Jeongin wakes up without remembering the break up, the reason for which he still doesnāt know. But the bliss doesnāt last, and Chanās there to greet him at the breakfast (read: lunch) table.
Warnings: heavy angst
Wc: 930
A/n: a little oneshot where I just spilled out my angsty guts⦠I hate the thought of Jeongin crying, just breaks my heart. Let me know if this is something that you think is worth continuing <3
Thereās nothing special about the morning, not really.
After waking up, he throws on his sweats, a black hoodie and some socks and runs his fingers through his dark hair. It bounces and settles, clean from last nights shower.
The tidal wave hits him without warning as he remembers all that sleep had blissfully hidden.
Sheās gone.
Jeonginās body goes nearly limp as he slumps down on the edge of his bed, nearly missing it.
He longs for the brief moment without memory or heartache. It only lasted a minute or so, but it was the closest to normal heād felt in a good while.
A shaky hand reaches for his phone to see if thereās any sign from her.
Disappointed, again.
Did she really mean it? Was it over?
He knows the answer, itās just unbearable.
He moves slowly, feet dragging as if dredging through a swamp. Chan sighs at the sight when his dorm mate finally emerges into the kitchen and manages to grab an energy drink from the fridge.
āLess than ideal,ā Chan says softly, carefully commenting the choice of ābreakfastā which is more like lunch at this point. His gaze follows Jeongin, who sits down looking like an abandoned cat. The cat doesnāt look up, only stares at the table while chugging half the energy drink in one go. A drop runs down his chin but he remains still.
āAlright,ā Chan stands up purposefully, takes his plate to the sink and reaches for the bag of bread in the cabinet. āEat something. Please.ā His commanding tone seeps through the attempted politeness. The bread lands in front of the man who seems to have frozen judging by his stillness. The butter and knife follow swiftly.
A minute passes. And another.
Chan keeps swearing heās not - repeat - he is NOT buttering a grown-ass manās bread for him. But god fucking damn it, how pathetic can it get?
āCome on, man,ā he mumbles under his breath and butters the fucking bread. āEat.ā He stands above his friend, arms folded in annoyance.
Jeongin stares at the slice but still keeps a strained hand around the can of Monster.
There was nothing special about the morning. For the first two minutes. Then it became as special and magical as the last seven mornings had been without her.
He doesnāt understand what happened, why and how. There was yelling - so much yelling - and then just silence, like a vacuum constantly surrounds him. He doesnāt know what to do.
āWhy-ā Jeonginās voice is hoarse like sandpaper, obviously from lack of use, and he clears his throat before continuing. Chanās ears perk up as soon as he hears the tiny sound. āWhy can I sleep?ā
āHuh?ā
Itās been nagging at him, confusing him, stirring in his brain. Having always heard about how guilt can take away sleep, how good people canāt sleep after doing something bad.
āI⦠itās the only thing I can do. Why? Isnāt it something Iām supposed to lose, too?ā
Jeongin looks up, big eyes glossy and pleading. āI shouldnāt be able to do it.ā
The pain is so real and sharp that it slams into Chan and breaks his heart. He nearly grimaces.
āIām glad you can. Sleep is good, it keeps you sane.ā
The heavy head turns back down like a pendulum as Jeongin breaks.
āI donāt feel sane.ā
He begins sobbing, and it makes him fold on top of the table, hands gripping his shirt, forehead nearly banging against the wooden surface.
āIām so fucking sorry, I donāt know what I did,ā he chokes out, spit flying without care for his appearance. āWhat am I gonna do?ā he wails like a wounded wolf.
Chan lowers down to his knees hastily and swings his arm around Jeonginās shoulders from below to hold him slightly upward. To carry him through it.
But his comfort is laced with a burning hate that threatens to destroy the support heās trying to convey. His kind, diligent, loyal little brother is a decimated soul, all because of her.
He has held his tongue for months.
Because there has to be a reason for Jeongin to be into her. Something he didnāt see. It wasnāt his business, theyāre both adults. But that woman⦠she had an eery gaze, and an obviously selfish state of mind, entirely opposite to her boyfriend. And it wasnāt even subtle.
Chan wondered often; was it the sex? Was she completely different when they were alone? Was Chan the only one who felt it, ergo was there something the matter with him?
The last one was very quickly proven false in the first few weeks, when Chan and Minho exchanged glances at a get-together. Minho mouthed āthe fuck?ā and furrowed his brow so long it left a crease on his nose. There was a strange tension strangling the air that night, and Chan didnāt imagine it. Something was off.
And he certainly wasnāt imagining this. Jeongin had never been this inconsolable, this thin and worn. This isnāt someone who lost the love of their life, this is someone who has been manipulated and abused tirelessly, who has lost themselves in the black hole of a bad situation. Someone missing prison after being inside.
And now theyāre done.
Finally.
āItās gonna be okay,ā Chan tries to soothe his friend who wonāt stop shaking, muscles tense and spasming like a building in an earthquake. āYouāll get through this. Itās better this way.ā
He knew it was. Otherwise he wouldnāt have planted that bra.
Once you get spotted together, your best friend takes you in to protect you. But he's suddenly acting really weird, and just when you thought you were finally out of the friendzone...
Warnings: cusssssiiiinnnng as you very well knew by now! slight angst but a happy ending, mentions of drinking and sex/intimacy
Once you get spotted together, your best friend takes you in to protect you. But he's suddenly acting really weird, and just when you thought you were finally out of the friendzone...
