The Sanctum of Agent Elijah Rovak

The personal blog of Elite Psychonaut Agent Elijah Horowitz Rovak, one of the greatest minds to every grace the organization in my own personal opinion. Here you will find my personal musings and my own words of wisdom. Feel free to ask me anything at all and I'll try to get back to you if I can spare my precious time. Gender: Male Age: 35 Sign: Capricorn Occupation: Government Agent/Teacher/Operational Co-Director Ethically Jewish but not practicing

[elijah-rovak]

My stalwart assistant in his natural form.

[elijah-rovak]

well uh um... yeah. I don't know what this means going forward. I don't know if we're dating or not, because Donnie hasn't said so. But it was... well, nice, to get to.... be intimate with with them.

I'm not gonna pretend I understand the whole gender thing Donnie's got going, something about 'masc' and 'fluid' and all these other terms I'm not familiar with -- but ultimately, it doesn't matter. Donny's a wonderful person and I shared something special with, and that's what matters.

And it's not gay because it's penis and vagina and Donnie told me it wasn't gay and if any of you tried to tease me about he could come out here and tell you to stop it and I told him that was okay I handle it but don't tease me and call me gay and say I have a boyfriend because I'm STRAIGHT and we're not dating yet and if we were he -- they would be my theyfriend and Donnie said it was okay to see them as a girl if that made me more comfortable and also Donny said if any of you pick on me he'll -- she'll -- they'll come and back me up and tell you to stop being haters and I have absolutely no problem with gay people and Freddy Mercury is my favorite singer but I personally am not gay so don't tease about it in the comments because bullying is wrong and ACDC is coming to my house later and you guys aren't invited because you're mean so that's off the table

I'm going through a lot of emotions right now, okay? New emotions and experiences and stuff.

[elijah-rovak]

you uh... you don't need to know what was under that thought balloon.

Poor kid, I can't imagine anything more embarrassing. I mean, yeah, the fact that I was.... there... in the fantasies is a little weird, but I don't care. They wanted it kept private anyway.

[elijah-rovak]

(OOC: tagging this one as mature because it's a little spicy)

I don't know what Donny's problem was. I thought it was neat. Not many practical applications, though. What on earth would anyone wanna do with a slimey tentacle that wants to wedge itself in holes?

[elijah-rovak]

As a small business owner, I feel it's my duty to be accommodating. Although I probably could have found a more tactful way to destroy Donny's sense of reality.

[elijah-rovak]

Finally, after conducting so much research in solitude I finally have an assistant! I was doing a pretty good job moving forward on my own, but if my new partner can keep up, it could accelerate our findings!

Not sure what gender they are, though. You'd think my Gender Studies degree would help with that, but ironically, I'm completely inept at studying gender.

[elijah-rovak]

The controversies in NYC have struck a cord with me. Because:

I am Jewish.

I also have a secret tunnel network under my house.

[elijah-rovak]

Hanukkah Day 8: Caroling

Offhand I mentioned something to Raz about how we're an interfaith household now that Ered moved in, and things have been a little weird around the holiday season. The little guy gathered up his friends to surprise us with some caroling! It was a sweet gesture. Anything that makes my daughter feel comfortable and at home is a huge win for me!

It was a little awkward how every time they sang "Christmas" they had to force in "and Hanukkah" but it's still a wonderful gesture.

[elijah-rovak]

Hanukkah Day 7: Work Friends

Never buy stock in Kaiba Corp.

Why can't Kaiba be a normal billionaire and just waste tons of money buying shitty social media apps, instead of challenging people to life-threatening card games?

[elijah-rovak]

Hanukkah Day 6: Guests.

I'm finally starting to warm up to Ered's little friend Walt.

I don't wanna talk about Kelsey.

[elijah-rovak]

Hanukkah Day 5: Don We Now Our Gay Apparel

Grandpa found some sweaters in the bargain bin at CostMart and now we all have to wear 'em. Well, except for me. He says sweaters make me look too "twink-like".

...y'know, when I agreed to let him live with me, I didn't think he'd live as long as he has.

[elijah-rovak]

Hanukkah Day 4: Decorations!

Helping mom put up some tacky tinsel was probably a lot cuter before I turned 30.

ooh, and the little stars light up. Festival of Lights, little electrical light thingees! Neat, right?

[elijah-rovak]

Hanukkah Day 3: Visitation

Yep, Ered's mom is still in jail. Hopefully out soon. I'm getting sick of bribing guards to beat up the women who bother her.

[elijah-rovak]

Hanukkah Day 2: Arts and Crafts

Look, Golems are are cool, but also extremely high maintenance. Grandpa really needs to watch more horror movies before he does dumb shit like this.

And no, I don't think it's cooler than a Dreidel. I like Dreidels! They're like Mesopotamian Beyblades!

[elijah-rovak]

Day 1 of Hanukkah: Tradition

If you've ever seen Fiddler on the Roof, you'd know. We're also watch watching that this year.

Oh, and Hebrew Hammer! That one is actually friggin' awesome!

[elijah-rovak]

So what do you guys imagine my voice sounds like? I've heard people speculating "slightly British" and others say "like a mean Andy Dwyer."

[elijah-rovak]

As a government agent and an ethnic jew, what's your opinion on the Palestine-Israel conflict?

I'm a cartoon.