Meow

[embarrassingsoembarrassing]

Whenever I make posts on Tumblr, it makes me feel like a whiny bitch who has no consideration or awareness for anything.

[embarrassingsoembarrassing]

The more someone tells me about their problems, I get drained. I do care though, I do. But I think I’ve been letting people do it constantly to the point I don’t feel anything anymore. I can’t bring myself to relate or understand what they’re going through. I don’t have the energy to do it. And it’s kind of sad because it makes me feel like a heartless bitch with no feelings. The lack of feelings get to me the most. I feel so robotic. I don’t even feel anything anymore really. 

[embarrassingsoembarrassing]

It’s funny. I used to think your randomness, your laughter, and conversations were really charming. Now it’s just irritating and annoying. I love you as a person, but I just can’t fucking live with you anymore. I guess it’s also my fault for not speaking up for how I feel. I just wish you would get the hint. I have my earphones in for a reason. You just talk way too much and bother me for just a few words or statement of thoughts that pop up in your head. It’s like I can’t have a few hours of complete peace and quiet. I absolutely hate it. I need time to recover, to gain energy. I’m starting to get annoyed so easily and I feel dread every time I anticipate you speaking to me, because I know you will. I started half listening, ignoring, and pretending not to hear you. I feel like a shitty person but that’s just what I need to do. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wait to move out of this room so I won’t have to deal with it. I just desperately need time alone. 

[embarrassingsoembarrassing]

I’ve been taking such shit care of my mental health this entire year. I keep trying to go to the school psychologists but it’s just so fucking hard when you have to wait 2+ weeks for a fucking appointment because so much can change in between that time. Not only that, but after I do see them, it’s another 2 weeks for the next appointment and I always feel better by then so I see no point in going to see them again. I hate my random spikes of highs and lows. I know it’s not healthy and I need to continue seeing them, but I don’t know what to say or what I need. I don’t know how to make myself better. I wonder if I should resort to taking anti-depression pills or something. I need a more direct immediate way to get out of this fucking pit hole I’ve been experiencing my entire life.

[puffsaddy]

she buying you the cologne that her ex used to wear and telling you “it smells good on you”.

[sonoanthony]

Low-key she wants him back cus she was the one that fucked up

[puffsaddy]

she turning you into him.. she told you that you should grow your hair out.. now yall got the same cut you tell your mom she’s making you better.

[sonoanthony]

You call her “princess” and “baby girl” because she told you she liked those pet names, but that’s what he called her while they fucked, she gets butterflies at the memories

[puffsaddy]

she signed you up for the gym.. you ain’t even know you was that skinny.. she says you’re not skinny she just wants you “healthier”..you thinking about it at work while you take a bite of the cantaloupe she packed your lunch with.

[sonoanthony]

Ya both chilling on the couch, in the evening, watching one of her favorite films she used to watch with him, her phones vibrates, it’s a text from a contact “I’m sorry 😔🤕”, it says “I thought of you today” ya both see it. You noticed she smirks a little but then throws her phone on the couch like she doesn’t care. Every 10 secs she looks at her phone, she says she needs to use the bathroom. Before she leaves she grabs her phone

[puffsaddy]

you don’t think nothing of it because that’s your baby.. and you trust her..you go to thanksgiving with her family this year.. her uncle keep calling you Marcus.. you try not to let it get to you so you go play with the kids..her cousins telling you that you were more fun last time… that’s the first time y'all ever met tho.

[sonoanthony]

That lowkey gets to you, almost shed a tear so you go outside to the porch for some air. Her father is outside on the chair, you sit next to him. He starts telling you about Marcus. Says how his daughter never been happier than when she was with him, she never loved somebody so much…. He points to a house in the distance, says “he lives there, by himself, his parents died and left him the house” the lights are on, you didn’t know he lived down the block, it’s a big thanks giving party, you haven’t seen your “princess” in 20 minutes. It’s not that big of a house

[puffsaddy]

you go in to grab your jacket so you can check it out… her aunt comes in as you walk out and says “Marcus you don’t look so good.. you haven’t been eating?” ya nose start running.

[sonoanthony]

You don’t reply, you keep walking to the house you get close hear some whispers, the lights turn off. Then you hear the back entrance slam you see a dark figure, about as tall as your “baby girl” run you can’t catch the person’s face though, it’s dark. You try to follow but can’t catch them. It was rainy that day. You go back to the house, find your girl. She’s breathing heavy, asks you where you been. You noticed she changed her shoes. You pull her to the room, say ya need to talk. Ya sit down in the bed. You notice the shoes she was wearing in the corner, they have mud on them.