Warnings: cusssssiiiinnnng as you very well knew by now! slight angst but a happy ending, mentions of drinking and sex/intimacy
This became a two-part-baby because I just went a little overboard...
This is probably the saddest thing Iāve ever written in the fanfic space, and it comes with a MASSIVE WARNING. The topic is Chanās death through his eyes. If youāre not up for it, I completely understand and encourage you to focus on happy thoughts instead of this. (How very Lemony of meā¦)
Anywho, sometimes these themes can feel cathartic, I guess I needed to get the thoughts out. ALSO I want to make it known that I pray to all the entities that Iām completely wrong and heāll be with us until heās 200 years old. But I thought of this because I think this is what he might do in a case like this.
Okay, enough blahblah from me, Iām sorry. For the whole thing really.
WC: 2068
Warnings: ANGST with no hope, death and aftermath
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Chan sat with his head in his hands, stray hairs glued to his forehead, each raspy breath reminding him of the incredible three hours heād spent on stage with his best friends.
No place Iād rather be. Itās perfect.
He heard them before he saw them, which was usually the case. Fourteen shoes marched down from the dressing room, all happy with their dayās work and pumped up with adrenaline from performing on stage.
So proud of you guys.
A smile softly formed on his face, the expression so fond it seemed out of place to his team.
āHyung, stop staring,ā Jeongin grimaced playfully. āCome on, time to head to the hotel.ā
āActually,ā Chan sighed while getting up. āI was wondering if youād let me take you out to dinner.ā
Amidst the tired yet enthusiastic celebration there was a wave of relief swooshing around, and realization hit the leader of the eight-hearted team; it had been a long year for all of them, with little to no breaks, and so all of them had for a nano second been frightened that there were more obligations. It wasnāt uncommon for them to have engagements after shows, an interview, a meet and greet or something to do with their upcoming releases.
Donāt you worry, not tonight.
Chan felt a small lump in his throat as he basked in the excited smiles in front of him, but it would not get a chance to grow. Heād wallowed plenty, with his family and on his own. Instead of letting his mind slip back into the muddiest waters it had ever trekked, his right hand confidently pointed at the exit doors, leading the group out of the stadium to their transport.
As they made their way to a familiar spot in their minibus, Chan asked a seemingly ordinary question. It was something he brought up often, at this point more a habit than anything else, so the answers were usually something scripted as well. Only one person on the bus knew that this time was different. It was heavy and calculated, a momentous occasion in its way, because it would be the last time.
āIs there anything you need from me?ā
Last times are a mystery. Sometimes you know, sometimes its a complete surprise, sometimes you donāt even remember that it really was the final time you said something, saw someone, hugged someone, did something. Things become a blur as life goes on. But for the past year, Chan had made it his relentless mission to recognize and give meaning to every last time he had.
One of them was right now. Since no other soul on the bus knew of his mission, the answers rolled in as usual.
āA house!ā
āMore money!ā
āGet me a rolex!ā
āI need a new pair of everything hyung!ā
Chan wrote it all down in his mind, and vowed to do what he could to make their silly wishes come true. To some extent at least. Getting Felix a house would be a challenge, but Chan was nothing if not resilient. Heād proven that much these past months.
The restaurant was only a few blocks away when Minho leaned over to Chan, who sat by himself and silently watched his tired brothers get on with their post-show phone time.
āHyung, is there anything you need from me?ā
Minhoās eyes stared into him, as they sometimes did when he was worried. Chan could feel him getting closer to finding the spot inside his soul that would make him break down, he nearly began shaking. But it wasnāt an option, heād almost made his clean escape, this little question was not going to undo him.
āA hug would be nice,ā Chan grinned, eyes on the floor, happy telling the truth and dodging the investigative eyes that now narrowed.
āMaybe when youāre on your death bed.ā
The noise that came out of the eldest member in that moment was unlike anything theyād ever heard. The dark laugh, deep and raspy, filled the car effortlessly. Chan couldnāt help it, it was too fitting. Minho knew without realizing it. He was sure that the man would feel the largest tsunami of realization very soon. The thought made him sad. He didnāt wish the silent guilt on him.
Before any of the others could address the oddly hollow chuckle theyād just heard, the minibus came to a gentle stop in front of the same steak place theyād visited on the previous tour. After the grueling amount of dancing theyād just done, it was no wonder how loud and elated the cheering was.
They got off the bus from eldest to youngest as always, though Chan wouldāve done almost anything to just walk behind them in that moment. Korean customs mattered surprisingly little when compared to the matter at hand.
They went inside and so began the last night Chan ever spent with his brothers. He laughed so hard his wig nearly fell off multiple times. He considered removing it just to see the reactions, but decided the joke wouldnāt land.
The ache inside him was under every bone, heavy and unyielding, familiar and cold as steel. But it was rivaled by the love he was surrounded with.
As they made their way to the hotel, Chan suggested a quick group live.
One more, please.
Everyone agreed. Giving time to Stay to express their feelings fresh off the tour was a valuable effort, and needed to be done.
So they gathered in the leaderās room. Chan did a quick check to ensure his toiletry bag was zipped tight to keep the condeming evidence hidden. Felix set the live up.
And⦠action.
On the live, Chan made a point to smile and give hugs to each member. As he made his way to embrace everyone, the room went quieter and quieter.
He couldnāt stop the moment. And he couldnāt hide the emotion.
He squeezed so hard.
He trembled.
āUh- thank you again Stay!ā Felix nervously grinned at the camera and every man snapped their head back to the little dot on the tablet and waved, acting excited and happy.
