn't okay for a normal person who is not religious to sin? How does that work? In the end, religion is but a fabrication used as an excuse for ones sins and actions.