[puffsaddy]

your heart beating hella fast.. just as yall sit down you hear an eruption of joy from the kids “THE REAL MARCUS!” you stressed..ya ligaments get weak.. you manage to walk out the room so you can see him..he look like the updated version of you..he DirecTV.. you’re basic cable.. you throw up the food her mom put on your plate.. you don’t care that much tho because she said she made it “just like last time”.

[sonoanthony]

Her mother throws you a thin ass napkin to clean it and goes back to talking to Marcus. nobody is paying attention to you now not even your girl. the napkin is not thick enough you get your hands dirty. You go to the bathroom to clean up, it’s upstairs. Your knees still feel weak you almost fall you sit down in the toilet you crying at this point your nose starts running again. You pull out a picture of her out your wallet, you try to look at it but the tears don’t let you. Your girl knocks on the door you hear some giggling. You open and it’s your girl and Marcus right behind her, she looks surprised it’s you. She then tells you she was just showing him the way to the bathroom. Marcus has slept over a few times, he knows exactly where the bathroom was.

[puffsaddy]

you get mad now.. he’s disrespecting you.. you get up and get ready to swing on him.. right before you do you smell his cologne.. tears start pouring down your face you just wanna lay down now.. you try to leave.. she grabs you like “wait”.. he says “princess just let him be”… you think to yourself. “..princess?”

[sonoanthony]

That’s the last straw. That was unnecessary you turn around and swings at his face but Marcus boxed for 8 years. His reflexes don’t play, he ducks, and jabs you in the stomach one time. That’s all that was needed you drop, your princess…. Well, his princess by now, yells at the moment of impact. You on the floor you can’t breathe you thinking about the time spent at the gym did not help, you think of going tomorrow to cancel your membership. Everyone is upstairs by now asking what happened. Marcus just says that he should leave. Your girl tells him that she’ll walk him to the door, she walks all the way home with him. You laying down on her bed for a little bit. You fall asleep. Wake up 10 minutes later, your girl not back. It’s 11:54pm by now. Everyone almost left. You the only person that don’t belong there.

[puffsaddy]

you go to the bathroom to watch yourself cry.. you talking to yourself now..“i thought i was the prince” you shake your head “im just a damn jester” you get your things ready to go.. you got manners so you tell everyone bye… her uncle in a wheelchair says “come back soon Marcus”.. you kick his wheelchair.

[sonoanthony]

3 years later you got a promotion at work you making ok money now enough to move out your mom’s house. You go home and get on Facebook to post about your accomplishment. You still friends with her sister. She posts how her sister is getting married, you comment on her post" tell her i said congratulations" her sister replies “?” You embarrassed. Delete ya comment. You scoop around. It’s with Marcus. You feel ya stomach in ya throat. You pull out a box from under ya bed. Take out the cologne she gave you. You know why now. You spray it on you, sobbing. You sigh “I could’ve been your Marcus”.

[puffsaddy]

you end up living a lonely life.. happiness always seems like it’s around the corner.. but you can never reach it.. you get a dog.. she runs away.. you went and got a goldfish..“goldfish can’t leave me” you think.. you came home one day and your goldfish drowned.. you didn’t even know that shit was possible.. you sad forever.. moral of the story is: don’t let women pick your cologne.

[sonoanthony]

The end

[nostradickmus]

Why y'all do this fictional character like that?

[deuce45]

Nigga. I read this whole thing, first off beautifully told. Secondly, never let her pick your cologne major key. Glad pops told me that one, third of all..be wary when a woman comes at you with a lot of changes. Some women like upgrading and some like repeating ya dig?