Something was off. The camera included.
āHyung, everything alright?ā Han asked after timidly clearing his throat to break the silence.
āYeah! Yeah! Iām just⦠emotional about the tour ending,ā Chan replied with too much energy and sprinted to his bag, digging out seven letters.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
āOh no no no, the last time we did this I cried on camera,ā Changbin physically backed away.
āDonāt read them now, please. When youāre in your room, or on break, whenever you feel up for it. I just want you guys to know how I feel, you know? What you mean to me.ā
āWe already know,ā Seungmin sighed and chuckled. āYou never let us forget.ā
How he wished he could beg them to stay in this room and just stay up. How he wished he had all the time in the world. He never in his life thought he did. He always knew his time wasnāt 80 years away.
Thatās why he always worked on what he wanted and loved, and did his best. And why he never stopped.
But if time ever wanted to do something nice for him, it would stop on a moment when all his loved ones and Stay are happy.
Because he knew theyād be devastated, and the thought was almost enough to make him want to keep fighting. If there was a way, he would. He was proud of the impact heād had, and hoped itād be enough to keep him alive even after the inevitable.
Changbin and Jisung hung back as everyone was exiting the room to head to sleep.
āHyung, I got this verse almost down, but it needs a little something,ā Ji handed his Hyung the phone. The familiar Notes app stared at Chan as if daring him to spill his sad secret and tell his brother that he wouldnāt be here to finish the track.
But he didnāt crack. Instead the original racha spent a half an hour finishing the lyrics and beat.
And it was fantastic. They were still those enthusiastic teenagers with so much to say.
āItās gonna be a good one, hyung, I promise.ā
āYeah, Iāll get the rap down by next week,ā Changbin added, nodding his head to convince himself that the bars were easy when they most certainly werenāt.
Chan wanted to scream as they left the room for them to stay. But this was good. For the best.
Dinner. Hugs. Letters.
Now for Stay.
He sat down at the desk, turned to on his camera.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Then he smiled wide, to make sure to show of his dimples.
āThank you, Stay. I promise I tried everything to stay here with you. I love you all so much. Take care of my members, please. They need you. You need each other. Thank you for all you did for us and me. I promise Iām happy and fulfilled, more than I ever dreamed I could be. It hurts to go, but I wouldnāt change a thing. I always knew Iād go young. Itās alright. Take care of yourself and each other. I love you, more than I can express. Iāll keep an eye on you.ā
His shaky voice wouldāve been reason enough for him to redo the take at any other time, but now there were no revisions. It was perfect, almost.
Chan rose up with a sad smile on his face and leaned in. Another last time.
āBig hug.ā
Camera off. Bags packed. All done.
Lee Know paced in his room after trying to stay still in his bed. Something was off. He couldnāt place it. When his eyes found the white envelope sticking out of his hoodie, he leaped to it and tore it open. He didnāt know if he was āup for itā, but maybe it held the answer.
Five minutes later he was banging on Chanās door.
āHYUNG! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!ā
Chan had checked out an hour before Minhoās knock, to catch a flight to Australia. His family was waiting.
As the news spread around the globe of the great leaderās illness and passing, a new Chanās Room was suddenly uploaded.
The words echoed in cities around the world, and became part of his vast legacy. No one could believe he hid it so well for so long. Millions mourned, but none as much as his family and brothers.
The boys knew why Chan did it the way he did. They understood. They were furious, but they understood. The pain in everyoneās chest wouldāve been paralyzing if it werenāt for their tight-knit bond. Together, they pushed on. The pain remained, but they learned to live with it instead of trying to shove it away.
Almost a year to the date since Chanās death, Jisung was at the studio going through a folder of different beats.
Suddenly he heard a mic turn on at the end of one of the tracks, the familiar crackle made his attention shift.
A gentle chuckle graced his ears.
āHey, Ji, what do you think? Maybe this one, yeah? Donāt stress about it. Remember to sleep!ā
Jisung laughed and cried. Then he called everyone in to let them chat with Chan as well.
Their leader was still everywhere. Heād recorded and created hundreds of tracks and soundbites for them to use for years to come, and recorded little messages all around.
āMaknae, donāt forget to eat! Did you like the watch I got you?ā
āChangbin-ah! The track is already perfect, leave it!ā
āHyunjin-ah, be kind to yourself. And eat!ā
āAUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! Love you, cuz!ā
āMinho, sing a little louder. Your voice is wonderful.ā
āSeungmin, I know youāll hit every note you want. Remember to have fun!ā
āTell my family I said hi! And I love them, obviously!ā
āTell stay I love them! And that I miss them, give them big hugs for me please!ā
His voice brought pure smiles back into their studio sessions again, almost as if he was still there guiding them.
And he was, as best he could. Because of his recordings, he remained part of every track for years.
Chan was gone. Heād never come back. But he made damn sure heād never be forgotten.
āOkay, just breathe. Come on. You can do it. In. Out. In. Out. Good. Keep going, not for me, for yourself.ā
I got emotional and wrote this little piece to accompany Bangchan's masterpiece. My idea was that you could read this within the beautiful, heartbreaking 169 seconds the song lasts for, but would recommend looping the tune just in case so you can keep the vibe.
Stray kids everywhere all around the world <3
She bangs on the door mere seconds after he slammed it in her face.
Not again. How could she do this again?
āChannie, please! Let me in, Iām so sorry.ā
Her high, broken sobs echo in his dark room.
Chan trembles.
Not again.
