of the chaos that i am @ellerysx - Tumblr Blog

Api balentayms, buppy popo!

I’m writing this a date earlier to put into my queue so I don’t have to race with you in sending a long message, like we do every holiday ;p I just wanna say sorry because I got something planned but my stupid self lost my phone in ~malaysia~ so i’m broke right now as you’re reading this. ahuhu but sana we could still do something special today because we rarely do anything personal to us anymore. Mahal na mahal kita, Nicole!

You’re my best friend. I actually never realized how close we were until a few months ago and your name is all I can think of whenever something good or bad happens to me. You’re only the person who has ever known me this deeply, like everything I do is comfortable for me even when you’re around. I no longer hide my quirky side and all my insecurities to you. You have become someone I never expected you to be to me this early in the relationship.

You’re my home. I could never describe to you how easy it feels when I have you around. I always, ALWAYS feel safe no matter the situation. And it’s not because you’re macho, or because kaya mo akong buhatin nyaha. But because you’re my safe haven. Nothing matters as long as I have you and my family. It’s like nothing in this world could ever harm me because I have love in me. And even if I’m gone, I know that love would remain and that love is safe with you.

You’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know this is arguable because I think every one of the people on this planet wants to imagine a life with their other half. But I can only imagine how good and awesome life would be as long as I have you in it. Imagining vintage cars and convertible vans, all your plans and all my plans, no matter what it takes, it would always be worth it. I know we had some bumps along the road, but right now I certainly feel that you’re the person I wanna have dogs with. You’re the person I want to travel the world with. (wow nag-malaysia lang) I don’t think life would be as hard as long as we put our love in it.

You’re my soulmate. Cliche di ‘ba? I know sobrang cheesy, pero Nicole, you would always be my 90%. I put this last because even if the other three “You’res” won’t come true, depending on what the universe wants, this one would always be. You are my soulmate, even if we part ways. You are my soulmate, and I pray we end up together. I don’t always pray but when I do, I pray I end up with you. Nothing would hurt more than knowing my soulmate would end up on another’s hands. Although no matter what happens, I pray you always make it.

I’m so proud of us, buppy! We’re almost there in achieving our dreams. This is our last Valentine’s Day together as students hehe. After today, the next thing we celebrate as a couple is our graduation day (wow sana). I’m proud of us for every milestone we achieve!! Mahal na mahal kita and I’m so thankful for all that you do for me. I only hope I could utter the perfect words every time you make me kilig, but I know I don’t :( So I would tell you through this that you are more than enough for me. I love you so much and thank you for all the love that you give. I know I’m hard to be with, so I’m extra thankful for you for giving in some extra effort to make me a little bit more understandable.

Happy Valentine’s Day, buppy popo!

yung wala kang maalala nung gabi sa sobrang kalasingan

I won’t ever trade you for the world.

PASKUHAN

12/20/17

(late post)

hello from my jejemon self inside

raw. untitled.

12/21/17

I woke up today eager to write about something. Whether it’s about my plans, or about what happened last night at Paskuhan.. something—I don’t know. And then slowly, I found myself wandering through my thoughts about how 2017 was. Looking at the gist of it, the first half of 2017 was very toxic and disappointing, as if you could almost wish it never happened. 2nd half of 2017 was mostly about starting anew and failing several times. I met a lot of constants, and in a short brief of time I easily knew who my true friends were. It was full of new and weird decisions, change and all parts of it. To all the times that I was a cry for help, to fixing myself up, to letting new people in. I found myself asking,

“Bakit ba nangyari ‘tong taon na to?”

And that was when I realized all of the good parts, and the lessons of the bad. I smiled realizing I met Nicole, and everyone close to my heart right now. Funny enough, just being with them for only half a year was a big change for me. I could only be too happy. Suddenly I’m glad for all the failed relationships, leading me to a whole new better ones. This year was a hellhole but I would always wish it wouldn’t end. I couldn’t be more thankful I met Nicole. I just couldn’t be. My reminder that God always has better plans, and better timing.

When I was broken, I was rushing to fix myself for the sake of being less toxic to the people around me, and so I could see the sun for a while every now and then. I was desperate to be okay, and I forgot that I wouldn’t ever feel better by trying to feel any less. So instead, I just tried to looking forward to what’s ahead of me.

And now I’m here. And now we’re here.

RAW.

hs / boyfie / antipolo

#highschool #boyfie #antipolo #gallery

If you look into my eyes, it would take you 5 seconds to know that I’ve had it worse than you. I remember that the pain felt so natural, like the gun was already there and it’s been waiting this whole time, and I took the bullet for all the wrong reasons. Never believe that there’s love better than oil paintings and sunlight kisses. I have this bittersweet feeling I’m not even halfway through knowing yet.

I’ve heard some say I’m a rabbit hole you don’t want to fall into. But with what right does a sheep judge a lion? For the longest time I’ve kept in mind that I am not for everybody and more importantly, I don’t have to be. Nicole, you kissed me like the war is over. You were with me even when lights go out. What a twisted taste you must have to love me. But somehow the universe kept placing me somewhere you’re not, somehow it does its trick and keep me away from you. It hasn’t the faintest ideas, as well. But the universe always has better things to do. And here we are.