[sloth-is-the-only-way]

They forgot about the part were you finally lose your shit and murder the bitch and Marcus at there wedding, killing anyone and everyone else until the police show up. Of course they’re already too late, the damage is done. You killed most of them. You then sit down. And finally let go of your final tears before pressing the gun to your temple, smiling as you pull the trigger. Finally free from your loneliness

[puffsaddy]

[drankinwatahmelin]

wh…

[alexbelvocal]

🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿

[foeyedcurls]

That took a hell of a turn

[dookiediamonds-deactivated20200]

I mean….. What the fuck

[dookiediamonds-deactivated20200]

You know what u don’t like this ending. Fuck that. How about this

[dookiediamonds-deactivated20200]

3 years later you got a promotion at work you making ok money now enough to move out your mom’s house. You go home and get on Facebook to post about your accomplishment. You still friends with her sister. She posts how her sister is getting married, you comment on her post" tell her i said congratulations" her sister replies “?” You embarrassed. Delete ya comment. You scoop around. It’s with Marcus. You feel the butterflies you felt when you first met her. You pull out a box from under ya bed. Take out the cologne she gave you. You fired its last few sprits, and sigh dispiritedly, “why was I not good enough for you”, you ask ask the now empty bottle brimming with memories.

[dookiediamonds-deactivated20200]

Everyday seems endless battle for you. You’re growing older, even though you’re still young, you can feel your age catching up to you. When you go out, you can’t help but notice every cute couple that passes you bye thinking"that could have been us man". Your heart is heavy from all the love you have you been waiting to give away. Focusing on work is hard cause memories of what once was are occupies a majority of what once was and could/should have been. Depression and self doubt has long taken root and your thoughts on love are somber at best. You find little happiness at the bed of the glass abyss so easily replenished with your favorite cognac. You see no way out of this.

[dookiediamonds-deactivated20200]

Another year and a half passes you by instant but felt like an eternity. Its another tame Friday night and you prepare yourself for another 6 hour binge of  Grey’s Anatomy and drinking. A few drinks in, your drag your phone out to pull up the message thread you’ve practically memorized by now, its still your favorite thing to read. It always reminds you of when you were content, and happy, and in need of nothing. You scroll all the way down to type the same three words you’ve been waiting to send for almost 5 years, ‘I miss you’. You stare at the “send” button forever before locking your screen and putting it down. No sooner than you pocketing your phone, you feel it vibrate and a ringtone sings out that almost brings our heart to a halt. 

“ ~Woke up this morning found a letter that she wrote, she says that she’s tired that im always on the road, too hard to swallow being alo-”

It’s her.

[dookiediamonds-deactivated20200]

You look at your phone and see her face giving you the smile you fell in love with three options that read, Remind Me, Message, and Slide to Unlock. You slide. “……hello?” Shes hysterical, crying and screaming. You are trying to calm her down and figure out what is going on. The only thing you make out is “cheating fuck”  and “ how could she have done this to me”. You’re trying to piece everything together and when you finally do, you just ask her where she is and she sobs, ”I dont fucking know, Highland View apartments I think?” Out of every complex  in Atlanta she chooses to run too, she finds yours. “I-I-I live there..” , you stutter. “ Come to the back,  You’ll see my car, I be waiting by it”.

[dookiediamonds-deactivated20200]

You sit on the trunk of your car waiting for her to pull around. The November air is cool but you can’t help but sweat, fearing that you still haven’t lived up to her standards, that you still haven’t done enough, that  all the changed she made to you still weren’t enough for you to be loved. She parks her car and gets out and almost runs to you and practically jumps onto. You console her, and tell her everything would be okay. Having her in your arms felt your world was turn back upright and all your stars had realigned. You both don’t move for a long time and sit there in silence. She pulls back just enough to look up at you and smirk a little bit. The pain in her bloodshot eyes, is enough to break your but that slight smile keeps you together. You both stare deep each other’s eyes for the longest time.”You look good”, “you do too” you reply. She moves in to kiss you but you draw away. Thinking back, you can only seem to recall of her telling you about Marcus and their relationship. You can only remember that she had never really been invested in the one you both had together. She seems shocked and a bit hurt, but still don’t understand why. “Kiss me” she says in the smallest voice.  You’re heart skips a beat, The words you’ve been waiting to hear for  years, and now they don’t seem to make sense. You’re cynical of her intentions. “Where was our first date?” you ask her with a slight crack in you voice. She seems confused.

” Huh?”

“Where was our first date?” you repeat, this time more sternly.

“Whats my favorite show? Where did I grow up? When did I fall in love with you? What is the song I have for your contact when you call”. She falls  stagnant, sheepishly giving in her answers through the silence.

“ We went to NCCHR our first date. You wore that yellow floral blouse, beige skirt and your favorite pair of chuck taylors with the rip on the inside of the left shoe. My favorite show is  The Wire. I fell in love with you that day my car broke down and we walked 7 miles in the rain back to mom’s house, laughing and making jokes the whole time, and me taking care of you that whole day after cause you caught that cold and your feet hurt. Charlene plays when you call.”