āCome on, baby, please... just let me in, we can talk about this. I promise, it meant nothing... Channie, let me in!ā
How many times had he heard those words? How many more could he take?
How could she do this again?
āI love you so much baby, I promise, I was just stupid. Iām so sorry. Please let me in! I love you baby!ā
Loves him? She loves him? Is this love?
How can she possibly think this is love?
His friends think heās crazy. Sheās cruel. Sheās poisonous. Sheās using him. But they donāt know everything that makes her perfect. They only see the ugly. They donāt understand.
This has to be love. Sheās all Chan knows. His friends have to be wrong, they just have to.
āLetās talk about this, baby, come on, let me in. Channie... I promise it wonāt happen again!ā
How many times had he heard those words? So many lies.
His cries are the opposite of hers. Silent. Powerless.
Chan needs to give this up.
āIt was just a mistake, youāve been ignoring me and I needed someone, just for a bit. Baby, you have to understand, Iām so sorry, just let me in...ā
Ignoring her? When?
Why does that matter?
How could she do this again?
āBaby... come on, baby. Baby...ā
Sheās getting louder. Chan doesnāt want her to yell.
āJUST OPEN THE DOOR BABY! YOU HAVE TO FIX THIS WITH ME! I LOVE YOU BABY!ā
I love you too.
I love you.
Why does it hurt so much?
He breaks. The sobs that shake him hurt his torso so much he has to bend over, hands flying around his middle. His throat is closing. Air is stuck in his lungs and it only slips out in small beats when he forces it.
It hurts. It hurts so bad. Please, someone just make it stop. I need it to stop.
He canāt see anything. His face is wet.
Chan needs to scream.
āHow could you...ā he whispers. āI love you so much. How could you?ā
Chan needs her to leave. But he canāt say it.
āBaby... baby, please.ā
Chanās body curls into a ball. His forehead finds the floor, his nails make the scars on his clawed heart visible on the hardwood.
It hurts so much.
Chan needs her to stay.
Slowly, shivering, he sits up and stares at the door separating him and her. The love of his life. The worst thing that has ever happened to him.
āSeungmin!ā I call out as he determinately turns and begins stomping back the way he came.
Blood rushes from my face to my toes and I feel faint. I canāt believe he just saw us.
āPlease, wait- where are you going?ā I whisper-yell to keep this moment as private as possible while hurrying to catch up to him. Hasty movement and footsteps let me know that Hyunjin isnāt far behind.
Please donāt go to father. What can I say? āItās not what you thinkā, oh yes it is. āLet me explain,ā explain what exactly?
āI tried, I tried, but no, you have to be you,ā I hear my brother hiss without turning toward me.
Then a steady voice comes from behind me.
āKim Seungmin, please allow me to explain.ā As Hyunjin speaks, I feel him reach my side and take my hand.
My brother wouldnāt stop for me, but sure, stop for the man you barely know. Itās like his route came to a sudden finish as he stops, turns and cocks his head to the side, eyes darting to our joined hands.
āGo ahead.ā
The air of superiority in his voice and the distain in his gaze make me furious, but I still have no idea what to say. Luckily itās not me heās speaking to.
āWe were caught up in the moment. Iām sure you can appreciate the setting of impending doom and a beautiful evening. Iām sorry you had to see us physically express our feelings for one another.ā
The stare I direct at the dark-haired figure attached to me probably looks as shocked as I feel. My eyes move between the two men.
āI for one am not sorry,ā I spit without further thought, but Seungmin pays me no mind.
āHwang, I can understand your⦠feelings for my sister. But she is going to be married after the war, and Iāll not have you ruin her reputation.ā
āIāll do no such thing.ā
āIām being sincere and realistic. She deserves good prospects.ā
āAnd you donāt know mine.ā
Silence. The only way a man could stand there with such confidence is ifā¦
Could it be?
Is Hyunjin⦠is he wealthy?
My thoughts run back to my garden, to every moment I ever received any information about his family, to moments that mightāve hinted at a high status.
His skin, manners and speech give of a regal air, and his fingers had obviously never been forced into manual labour. But the uniform and the fact that heās even at the front contradict the possibility of a respected lineage. Thesd are the families that donāt risk their heirs. And Iād never met anyone fabulously wealthy who didnāt brag about said fabulous wealth at every given chance.
What did I know before now?
āMy mother loves flowers, Iām sure youād get along.ā
āMy brother loves to read, I wish I was more like him.ā
āMy father took me hunting. Iām a fair shot, I just donāt enjoy it.ā
I donāt like to pry, I donāt really ask questions. I feel its fair to let people tell me things on their own accord, but its also a habit that may explain why I donāt have many friends or even have lots of conversations. I donāt ask, but Iām always ready to listen.
These are the bits of information I remember getting, so not much.
I know Hyunjinās favourite food, his tea of choice, his musical background and artistic tendencies. I donāt know his lineage, at least I never put it together before this very moment which now feels utterly ridiculous.
Heās a-
āHwang,ā Seungmin exhales, a look of realization frozen on his face. āYouāre the youngest son of the count.ā
āI am.ā
I feel like Iāve been slapped in the face by something that has been floating in front of it for a good while. Like a hand thatās approaching in slow motion so I actually did have the time to dodge.
The Hwang family is⦠well, how shall I put this? Iām the bad prospect in this situation. Theyāre an ancient, wealthy, respected superpower, a force in every circle that has any meaning in politics, business, military or international relations.