Few of the world’s advices tell you to stop watering dead flowers. I suggest we go down to more familiar places we’ve been, for one more time, for one last time, and decide whether or not we go for the longer road. And it’s love from here on out.

Never underestimate what the universe can give back to you if you put out the work. We might be a little late, but we’re on our way. For starters, I’ve never been this happy.

Always,

#nicole #boyfie #zambales

Billions of people; tons of personalities to deal with and metaphors to resemble one of each. And Nicole was my Robin—someone I could love beyond all rationality, per Ted. You never have to worry about his quirks or flaws or baggages, because he is, and always will be, his own person. No, he’s something more than character references and all kinds of figures of speech I could ever think of. He never bothered caring about worldly things and temporary pleasures. Of all people you could take on half measures and paperweight pursuits, he has always kept his own principles and his disarmingly witty sense of humor. And he has never changed. He doesn’t have to.

Nicole. My assurance in this uncertain world.

And he never knew how much he saved me. More than time and words could fix, his presence and all that he is has been the best impact on my deranged luck. It was the worst time of my life, summer of 2017, I was on the verge of life per se. It was the worst time to love someone so messed up as I was, but Nicole broke the odds. I had been under grey skies and he was my silver lining. I wish I had prepared myself more for him. Cause nothing can ever make me feel vulnerable, yet safe, than being with him.

What else? I know there are more ways to love than how we know. Statistics say there’s never a same love twice. It’s not just going down this rabbit hole or you can sit your ass down in Kansas, Dorothy. There’s no in between, we either entangle ourselves in this folie à deux or nothing at all. But what else—I might be missing something very simple. Nicole, he taught me to tame the flame inside me. He was never afraid of emitting a spark like most are. And that spark turned into a fire that cannot be ebbed, each day growing stronger and more enduring.

Nicole, you are, and always will be, my great perhaps. I don’t have to worry about leaving my mark in this world, for you made me realize that what is essential is what only my heart can see. Your perhaps mattered the most to me.

Always,

#Nicole

UPDATES, DEPRESSION AND STARTING OVER

Hi everyone! So it has been a while since I last posted something in this blog, I was actually making plans on how I could reconstruct my blog but time never permitted me. I will post my literary works, photos and maybe my music throughout my Christmas vacation. Since I missed a lot on blogging about my life, I will post highlights and throwbacks of what has happened to me throughout 2016. So while I'm done telling you about my plans for this blog and how I could cope up with you guys, before I get there, I want to kind of explain what I went through these past few months. (okay so this is where it gets a little serious..) I don't actually know how to start my story, but to put it all in a nutshell, 2016 has been the hardest year for me. I was struggling with depression and self-hatred. I wanna tell you guys that I haven't been up because I was just busy. (okay quick updates first) Well, I got accepted in my college's publication(Thomasian Engineer), I applied for literary and I almost didn't make it to my deadline but they reconsidered because of my works. My team is awesome, they're all so supportive about everything and they're fun to work with, unfortunately I got too busy with my other org which is a university-wide one. I joined my university's theatre guild, Teatro Tomasino, and we had a lot of things to work on lately, we had deadlines for the new members and of course, we had a production, "Hindi Na Muli", dedicated to the war stories that filipino families encountered during the time of the dictator Marcos. Also, I told myself to spend more time with my friends who are also the ones who helped me throughout my anxiety. (My boyfriend's been hella supportive too so this goes out to you) Going back, for the first time in my lifetime, I've experienced having friends(well, they're not actually) backstab me. And it sucked a ton because I know I didn't do them any wrong. It was hard being in the same room with almost 10-ish(??) people who hate you. It was a very long story but apart that one, I woke up one day hating who I was, I hated my life. I did not attend and participate my orgs' activities, I barely go to class. I got sick, I did not go out of my dormitory for almost 2 or 3 days. I even pushed away the love of my life. I didn't talk to anyone about it I guess because it was a part of me that was the reason why me and the people around me hated who i was. I didn't like my voice, my art, my face. I failed my studies. I failed everyone. I've been suicidal just days ago because I haven't dealt with my problems. I drank very often and it didn't matter to me how people around me felt. This is a very important post for me probably because, maybe people are experiencing this, too. Maybe one of you does. And I've been there, you know? People will tell you it's gonna be okay and you think they just don't understand, but I'm telling you it will be. Cliché as it may sound, it will only eat you up. You have your friends, your family. Depression is a hard thing to run away from. Cause even now, I still have it, but all of it will be okay I promise you. I might not know what else to say like the people around you, but I've been there and it does get better.

LIFE LATELY- August blues August gave me a lot of ups and downs. Cliché statement, but it really was one of the months that made me stronger and made my eyes really open at college. But on a lighter note- the highlight of my month was the people behind every smile I had. This is my 2nd year in college, and peers really do change. It surprised me to be away with my friends last semester. (almost everyone shifted already & five of us were left) I am now joining different groups in class to understand everyone better. I also joined different organizations that i didnt join before, (Scarlet, OV & Thomasian Engineer) but this is only from the college-wide orgs. I'm planning to join Tomcat or Teatro Tomasino this year, too. I'm so ready for the good changes in my life right now but I still wont forget who was there before everything change. S/o to my boyfriend, heyyy! You're behind all these, too.

#enggcon #life lately #engg #ust