She can no longer bear your gaze, and has let you go and turned away from you.

“You spent all that time changing me into him, you never even took the chance to really understand who I was. All the while I let ‘love’ blind me to the fact that you never really wanted me for who I was, only the ghost of who you wanted me to be.”

The air falls motionless.

“Whats my name?” you finally ask.

She turns to you, “Marcus I jus-” she stop when she realizes her mistake.

“Exactly like I thought. You need to leave.”

You turn back around and slowly walk back inside, close the door behind you and slide down its frame and let the tears roll.

A text pops up from her a few minutes later and reads, ‘ What happened to you being my prince?…’

You stare at the screen and slowly type out ‘I have my own autonomy now’- delete her thread and lock your phone.

[dookiediamonds-deactivated20200]

Moral of the story: love someone that loves you for you.

[earphoneeffected]

[thesweetishthuggishbone]

Truly art

[getoutoftherobotxaviii]

this needs to be archived for future generations, holy shit.

[lightskintgawd]

Gahhdamn y'all need to get this shit published

[7echnicolor]

oh my fucking god how did i read all of that

[kaylapocalypse-deactivated20201]

I got trapped in it too man

[thegirlwhocrieswolf]

I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

[embarrassingsoembarrassing]

I’ve recently moved in to my apartment and have five awesome (so far) housemates. They’re very talkative and social. But I’ve spent this entire summer alone and it’s a bit hard to adjust. When there were just two of them, I was able to keep up and talk with them and have fun, but as the number of people moved in increased, my energy decreased. I’ve been feeling withdrawn and I don’t talk much now. I just don’t have it in me. I feel like it’s so draining to keep up and I spend more hours asleep and in bed recovering from being around them. I feel bad since I think they’ve noticed something is wrong. I can’t help it though. I just can’t keep up this lifestyle as of now. I’m used to being alone and having time to myself to do nothing. I feel like I have no quiet time, since my roommate is in the room as often as me and she feels the need to keep talking to me. I just can’t deal with it. The only escape is sleep. Yesterday, I spent probably around 16 hours in bed, mostly asleep. I feel like there isn’t enough recovery time for me and they keep draining me. I’m tired all the time. It’s to the point I am purposely blocking them out and ignoring what they say when I’m with multiple housemates. I’m probably a terrible person, but it’s not like I can help it. I just need time to myself. 

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

I don’t care if Hillary Clinton is corrupt. I don’t care if she lies, if she cheats, if she eats bowls of newborn chipmunks for breakfast.

She is literally the only thing standing in the way of a fascist dictator becoming President of the United States with a Republican majority congress that guarantees he can do anything he wants and nothing will be able to stop him.

I was and still am a Bernie supporter, and I hate a lot of things about Clinton, but none of that matters anymore. If Trump is elected, people are going to die. Women are going to die when Roe v Wade is overturned and Planned Parenthood is defunded. LGBTQ people are going to die when conversion therapy is further legalized and more bathroom bills are passed. POC are going to die as Trump rounds up Mexican immigrants, gives more power to the police, and fuels the fires of Islamaphobia. Poor people are going to die as Obamacare gets overturned and further cuts are made to welfare programs. And that’s just in this country. That’s not even taking account the all-too-likely outcomes of Trump starting new wars in the Middle East and having control of nuclear bombs that he’s said he ‘would not rule out’ using.

This is no longer even about ‘the lesser of two evils’. This is not ‘scare tactics’. This is literally life and death. Don’t fuck around and tell me you’re voting third-party or not voting at all, because you don’t have that luxury. 

[embarrassingsoembarrassing]

The more I analyze myself and my problems, the more I realize that everything is connected. I don’t quite understand how all these things affected me so much though when on the outside, my reactions were subtle and didn’t seem out of the ordinary. I didn’t do or say anything that would raise alarms that something was wrong yet I’m traumatized and I can’t seem to muster any feelings of attachment or affection to anyone. I can’t seem to understand why other people feel the way they do like I used to. Now, I just have a skeptical attitude and tell people to trash their feelings because I don’t understand how they can be so emotionally attached. I feel soulless. What happened to me? I need to feel something emotionally deep.