But how their son ended up in my greenhouse, and is now here, right now, holding my hand after giving me an orgasm, is beyond me.
He just moments ago let me believe that he was ābelowā me, he let me believe it for weeks! Omitting - or even insinuating - a lower status which I now realize was never there. Then what did his comment about ābeing worthy of meā even mean? Why am I being fingered by a countās son in the woods?!
āYou never told me,ā I sigh in disbelief, a betrayed feeling creeping up to me. Hyunjin turns to look at me, eyes calm yet sad, like he knew this moment was coming and was prepared for it.
āI couldnāt. Petal, I-ā
āSir, I donāt know what to say,ā Seungmin bows so deep the hamstring stretch must be extreme. āIām sorry if Iāve offended you.ā
āYou havenāt,ā Hyunjinās voice is quick and sharp, I assume as a reaction to Seungmin interrupting him, but he softens hastily turning back to him while keeping his grip on my hand firm. āI did not make myself known.ā
I donāt know what to feel. I havenāt been lied to because the question was never asked. Something has been hidden, but I never asked it to be shown. Heās much more than me, heās higher than me, and worth more than me. At least thats what his familyās position dictates.
I donāt release the hold I have of his hand as my mind zooms around like a bee.
What does all this mean? Maybe he knows Iām below his ranking and is just playing the long-con game with me for sex? Maybe this is a strange rebellious phase heāll outgrow as soon as heās away from the front?
Or maybe, just maybe⦠he really doesnāt care about hierarchies or propriety as he told me less than an hour ago. Only the roles are reversed.
āWhy?ā I ask.
I donāt have to go through all the āwhysā in my head. He knows them without me specifying.
āI have to keep quiet so I donāt put a target on myself and the people around me. I have to lay low so our commander will allow me to stay. If I put the team or camp in danger this would all be counterproductive. I⦠I couldnāt risk you knowing.ā
āBut youāre already a Hwang. You havenāt changed your name.ā
āNo. But in my family Iām not Hwang Hyunjin. Iām Hwang Sam Hyun Jae of the Yuchun province, the North Star born on the 1000th solstice.ā
Hyunjinās voice carries the same regality as always, but thereās an edge to it. The words seem to gnaw at some deep resentment, almost something Iād dare call embarrassement. These honorifics have been repeated to him and by him countless times, Iām sure.
The night is nearly black, and Iām sure no one can make out who we are even from a small distance. The light of the lanterns doesnāt quite reach us at the border of the camp. Our shadows on the ground seem to be living a life if their own as the flicker of the small flames makes them shiver and shift.
I wish we were somewhere peaceful. I wish Iād find out about this someplace soft and neutral.
āIāve stayed out of my familyās public image with great care and absolutely deliberately. I prefer it so. There are no recent photos of me, nor have I had portrait made since age 11, though my mother scolds me for it at least weekly. I really prefer it so.ā
Thereās obviously more he wants to say but canāt say it in front of my brother, who remains slightly bowed.
The Hwang family portraits are known across the country, mostly for their size and quantity.
āBut despite my tour in the front going against my fatherās wishes, I remain a part of my family and thus a worthy prospect for your sister, I hope. At the very least I wonāt ruin her reputation, since my standing is high and my intentions pure.ā
āIntentions?ā I cock my head to the side.
Hyunjinās eyes are so full of emotion and life I almost stagger back when theyāre directed at me. All my creeping anger dissipates when he looks at me with such admiration.
āYes, petal. We donāt have to decide anything now, I donāt need a reply, I donāt want you to feel cornered because this is happening much faster than I intended. And Iām so sorry for not telling you who I am. But I donāt want your brother thinking that Iām using you. And I want you to know Iām serious. My intentions with you are as pure as can be, I hope once this is all over, Iāll have the chance to properly propose to you and marry you.ā
Seungmin makes a sound that resembles a chuckle. āMy sister marrying a Hwang, good lord, what a world,ā he says quietly, so quietly that itās more to himself.
I, however, am completely speechless. No noise comes out, and itās not like Hyunjin needs an answer like he said, but I should say something. Anything. Just⦠nod. Something.
Finally, after staring at the brown, sweet gaze in front of me, I land on a squeeze of his hand and a soft āokayā.
Would I say that if the situation was on its head? If heād pretended to be noble or rich and then turned out to be something different? Iād hope I would. I want to believe my answer has nothing to do with compliancy to our hierarchy, or the aspect that heās actually wealthy instead of what I previously believed. Am I letting him get away with a lie without consequence? Do I not care about how Iām treated? Or is this lie or omition understandable and easily forgivable?
Iām going with my first instinct at the moment, which is in turn very much affected by the adoring look Iām receiving.
āOkay?ā Hyunjin visibly shivers and looks like heās holding back from jumping. āOh petal, youāre so- ah, Iāve never been more determined to stay alive.ā
His grip tightens for a moment before he straigthens up and turns back to my flabbergasted sibling.
āMr. Kim, Iād like to re-introduce myself to your father, if youād be so kind as to see if heās still awake.ā
He is.
āSir, your daughter has caught my eye these past weeks, and I canāt help but declare my adoration toward her even though the timing is less than ideal. I hope youāll consider allowing me to propose to her once our war efforts have been successful and we can return to a sense of normalcy.ā
I feel like Iām just a painting on the wall, not even here.
Hyunjin explains his lineage and papa looks like he has been hit with a brick.
āI canāt believe I didnāt realize.ā
āGeneral, there are thousands if not millions of citizens who carry the name Hwang. I just decided to leave out the honorifics.ā
āWhy, pray tell,ā the general suddenly gestures to the seat across from him with an air of equality despite their age gap. Seungmin sits next to him, hand around a mug of rum and a humble look on his face. Hyunjin sits into the seat and his new yet familiar role with ease, and Iām in the corner in a familiar role as an ornament.
I hate it, yet find solace in being able to see this moment from the outside so I can keep analyzing this entire transaction. While being slightly anxious about when father will finally spot me and tell me to exit.
āI find no honour in leading when I havenāt earned it. Iāve never found it to be in my blood. If there is a leader in me, I want to climb the ranks, as it were, with my fellow soldiers.ā
The young manās conviction matches the way he spoke of me just moments prior, and father canāt hide how impressed he is. I know the look though I receive it rarely.
āMy father didnāt want me to join the front, as you can imagine, but we parted on good terms. The family blessings are still mine to use as I see fit.ā
Heās offering up his station to show father he is to be taken seriously. And my father takes the offer without question, because⦠well why wouldnāt he? A man with wealth and prestige wishes to court his daughter. A dream come true.
Staring at the scene before me feels surreal and uneasy. I fiddle with my fingers and a lump begins to form, as Hyunjin seems to ignore me equally well compared to my father and brother. If this were our estate instead of a tent, itād be a normal Tuesday in my life. If this is how he regards me when weāre with others, do I want it? He never felt like everyone else, but is he a repetition, a willing stereotype of the men in our circles? Does he have the same principles which are part of the reason I never asked father to get me into the balls and banquets?
Do I love him, or is he just a handsome stranger who likes flowers?
The conversation isnāt long, and soon ends with my father and brother standing up, bowing and shaking Hyunjinās hand eagerly. Hyunjin responds with a small bow, and I can see from my familyās faces that this delights them greatly. Such an acknowledgement from a future count is an immense sign of respect.
They say their good nights, and Hyunjin finally sees me again. He looks⦠drained?
My blood is almost boiling, at least sizzling, when the cool night air washes over me. Seungmin quickly paces to his tent and I find myself eager to do the same even though there are matters I want cleared. I just donāt want to attack a countās son.
But apparently I canāt help myself.
āYou couldāve told me! All of this, you couldāve! I wouldnāt have said a thing! And what was that?ā I point at fatherās tent, backing away from Hyunjinās as he tries to reach for me. āYou treated me like they always do, like a matter to be discussed, as if Iām furniture that needs to be moved from one room to another. This is all too much, itās too much! I canāt believe you! Saying all these things about me to them, being so forward. Itās too much,ā I stop and clutch my chest. āYou made feel so⦠so different and I felt so close to you but now thereās all this and I⦠I feel like a vortex is swallowing me and I canāt swim out.ā
Hyunjinās eyes are glossy as he tries to reach for me again. āIām so sorry,ā he whispers, voice trembling. āI hated every second of that. I just⦠I know how those situations work, I know how to win them over. I needed to make sure that we can keep meeting. I need you and want you.ā
He takes a step.
āThis isnāt how this was supposed to go. Iām so sorry. And I know I couldāve told you. All the reasons I said before are true. Iām just surprised nobody has made me yet⦠But I have a selfish reason for not telling you.ā
I swallow and hold myself tighter, staying quiet to let him continue.
āI was afraid that you wouldnāt want me near you if you knew. I didnāt think you wanted stature, and I didnāt know if youād heard the rumours and I couldnāt risk it-ā
As the evening turns to night, Hyunjin gives me his full attention.
Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x reader
Genre: fantasy/historic au, strangers to ???, smut
Warnings/explanations: NSFW, kissing, nicknames (petal) making out, cursing, unrealistically good fingering considering inexperience but hey he can just be a natural at it donāt you agree?, orgasm received (thank you Hyunjin, heās sweet), semi-public (could kinda get caught cause theyāre outside but not voyerism)
āI want you now,ā I state without much thought, hands sliding past his chest to wrap around his neck. I know what sex is in theory, I know what it means to a woman. I know I want Hyunjin to be my first.
Two eyes snap open to find mine, the evening sun covers everything with a deep ocra that seems to intensify Hyunjinās already penetrating gaze.
āWhat?ā he blurts, voice an octave higher. The contrast between it and his earlier deep groan is staggering.
Our bodies are so close Iām melting into him with each breath. His entire figure has gone as stiff as a tree trunk. My mind is blurred by the want I have for him at this moment, but behind the haze my brain goes into a state of slight panic. I can feel by body retreating in shame. Did I scare him? Was I too forward? Did I read him wrong? How could I have read him wrong? He literally just said-
āPetal,ā heās serious, sliding his arms up to grip around my torso, pulling me back to him and holding me there, steady, caring. āWe canāt. I want to, I- fuck, I want to, but we canāt.ā
āWhy?ā I whisper and hope he didnāt notice the shiver that went through me when he cussed while saying he wants me. So much improper behaviour in the span of minutes. Papa would faint. āIf you want to and I do too, Iām saying yes, what else is there?ā
āI⦠I think you deserve more,ā he states. āYou, petal, youāre a lady. You shouldnāt be out here in the first place and I⦠I canāt in good conscience-ā
I want to debate this, the feeling in my body begs me to, and yet, āHyunjin, if youāre not comfortable-ā
āPlease believe me when I say I want to,ā his hands slither around me to my front and rise to frame my face. āPlease donāt think I donāt want you.ā The kiss that follows is still hungry, still all-consuming, yet thereās clearly something being restrained.