[not-now-im-studying-deactivated]

Only immigrant kids will know the struggles of trying to be twice as good, twice as smart, twice as hard working to ‘catch up’ to the privileges of people born and raised in the society that always accepted them and let them succeed with the help of community. Shout out to the immigrant kids who did it all on their own, who didn’t have any help from their family, but instead had to help their family out in return because their parents didn’t speak English, or their parents had crappy jobs and had to always worry about their financial situation and pretend everything was fine in school and with friends. I know your pain, and you are so strong. Everything you have fought for, you had to earn on your own, and I know how hard it is to feel all alone and not have any support. That’s why you have to keep fighting and keep learning. Keep waking up everyday with a fire in your soul and a desire to be better. Make yourself proud. All this struggle is for yourself.

(via not-now-im-studying)

[embarrassingsoembarrassing]

Dear Daddy,

I’m so incredibly sorry that I am the reason you are working so hard I see it in the pictures, you’re losing so much weight You shouldn’t be eating instant noodles or missing out on real meals because you have don’t want to wait because you’re so hungry I wish you weren’t working eighteen hours a day, six days a week You need sleep Daddy I just want you to be healthy I don’t mind taking out more loans It hurts me to hear and see you like this I can see the grey hairs taking over every inch of your head You used to be so young and full of life Now I just see someone stressed and burdened by the weight of loans I see someone struggling to make ends meet and killing themselves over it

No one told me that when I’m in college I would feel so much guilt and pain No one told me that my family would struggle this much No one told me anything at all

I hope I will make you proud I hope everything you have done will be worth it in the end I have so much love and appreciation for you, even if I don’t ever show it

Thank you so much Daddy I’m sorry.

[embarrassingsoembarrassing]

Death seems to be intruding further and further into my life as the months and years pass by. From people I barely know to people I used to know... How much longer until it directly affects me and it's someone who is currently in my life? It scares me. I don't want to lose anyone.

[micdotcom]

Watch: Brian Yu’s heartbreaking poem will strike anyone with students loans to the core.

[andyswarhol]

[petitpotato]

Something that I’ve learnt from my many years of struggling with depression is that it’s never really gone. Even at times when I feel good and healthy, I’m still always at risk of relapse. So far, I’ve experienced relapses every couple of years and one of the many reasons that happened is that I didn’t take my depression seriously enough. No one likes being mentally ill, so once depression doesn’t feel too present, I tend to ignore it. I quickly put myself under a lot of pressure, because everyone else does too, and since my depression isn’t acting up in that particular moment, I don’t feel like I have an excuse to take things easy. I feel like a liar and very disrespectful of other people’s hard work, so I push myself all the time to keep up with everyone. I don’t want to cause trouble because of something no one can see. While every single time seems still manageable to me, those situations keep stacking, until I can’t deal with the amount of stress anymore. Then I fall apart. This is a reminder to me and everyone else who’s in a similar situation: by accepting your depression and keeping it in mind, you’ll be able to live a healthier life in the long run. It’s difficult to miss out on certain things or to say “no” to friends because of something that isn’t an immediate problem. But every time you decide to take care of your needs, you will keep depression away a bit longer.

[cr-est]

What's your #1 sexual fantasy?

Somebody just throwing a million dollars on to my naked body and then leaving.

[embarrassingsoembarrassing]

I don’t like you. I feel as if I’m making an excuse for myself because you’re the closest thing to comfortable and familiar I have. The only reason why I “like” you is because of that. Other than that, I would never pursue or genuinely like you. It also may be an excuse because I’m bored and lonely. I don’t understand why it’s so incredibly hard for me to find anyone attractive here. Why is it so hard to form a connection with someone?

[embarrassingsoembarrassing]

This will be the most selfish four years of my life. I wonder if my mindset of being unselfish my whole life before college makes up for this even for just a little. I feel so guilty and upset with myself. I feel like I’m not working hard enough and I’m being incredibly selfish. My parents have spent nearly 40k on me just this school year alone and honestly, we can’t even afford it. The next three years I will have some financial aid, but I don’t think it will be enough. I’m sure there will be a few thousand they will have to pay. My dad is currently working two jobs, 18 hours a day. It doesn’t help that he commutes and only gets less than 4 hours of sleep. I feel so guilty I tear up just thinking about it. He’s working so hard for me, but what am I doing? Having the best time of my life and trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be? I’m not worth this much effort. There’s no way to tell if these four years of college will be worth it for them because my career will be completely opposite of what they want from me. I don’t know how to deal with this. I feel so conflicted.