I do believe him. My body feels the disappointment of something being so close being yanked away, like a flower being cut down just prior to opening. The metaphor feels slightly too on the nose. But I believe him and in his feelings toward me even more now. A man who is simply starved for any touch wouldāve said anything to keep going, and maybe afterwards disregarded me entirely. If heās the one restraining himself to take care of me, I canāt help but trust him further.
āIād be happy with you anywhere,ā I take his hands into mine and let them fall to swing on both sides of us. āAmong the trees and flowers is where Iām most at home, you know.ā
His eyes light up suddenly, a sly yet bashful smile coming to view. He keeps our hands together and backs up, pulling me with him. I canāt believe how easy it is to be led by him, Iād go anywhere and do anything. But it doesnāt feel like control, it feels⦠it feels like freedom. Like the only form of freedom that matters.
āPetal,ā he swings me around so my back rests against an old birch. Whatever it is weāre doing here, itās smarter than doing anything where we last stood. Here weāre completely sheltered by the foliage. āIād like to try something with you that⦠I donāt know how to say it. I want- I thought we could try-ā
āItās okay,ā I bring a hand to his chest. āItās you, so Iāll do it. Just⦠guide me, please.ā
āYes maāam,ā Hyunjin sighs with relief and leans closer. āFirst,ā he swallows, āI just need to kiss you.ā
As we become a tangled mess just like the roots of the tree Iām held against, the heat inside me becomes so magnified that I canāt keep quiet. My moans seem to make Hyunjin even more eager, and my suspicion is confirmed when his incredibly hard member presses against my thigh.
āCan you feel me?ā he whispers with lips against my ear. I reply with a gasp as his large hand cups my breast and he moves against me, grazing my core through my trousers. āThis is how much I want you. Please remember we can stop at anytime, I-I promise- god youāre perfect.ā
āI donāt want to stop, Hyunjin. Please, donāt.ā
Hyunjinās scent is like a fresh breeze. I canāt get enough of it, I want to drown in it, which is what it feels like when weāre close like this. Thereās no stopping this plunge Iām taking, I have no thoughts in my brain that donāt involve him and this moment. So be it, I will it so.
To hell with Seungmin, any future engagements. I. Donāt. Care. I belong to Hyunjin right now, in these woods.
Iām so mezmerized by my current circumstances that the sound I make when he presses his fingers between my legs is one of gratitude rather that surprise. His eyes are intense yet gentle, focused on my expression and reactions.
I find some courage within my aroused state and bring both arms around his neck. āTell me what you had in mind, private Hwang?ā
The gentle colour in his gaze leans to a darker shade, without disappearing entirely. āI didnāt know ladies played like that,ā he grins, dimples in full view. Adorable feature, just another reason to swoon right now.
āI- mmmh- I donāt feel like a lady right now,ā I moan and feel my hips rolling off the bark behind me to chase his palm and fingers. āPlease⦠Jin⦠tell me.ā
He seems almost bashful as he forms the thought, his fore and middle fingers never ceasing their teasing motion.
Iām so wet.
But his answer is anything but shy, the voice he conjures is dark and confident. āWeāre going to help each other.ā
āTell me you understand,ā Hyunjin demands while shivering, obviously needing my approval.
āYes, sir,ā I whisper. Iām inexperienced, and he appears to not be. Weāre on different levels, but he doesnāt seem to care or mind. Maybe he doesnāt notice?
Possibly not. He seems too nervous himself based on how his fingers shake as he brings his hand to my stomach, while his other arm supports him against the tree. The big being weāre counting on to keep us upright and hidden.
āIām not ready to have you completely, Iām not worthy,ā he professes as his hand slides beneath the band of my underwear and to my wet centre. I nearly spasm. āBut I would love to make you feel good, to find out a small list of things that make you tick. That make you⦠make some more of those incredible noises.ā
āAh!ā I gasp when he finds a spot between my legs that hasnāt been touched before. āB-But how-ā I stammer between moans as he applies pressure while gently swirling his two digits around that small spot. Our foreheads are glued together. āHow is t-this- ah- helping you?ā
āMy entire world is better when youāre in my sight,ā his words feel like a poem, a thought out one, but he nearly pants as he says them. āAnd now I get to touch you. Petal, you help me by existing.ā
His words and movements combined are creating a high like Iāve never felt. Iāve never done or experienced anything like this.
āLet me justā¦ā he mumbles as a slender finger enters me slowly. āSo tight, darling, so wet and so tight just for me,ā he groans, lost in his actions. The sensation is new and strange, but I remain relaxed, probably due to my bodyās produced lubrication and the fact Iām with Hyunjin. He snaps back to focus suddenly and whispers, seriously, āis this still okay?ā
I mumble something that resembles a yes but he catches it as someone who seems to know me frighteningly well would.
He slides deeper and sets a pace which I instantly respond to. My body matches his movements with my pelvis. Heās so deep I can only imagine what his cock could do if I feel this full from just this alone. That thought sends me deeper in this erotic spiral Iām now swirling in.
My breathing is shallow.
He presses his thumb on that strange dot same as before and it feels like a small fire bellows in my lower abdomen. Past heavy eyelids I can see a sliver of the purple sunset behind Hyunjin. Just as the colours turn to a deep maroon, he adds another finger next to the one sliding in and begins curling them. Or maybe the colours changed after, I donāt know.
āDoing so well, petal, youāre so beautiful.ā
Hyunjin kisses me while literally plunging his fingers in and out of me, hitting another strange spot whenever they find a c-shape. The two spots he expertly manouvers around trigger the fire and light it ablaze.
āHyunjin, oh- oh my god,ā I moan into his lips which still taste delicious. The kiss turns greedier when our tongues enter the play.
He swallows each prayer, each mention of his name, each moan, as if theyāre something that sustains him. His fingers never cease, and as I separate from his lips for air and gaze down, I can see the veins on his forearm bulging.
It feels so good to be taken care of like this. To surrender like this. And I tell him as much with every sound I make as the blaze intensifies and I canāt contain it.
āSo good, so perfect, fuck! I can feel you squeezing my fingers. Let go,ā Hyunjin stares into my soul. āNow.ā
I comply. The curl in the right angle and the flick of his thumb on the right spot finally undo me.
My body surges forward to lean on my soldierās strong-yet-bruised figure, a stiffled scream caught by his shoulder. I spasm against his now slowing hand.
I shatter and think Iāve gone blind.
āThatās it, youāre doing so good, such a perfect beauty.ā
I keep shivering against him as his touch gently leaves the area he just discovered for me. A sweet kiss lands on my forehead and I suddenly realize how much Iām panting and sweating.
āWhat- I- What just happened?ā I sigh before lifting my head long enough to catch my favorite lips in a kiss. Hyunjin chuckles (my favourite sound in the world) and guides me to sit down with him, once again finding sanctuary against the tree weāve relied on.
Iām aware that Iāve just had my first orgasm, I just didnāt realize thatās actually what they were like. My body feels oddly relaxed and entirely new to me.
I also see Hyunjinās body in a new light. His fingers and hands and lips especially, but I also notice the strain in his trousers remains. I want to take care of him like he did of me. My right hand descends to his thigh.
āLet me-ā
āNo, petal, itās alright,ā he stops me with both words and actions, as his long fingers now find they have to arrest me by my wrist. āI meant what I said. And trust me, the mess is completely different. Iām satisfied if you are.ā
I want to protest, because Iād like to keep going, but he looks steadfast. The accepting hum I give as a response makes him smile, and he pulls me even closer.
āWas that the firs-ā
āYes.ā
āPetal, you didnāt know what I was-ā
āYes, I did. And yes. All of it.ā
āEven the kiss?ā
āMhm,ā I nod against his shoulder, eyes on the last strip of light quickly making its exit as the world turns to darkness around us. The makeshift lights in the encampment creep up to take their space as the only source of luminescense. āIs that⦠Is that strange?ā
āNo!ā he quickly replies. āIām⦠Iām honoured.ā
āI donāt think they give medals for that.ā
āThey should.ā
āAgreed, Iām sure youād have them all when it comes to things of this nature.ā
āI wouldnāt. You have to do the things to receive the appropriate medals.ā
As the question swells in my head with lightning speed, Iām practically forced to lift my head. āYou mean you havenāt-ā
āNo maāam. Iāve only kissed before.ā
āI donāt believe you.ā
āIād never lie to you,ā he smiles softly with such sincerity it makes my heart turn into a sappy puddle, and then brings a hand to frame my face. āI just know a lot about⦠certain things. I also meant what I said. I donāt care about our circumstances, and I promise to do my best to be worthy of you, if youāll have me.ā
The word circumstances drags me down from my high delusion that what just happened suddenly made everything else disappear. It truly felt like it in that intimate bubble. In some perverted way, in my societal frames, I am now - at least partially - a ruined creature, something less valuable. I havenāt had intercourse, but Iāve spent time alone with a man who is not my husband or suitor, Iāve also kissed and been touched by a man who is neither. In addition to that, Hyunjin is not⦠he isnāt considered⦠I donāt care.
My expression must seem dire because this sweet soul is so quick to continue. āBut I truly donāt want you to feel pressured, I do understand you have your name and family to think about. I canāt pretend it doesnāt hurt, but I also promise Iāll never tell a soul what happened tonight and if you wish to forget it-ā
I hastily lean in to kiss him as an attempt to bring him back from the ledge and to the thought of us, and to assure him I donāt wish to forget. Iāll never forget. If another bomb landed right now, Iād die feeling happy. In the span of an hour Iāve felt and heard the most romantic and intimate things I didnāt even think possible for someone like me.
āI donāt wish to forget,ā I state, bringing my forehead against his.
Hyunjin opens his mouth to reply when a branch breaks.
hi, you. yeah im talking to you. You like my stuff from time to time and reblog once and a while, and I always recognize you in my notes. weāve never talked, maybe you dont like to say much or youāre nervous or something. itās okay, whatever it is.Ā
I see you. you mean a lot to me. sometimes when Iām having a hard day, Iāll notice your name once again in my notifs and it makes me smile. im not kidding.
I donāt care if youāre aĀ āghostā follower or you send me asks all the time. i see you and I love you so much, genuinely and truly. you are really important to me.Ā
You and Chan haven't talked to each other since your Uni friend Sunnie convinced you to block each other. But after months, Chan misses you, and the truth is you just couldn't bring yourself to actually do it.
Genre: Non-idol au, friends to lovers, confessions, toxic friendships
Warnings: cussing (I just can't seem to do these without curse words... go figure.)
You and Chan haven't talked since your Uni friend Sunnie convinced you to block each other. But after months, Chan misses you, and the truth is you just couldn't bring yourself to actually do it.
Genre: Non-idol au, friends to lovers, confessions, toxic friendships
Warnings: cussing (I just can't seem to do these without curse words... go figure.)